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Im almost at the end of the road!

A

andyn6990

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 18, 2010
Messages
37
Location
Cornwall, UK
My names Andy ive posted here before mostly when im drunk or summink, but ive finally managed to literally force every word im typing here sober, ive have a lot of problems that go bk bout 10 years mostly severe anxiety and stuff, i feel ive gone through stages with myself but the last 6 months ive hit a landslide and its gettin worse and worse and it feels its going to end with me killing myself, im housebound coz of my anxiety i have no future no ambitions ,heres an example someone could come up to me with a winning lotto ticket and i probs wouldnt care i live with my parents im 26 fuckin years old the only positive i have is a caring family and a roof over my head but i feel like failure of a son , , ive always used alcohol to socializse when i was younger i was a person that use to love clubbing and going to bars,then got into drugs , i feel like im not 1 of those people that was suppose to live past 25 , i just dont see anyway out ,i use alcohol benzos stims anything to cope with the constant mental agony paranoia ocd, anxiety depression thats in my head , i feel like i lost my personality and emotions now and am watchin myself in a movie i dont have much emotion left and know the time will come when im a walking zombie its like i have a mind cancer thats gradually taking my soul, everything is dreamlike, im sorry bout this rant ive just had enough im not usually a poster i just read other peoples problems to make me feel im not alone in this hell, best wishes! x
 
Hello mate, sorry to hear you feel so bad. Things can always change for the better even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. You have a family that care for you so you are already one up on some folk who have no one.
Try to think of what you have and not what you don't. You live in a lovely part of the country can't you get out and enjoy some simple walks through the beautiful countryside and beach walks. Just getting out and appreciating the natural beauty around you may help.
You are not alone there are plenty of folk on here who would be willing to talk with you. Put a smile on yr face mate and please try not to feel so down.
 
Three years ago I thought I wouldn't live past 25 either, but a lot has happened since then. The future's not set in stone. Examine the reasons behind your alcohol/benzo/party drug abuse and do your best to wean them off - they only help to cover up the source of the problem and only make anxiety/OCD/etc worse.
 
That sucks to feel that way...I can relate to almost everything you wrote. Here's the thing, you did live past twenty five. That in itself is an accomplishment right there. It's tough, I always thought I would inevitably kill myself, so it didn't matter what mistakes I made, what bridges I burned, but I didn't, so I had to figure out what I was going to do instead of being dead.

It used to piss me off when in the bouts of depression and other mental shit people would tell me that 'it doesn't last forever' because it really feels like it does and that it's going to. But trust me, 'It doesn't last forever', unless you want it too. Feeling like a failure is rough, but guess what, I'm fucking 30 and live at home, and I'm not a failure, I've just failed a lot. You know what would be failing? Killing yourself, that's the only way you fail at life. It really can get easier, and it can happen so fast, that one day you'll be looking back to two weeks ago, and think "I cant believe I used to think/ feel that way", honest.

You have a supportive loving family, maybe see if they can help you get some therapy...changing the way you think can do wonders. It feels ridiculous at first, examining your thoughts, questioning your beliefs about yourself, but it really works, and even knowing nothing about you, I refuse to believe that you are a hopeless cause or a failure, or any of the other ways you might be perceiving yourself right now.... Hang in there.....
 
Thanks so much for the replies , mmm yeah i dont really want to die im just scared the mental pain will get so bad i will do it and i cant bare wot it would do to my parents and my sis, my sis already is prepared for me end ing up in hospital from an OD or summink , I just am stuck in life if u know wot i mean , max yeah its nice but i dont drive so cant really get out of my house to get anywhere my parents work most the time and my sis lives in london , i wanna hang on i really do i can feel myself in there somewhere but it feels like im being pulled into a dark pit and feel helpless , i do recognize my negative thinking its almost constant and i think my depersonalization numb mind and emotions is coz my mind is so tired of the ocd and anxiety paranoia , Im trying to be strong!
 
Keep @ it man, have you thought of getting some kind of help like some therapy or something? I'm in a bit of a deep hole myself and struggle daily to try and improve things. I'ts fucking hard I'm pushing 30 and swear i shoulda died 5 or 6 times already. Something must be looking after me. I feel failure sometimes alot latley, it doesnt mean that its the end of the road, keep postin try something new and as hard as it is to immagine, ul be out of the rut ur in without realiseing it. Ideally anyway:\
 
Hey Andy, you may as well have been ghostwriting for me a few months ago. I'm 29 and just about to hit 90 days clean after a 13 year poly drug addiction. A lot like you I was never satisfied with just one drug but rather would bounce between and combo various different drugs. It didn't keep me from getting addicted to opiates a number of times and benzos a few times as well. I tried my hardest but never really felt I was truly addicted to any uppers but that's not to say that they aren't to be reckoned with as well. I used to wake up every morning and hide under my pillow soaked in sweat and totally CRIPPLED by anxiety and restlessness. Death seemed like an option but what I was really looking for was a way to relax. Some calm or serenity as some people call it. Besides, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I was able to mellow out temporarily with enough drugs and booze but that became increasingly hard and required as many as six, seven, eight or even nine drugs at a time towards the end of of streak. One substance alone was NEVER enough. Even a heavy heroin session wouldn't satisfy me. Now when asked my drug of choice I say "two downers and an upper" because that was at least what it took to pull me back from the ledge every few hours.

My point is this: if I can find some peace you can too and its not as far out of reach as it may seem. For me it took registering in an intensive outpatient program (IOP), 100mg of Pristiq a day (down to 50mg now), 8mg suboxone a day, four or five AA and/or NA meetings a week and the eventual realization that I am a much better golfer now than I was when I was using :) I don't recommend my methodology to anyone else beyond saying it was EXACTLY what I needed and it has been powerfully effective for me. I hope you give a couple different recovery methods a fair chance at helping you because once you find a good fit you will find some peace or serenity or a way to chill. Call it what you want. Some people call it god. Not me but to each their own.

I'll close by saying that I used to spend a couple nights a week in clubs in Boston and NYC, I used to be ambitious to a fault, I used to have confidence and I used to be in control of my life and my using. Eventually I started to slide and when I did I went downhill so fast that it felt like there was nothing to grab onto. Six months sounds about right. I have a supportive family too but they annoy me sometimes still and like you I used to not see any future for myself. In the last 90 days I got a really nice apartment, a kickass new job, my self-esteem back and I have just a tiny bit of inner calm that keeps me going each day. You're path won't be the same as mine but if you find a path that works for you I am confident it will guide you the same direction however circuitous it may seem.

Hope that helps. I never really bother to post much but your story brought it out in me. Good luck brotha.
 
Hi Andy,

thanks for sharing. Unfortuantely, I cannot relate to any of the emotions you're describing, which makes me feel bad right now, because I'm trying to help a friend who's suffering from what I#m sure is not the same you feel, but there is parallels. He doesnt semm to care whether he lives or dies, and I worry a lot. I'm thinking about trying to talk him into seeking professional help, which he never did before. Do you think this is a good idea? If so, how do you suggest I bring this up?

not meaning to abuse your thread, just don't know what to do...

thx
 
KPox, just jumping in here but you should definitely approach your friend. He may not welcome it but you should try. I strongly advise that you either have someone who already has some success in recovery or has been helped by therapy come with you as they will best be able to reach your friend and you friend may be more likely to connect or take advice from someone he feels he can empathize with. Its good that you are trying to help. People like us appreciate the help we have received though you should be prepared for some turbulent times before you are appreciated. Best of luck.
 
Alrite knox i couldnt send you another pm coz sed i werent aloud :-(

Thats ok, well with me i had a severe anxiety disorder when i was 15 which started me to use alcohol on a weekend to socialize and would go clubbing and bars with my m8s for a few years but couldnt leave the house sober , but it was 5 years ago when i turned 21 i got into drugs id drank almost every weekend before that , ive got a passion for trance music and some 2pac and i was sort of addicted to the music buzz if that makes sense haha , then came the stims i would have coke with the alcohol on a weekend then i started on the cathinones like mephedrone or methylone sort of like mdma but i would always have to mix with alcohol or another downer with the stim due to my anxiety and at first it wasnt too bad but soon turned very bad as you would understand, i recently am gettin some help with therapy i still take alcohol valium sometimes and some kratom and occasionally some oxys which gets rid of my anxiety and paranoia and stuff , ive always wanted to try heroin but i dont have any contact but im guessing thats a good thing! i have done amphetamines and stuff but not actual methamphetamine, im trying to take every day as it comes at the moment and im trying to think positive , its so good you got into therapy m8 ,and yes i understand the facebook thing ive had people offering me coke on there before which i couldnt believe and obv you need to avoid contacts and stuff which is a good thing, i hope everythings ok!! Andy
 
Oh, Andy! This breaks my heart to read. Your words are my son's and, reading all the other posts here, they describe so many people's pain. I hope what I have to say helps rather than hinders. My son died of an overdose, maybe intentional maybe just compulsive use having the inevitable outcome. Either way, I can say this: the pain of losing him to despair is unbearable. I know that he saw himself as a horrible son and assumed that we saw him that way,too. Nothing could be further from the truth. Since you have said that you have a supportive family I am going to assume that your mother (and father) would feel exactly as I do: anything is preferable to losing you.

I want my son back--the whole priclkly, messy, magnificent, infuriating, tender, smart, funny, creative, stupid screwing-up, compulsive, joyous, philosophical package of him. Everyone says, "you will find peace in the good memories". Fuck that! I don't want the sanitized Hallmark version that my memories are wont to provide. I want the reality of him--the miracle that he was, the future he held inside that was his alone. Your mother knows the miracle that you are. She's trying to hold that knowledge alive for you while you struggle back to knowing it for yourself.

Don't let the negative voices in your head tell you that there is no hope. As long as you are alive there is hope. When my son was little I carried him. I loved the weight of him. When he became addicted I carried hope for him. I struggled when I was his age, with despair and with drugs, and not only did I survive but I became more alive than ever. That's how I could keep my hope for him alive during his darkest times. The hardest thing about losing him is just the daily lack of his presence; we just miss him. The second hardest thing was having to let my hope for him die along with him. Now I come to BL with my hope for anyone else in his situation. And I come to express my own struggles with dealing with the loss of my son, my miracle.

So, to Andy, and to any of you--please reach out to me any time you want. Stay on the ride. It gets better and every single ounce of pain you are going though now is a teacher. That is what is sustaining me through the loss of my son. I'm staying on the ride 'til it throws me off. I really hope that you keep reaching out to everyone here---so many people know exactly what you are going through. I've joined a group for parents who have lost children and it is incredibly helpful just to sit in a room once a month with people that understand the depth of the pain even though none of has any magic bullet for dealing with it. Connection is a healer. Thank you, BL.
 
andy dont kill ur self if it cant be that bad man................i have been having suicidal thoughts from stopping suboxone after 3 years and a 4 month benzo binge so im deadly sick i still dont blow my brains out i have a responsibility that is to raise my daughter if i die just imagine how she would feel growing up saying wheres daddy>,.(tears) deep real truth man i have ur same problems start exercising and start stopping the drugs i know its hard but u wanna live or die? I THINK U WANNA LIVE trust me my girl of 5 years we broke up for a month i stopped my suboxone started doin ocs and dope again then 1 day she called and it was like that call took the knife out my chest. we talked it out this was 3 yrs ago now shes here with me again and we have a beautiful 1 yr old daughter. everytime i say im a pos im nothing then i relize i was once a dope fiend so once my suboxone withdrawl is over i hope i dont have these thoughts any more............................but andy ur a good person life is weird im 26 wen i was 17 i never thought i would see 21 lol hang in there or go see a dr celexa helped my depression and anxiety i no longer take it but it did help i need to be drug free live a long life im a ex benzo and heroin addict and i fount hope from a dark dark place stay happy get a girlfriend they always help but dont fall in love cause if she leaves o my or breaks ur heart thats the worse pain u can feel is watching the one person i loved leave me my heart was so hurt i went to see my suboxone dr and told her she puts me on klonopin to deal with it they helped but the ignorant dr got me hooked on 2 diff drugs suboxone and klonopin and after 4 months she stopped the benzos completly no taper or nothing crazy man ............life................life is a bitch and i got my hand up her dresss ha h a
 
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Heya herbavore im so sorry about your son , there are no words i can say to describe your loss i just feel awkward :-(, Ive noticed my parents and sister going through different stages through my troubles i think now they are sort of frozen in fear and dont know wot to do , Thanks so much for your post and offering your support , Ive had a quiet day just playing xbox , the weather here in uk is rainy at the moment we always have bad summers haha, Ill definitly keep posting i cant send pms now i dont think coz i need to get to 50 posts i think! I hope your ok and everyone else here too! Much Love!
 
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