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I'm addicted to heroin

subotai

subotai

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 25, 2014
Messages
11,667
I don't usually post in The Dark Side but I just felt the need to finally put how I've been feeling lately into writing.

my name is subotai but some might remember me under the name shimazu

I'm 22 years old

and I'm addicted to heroin.

I just got kicked out of the Intensive Outpatient rehab classes I had been attending because I was prescribed Klonopin by my doctor and they said I could not be taking Klonopin and attend classes at the same time so they told me to leave and that has me pretty angry. The rehab system in the United States is a joke designed to make money off of people's bad decisions they make in life and yet the courts often force you to go to them as some form of additional stipulation in your sentencing.

In my case, I was arrested for DUI, did 3 days in jail and a year probation, but cannot get my license back until I complete some form of treatment.

So I basically just wasted a month of my life going to these stupid classes that taught me nothing only to have them tell me to pound sand because I was prescribed a drug to help me with anxiety and to help me fall asleep at night which I have trouble doing due to a deviated septum which I am getting surgery for in a little over two weeks.

Now that I'm kicked out of rehab, I want to use even more.

I currently am working at a gas station less than ten minutes from my house pumping gas for 9 dollars an hour. It's not where I'd like to be for the rest of my life, but I'm so fed up with the US laws and legal system that I'm pretty much just giving up right now and am going to start hustling more ways to earn money so I can spend it on heroin as my mother is up my ass to give her my work money in order to put that away in the bank, which I do give her.

My annoyance comes from the fact that, when I acquire money in other ways, I still get shit from my family for doing heroin when I was the one who made the money in the first place.

I'm the one who knows how to fix computers (and all of my family's shit for free I might add), I'm the one who sells my old PC parts on craigslist, I'm the one who gets heroin for my aunt because she does not / could not do it herself, I'm the one who's taught a large number of widely diverse people how to search for, purchase, and receive drugs via the internet.

I'm just frustrated that heroin is not decriminalized while marijuana slowly is, alcohol is hugely legal and profitable, and pain pills are cranked out like candy.

I don't know where I'm going with this post but I just had to get my frustration out. Everyone says I have the potential to do so much more with my life but what if I dont want to? And my Mom tries to tell ME how this drug shit works. Tries to tell me that taking suboxone (im also prescribed that) and klonopin at the same time will make me overdose and I laughed in her face and she get all mad. But seriously, it is annoying how she THINKS she knows what she's talking about, but has no idea

and all I do is try to be honest with her. "What did you spend that money on?" "oh I spent it on heroin" and she gets all pissy.

I don't steal money from people. I don't lie about what I'm doing

maybe I should
 
Hey sub.. sorry you have to deal with this.

Its the fucking system and its awful. You should check around for non twelve step based treatment. Just call up a bunch of places that offer treatment and ask them if they are a twelve step based treatment facility. If not then tell them you're looking for treatment that allows you to take the psych meds your prescribed and see what they say.


I would consider staying off the heroin until you are out of the system.. You will undoubtedly get tested in treatment. Its better to just stick with the subs until you are free and clear. The system does not like to give up its victims.. it likes to chew on them for as long as possible.. get as much fat as they can.

Benzos certainly increase the chance of an opiate overdose, esp with methadone.

Can't beat the damn system.. so just get it done asap is my take.
 
my mom says to me that she thinks I should get the Vivitrol shot and I half-jokingly told her I would just smoke crack for a month bur she didnt appreciate my humor

its fucked up but getting high for me these days is basically a win-win.

if I get high, well cool

if I overdose, well I dont have to deal with this shit anymore

I dont want to kill myself, but Im not about to do everything in my power to stop that from happening

complete and total apathy towards life right now, it's frustrating to be honest.

and this isnt something I can fiix by "getting out and voting" or "just being myself"

no one is voting to decriminalizing heroin and if I "be myself" I wind up with a needle in my arm.

I don't want to stop doing drugs because I dont know what to do with myself. Ive thought about going to work with my grandfather at the deli he used to own (and still works at) because it is a 5 min walk from a huge open air drug market.

I think about shit like that all the time which is how I know Im not ready to stop
 
You need to realize how horrible the addiction is, what it does to you

The high diminishes over time, to the point where you just feel normal from insane dosages

Is that what you want for your life? What are you running from? Physical/psychological pain? Lonely?

You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you man

Don't get down on yourself, just forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made, and see if you can get help, maybe seek methadone/suboxone? How many times have you tried to kick it cold turkey?

subotai said:
complete and total apathy towards life right now, it's frustrating to be honest.
Click to expand...

Why? This is how I felt before I got in a serious relationship, and this is what helped me get clean again. I have a little over 3 months off Suboxone. I am still miserable during parts of the day, if not the majority of it. But I'm glad I quit. I no longer have insane cravings to shoot up, and no more withdrawal/constant shitty feeling throughout the day.
 
I know what I need to do aint no use crying about it

idk when im gonna get my license back at this point though
 
Subotai; consider ibogaine? it has a very large success rate on the first use and an even higher success rate on the second time around. ty looking it up and doing a little research :) hope you get better man. ayahuasca is also considered to help people through addictions and i believe MAPS is doing research on that very topic.
 
The thing sub.. is that what happens is the next thing you know a decade has passed. Many people have a much different view of how they spent their lives when they get a little on in years. You see it all the time here on BL. People just all the sudden sort of realize that my God I have been doing the same damn thing every damn day for the last 15 years, wtf happend.

But it comes down to a person actually wanting to quit.. to live a different lifestyle. Then they are ready to put the significant effort and work needed to get and stay clean and to carve out a whole different life.

Id rather work in a deli than pump gas I think.. I think it would be more interesting.

As ccptn said.. many of the drugs will eventually turn on you and the opiates will eventually just need to be taken to get you to feel alright.

Then shit gets really pretty ugly.

In the end I was using very large doses, only to try and feel 70% and good as I do 95% of the time now. Maybe one day they will come up with a cure for tolerance, but until they do this streat always leads to the same location. :\
 
subotai said:
no use crying about it
Click to expand...

If you try to pretend everything's ok when you're not doing well, it just backfires man. In my experience, of course.

Do you really think there aren't any psychological/emotional/social reasons you're using?

neversickanymore said:
The thing sub.. is that what happens is the next thing you know a decade has passed. Many people have a much different view of how they spent their lives when they get a little on in years. You see it all the time here on BL. People just all the sudden sort of realize that my God I have been doing the same damn thing every damn day for the last 15 years, wtf happend.
Click to expand...

This happened to me

It's been slowly dawning on me how I frivolously wasted the last 9 years of my life
 
I would say that we have a crisis in the U.S. right now (and maybe other countries but I can't speak for them). We have everyone being ordered by courts to the same type of program (AA) which has become overly dogmatic about abstinence and you have an ever-growing population being prescribed legal drugs for anxiety, depression, chronic pain , insomnia etc. What are we doing but just watching these two trains heading down the same track towards each other? It drives me bonkers.

That being said, I have many young friends here and where I live that have found meetings that are not at all dogmatic about that. I remember my son having to go to AA every day to satisfy his terms of probation. He hated it but he finally found a meeting that was way more acceptable to him in terms of the overall vibe and that made it not only easier but he actually made friends that he could relate to beyond the AA dogma. Look around, talk to friends in recovery and don't throw the baby out with the bathwater (to use an ancient expression).;) When you need to change, you need to be open to everything that is useful to you. Shutting every door that does not deliver a perfect solution is ultimately self-destructive. This rehab failed you. There is no denying it. But extrapolating from that there is nothing to be personally gained from continuing to recover is going to hurt you and hold you down.
 
Just deal with any of these problems right now while you're still young. I waited till I turned 30 to realize how much of a waste of life I was being and it is certainly tougher to turn it around the older you get. You could always try to look at the positives. Sounds like you were born to at least a decent family who've given you a place you can stay (even if you do have to pay rent) and you have food to eat + a job which always makes getting a better job much easier. Lots of people are in worse situations than yourself right now guaranteed. Took me way too long to realize a lot of these things so I can understand how you feel.
 
Idk why I made this thread I could have just said what happened with the drug class thing in a post somewhere

Ill be good, Im not worried about nothing.

shit has always worked itself out
 
Why are you addicted to opioids?

I am addicted to them for chronic agony in my spine, I can't get out of bed without them and I'm suicidal. The chronic pain is no joke, it makes me want to die. I look forward to death. Yeah. So I take like 15 or 20 mg of oxycodone a day, I wouldn't consider myself a full blown addict since I just use for pain.

Oxycodone is my preference since popping pills is so much less addictive than fucking around with extremely potent powders but good heroin is a great medicine for my pain too. I wouldn't use it again though, because I only ever got china white once and I found it was way too addictive, especially since I have such a good reason to use it. I just sniffed it until it was gone, and forgot all about my back pain, only to come back to a heightened percocet tolerance for a while, so I just said fuck that.

I'm just wondering why you got addicted because I've noticed they not only block out the agony in my spine, but they are really good at placing me in a state of mind where I am not distracted by any sort of negative emotions that are harmful to my productivity, happiness, and health. You must be self medicating for something, or maybe it's just the withdrawal symptoms? There's only one way to find out, spend some time off the drug.

If you're addicted and it's fucking up your life, you'll know. I was like that with weed, that stuff made me such a useless piece of shit. I just wasn't myself when I was smoking it all the time, it made me an idiot. I couldn't string a sentence together when I was stoned, and I had constant panic attacks. It was like I was addicted to panic attacks, how stupid is that. FUCK weed. I was a fiend too, with horrible withdrawals. I got addicted because I started young when I was too stupid to know any better. I couldn't even go an hour without it! And I never had a good reason to smoke that shit, I was just a damned fiend. I required intervention in order to stop myself because I was fiending it so hard. Doctors, medication, councillors, I had to isolate myself from society and live in the woods for 6 months and anyone who came to visit WOULD NOT be allowed to bring weed. That's what it took. It also took 5 years for me to quit when I had decided that I had enough of the stuff. It just got worse and worse, until I started getting dope sick without it. When I quit, I puked my guts out for two weeks and lost at least 20 pounds, reduced to skin and bones because whenever I tried to eat food, I would puke. And they say weeds not addictive! hahahahaha whoever says that hasn't met me obviously. The side effects from marijuana were horrific, the smell of weed disgusts me now. To think I used to partake in that nonsense.

But I've been on opioids for ages now and they don't have any side effects apart from just really, really good relief of the agony in my damned spine that has ruined everything for me and tortured my soul to the brink of suicidal tendencies. I used to abuse the fuck out of weed, smoke ounces of that shit every week, but I usually don't take more percocet than is necessary to get me up on my feet. It sucks that I have to take them.

Most people telling you to quit opioids are probably on some drug or another, whether it be booze or cigarettes, weed, porn, prescription meds, whatever. Like myself I'm not telling you that you should quit, I don't know you or why you use. I definitely should not stop using opioids personally because I use them medicinally, but there is a wide spectrum of narcotics users that exist. If you don't have chronic physical pain, then why would you choose to be a heroin addict? If it's because your lazy or apathetic or sick or depressed or anxious without it, then just know that will probably pass after months or years of abstinence. I'm stuck with chronic pain and I may as well be dead, even still I keep my doses quite low because otherwise the effects will diminish.
 
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I use heroin because it lets me escape into my own world where all I have to do is chill out and make fun of whatever is on television.

I use heroin to escape, Im not denying that.

I just don't get why people get all pissed off about it. my brother is one of the most obnoxious people you will ever meet but my family doesnt give a shit whether he comes home, says where he's going, helps around the house, etc. They simply dont care what he does and dont try and tell him what he should or shouldnt do

I dont get any of that. everyone has something to say about what I should be doing with my life, as Im fixing their fucking computer for free. You know something? I fucking like pumping gas. And if I want to do that for a little bit so I have a life with no real direction for the time being, big fucking deal.

I know, I dont have it that bad, think about the less fortunate, etc, etc.

but neither do most of the people in this forum theyre just lost mentally.

Im not even lost, I was never travelling anywhere to begin with. you cant get lost if you dont have a destination. you just... are

I just wish my family would be more grateful that I'm honest with them about my drug use and never let it creep into their lives except for their own worrying.

And seriously Im sick of people telling me how drugs work. I know I sound like a punkass right now but Ive had to correct people about drug information countless times and they still dont believe me for some reason. Mainly about the danger aspect of buying drugs in a large city. Im not trying to say Ill never run into some turbulence (I have been robbed before) but give me some fucking credit would ya? Im not just walking around there with money hanging out of my pockets going "scuse me sir, can I get some heroin please?" like I know what the fuck to do.

but Im just frustrated really. I know I'm a huge loser because the obvious response is for me to move out into my own place and pump gas and do heroin and live happily ever after

but its not like I DONT want to help my family. my grandmother has dementia real bad and it seriously puts a burden on everyone in the house. my grandfather is fine mentally but he really shouldnt do a lot physically but he's a stubborn German so he still tries to. I should be there you know. I am fuckin there. I'm always the one who facilitates everything that goes on in this house. im the kind of person who fucking kills it in Jeopardy. thats not really relevant to what im trying to say but what Im trying to convey is that im constantly thinking about stuff and thinking about my thinking of stuff and, in my opinion, the positives I bring to my family far outweigh my drug use

in, MY, opinion.

but winning on jeopardy doesnt mean shit if youre still pumping gas the next day. I just wish opiates were treated like alcohol and I know that's not reality and I know that's not going to happen but I still dont agree with the hypocrisy of our drug laws.

and that's where people say (my drug counselor said this verbatim) "well that's just the way it is and you have to deal with it"

and all I gotta say is: "uh, no I fuckin dont lady because Im gonna do it anyway and let people like you deal with it. You have a job because of people like me so a fucking thank you here or there would be nice"

everyone wants there to be no drug addiction but the bottom line is massive sums of money are made off drug users in the forms of fines, lawyer fees, drug rehab fees, Department of Transportation fees. everyone has their fuckin hand out with a pamphlet telling me why I have a non-existent disease in the other

so for right now, im giving them a fist bump with one hand and im gonna keep on strolling to go pump my gas and live in secret because thats what I have to do because honesty gets you no where.
 
Fact is you will need money to pay rent + bills eventually just to survive. Having your mom force you to get in the habit of saving money is a good thing if you're honest with yourself.

I use to do this too so I know, going back and forth betweeen sub and heroin is a waste of money and resources. The blocking of the sub unless you are on a super tiny dose of sub is prob costing you 2x as much for heroin not to mention you're taking a sub dr. slot for someone who actually wants to get clean. I'm on sub 2mg/day + klonopin .5mg at night and I definitely don't feel great and would much rather feel how I do on full agonists but it is manageable if I eat Well, get some excercise or at least walking everyday, and do a bit of socializing with sober gf/friends/ppl.

You can aslo think about jobs that will make you a bit more money but use your experience of cashier/pumping gas. One that comes to mind would be working as a bank teller where you could eventually move up to a different position within the bank. I mean it is basicslly a glorified cashier job that you have to dress nicer for but it would pay more than $9/hr.
 
I am currently experiencing w/d but it's alright. Whenever I use opiates I tell myself "nobody has any business feeling this good" xD it's like perfection, but the other side of the coin is... exactly that... fucking misery. if you're okay with the trade off and can function there is no issue, but if it becomes a legal problem, right or wrong it's a legal problem.
 
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What's wrong with some good MJ? If you feel like you can't stand it and need some semblance of an escape, MJ would be the deal.

Dont fuck up that treatment chance though.

Just keep thinking how great it'll be to get your license back...and freedom.

I understand you want to just be, but everybody goes through growth..That's part of life. Don't deny it or you may pay a heavy price. Get a goal...any goal....and go for it. People need'em.

We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are. ~Max de Pree

The secret to a good life: Do and Be.

 
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What's up sub. I can relate. I don't know what the answers is or anything but your not alone a lot of us feel the same way it seems. Fuck those rehab classes everyone who has done outpatient knows its a scam. That sucks about your license but at least you live in a city with public transportation. At the end of the day your young and you got all the time on the world to figure this shit out. But I think you see the wall approaching and you have the choice of whether your going to slam into it with the accelerator pressed down or hit the brakes and try to slow down. Eventually we all have to take breaks from heroin. Whether it be for family, court, rehab, our own sanity. It's just part of the game in my experience. So my advice is too get some subs and do what you gotta do to get right with society and your family. Your already ahead of the game with kpin script. Sit around for a couple months eat subs smoke fine weed and eat kpin. Heroin isn't going anywhere.
 
neversickanymore said:
The thing sub.. is that what happens is the next thing you know a decade has passed. Many people have a much different view of how they spent their lives when they get a little on in years. You see it all the time here on BL. People just all the sudden sort of realize that my God I have been doing the same damn thing every damn day for the last 15 years, wtf happend.

In the end I was using very large doses, only to try and feel 70% and good as I do 95% of the time now. Maybe one day they will come up with a cure for tolerance, but until they do this streat always leads to the same location. :\
Click to expand...

That´s exactly what happens if you end up using Methadone. IME you feel that everything is normal and that you are sober, having a "fine" life, working and all. But absolutely dependent. When I travel my mind was full of what ifs. And how would I ever cope if I´m don´t have enough.
 
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