Im a pushover and unsure how to handle new situation/advice?

[Ceramic_Cat]

so i know this guy and he used to be really mean to me. we went a long time without talking then recently he contacted me and me being a huge pushover and a weak person forgave him. I don't trust him and i remind him a lot of how cruel he was to me but e=he just makes me laugh so much and he's been really nice and different lately. i let him take me out last night but we ended up with his family so idk if it was because of his family or if he just wasn't interested in me even though he says he likes me. Im unsure how to handle this situation because I don't have a lot of confidence and good experience with guys. I like him and he knows i like him and he claims to like me but sometimes i get the feeling that he really doesn't like at this moment right now which is prompting me to right this I'm unsure as to what I'm really asking advice with. I'm just really confused and feel so weak and sad about it. I'm sorry if this isn't an appropriate or serious enough topic for TDS

 

[Sappy_6794]

Well what did he used to do to you so I can give you proper advice : )

 

[badfish45]

People do change over time. It's surprising, I never thought it would happen but people I used to hate, I'm friends with now. I would hold off a bit, if I were you, but it just sounds like he's just trying to be your friend again

 

[Asclepius]

so i know this guy and he used to be really mean to me. we went a long time without talking then recently he contacted me and me being a huge pushover and a weak person forgave him. I don't trust him and i remind him a lot of how cruel he was to me but e=he just makes me laugh so much and he's been really nice and different lately. i let him take me out last night but we ended up with his family so idk if it was because of his family or if he just wasn't interested in me even though he says he likes me. Im unsure how to handle this situation because I don't have a lot of confidence and good experience with guys. I like him and he knows i like him and he claims to like me but sometimes i get the feeling that he really doesn't like at this moment right now which is prompting me to right this I'm unsure as to what I'm really asking advice with. I'm just really confused and feel so weak and sad about it. I'm sorry if this isn't an appropriate or serious enough topic for TDS

Starting off with saying that you're a 'pushover' isnt very fair to yourself and is doing yourself a huge disservice hun. Firstly, forgiving someone ISNT saying that it is/was okay for them to disrespect you- its drawing a line after what happened and moving on from it. If you dont trust this guy; considering that he mistreated you/disrespected you in the past, then there is nothing wrong with that. If he makes you laugh, that proves he is entertaining- that is all,it doesnt make him a nice person or someone who is going to respect you(only time will tell). Steady as she goes...suss him out and judge him based on how sincere he is and if he respects you now as you are. You dont have to base your self-worth on whether he likes you or not(I know it feels horrible when people reject you or expect more from you than what is right or you). Take it easy on yourself- respect your own strength and dont make any apologies for doing that. You only feel weak cause you're confused and human but counteract it with being true to yourself. Fuck anything that makes you feel less than good enough.

 

[Bojangles69]

I honestly think whether you're a pushover or not just believing you are will cause you to adopt behavoirs of one.

And this is a risky thing *especially if you have feelings for the man because you are essentially admitting you don't have a lot of self esteem. That will usually cause a very predictable sequence of events. You hang out more. You grow emotionally fond of him. He sees he's got you wrapped around his finger, he starts to take advantage of you and act in his former ways.

The reality is you have no idea what he really wants from you. Never take a person at their word always take a person at their behavoirs. And a good way to really judge his feelings for you is how he acts when you are around his friends. Pay strong attention to his nonverbals in that environment if you get the chance it will usually tell you everything.

Also, "its always better to resist in the begining then the end" said someone clever. You should make a person earn your trust and your time. If you hand it out freely and are very approval giving to people they will usually resent you to a certain degree and feel it inside but try to act differently. So you will get them talking one way but acting another way. You should make them earn your respect. If you do not, people can experience buyers remorse from it. Look at sales or contracting. In order for a person to believe a product is valuable it must be sold as a commidity, something rare that is in demand. People usually try to sell themselves the same way. Lots of people will deny it, but if you look at the real world, you will see the evidence everywhere. The ones that are supernice, are usually the ones that don't have a whole hell of a lot to offer to others. They will be supernice just so people accept them. Then when people don't accept them they get extremely bitter and insecure over it.

Anyway the whole point is that if you just trust people and don't make them earn your trust you give the other person the advantage whether they want that advantage or not. I will usually give a person a tiny bit of approval at first but I punish them emotionally the second they do something I don't approve of. Act like an idiot around me and I will become completely nonresponsive to you. All I ask is that people be real with me and since most people seem to have an issue with this I can quickly become an ass myself.

Quick example. Customer today accidentally cancelled his payment. I told him "you accidentally hit the red button can you swipe again"? He says "I didn't hit the red button but I'll swipe again". I KNEW however the only way for a payment to be cancelled was for him to hit the red button.
I responded "you hit the red button" and said it like a bit of an asshole.
He said "yeh you're right I did".

Now get this. This has happened 100s of times before and there has been tons of times I've been extremely polite and said to the person "I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure you hit the red button" and people will sit there and argue with me just for the sake of fucking arguing. There is other people in the line and they see that inch (my passiveness) and take 20inches. They do it so they don't look like an idiot. I see this time and time again it almost never fails. I HAVE to be an asshole when certain things happen in my life just so people know that if they fuck with me, try to get over on me, try to do anything to get advantage over me... they will fail miserably.

You don't need to take this as dogma and let it drive you crazy. But my brother is a doormat. He lets people walk all over him. He has a big heart and is far too sensitive for his own good. And it has done absolutely nothing good for him his entire life. It only keeps life simple for him, be nice to everyone, when people are asses get mad at them. But in the real world when you want to get ahead, often you need to learn you way AROUND the asses. Which is the only reason I wrote this entire post anyways. G/luck with the guy w/e you do NOT make it too easy for him. Men are already bad enough as it is when it comes to motives for getting sex and last thing you want to do is make it any easier for them imo.

 

[Ceramic_Cat]

Well what did he used to do to you so I can give you proper advice : )

when we first started talking we went to hangout, he ditched me after 4 minutes and said a lot of mean things to me. I don't wanna mention them but they were really mean. so mean i went home and got in bed and cried really hard.

When we had hung out the other night i was left alone in the car with his aunt and mentioned how he had used to be mean to me and she said that he had been going through some "dark" times in life and has changed for the better.


i still dont know how he really feels about me and its killing me cause i already like him.


but thanks everyone for all the advice. it really means a lot to me and its help me think about things

 

[footscrazy]

People do change over time. It's surprising, I never thought it would happen but people I used to hate, I'm friends with now. I would hold off a bit, if I were you, but it just sounds like he's just trying to be your friend again

I would be wary to take this advice, just because the risk is so large if he hasn't changed. People CAN change, true, but I'm not sure if it's likely in this situation. I've had experience with abusive guys (and he sounds emotionally abusive to me) and they are often very charming, charismatic and manipulative people. There's a reason that girls are attracted to these guys, and it often is because they are so charming and most of the time they're awesome fun to be around. But that's not enough to make up for his mean streak, and I believe it would take a lot of personal insight and work on himself for him to have truly changed. Obviously I don't know him, but I have a feeling he feels in control of you because you're so nice, he's comfortable because he knows he calls the shots. He doesn't sound like he respects you, he's getting what he wants from you (company, attention and so on) but he's not giving the same back to you. I think he sounds very secure in his position with you, but do you feel secure? That's a bad sign. He knows he can be a dick to you but if he says the right things you'll let him back in your life - that's something you teach him whenever you put aside your feelings of hurt and talk to him again.

Even if he has changed, does he deserve forgiveness? He really upset you, and even if he's turned into a great guy now, maybe he needs to learn that bad behaviour has consequences, and that saying your sorry doesn't absolve him from his past shittiness to you.

I think the fact you're asking this question shows that you have a huge red flag inside you. You know deep inside he's no good for you, but I think you want to find reasons why your instinct is wrong. I think it's about short term versus long term gratification - it's hard to put off the short term good feeling you get from hanging around him for a long term benefit, when you know it's going to cause you a lot of pain to cut things off. The present moment is always more salient than some moment in way the future, so I know how hard it is to purposely choose pain for yourself in the short term for a benefit that you're not even sure what is at this point.

You should listen to your instincts, they're usually right, especially in us girls I think when it comes to matters of the heart. It's every part of you adding together all the signs, subconsciously, and saying, this isn't a good choice.

I really feel for you because I've been in a similar situation, and with the first guy I was with, who sounds similar in some ways, it was honestly amongst the hardest things I have ever done to leave him and get him out of my life. It was so worth it though, and it gives you a lot of strength and even self esteem to know that you've made a extremely hard choice because you've decided you deserve better. I think you need to cut him off - and at this point, don't even worry about trying to feel good about it. If it feels shit and every day you doubt yourself and want to call him or speak to him again, that's ok, the only thing you have to do is not do it, and it will get better

 

[sleepy]

you've already gotten a lot of good advice. i don't want to repeat what other thoughtful BLers have said......i do however think a few things should be highlighted, since you've received such a beautiful volume of responses: don't call yourself a pushover, ever. not even in your own mind. don't think that. there is strength in you, e.g., that spark that lifted the red flag that lead to your post. try to start being <<< being good to yourself ≥≥≥≥ - if you don't love and respect yourself, no one else will either. you will attract what you project. from what you've stated, i don't trust this guy. i, personally, never make myself "easy" for a man to get. i'm not saying play games; i'm just saying men and women are different: all they have is testosterone, and if they see what they want, they will move mountains to get it. make him move mountains to earn your respect and be worthy of your time. you are valuable; your time is valuable; your body is valuable; your mind and soul are valuable. we don't casually give away things of value. try, practice, seeing the value and beauty you possess. it takes time and energy. try to focus your energy there: toward learning to value and care for yourself.
-- sending love and care -
g

 

[Ceramic_Cat]

thanks everyone it really means a lot to me . i have such a hard time NOT calling myself a pushover, I feel like if I'm not being showered with affection I'm doing something wrong and i let people walk all over in me in exchange for affection. idk. I wish i could figure out a way to keep him interested in me without involving sex. i want him and i like him but i don't trust him yet and i told him I'm not giving him anything sexually. thanks again everyone for al the lovely advice 3

 

[sleepy]

do you know why you are so focused on this particular guy? certainly there are other entertaining, fun men. i've found when i'm focused in one direction that i'm closed to others. that if i don't make room in my being, my life, my energy, my time, for what i want, by forcing out, or at least eliminating, in whatever small increments i can manage, those who are NOT giving me what i deserve and expect and am worthy of, then there is no room for those other, more positive people. don't get me wrong. i understand being "hung-up" in a toxic, tho fun situation, but.... tho i'm not sure how old you are, i'm sure i'm older, but the earlier you learn that you only have so much in each day: so much for each person, for each endeavor, for each love, for each hope, then the the better, and less time wasted going in circles. bottom line. i hate to see another woman in pain. and i hate to see clever men do what they do, to feed their own needs. please tread w/caution. we obsess. i obsess on destructive behaviors and possessions. when i find myself doing this i know that something is "out of whack". again it takes time and patience w/yourself. just protect yourself. treat people the way you expect to be treated. expect to be treated w/love, compassion and kindness and when not, know that the other person is hurting and lacking, or damaged in some way -- that it's not a reflection of your own worth. be strong and know that you are deserve all of the energy you can muster for yourself and only the best, most loving, devoted partners on the planet.

best
g

 

[morpher001]

thanks everyone it really means a lot to me . i have such a hard time NOT calling myself a pushover, I feel like if I'm not being showered with affection I'm doing something wrong and i let people walk all over in me in exchange for affection. idk. I wish i could figure out a way to keep him interested in me without involving sex. i want him and i like him but i don't trust him yet and i told him I'm not giving him anything sexually. thanks again everyone for al the lovely advice 3

Its great that you know that about yourself. How do you feel about it?

 

[sleepy]

i wouldnt use sex, or my body as currency...i.e., if u r having fun, (as ANYONE SHOULD during sexual encounters) you' re not doing anyone any "favors" -its a two way street- your both enjoying each other - make sense?

 

[Jean-Paul]

men like that don't change. and you won't grow into a confident person if you throw yourself under the bus to get the approval of someone you already know is a dick. cut him out of your life and focus on improving yourself or doing things that make you feel good about yourself. someone will come along some day who makes you feel good.

 

[Dave]

^ This.

People like that seek out pushovers, since they know that they can get away with anything, and that said people will bend over backwards for approval.

 

[sleepy]

men like that don't change. and you won't grow into a confident person if you throw yourself under the bus to get the approval of someone you already know is a dick. cut him out of your life and focus on improving yourself or doing things that make you feel good about yourself. someone will come along some day who makes you feel good.

i totally agree. ive never trusted this guy, but understand "obsessions" that r unhealthy. if u focus half this energy on nurturing yourself, hopefully, youll understand your high value and expect, or accept, nothing but the most devoted, loving partners- best of luck to u- these r hard situations to manage- by asking for help youve already demonstrated a sense of self- worth/value, etc..... i suggest cultivating THAT- and as previous poster said: a good, worthy
MAN will show up- xoxo

 

[paranoid android]

Most people can change especially in their younger years. They can change for good or bad really. I don't resemble the person i was 10 years ago very much i don't think. I got all that macho bravado shit out of my system in my teens and early 20's . Plus I'm just a way different person and not as much of a cunt i don't think. Though i can be abit of a cunt when I'm having a bad time of it but that's normal. It's only natural for human beings to change because if you stay the same your whole life you are going to be a very boring person.

Id say see how he is and judge him for how how treats you now not when you where younger.