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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I'm a man, but I might think I'm a lady

N

not a doctor steve

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 14, 2011
Messages
34
I wasn't sure if I should post this here or in psychedelic drugs. If it gets enough responses to warrant action, I'd would appreciate it if a mod could move it or let me know. Thanks : )

Now, before anyone reacts to this, I want you all to know I have no basis for thinking I have any condition. In fact, I'm leaning towards believing that psychological disorders are ancestral and perfectly normal. Sorry for the long read, TLDR is at the bottom, lazy bones.

Throughout the past few months, I've noticed my self image is of a cute, uppity girl. I'm a twenty year old male, and am pretty secure about my masculinity. I still do all the things I've always done...semi manly things, I'd say. But lately, I've felt "sexier". I've always been rather sensitive. I used to think being sensitive made me very vulnerable and a "target" for those big bruiser guys out there. I've come to terms with that and am pretty content with who I am and how I handle things.

So, needless to say, I'm not incredibly worried about this, but I am very interested in anyone else' experience with these thoughts. I hope I'm not the only one to ever go down this road.

THE ISSUE:
I have used hallucinogens for about three years now, and they are my drug category of choice. When I began using at the tender age of seventeen, I was eating acid maybe three times a month. I know that's not a very favorable statistic, and I learned that the hard way :p. Over the next two years or so (until right before I turned 20), I was eating acid once a month on average, alternating MDMA and Ketamine use every other weekend, and experimenting with inducing difficult trips, happy trips, introspective trips, etc. (for example, I've had to work at an arcade at 10am. I woke up at 7am, dosed some LSD,went to sleep, and woke up at 9:30am just fucking "glowing"...that was a bad trip hehe) But you get the picture.

Every time I would overstep the drugs' boundaries, I would get knocked down a peg or two. I now know to respect the drugs if I want them to respect me.

Now, fast forward to last summer when I stopped using any psychedelics due to a massive relocation. I went to play in a band in another state. Actually, I was going to Myrtle Beach, SC. It wasn't as fun as it sounds. I had to meet all kinds of new people and make all new friends. I was effectively homeless and bouncing around my bandmates' homes for the summer. It wasn't really too bad though, because I could chill on the beach all day and there are a lot of campsites.

At one point, I went home to visit family and friends and I came into some clean (albeit disappointing) LSD and brought that shit back to the beach. My guitarist and I imbibed the night I got back, to the dismay of his girlfriend. During the trip, it was brought my attention that the girlfriend thought of me as "the other guy". She also accused me of trying to "bring the party back" to my guitar player, who is a bit older than me. I was trying to break down their newly budding life together, tear up hotel rooms, encroach on their personal time, cause problems for everyone, and all kinds of shit I was completely unaware of. That shook me up. I knew she was just crazy, but I still had to deal with the problems that were arising because of me living there.

During this trip, the crazy girlfriend made me very aware of my sexuality. I'm young and in pretty good shape. I somehow came out of the trip thinking I was becoming androgynous. I've identified that as a lack of sex drive and feeling jaded when it comes to relationships.

CURRENTLY:
Anytime I think of myself in any kind of social aspect, I see myself trying to be kind, caring, sensitive, gentle, honest, and...what the hell...I'm a woman. Not just having the characteristics I identify as female, but I am a girl in my mind's eye. I mean, I'm a pretty girl, but still...I'm a girl lol.

I have used LSD three times since I returned home from the beach, and MDMA and Ketamine once or twice. I began dabbling a little more seriously with cocaine and painkillers. I'm not incredibly partial to either, though I have a "higher than expected" natural tolerance to opiates. I have long been under the impression that cocaine has the tendency to "make a straight man seem gay". Probably thanks to "Metalacolypse" and that darn clown.


TLDR: My self image is that of a fine female, but I'm a male.


Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? I'm not particularly worried about this, because it hasn't effected any of my relationships. It may, however, be making it harder for me to forge any new relationships. I haven't really met very many new people lately, so it's hard to say.

Please, as stupid as this sounds, I'm sure others have had similar experiences. Please feel free to discuss any "self image issues possibly due to drug use" here, not just gender specific ones.
 
I highly doubt its from drug use.

Did you experience this feeling at all in your childhood?even slightly?

Btw, sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender identity. So thinking of yourself this wway doesn't automatically make you gay.
 
No, I have only been experiencing this in the last two months or so. I first noticed it after an LSD session, so I naturally thought it had something to do with my drug use. I wrestle with social roles a lot when I'm high, and I feel like this is either a thought that is spinning itself out of my mind, or the drugs saying "hey, take it easy, pal".


And sorry if I wasn't clear, but I tried to word my OP very carefully. I never said I thought I was gay, I'm fairly certain I'm not ( only because I don't think anyone can be sure of anything forever). Other than taking the "coke makes you seem gay" comment, I think I was pretty clear. And that's a true statement about myself. Coke makes me more whimsical, lovey dovey, and all around a fairy haha
 
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You guys reassuring : )

I'm interested to see if anyone else experiences these things, and if it's more common among psychedelic users.
 
Its more common than you'd think. And 99% of the time not caused by drugs. Its an inborn thing that can immerge at any point in a persons life, more commonly as a child but not always.
 
You wouldn't have any idea if it would be role confusion or split personality disorder or something along those lines, would you?

As it stands, I lack any real material for an internet search.

Any info is appreciated.

EDIT: I just searched multiple personality disorder, and it's one of those "ahhh I has doze simptoms" moments haha.

Most of the symptoms seem to VERY loosely correlate to me, except for blocking things out of my memory (but I guess I wouldn't realize if I did that, huh?). I guess it really is just my "tender side" showing through, seeing as the female aspects never take over without me noticing, and I'm well aware of the condition of my persona.

Talk about Egg on the Face.

/thinking too much


thanks guys
 
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It could be. That's why its required that people who seek surgery & hormones &stuff for this are required to jump thru 17zillion hoops, including seeing a shrink & having said shrink verify that they're sane & don't have split personalities or something else that's causing these feelings, before they can get what they need :\ most of the time its not caused by that but, sometimes.
 
A close friend of mine suffers from the condition you linked. I say suffer because "has" sounds like he chose it. He calls it role confusion, but the symptoms are very similar.
 
OP, you say you are straight. would you describe yourself and obsessed or extremely enamored by girls and femininity? beyond just fucking them?

I ask, because I was reading a thread a couple of weeks ago where male bluelighters were discussing this feeling of wanting to be a girl. But several were saying it was not really because they are girls on the inside, but because they are obsessed with females and their world, and want to know it to the point of experiencing it. I understand what they were talking about. I am certainly not a girl inside or out, but thinking of things like diaries, lip gloss, heels and panties--oh my. Even beyond that, thinking of what it must be like to be treated like a fragile and precious living object of beauty. To be that object. If i find the link sometime, I'll edit it in.

Now obviously this is not the case for every guy who has ever been confused by fantasies of living the life of a pretty girl, as it seems some peoples' bodies and mental gender really do not match up. But it is something to consider, as you are not a pretty little girl and life will probably be easier if you do not need to be one.

also, if you are confused in life and you think it might be because of drug use, you might want to consider cutting back and taking a sober look at things. people in here are pretty convinced this is not linked to your drug use, and they might be right, but habitual drug use can definitely affect personality and sexuality to some extent.
 
That's a good point.

I've known myself to put girls on a pedestal here and there, and my whole view of sexuality was messed up for a little bit after eating acid and going to work with lovely chicas. I felt like relationships were a trap, something put in place to tempt us, just so we could resist them. I have since talked that over with my sister, my mom, my aunt, my brother, and a lot of friends.

I have never actually fantasized about BEING a girl. The thought never entered my mind until recently. It's weird and kind of hard to explain, even to myself. Anytime I step back from myself to look at the big picture, There's at least one mental picture that pops up. Not every time, but enough that I would call it a trend. I think of how I fit into the scheme of things at the time, and the picture pops into my dome. I know I'm looking at me, but it's a slender, long haired lady.

I don't know, have you ever thought you're life is all in your head, and your brother, sister, mom, and dad are all extensions of your own wisdom? It's absurd of course (at least i hope haha), but I'm thinking I've entertained that scenario long enough that my brain just goes there sometimes. Maybe I'm looking at my sister. I don't know. It doesn't look like my sister. But it's interesting to make that connection.

And I agree that I have gone overboard with the trips in the past, on purpose most of the time. I do have a really self destructive streak.

/thinking on the internet
 
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wiki said:
The anima and animus in Carl Jung's school of analytical psychology, are the two primary anthropomorphic archetypes of the unconscious mind, as opposed to both the theriomorphic and inferior-function of the shadow archetypes, as well as the abstract symbol sets that formulate the archetype of the Self. The anima and animus are described by Jung as elements of his theory of the collective unconscious, a domain of the unconscious that transcends the personal psyche. In the unconscious of the male, it finds expression as a feminine inner personality: anima; equivalently, in the unconscious of the female it is expressed as a masculine inner personality: animus.
Click to expand...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anima_and_animus
 
not a doctor steve said:
CURRENTLY:
Anytime I think of myself in any kind of social aspect, I see myself trying to be kind, caring, sensitive, gentle, honest, and...what the hell...I'm a woman. Not just having the characteristics I identify as female, but I am a girl in my mind's eye. I mean, I'm a pretty girl, but still...I'm a girl lol.

TLDR: My self image is that of a fine female, but I'm a male.

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? I'm not particularly worried about this, because it hasn't effected any of my relationships. It may, however, be making it harder for me to forge any new relationships. I haven't really met very many new people lately, so it's hard to say.

Please, as stupid as this sounds, I'm sure others have had similar experiences. Please feel free to discuss any "self image issues possibly due to drug use" here, not just gender specific ones.
Click to expand...

Well, first things first: what you're experiencing and the way you've described it is NOT stupid. Not in the slightest. I personally suspect that a lot of people have self-image/gender issues similar to this but just never tell anyone.

So you think that you're not gay, and that's fine. What about bisexual? It may be completely inconsequential but then on the other hand it might be something worth pondering even if just for your own curiosity. So yeah you don't even have to discuss that openly with us here, maybe just think about it in your own time.

When you say that your self-image is a female, could it be that you are perhaps idolising and "putting women on a pedestal" kinda thing, rather than actually having a female self-image?
And I think you also said somewhere that you don't actually want to be a girl, but it's just your self-image. Is that right? So you're not actually wanting to physically BE a woman?

Some men are just really quite effeminate, I'm not sure if this is just an Australian term but we call them "metrosexuals". And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If your feminine self-image isn't causing you any concern (other than just being curious as to what it means) then why not just go with it/accept it?

Oh, and regarding the drug use, I personally don't think that drug use/abuse CAUSED these thoughts in you, but rather broke down the psychological barriers to allow you to accept that this is who you are. That's one of the beautiful things about hallucinogenic drugs ;)
 
i gotta say i love this threads title
haha
;)

i think about this often, im not gay, but feel more of connection with female points-of-view, appreciation for things; music; art; fashions;-); kitties lol; emotions; need to nurture...
idk.
i feel a bit lucky to have this view of things as well as a more masculine type as well.

i want to go more into this, because its damn interesting to me, but i need a smoke now,,,, and want to read some physiology shit about this.


i personally put the fems on a pedestal, because they get all the good clothes....
 
n3ophy7e said:
Oh, and regarding the drug use, I personally don't think that drug use/abuse CAUSED these thoughts in you, but rather broke down the psychological barriers to allow you to accept that this is who you are. That's one of the beautiful things about hallucinogenic drugs ;)
Click to expand...

couldn't agree more. I've been called a space cadet but I swear you can learn more about what matters thru these mannerisms than any damn textbook has for me :)
 
Draigan said:
So? I often think of myself as a girl too... I think of myself as all sorts of things. Self images change like that. Enjoy it.

I use my girl side for a lot of relationship stuff and project that self image when I am doing it, and I also use my male side too.
Click to expand...

I think you're way off the mark. He said when he looks in the mirror his mind is actually projecting a girl. This goes much deeper than you think.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice, I just wanted to point out the depth of this issue.
 
OP: Check out a thread over in PD. Permanent Psychosis: An Ongoing Tragedy

A lot of the posts there kind of deal with what you are talking about. There is also a lot of interesting debate as to weather these types of things are a direct cause of drugs, or weather it is just natural to blame the drugs for the current condition. I know you are talking about something completely different, but it's just something that might be interesting for you to read seeing as a lot of the responses could apply to you as well.
 
Become gay.

Or get a sex change.

This isn't really all that unusual.

Your going to have to be honest with yourself because heterosexual relationships aren't going to work if you openly admit to being feminine right down to the core.
 
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