i'm a disappointment

[Mellabopper]

maybe it is true
that you can't count on anyone
except yourself
and sometimes
not even yourself
hands shaking
and tears falling
red puffy eyes
i'm a mess
and it scares me
because i'm afraid of falling
back into that lifestyle
of doing things that aren't me
of being things that aren't true
doing things just to please others
no matter how much you hate it
and now matter how much it kills you inside
and makes you forget the good things about life
it makes you remember
your good times
and wish you knew there were more ahead
but you don't
because those times will never come again
don't you see?
i'm not perfect
and i'm to blame
but i just wish
that you would accept me
for who i am
and what i do
and not try to control me
and form me into a mini you
you'd rather control me
and turn my life into a stage
where everyday i must act
and stay in my part
until i forget who i am
and i begin to live the part i play
but the only thing missing from that part
is my soul
and my life
and my happiness.
but that,
no that doesnt matter to you
i hate lying to you
and i hate lying to myself
but we can't have it both ways
and you won't meet me halfway
in time
i will leave you all behind
it would probably be better for you
so i don't cause you any more pain
and tears
and disappointment.
it would be better
if i weren't around at all.
you probably wish i were never born.
sometimes i think that too
because i wouldn't have hurt you
as much as i did
and still continue to do.
i dont know what to do anymore
my world is crashing down
and it scares me
because i can feel myself
slowly slipping away
back into that pit of apathy for everything
for me,
for my life
for my soul and my happiness
if i fall then
in time those things wont matter
because they will all have been locked away
lost
and forgotten forever.
i'm falling
i'm dying
and i stopped living
do with me what you will
it doesnt matter anymore
nothing does.
if i can't be who i really am
then i dont see the point of living at all.
7-16-02
****** this was written a few days ago during a few very emotional days/hard times for me (but don't worry, things have gotten a bit better now ) ******
Mellabopper

 

[JCAP]

Man, I read this and felt so much...I have been there, felt that...thank you for showing me that my feelings are not exclusive...
this too shall pass...

 

[Web]

don't you see?
i'm not perfect
and i'm to blame
but i just wish
that you would accept me
for who i am
and what i do
and not try to control me
and form me into a mini you
Oh Mella, your such a little goddess... imperfect, but awesome all the same. Another facet of the face of the Mother... I accept you for who you are.

 

[Noodle]

*hugs*
I feel you.
I have so been there.

 

[Tribal Hybridz]

damn that reminds me so much of childhood, livin with the parents, aching to one day break out of their mold. then i realized, i broke out the second i realized this world is my world, at no one's discretion but my own. Just dont end your life before you begin your life. Peace.

 

[bdreligrrl]

{{Mella}}
That poem literally gave me flashbacks to various points in my life as I read it... you really do have a gift for writing. Just want you to know I've been where you are now, in fact I suppose I still am... just learning how to handle it better. Believe me... stay strong and this too shall pass. Remain true to yourself and everything will fall into place eventually.
Peace ~Katie

 

[Ms.ReD]

Don't worry beauty, it will all pass in time.
I understand what your going through...nothing but turbulent times when your young.
Stay safe and true to yourself dear,
ReD

 

[Rhiannon]

*hug*
Mel, that was wonderful. It was beautifully written as well as having powerful emotion packed into it.
Your sense of feeling is admirable. I hope you feel completely better soon.