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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Im a bloody crackwhore but nobody cares enough to notice

labeling yourself like you do can't be helping

beating yourself up by calling yourself 'crackwhore' ?

probably a good hard hit to your self esteem every time you repeat it to yourself

national ballet ? are you kidding ? that's wickedly awesome

sounds like the little girl you were was made to feel worthless by parents too deeply stuck in their own pain to notice what they were doing to you. yeah, that shit gets stuck deep in a person's identity and is real hard to pry loose.

going from pro dancing to sex work because of addiction - not cool.

going from that, back to pro dancing ? extremely cool.
 
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InsaneJane said:
How did she get clean? I keep getting the run around
Click to expand...

The way she did it, was she never went to any actual treatment center. She got serious about taking the advice of the psychiatrist she had been seeing for years, and he changed her meds up so that they started helping her, rather than making her feel worse. She moved away from all her "friends", including the man she had been seeing who was also an addict and had aided and abetted her. (Changed her people, places, & playgrounds.)

Then, she went back to University, finished up her degree with flying colors, & is now a graduate asistant in a prestigious program, looking to go on for her PhD.

I think part of what spurred her into changing things up was, she knew I was fixing to up & move from our home in Ohio, 1000 miles south to Alabama, and I would no longer be there to clean up her messes. That was not all of it, but a part of it, I believe. Meantime, I was very supportive of her efforts, and we kept an open dialogue.

You & she sound quite a bit alike. Just like you, she had some underlying issues: not an eating disorder, but some other stuff, and I know that the crack cocaine was one of her means at self-medicating.

She has, more than once, "apologized" for some of her actions & behavior during the time she was using, but I always tell her, baby Girl, that was NOT you, that was the drugs. And, my best "thanks" is the fact of how she lives her life now. And, at the end of the day, she inspired ME to get clean of my OWN addiction, to prescription opiates.

There is definitely life & hope...feel free to PM me any time. I would love to be there to help you figure this out.

xoxox

Justine
 
hello insane jane i once was a sad lonley drug addict like yourself i lived if u want to call it living from here to there sticking a needle in my arm and feeling like there wasnt a single person in the world who really knew me or cared. i thought i would die with a needle sticking out of my arm all alone. Well with the help of god i am now happily married with a beautifull family. i am now on methadone maitenence which is absolutley fine with me and i am happy i am truly honestly happy. i will b 30 on wednesday. it took some years for me to get straightened out but i did it and let me tell u something sweetie u can to. i know u can and just so u know i think you matter i think u matter a whole lot and wow what an accomplishment u have made in your life a balerina i love it my 2 year old is in dance class and i am hoping she becomes a great balerina one day. dont u ever give up and u hold your head high and your so called family doesn t even deserve for you to acknowledge that they exist. i bleieve in u and i truly bleieve that u will find your way. best wishes hunny
 
Hey,
if you were here, I'd hug you and cry with you till there were no tears left.
Don't give up on yourself just yet
because I won't.

With Love,
Laura
 
I just want you to know that after reading your story last night I cannot quit thinking about you and praying for you. I have told several people your story already and it has brought about much discussion and empathy for your situation. You sound like a wonderful person with a horrible disease and I truely am praying for you. Your family is crazy for missing out on knowing and loving you. They dont deserve you! Please look for the strength inside of yourself and not from others or the outside, that is where your strenth lies and your reaching and searching elswhere is wasting your precious energy. I know life is so lonely and depressing but we are never going to get what we want from others, they are never going to say or do the things we want. The only person we can control in this life is ourselves. Work from the inside out and you wont be disappointed. Good luck!! You are a beautiful and perfect child of God. All my love to you sister.
 
Well that's one of the more depressing things I've read lately.

You can't define yourself by your situation. You keep talking about how you *were* in the national ballet and you *are* a crackwhore, as if those were two different people. You don't have to be the crackwhore, that's a decision you're making over and over again every second you keep living that way. It sucks that the people in your life don't seem to give a shit about you, but that just means you need to find new people. Your family isn't obligated to give a damn about you and you aren't obligated to give a damn about them. It'd be lovely if we all got along with the people we share blood with but unfortunately that's not always the case. You need help, reach out to people as best you can, get into the system, and be honest about how desperate your situation is.

You can't passively overcome anything, sitting at home trying not to get high isn't going to help anything. You need to be actively trying to do something else, focus on finding a way to help yourself, not on trying not to use, because the latter is a losing battle.
 
I tried to send you this via PM, but found I couldn't because I'm still a greenlighter.
So I guess I'll post it here:

A few years ago I went through a period of depression, was constantly thinking of suicide, wondering how I could be in so much pain and no one would notice. How everyone around me could be so cruel and not see how I was falling apart in front of their eyes. I started cutting myself hoping someone would notice, notably my mom. When she finally did, she didn't do anything, and things in my life ended up just staying the same. I wasn't sure what I had been expecting, but I gave up calling out for help. Instead I would sit in silence while everyone around me loudly complained about their troubles, thinking how they didn't know the first thing about pain. It's something that doesn't just go away with a few words of encouragement, something that no one but yourself can truly feel.

I don't mean to be condescending or claim to have been through your exact situation, but God, I remember being in SO MUCH pain and wondering how NO ONE would notice. I want you to know that I notice you, and I care about you, one human to another. I believe in you, so please don't give up on life just yet, no matter how hard it gets. Even if you give up on yourself, don't give in. I promise it will get better, you've got to trust me.

If you ever need anything, please let me know. I'm here.

With love,
Laura
 
I have a friend who's trying to get into detox in ontario as well and it seems fucking impossible. It pisses me off to no end because ontario is a well off province where as i live in the poorest goddamn crack infested province in canada and it's alot easier to get into treatment here then up there. Seems the ontario health system is more fucked in alot of ways then ours.
 
paranoid android said:
I have a friend who's trying to get into detox in ontario as well and it seems fucking impossible. It pisses me off to no end because ontario is a well off province where as i live in the poorest goddamn crack infested province in canada and it's alot easier to get into treatment here then up there. Seems the ontario health system is more fucked in alot of ways then ours.
Click to expand...

Ontario is $230 billion in debt with a $25b deficit.

We have plenty of money to piss away on g20 meetings and paying hundreds of millions to enhance the appearance of a privately owned resort. (deerhurst was it?) we have all the energy necessary to hunt down, charge and jail the protesters but funny enough, not to do the same to the cops that behaved criminally (thanks to the star newspaper for being all over that).

Ontario is waging war on the poor.

They slashed welfare and disability by 20% years ago and those people were just left to starve and die. What makes anyone think the province would treat drug users any better. Ontario wants users to just die or go away.

/end rant


insanejane, pop up and say hello, we care
 
I lived in toronto when the province was in better shape or atleast i think it was. I was up there during one of the coldest winters on record and i have never seen anything so sad as the homeless people out on the street in -30C weather. I always gave them change when i had it to spare even though many people i know didnt because they said theyd only spend it on drugs. I thought this was rather judgemental because if just about anyone lived that bad of a life they would be a hardcore drug user as well. I figured if you lived on the streets in a place where the winters are like a ice box then some crack or smack is the least of your worries. Granted it only makes things worse. But i was not homeless (only by sheer luck) and i was a hardcore alcoholic who regularly used all kinds of pills and also liked the dirty auld pipe as well. Granted i never got addicted to crack but i did my share.

I just can't believe that it's so hard to get into detox up there compared to here. But then again even trying to find a doctor in certain cities in ontario is impossible. I even ended up getting charged for doctors visits to walk in clinics because they wouldnt take my out of province health card :! . Sorry but i can't afford $60-80 to see some quack at a walk in clinic who won't even prescribe me the morphine or clonazepam that i need! Even the methadone place wouldnt take my out of province health card for fuck sakes :X . Talk about being fucked 8) . The walk in clinics said they didnt have to take my card because they are "independant" clinics. Why isint the government cracking down hard on "independant" clinics such as these? I thought medical care was supposed to be socialized here? Fucking conservatives are gutting what is left of the health care system.

Sorry bout the rant :\

Please check in OP and let us know how your doing.
 
Hey. Sorry. I didnt mean to disappear. Shit hit the fan later on Christmas day when they finally got around to me. When I say they got around to me, I mean they sent me some hurtful text messages. I cant expect theim to plan everything around me/my problems. They dont want to hear about or deal with any of my silly problems. I should grow up and get some bigger problems than what i can eat and where things go. I cant expect them to keep helping me. Im ridiculous. Christmas isnt all about me. They have other people to visit. Im killing my grandparents. Im breaking my dads heart. Dont I care about anyone else. Im ridiculous. They dont have to listen to me.

Ive since spent the past 3 days fighting everything and everyone, and myself, for justification to exist. My parents and sister finally agreed to stop by for gift exchange, which never actualized. Instead we had a huge volatile fight complete with furniture flying and hysterical crying (by me ) after I had asked for 5 minutes alone to calm down. (Thats being controlling and manipulative, appearantly). Yeah. Its pretty much over.

I quit, my pain threshold has been exceeded. My friends and family quit, they are tired of dealing with me. Show's over.:(

PS, I will respond to all of the comments when I stop crying long enough to read. Thank you, though. <3
 
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^^^

Sorry to hear that. :(

Please see if you can get back into treatment. Don't give up on yourself just because others have done so.
 
Hey, merry fucking xmas to you too, lol

when all else has left, all you can do is have a good laugh.

laugh till the tears run down your cheeks, laughter will be a fantastic friend to you.

my heart is with you, as a fellow being on this spinning planet, i nod my head to you, i acknowledge that we are here, passing souls playing this crazy 3d game together, and hell baby, I dont know the answers, but at some point when i hit my lowest points in life, below the pain their is joy in the seeing of it all for what it is, an unfathomable cosmic joke.

we all love you this christmas

salute

fellow being
 
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Just read thru all this starting now. I'm sorry things are so hard for you now and you're in so much pain for so long, and that no one notices or seems to care (except maybe here!). I don't know what's happened in your family relationships or why they are so bad, and I don't know anything about eating disorders specifically, but you definitely sound like a caring, sensitive person with a lot of positive qualities.

If you're 26 and were a professional ballerina, then you must really have something going for you in life, and even if you've lost some things because of crack and mental health issues, you will have good things in your life again. I'm a couple years older (~30) and I lost (for a while) a pretty serious, high-status professional career in my late 20s because of a combination of psychological disorder, crack, and other drugs. Getting too deep into crack smoking, prostituting -- sure, plenty of people are shocked by that stuff and can't imagine doing it -- but that doesn't make you any less of a person or deserve anything less in life.

I'm a male, never prostituted on crack (though I know plenty of people who did/do), but did a lot of things I never thought I would and can't believe just a couple years later. So I know that can make you feel like shit about yourself. I don't know what you, personally, need or can do to make your life better. But having been to and known a lot of people in some very deep dark places (sometimes literally!), I can say it's not forever. It doesn't have to be anyway. Just like you can fall deep into crack VERY fast, when you get away, you can also get a lot of distance from all that very fast.
 
OK, Ive been trying to respond to individual posts and messages but cant seem to get very far without experiencing some mild rage which scares me, leading to paralyzing anxiety, which usually results in me layin in a pathetic mess on the ground balling my eyes out. At which point I calm down, and try again. Wash/Rinse/Repeat. Soooo, its a work temporarily out of progress.

In the meantime, I thought I should update:
Finally got up the guts to admit to my old best friend point blank that my cocaine issue in now a crack addiction. I didnt really get a reaction, he tried to gloss over it. So (and I hate myself for this but...I dont know if Id do it differently in hindsight...then again Im on day 4 of no sleep) I actually went and just started smoking right in front of him. We carried on as if I wasnt sucking on a peice of glass with chunk of steel wool in the end. He stayed till 4am. After he left and got in the elevator I started balling. I texted him and said

"So, I guess that was my way of telling you I smoke crack and need to get help. Im sorry. I hate myself and dont know what to do because Im afraid that nothing will even actually help anymore. Im sorry. I hate myself"

He replied "Why? Im not upset?"

I cried even harder. Its after 6am and Im still choked up. Not because he doesnt fight for me, but because I honestly dont blame him. I wouldnt either. Eventually, people quit doing the same thing hoping to get a different result.

Or maybe Im not making sense. Its been 4 days without sleep and I cant sleep even when I put the damn pipe down, shower, eat and pace back and forth beside my bed. Blah. FML!

ETA: Almost Forgot. It gets better, cuz now Im almost out of rock and my dealerdude said Im out of control and cut me off. I guess Ill either end up shooting or prancing around regent park. Both have not historically netted me positive results but maybe this time will be better, theres always hope! (Actually Type A Anorexic-turned-bulimic-turned-crackwhores dont seem to generate the most optimistic attitudes, huh?!)
 
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Sorry to come with the tough love, but what exactly are you waiting for? Even in your title - what concerns you most, the fact that you're on crack or the fact that no-one notices?

You're obviously crying out for attention be it from your family, or even your best friend, and you seem disappointed when you don't get the reaction you want, and then use this as an excuse to use.

This is teenage behaviour, the only person you're punishing is yourself. You can't rely on the actions of others for your happiness, if we all did that we'd all be in the gutter.

If you truly want happiness & a clean life it needs to come from within, and you need to take responsability for your situation instead of blaming others. I don't know, I'm assuming, but maybe it's your refusal to do this over a number of years thats driven your family & friends to act so detatched and cold. Maybe they've tried in the past but it's never been enough so they're sick of it.

I'm wrong to surmise, but I'm just being honest about the underlying tone in your posts. The only person who's going to come along & rescue you from this hole you're in is you, and I hope you start to do it do it sooner rather than later <3
 
^ Thats all precisely what Im trying to say. :) Thank you for organizing my thoughts ;)

I have no idea what concerns me more. Its jeuvenile, Im aware of this. I am totally emotionally retarded but I dont know what maturity feels like because it terrifies me so much that I bail, never really finished going through puberty physically lalala you get what Im trying to say.

So I know it but it doesnt change how I feel. didnt really expect to get "advice". Just commiseration from people who can relate maybe...I dunno. Just been feeling particularly hopeless and usually feel better after spewing nonsencical vocabular pity party.
 
Actually, I figured it out. Im not really concerned about being on crack apart from the stigma specific to crack that causes people not to care===> so that would mean Im more upset that no one notices. Not specifically notice the crack use/drug use. Just like, acknowledge I exist and am not dead quite yet.

That said, heh, right now whats most concerning to me, (aside from the lack of sleep, the acute mood swings, and the constant ringing in my ears thats probably some kind of hallucination), is the pain in my ribcage cuz Im kinda starting to have a hard time chalking it up to gas pain etc. LOL I hope they hurry up and notice me goddamit cuz time is ticking!
 
I think they all notice.

The friend watching you smoke was just an extreme example of what everyone is doing: They see it, but they have no idea how to acknowledge something that is so foreign to their experience. They don't know what to do. So they pretend it's not happening or they get mad at your for other things.

Failing to acknowledge this problem out loud and directly (for you, for them), could be the reason things are just getting more and more hectic. That's just my guess.

What badandwicked said might be right: No one is going to hear your cries for help (or admit to hearing them), so you'll have to take action yourself to start getting better (if you can bring yourself to do it, I know from experience that when someone walks into 12-step groups and tells an emotional story like yours, people DO approach and try to help). It's a sad situation, but I think it's going to be up to you alone to really take control.

You do want to stop this lifestyle, right? That's what I gather from your posts. Do you have anyone else around you close and supportive enough to directly ask for help? Are there any options for you to get professional help (or even something like a support group)? I know you said the medical programs are kinda blocked up.

It might be too late before they notice, or admit to noticing. Please don't wait for that to happen.

I think they WILL notice when you start to get better.
 
Fuck your family. It's one thing to realize there are careless people out there... another thing to be in the middle of it and realize just how many people care just how little. But they are out there, somewhere outside your family and treatment centre.
 
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