I am in a really, really bad headspace today.
I'm not sure if it's because I've been sick with some kind of stomach ailment since last Wednesday... but I've spent the last few days scared as shit that there's something seriously wrong with me. When I spend a lot of time alone like this and I can't get out the house it tends to make me go a bit hysterical and mad in the head.
I have been doing so well lately, I don't know what happened, I'm sure it's just because of the amount of time I've had to ponder over things. Normally I've got work to keep me busy, or I can get out of the flat for a walk to clear my head. I've been too sick to move for days.
The way I feel is how I used to feel when I was in my early twenties and was really struggling to get to grips with my head. I used to get absolutely gripped by this monster in my head. My chest would get all tight and my head would get all busy and I would start getting really angry and upset about absolutely everything. That would then give way to crying and paranoia... then I would start to click that my thoughts weren't rational and I'd pull myself out of it... although usually too late because I had a horrible habit of taking it out on the people closest to me, and they couldn't cope with the way they lashed out, and I'm ashamed that they had to.
At first I thought I had some kind of mental health issue, such as depression, but the older I get the more I realise it is more like a repressed anger that I'm feeling. I've had some pretty horrible things happen to me and rather than work through them I've just barged onwards and drugged myself up to the eyeballs to forget about what happened to me. There were a couple of times I tried to open up but I have a habit of choosing the wrong people and ended up with them throwing it back in my face and making me feel even worse.
So, now, I'm sitting here after having metaphorically ripped off the heads of two friends that had no idea what they'd done wrong. One of them has been in my shoes and I should have just explained to him how I was feeling and the other hasn't been in my shoes but understands how I work and would have been able to know how to deal with this if I had only realised that this was me, not him, and I feel absolutely awful about it.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. I was doing so well. I'm sure given some cigarettes and a cup of tea, and some time away from my laptop, that I'll be ok... or at least I'll calm down... I just thought I was past all this.
I wish Colm was here. He'd understand all of this because he's been where I am. I texted him but it's Saturday night and he's trying to sort things out with his girl, and I don't want to be a burden.
I just want to be ok. I want to be back in that headspace.
I'm torn, do I stay up and work through it even though I worry that I might damage myself? To be totally honest, it's times like these that I want to self harm and I don't want to go back there. It's been a long time since I've felt like I wanted to do this. It's not like I want to end my life or anything (the irony is I have so much to live for that I couldn't do it) but I do feel like I need an outlet for what I'm feeling. I don't know what to do.
Maybe it would be best to take some co-dydramol and go to bed? Maybe? I don't know. I'm going to step away and see if I can calm myself down with some camomile. Although I feel like a tranquilizer dart would be more appropriate.
At least I know I can write it all down here. I don't know if anyone reads this, but if they do, now's the time to interact and give me some advice. Please, speak to me, someone.
If I phone the doctor on Monday I can get valium and propanolol. I've been med-free (well apart from pain killers) for nearly two months and maybe this is showing me that I'm not quite ready. I feel like these shitstorms I have are maybe panic attacks?
Fuck knows.
If you read this, thank you.
I'm not sure if it's because I've been sick with some kind of stomach ailment since last Wednesday... but I've spent the last few days scared as shit that there's something seriously wrong with me. When I spend a lot of time alone like this and I can't get out the house it tends to make me go a bit hysterical and mad in the head.
I have been doing so well lately, I don't know what happened, I'm sure it's just because of the amount of time I've had to ponder over things. Normally I've got work to keep me busy, or I can get out of the flat for a walk to clear my head. I've been too sick to move for days.
The way I feel is how I used to feel when I was in my early twenties and was really struggling to get to grips with my head. I used to get absolutely gripped by this monster in my head. My chest would get all tight and my head would get all busy and I would start getting really angry and upset about absolutely everything. That would then give way to crying and paranoia... then I would start to click that my thoughts weren't rational and I'd pull myself out of it... although usually too late because I had a horrible habit of taking it out on the people closest to me, and they couldn't cope with the way they lashed out, and I'm ashamed that they had to.
At first I thought I had some kind of mental health issue, such as depression, but the older I get the more I realise it is more like a repressed anger that I'm feeling. I've had some pretty horrible things happen to me and rather than work through them I've just barged onwards and drugged myself up to the eyeballs to forget about what happened to me. There were a couple of times I tried to open up but I have a habit of choosing the wrong people and ended up with them throwing it back in my face and making me feel even worse.
So, now, I'm sitting here after having metaphorically ripped off the heads of two friends that had no idea what they'd done wrong. One of them has been in my shoes and I should have just explained to him how I was feeling and the other hasn't been in my shoes but understands how I work and would have been able to know how to deal with this if I had only realised that this was me, not him, and I feel absolutely awful about it.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. I was doing so well. I'm sure given some cigarettes and a cup of tea, and some time away from my laptop, that I'll be ok... or at least I'll calm down... I just thought I was past all this.
I wish Colm was here. He'd understand all of this because he's been where I am. I texted him but it's Saturday night and he's trying to sort things out with his girl, and I don't want to be a burden.
I just want to be ok. I want to be back in that headspace.
I'm torn, do I stay up and work through it even though I worry that I might damage myself? To be totally honest, it's times like these that I want to self harm and I don't want to go back there. It's been a long time since I've felt like I wanted to do this. It's not like I want to end my life or anything (the irony is I have so much to live for that I couldn't do it) but I do feel like I need an outlet for what I'm feeling. I don't know what to do.
Maybe it would be best to take some co-dydramol and go to bed? Maybe? I don't know. I'm going to step away and see if I can calm myself down with some camomile. Although I feel like a tranquilizer dart would be more appropriate.
At least I know I can write it all down here. I don't know if anyone reads this, but if they do, now's the time to interact and give me some advice. Please, speak to me, someone.
If I phone the doctor on Monday I can get valium and propanolol. I've been med-free (well apart from pain killers) for nearly two months and maybe this is showing me that I'm not quite ready. I feel like these shitstorms I have are maybe panic attacks?
Fuck knows.
If you read this, thank you.
