Im 6mos meth free :) I was triggered last nite & im having SERIOUS using thoughts :(

[Stimlover22]

Im 6mos meth free I was triggered last nite & im having SERIOUS using thoughts

Hi, I am a recovering crystal meth addict. I decided to clean up my act on August 22nd, 2012 almost 7mos. I used about 3.5g a month, regularly vaporizing and slamming tweak. I quit all on my own, I self detoxed at home, and didn't do much but eat and sleep, cry like a baby and hibernate in bed for 3 weeks. I've done really well, I am 5'10" and was weighing 143lbs when I ended my last binge. I now weigh 186lbs since I have quit using.

Last night, after browsing netflix movies, I stumbled across thisvTV show called "Addicted" and profiled on this episode was a tweaked out hardcore meth addict. In my a
ddict thinking and self-coercion I had convinced myself that it would be "okay" to watch this episode of this girl smokin bowls of shard and getting spun to oblivion and exhaling mushroom clouds of vapor because "Meth is not a part of my life anymore, and I have moved on". Truth is, I was all okay until I saw her whip out her pizzo and suck the glass dick got my heart racing. I kept telling myself to turn the channel! Turn the fucking channel! I was completely romanticizing. I kept rewinding the scenes of her melting down her shards, cooling the chamber with a wet rag and relighting that beautiful crackback.. I went to sleep last night and had a using dream aka " using nightmare" and all fucking day scoring some dope is all I thought about. Sick to my stomach while watching this girl on tv getting spun, I could smell and taste that thick lovely smoke slowly entering my lungs and exhaling it into a enormous cloud of tweaker bliss. I still can't get it off my mind. What should I do? Am I that fucked up in thd head? I need some sound advice, please..

 

[froglegs]

You are not alone. This happens to every addict. We tend to forget all the horrible things these drugs did to our life and only remember the good. The good feelings you get from these drugs are not real. These drugs are not your friend. Remember all the time you spent sick. That feeling of horror when you run out and don't know where your next fix will come from. You've made it this far so you know you have the willpower to continue. Every addict reaches a crossroads such as this. There are only two options. One leads to destruction and the other leads to true happiness. There is nothing romantic about these drugs. They promise you everything will be ok and then bail on you when you need them most leaving you hopeless. Go outside and look at the night sky. Think about all the things you still want to do in your life. If you choose the path to happiness, all this is possible.

 

[Stimlover22]

You are not alone. This happens to every addict. We tend to forget all the horrible things these drugs did to our life and only remember the good. The good feelings you get from these drugs are not real. These drugs are not your friend. Remember all the time you spent sick. That feeling of horror when you run out and don't know where your next fix will come from. You've made it this far so you know you have the willpower to continue. Every addict reaches a crossroads such as this. There are only two options. One leads to destruction and the other leads to true happiness. There is nothing romantic about these drugs. They promise you everything will be ok and then bail on you when you need them most leaving you hopeless. Go outside and look at the night sky. Think about all the things you still want to do in your life. If you choose the path to happiness, all this is possible.

Thank you!! I just did exactly what you suggested by remembering those times when all was happy with my meth use, the times it falsely inflated my self-esteem and lied to me. by telling me it would always love me all the while it was using me as it's puppet but I was too deceived myself to see the destruction it caused to my life and when it would comfort me like the friend I never had only untik I was under it's powerful bondange and then it turned on me and created me into a lying, thieving, jobless, near homeless and spazzed out tweaker. When I really do as they suggest in Cocaine Anonymous meetings as when you have that urge that itch you wanna scratch to first and foremost "Playing the tape through to the end" and thereby not only fircing nyself to think not only about the glamour and pleasure of that fix, but also the monster you become again when that high is gone! I didn't even think of this until you suggested that I remember how it promised me happiness but guaranteed me torment and isolation. Thank you again I needed that response.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

The fact that you haven't scored after seeing that PROVES that you are strong and can do this.

Keep up the good work! Positive vibes. It's tough and you're prevailing through like a champ! I'm happy for you.

 

[Sepher]

You are not alone. This happens to every addict. We tend to forget all the horrible things these drugs did to our life and only remember the good. The good feelings you get from these drugs are not real. These drugs are not your friend. Remember all the time you spent sick. That feeling of horror when you run out and don't know where your next fix will come from. You've made it this far so you know you have the willpower to continue. Every addict reaches a crossroads such as this. There are only two options. One leads to destruction and the other leads to true happiness. There is nothing romantic about these drugs. They promise you everything will be ok and then bail on you when you need them most leaving you hopeless. Go outside and look at the night sky. Think about all the things you still want to do in your life. If you choose the path to happiness, all this is possible.

Solid post Froglegs. Yes, there is a tendency to dwell only on the good times, and 'forget' or dismiss all the negative things that went with addiction, and how much strength of will recovery took. How is it even possible to forget? But we do. It's the drug memory lying to us, trying to seduce us into giving it a way back. Recognise it for what it is: a liar trying to trick you.

When I really do as they suggest in Cocaine Anonymous meetings as when you have that urge that itch you wanna scratch to first and foremost "Playing the tape through to the end" and thereby not only forcing myself to think not only about the glamour and pleasure of that fix, but also the monster you become again when that high is gone!

And all the useless suffering you went through in pursuit of the high in the later stages of addiction, and in pursuit of your sobriety once you'd had enough. Yes, run the tape to the end, good advice.

Don't stress about having a craving. That would tend to make it even worse, anxiety pushes similar buttons, they feed each other. Just recognise the craving for what it is, acknowledge it, and let it pass. Wait it out. It will pass. They always do. I'd avoid any more documentaries like that. You probably decided that already. Things can be triggering a loooooong time still after getting clean, it's just the way our brains are wired now and the associations we've made. Least you've discovered another thing that triggers you, that's useful to know so you can avoid it in future, or develop effective coping strategies for when something similar hits you all unawares again, they do have a tendency to catch us by surprise very often. It gets easier as you get better at dealing with them. Always remember, just cos you're having a craving you do not have to act on it. You have the control here.

Congrats on the seven months BTW. You've demonstrated your power over this already right there. You got this.

 

[Space Firebird]

Good on you for using your cellular integrity to hold the line.
Getting high lasts a few hours and fucks you over for unknown quantities.

I see two parts, Pure Craving That Cannot Be Satisfied,
and Intelligent Reason.

PC is Id or subcortex, and IR is prefrontal cortex.

PC Grabs the Drugs, gets high, drugging IR, and IR is knocked down but not out,
sometimes for years, but eventually regaining composure and getting PC under its control
because PC is always a bit stronger, and you just can't keep a good man down,
(if this were not true we would have already died out as a race from indulgent behavior).

There is a fucking fantastic book called "The Willpower Instinct" I recommend anyone
interested in how this shit works on a physical brain level (along with tips about how to
gain willpower and wait out urges) check it out.

Also you used a key word in your title: "Thoughts."
Thoughts are imaginary, not real, and there are ways to work with them.

I think that you start by seeing that you are having them,
which you are doing, and that's good too.