armoredslug
Bluelighter
Today I have seven and a half days sober. Although I was not using excessively, I was using, in a lifetime of using, and it had to stop. I'm finally in a position where I feel like I have the closest thing to unconditional love in a partner as I will ever get, I have enough support and love to face myself. I am 36 years old and I've been high on something or other since I was 14 years old. I am neurodivergent, which creates its own challenges and caveats. I have been homeless, institutionalized, drugged to the point of zombification by unethical doctors, subjected to disturbing psycho-sexual abuses by therapists and drug counselors, gotten deathly physically ill from IV heroin, felt lonely and scared with no one to turn to, and been largely alone in all of this.
I am determined to hope. To hope for dirt and stars and love and transcendence. I am determined to find the value in every day, to wring ecstasy from former loneliness, to move beyond the confines of the prison I built for myself out of my own hair and blood and teeth and skin. It is a challenge, no doubt. I get angry, ferociously angry. I feel sad and listless. I feel scared. But I am in psychological motion, and that is enough.
I take meds, which I feel terribly conflicted about, even after all of these years. I go to individual therapy with a clinical psychiatrist. I try to eat well and balance my primarily sedentary nature with walks out in the cold, to remind myself of the world, of nature, of the earth. There IS a place for me in this world. I am beginning to see my own value. I am beginning to own my own body. I have struggled with severe self-harm since I was 14 and I've done a lot of sex work to fund my habits. I lived in a shell of shame and regret. No more. NO MORE!
I have been in the system. A lot. Not so much the prison system, but the institutions designed to protect people from themselves, which can be even more damaging than anything I'd planned for myself. I've tried to commit suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I've charged walls with my head in hospitals and been held down against my will screaming and sobbing simultaneously. I am NOT a victim. I refuse to own that identity, though I did for many years.
The time has come for me to be strong, stronger than ever. I hope that I am able to be of service to the world someday. I hope that something I say or do has some effect. I want to be a better version of this phantom that I've been for so many years. I want to live with integrity, to have ethics, to be lucid and clear. I want to retain information and make connections with concepts. I want to LIVE. I want to be a part of.
When I was using, I used BL all of the time as an information resource. I lurked and wandered. I want to thank this community for being awesome. I'm here, now, on TDS. Trying to make sense of a broken system, an untouched void. I hope that everyone who reads this and any other post today finds something of value in it. I hope that I'm not alone.
I am determined to hope. To hope for dirt and stars and love and transcendence. I am determined to find the value in every day, to wring ecstasy from former loneliness, to move beyond the confines of the prison I built for myself out of my own hair and blood and teeth and skin. It is a challenge, no doubt. I get angry, ferociously angry. I feel sad and listless. I feel scared. But I am in psychological motion, and that is enough.
I take meds, which I feel terribly conflicted about, even after all of these years. I go to individual therapy with a clinical psychiatrist. I try to eat well and balance my primarily sedentary nature with walks out in the cold, to remind myself of the world, of nature, of the earth. There IS a place for me in this world. I am beginning to see my own value. I am beginning to own my own body. I have struggled with severe self-harm since I was 14 and I've done a lot of sex work to fund my habits. I lived in a shell of shame and regret. No more. NO MORE!
I have been in the system. A lot. Not so much the prison system, but the institutions designed to protect people from themselves, which can be even more damaging than anything I'd planned for myself. I've tried to commit suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I've charged walls with my head in hospitals and been held down against my will screaming and sobbing simultaneously. I am NOT a victim. I refuse to own that identity, though I did for many years.
The time has come for me to be strong, stronger than ever. I hope that I am able to be of service to the world someday. I hope that something I say or do has some effect. I want to be a better version of this phantom that I've been for so many years. I want to live with integrity, to have ethics, to be lucid and clear. I want to retain information and make connections with concepts. I want to LIVE. I want to be a part of.
When I was using, I used BL all of the time as an information resource. I lurked and wandered. I want to thank this community for being awesome. I'm here, now, on TDS. Trying to make sense of a broken system, an untouched void. I hope that everyone who reads this and any other post today finds something of value in it. I hope that I'm not alone.
