starlightgemini
Bluelighter
why were you taken away from me so soon?
before i could even get used to the thought
of the baby i would hold in my arms
9 months from now
would you have had my blue eyes?
would you have had his dark hair?
no matter what, you'd look beautiful to us
the first couple weeks i was scared
sick with worry
every day he'd ask me how i was feeling
and every day i'd have to tell him
i was another day late
we lived in avoidance for awhile
too afraid that we'd hear the doctor say
"you are pregnant"
i thought those 3 words would be the end
of my life that i've been working to get straight
but then i heard them, and i cried
so confused and simply terrified
i looked at my boyfriend,
his head in his hands
muttering "shit" under his breath
while i sat there and cried
then we drove to his house, laid on his bed
held hands tightly, and cried together
the answer seemed so simple to him
abortion
such an easy word for HIM to say
and i knew it was the best decision for us
we're too young
we're too irresponsible
its not a good time
and a million reasons why we should end it all now
but one reason why we shouldn't
because you were inside me
it had only been a few weeks
but i simply couldn't let you go
knowing i'd spend the rest of my life
wondering
what would have happened if i brought you into this world
he said he'd support me no matter what
but i knew he didn't want you
i knew i SHOULDN'T want you
but i did
my life has been coming together
you'd give me a reason to stay on the right track
and i loved him
and he loved me
and we'd both love you more than anything
i know he was angry with me
when i said i wouldn't let you go
but i didn't think i could go through with it
he might have thought i was stupid
but i had reasons
i just couldn't put them into words
and we fought for days
screaming and crying
then saying "i love you"
over and over again
driving each other crazy
he promised me it would be ok
he promised me he'd never leave my side
we only had a few days
to get used to the idea
that our lives were changing drastically
and in 9 months they'd change even more
but it never got the chance to feel real
a few days later i woke up screaming
4:37 am
the most horrible pain i've ever experienced
i couldn't even get out of my bed
and i cried because i knew
it was over
that you were gone
taken away from me
before it even seemed like reality
you were gone
THIS ISN'T FAIR
why did this happen?
maybe it was a blessing in disguise
but i'm devastated
i lost you
and somehow i feel like its my fault
it hurts just to think about those few days
lying there, screaming and crying
not even able to think about the physical pain
i simply became numb
but mentally i was dying
and i can't stop feeling that way
i feel empty
i'll never see you
i'll never hold you
i'll never know you
i'll never stop thinking about you
i'll always love you
------
thank you for reading this
i haven't even told my boyfriend about what happened. he was on vacation when this happened to me
~kristen
[ 11 August 2002: Message edited by: starlightgemini ]
before i could even get used to the thought
of the baby i would hold in my arms
9 months from now
would you have had my blue eyes?
would you have had his dark hair?
no matter what, you'd look beautiful to us
the first couple weeks i was scared
sick with worry
every day he'd ask me how i was feeling
and every day i'd have to tell him
i was another day late
we lived in avoidance for awhile
too afraid that we'd hear the doctor say
"you are pregnant"
i thought those 3 words would be the end
of my life that i've been working to get straight
but then i heard them, and i cried
so confused and simply terrified
i looked at my boyfriend,
his head in his hands
muttering "shit" under his breath
while i sat there and cried
then we drove to his house, laid on his bed
held hands tightly, and cried together
the answer seemed so simple to him
abortion
such an easy word for HIM to say
and i knew it was the best decision for us
we're too young
we're too irresponsible
its not a good time
and a million reasons why we should end it all now
but one reason why we shouldn't
because you were inside me
it had only been a few weeks
but i simply couldn't let you go
knowing i'd spend the rest of my life
wondering
what would have happened if i brought you into this world
he said he'd support me no matter what
but i knew he didn't want you
i knew i SHOULDN'T want you
but i did
my life has been coming together
you'd give me a reason to stay on the right track
and i loved him
and he loved me
and we'd both love you more than anything
i know he was angry with me
when i said i wouldn't let you go
but i didn't think i could go through with it
he might have thought i was stupid
but i had reasons
i just couldn't put them into words
and we fought for days
screaming and crying
then saying "i love you"
over and over again
driving each other crazy
he promised me it would be ok
he promised me he'd never leave my side
we only had a few days
to get used to the idea
that our lives were changing drastically
and in 9 months they'd change even more
but it never got the chance to feel real
a few days later i woke up screaming
4:37 am
the most horrible pain i've ever experienced
i couldn't even get out of my bed
and i cried because i knew
it was over
that you were gone
taken away from me
before it even seemed like reality
you were gone
THIS ISN'T FAIR
why did this happen?
maybe it was a blessing in disguise
but i'm devastated
i lost you
and somehow i feel like its my fault
it hurts just to think about those few days
lying there, screaming and crying
not even able to think about the physical pain
i simply became numb
but mentally i was dying
and i can't stop feeling that way
i feel empty
i'll never see you
i'll never hold you
i'll never know you
i'll never stop thinking about you
i'll always love you
------
thank you for reading this
i haven't even told my boyfriend about what happened. he was on vacation when this happened to me
~kristen
[ 11 August 2002: Message edited by: starlightgemini ]
