I'll make it simple, who want to talk about suicide, let me explain...

[painenduser]

I was wondering if anyone wanted to talk to me about suicide. Not in the way of OD'ing, or putting a gun to my head or anything, but in a way where I jut let my illness take me away. top getting help, and stop looking to get on a liver transplant lit and just let my illness take me to where ever we go when we die. While I think it would be a painful and horrible way to die, I just can't keep on living where I do now, with the people I do now, the way people treat me now. I have no money to move out and find a new place to live. I have no possessions left except for my home theater system, my computers and my cat Darwin. Right now I feel like he is the only family member who actually cares about me, truly. I just don't know what to do and I think just letting my illness take my life, it surely seems like a better place to go then remain in this life I live now. I really have no life actually. My family most of the time blames me for my alcoholism and allowing it to take my health the way it has, my mother gets mad at me whenever my illness gets the best of me and I am too tired or in to much pain to do somethings around the house, like move some dumb ass furniture because she doesn't like the way the living room (which is currently my bedroom) looks so she wants to move things, which to me really has no priority but to her, since it's her house, she says that she want it done. I can't physically do it, and all she does is yell at me about it. She woke me up twice today because I told her yesterday we would go looking for a new cell phone for her today, but I slept because I was in so much pain. I got out of bed and tried to explain how much pain I was in and since she couldnt yell at me about the cell phone anymore, she rather then asking how I was feeling started at me about oh so now once again your not going to help me move the furniture. Are you fucking serious??? I am bend over in sever pain and all she knows what to do i yell at me. I can't take it anymore. This is how I live EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I get yelled at for one thing then another, she yells at my step dad for one thing or another and when she is in a bad mood because of an argument between them, then he continues to take it out on me. Noone else in my family wants anything to do with me. My sister wont talk to me, my aunt ripped me a new ass in an email I sent to her to try and make amends with her to see if we could try and work on becoming a family and again and if I pasted her reply in here, I think there isnt one person in here would not say WOW she is such a bitch. My fathers side of the family including my father have all passed away except my Aunt and little cousin from that side of the family and while they are on my side there is little they can do, they dont have the room in there house for me to live and I know they would take me in if I asked but their house is so small, there is just no room for me, plus I have no truck anymore because I am being sued by so many company's because I cant work due to needing a new liver, and there is now a levy on my truck and per the sheriffs office I can not re register the truck until my bankruptcy is done and the levy is lifted so I just canceled the insurance on it.

Point of all this is to just let you know a very small part of how my life is and it sucks. There is so much more to the story I just wouldnt know where to start not to mention the post would take hours to write and you read. At this point in time I just dont want to continue my life anymore. I am miserable, physically, and mentally. I sleep all the time because when I am awake, I live with people yelling at me all the time, and then I am told I am being inconsiderate and should be thankfull that I was allowed to live here with my parents. As my aunt said in her email to me..

"Since the time that you began living at your mother's house you have been, in my estimation, demanding, appear ungrateful and have continued to make selfish decisions that hurt others, I.e. driving under the influence of pain medication and rear ending another car. You had no regard for the life of the person that you hit or for your mother and Roger, who, I am sure, paid your legal fees."

First of all, what business is it of hers what happens between me and my parents, second of all, I never drove under the influence. She is refering to an accident I for into and they TRIED to say I was under the influence and I was charged with it because I couldnt pass the road side test because I had a broken toe from the accident of which I have the hospital paper to prove it, and I had my pain medication bottle in my jacket pocket. The courts dropped the charges because there was no evidence to say I was under the influence and I passed the breath test. I have been far from demanding, or ungreatfull, Infact, I am using my welfare benifits to pay for all the groceries that come into this house, my parents no longer pay for any groceries because I decided to pay for them as a way to say thank you to them for allowing me to live here, does that sound like someone who is ungreatful??? I am making selfish decisions? WTF is she talking about! I have nothing to make decisions about other then my health care, which I also pay for with my medicaid and what ever little charity care covers. But this is how others treat me and not just my aunt and it because they are all mad at me for being an addict, I did not ask to be an addict! Its a god damn disease and they are throwing me to the curb, mainly because they say because I am doing nothing to get better because I wont go to AA.... WHO THE FUCK CARES IM NOT GOING TO AA, AA doesn't work for me! I relapsed EVERYTIME I went to AA... I am not over 500 days sober with OUT AA!!!! I think that shows I AM doing something to keep sober and make a difference in my life, but my sobriety apparently means NOTHING to anyone but me apparently!!! It doesnt matter what I do, they dont care, my sister is more concerned about how "it makes her look like trailer trash" having me here in this house because I had to call the cops after my step dad came after me with a bat for no reason (most of you read that story and know that I did nothing to cause it, but since I warned him if he ever came after me again I would call the cops and I did! and my mother did have my back that time, but aside from that she is usually to busy yelling at me.

OK, yes I know that living with an addict is hard on everyone, not just the addict but the family a well, but this is a time where I should be able to come to my family for support and I have NONE! I get blamed for causing such an inconvenience in everyones life. I know i hard on everyone, but come on, the treatment I get around here is ridiculous! Whats funny is when I spent 2 months in the hospital over 2 years ago dying from my alcoholism, EVERYONE in my family was there for me and by my side at the hospital. Now that I am here living with them, its a whole different story, now they dont want anything to do with me, and all they keep telling me is how much of a hindrance and ungreatful I am being. They give me noone to talk to when I need to talk, but they are fine talking amongst each other ABOUT me when they need to talk. Infact, the sad reality is that the only place I get to talk about my feelings and my emotions is here, HERE ON A GAD DAMN FORUMS site! Why? Because noone in my family will allow me to talk to them when I ask to talk!, I asked my Aunt, and well as you saw the quote, that was just part of her response, my sister tells, me she doesnt want to get involved, I have asked her to talk many time, mot of the times he wont even respond to my requests the rest of the times she tells me she wont get involved (I am told it's because its to emotional for her to ee her brother dying from a disease, or rather from letting my self drink myself to death) she doesnt even understand what it is to have to live with this addiction and how I have to fight everyday to remain sober, but none the less she wont talk to me. My mother says she can't talk to me because she has noone to talk to herself (yet she goes and sees a shrink once a month, a luxury I wish I had access too, but with charity care all they let me see if a psychiatrist who doesnt talk to me but just prescribes meds and because I am not labeled an "alcoholic" I am not allowed to be on my pain meds or any sleep meds or anything because she tells me that since I have this label, I am going to get addicted to the other meds a well, regardless of the physical pain I am in she told me if I am not going to listen to her and get off the meds I need just to be able to move with out severe pain then he doesnt want to see me anymore..Great, so no mental help for me, but my mom gets it and she is becoming an alcoholic and even admitted it to me, so I cant talk to her, my step dad is a product of my mother and therefor useles to talk to. So, yeah I have noone to talk to except the forums and THANK GOD for you guys, and my Exwife, she talks to me and she has helped me more then you will ever understand, we may be divorced but she is still my best friend we just arent in love which is why we divorced and it was done very amicably.

All that said and that is still jut a tiny bit of my life, I can't continue to live my life this way, yet I am forces too. This is why I have thought long and hard about suicide, but it would be suicide by ignoring my health, I would not go back to drinking, because I promised myself I would not drink anymore, I am proud of my sobriety and will continue to do so, but I have no want to continue my life like this, and for this reason, I have not made any progress to get on the transplant list. I do not want to go through the surgery to gain more time in life if the rest of my life is going to continue the way it is. I can not continue like this. I am very unhappy, I feel hopeless, I feel VERY VERY alone, I have not been given any reason to make me want to stay alive any longer then I need to. I would not and could not "commit suicide" but just "killing myself" but I have no problem leaving things alone and let myself naturally die. Some will argue whats the difference, in the end your still killing yourself, the difference is, I can not just end it on my own, I havent the balls to do that as I am in some ways afraid to die, and I hope that thing can get better and I will find a reason to want to live longer, but right now I am not finding one.

I just want to hear from people who can relate in someway to my situation if anyone can. I ask that people who respond do not do so by saying Im a jackass or anything. In my opinion, I think I am a wonderful person, and one who deserves to be happy, but thats all fine and good, but if the people who you are closest too or should be closest too just continue to turn their backs and treat me like a leper, then all that wonderfulness, all the good I have to offer is for naught. I would love to find a reason to want to get better, and get on the list and live a wonderful happy life, but as of now, I am finding no reason to do so. I don't see any of this changing anytime soon. I see nothing then misery day after day. I wish I could have my mother read this so she can see exactly how I feel and how she makes me feel, but all that would do would make her mad and give her more reason to not only be mad at me, but then also turn this into a depression on to herself and rather then making her realize that she is making me feel the way she does, she would invert it to how she is an aweful mother, then her drinking will get worse and I dont want to be alive to see that, because then not only would I feel guilty about my choices in life making her become deeper in her depression and alcoholism and I could never live with myself with that.

So, thats all my finger can type right now, I hope that someone out there can understand and maybe give me some advise I can use. I doubt that there is much anyone can say that would make me change my mind and give me some spark to say hey I should get the transplant and try to live a happier life, because sadly there is nothing anything you guys can do that will change the conditions in which I live and that is what needs to change before I can find that peace I need but, I am willing to give it a go and see what yall can offer, or help me with my feelings, but right now, the hopelessness is just running so deep in my veins, and I dont really know where to go from here.

thanks for listening, or reading I should say. I appreciate it in advance for anything you guys can offer. If I don't get back to replying or talking to any of you before the new year then I wish you all a happy new year, and I hope that all your new years resolutions for the new year will come through for you and I hope that 2012, will bring you all much happiness and peace, and I wish you all the very very best.

Your fellow Bluelighter, Thank you.

Pain

 

[snafu]

I can talk about it, just pm me

 

[Allein]

Hey painenduser I'm no psychiatrist but I'd like to float the idea that your suicidal thoughts and your situation could be separated, you know I know I little of your terrible situation but none the less you are alive and able to breath and the the sky.

I think about Suicide all the time right down to I'm gonna do it etc etc. and |I have non of your reasons I juts feel so dark and depressed that it seems like the only option, but in many ways we are in the same boat from an imminent death pint of view. I could have a heart attack right now or find a malignant lump, or just die next time I drive my car. Please don't think I'm belittling your situation but the facts are there and can't be disputed.

To a very large extent its you that chooses to be happy or not, you don't need to react in the way that you do to the bad mouthing and disrespect that you get, although I know that's much easier said than done. You are a great person, more than that an exceptionally great person who offered me help when you'd never even met me, you didn't judge me just offered help and support, your a good man J and don't let anyone tell you any different.

The world would be a lesser place without you, hang on till you time has really come, I for one want to get to know you better don't take that chance away and I'm betting there are other people out there that would be devastated if you weren't around.

I'll drop you another message via FB later


Best Wishes

 

[Missykins]

What was your relationship with your family like in the past and when did it fall apart?

 

[Missykins]

I want to add a few things here.

Addiction ruins and destroys families. I just posted my question about your family history, but for now, I am going to assume that at one point, you
had a positive relationship with your family. Like it or not, your illness (your alcoholism) has hurt them as well. They don't have a physical ailment,
but for all practical purposes, your parents have lost the child they once knew. You have created a great deal of havoc in their lives. They have a
great deal of anger towards you. I'll ask you, is any of it justified? I don't see any acknowledgment of that in your post--just anger directed towards
your family.

You want sympathy from your family, the unconditional positive regard that all children want and need from their parents, even alcoholics that
have hurt their parents. And you really need it from them, because you have a serious illness, and they blame you for it, whey you need their love
and sympathy. You are going to have to ask for it.

Somebody has to give here, and be willing to surrender. You will have to make the first move here, and put your resentments aside, because
letting your liver disease slowly kill you is not the best idea. Besides, don't you want peace in your life? Well, peace takes work.

I know that you said AA didn't work for you but you need to find a group of people that you relate to at some level, that have experienced what
you have experienced because right now you are very isolated.

Just consider taking a different approach. They can't like like living like this, either.

 

[Allein]

I'm not so sure about the above, I understand where you are coming from but I'm going to assume the OP has tried to make peace with his family around this issue. I believe this because he is a good man and would do that.

People do not always behave in the way we want them to, we have no control over that and it may be better to just accept the way they are and the opinions they have about your situation, right or wrong.

In the end its how you react and how you feel that's important, if they want to stew in a great big bowl of resentment then maybe you just have to accept it and stop beating yourself up about it, because its not you that's doing it.

 

[Missykins]

I'm not so sure about the above, I understand where you are coming from but I'm going to assume the OP has tried to make peace with his family around this issue. I believe this because he is a good man and would do that.

People do not always behave in the way we want them to, we have no control over that and it may be better to just accept the way they are and the opinions they have about your situation, right or wrong.

In the end its how you react and how you feel that's important, if they want to stew in a great big bowl of resentment then maybe you just have to accept it and stop beating yourself up about it, because its not you that's doing it.

Maybe I'm just a little dense, but I'm not quite certain what you mean.

 

[Missykins]

OP, there is a part of you that does not want to die, at least to me, because you know that the easiest way for you to end your life would be to resume
drinking, and you're not willing to do that.

All I am suggesting with your family is that someone has to be willing to wave the white flag, and that may have to be you.

 

[Allein]

I don't want to derail Pain's thread with our discussion but what I'm saying is that I believe Pain's been waving this white flag for a long time and all its doing is brining him more pain.

Sometimes there is no door to walk out of there's just a brick wall and you have to stop walking into it and accept its a wall and not a door.

What I'm saying is maybe Pain's family don't want or are not able to offer him what he wants, if that's the case he meeds to move on and accept it, not spend the rest of his days trying to make people behave in a way they simply refuse to do.

We can only have control over the way we behave, others have the choice on the way they choose to also, sometimes we just have to accept that what we want may not be something they are able to give.

 

[painenduser]

ATM is pretty dead on. My relationship with my family prior was fair to good. We were never really a close family especially after my father passed when I was seven, and I was raised not knowing him or his family all that well. My relationship with my mother was always a good one, the rest of the family we were not "tight" but we were a family and we would get together on all the holiday and what not. I understand that having an addict in the family is devastating to everyone and not just the addict, I am by no means am I that nieve. The only point I am trying to make right now in regards to Missykins statements are that I know what happened with me has hurt the family, but at the same time I did not wake up one day and decide hey, today seems like a nice day to become an alcoholic and I want to ruin every bodies lives.Alcoholism is a disease and as such people should be a little more understanding about that. People put a stigma on you once you admit your and alcoholic and that stigma is what we are stuck living with our whole lives. I have admitted and taken full ownership of my addiction, but there is nothing I can do about the past, I can only work towards the future and try to make amends to the people that my disease has hurt, but when you try so hard to make those amends, at a time when you really need your family to be there for you and help you get through it and all they do is throw mud in your face, that is just no way to live. I am tired of trying so hard to make things up to my family and instead I get the door slammed on my fingers. The other point I feel i need to explain to you Missykins, I do not know if you are an addict or not, and if not then you obviously do not understand the pain I a the addict go threw everyday and the guilt I live with for what my addiction has done to me and my family and friends, but Alcoholism is a disease, it's not much different then someone who has any other terminal disease such as MS, or Cancer, ect. However, you don't see family's throwing mud in their faces, no you see a family who works together to give the person with diseases like that all the comfort theyy can while they try to remain as healthy as they can given their situation. So if you get what I am saying is, why is it that my disease is less of a disease then any other, and that being said why should I be cast out because I have the disease of alcoholism. I never harmed my family, I never was drunk around them, I never brought them into my life while I was actively drinking, because I didn't want to risk hurting them more by them seeing me active in my addiction, although they did have to see the horror it brought them when they saw me dying in the hospital 2.5 years ago, with the Dr's telling them that they didn't think I was going to make it out of the hospital alive, and for things like that I am trying to make amends and apologize for and that is what they are mainly upset at me about I guess. I really don't know what they are mad about, they just seem to be upset with me with the fact that I am still breathing and they are making assumptions about me because I had to move in with my parents (of which THEY asked me to move in with them) because at the time I was to sick to live by myself. It seems to me that you like most have this impression that I did things like lie, steal, cheat, disseave (sp), mistreat ect... I did none of those. Sure I never really told them when I was active that I was an alcoholic, thats all part of the disease. But I have learned from my mistakes and I am working to now and in the future correct my mistakes, and I can't do it alone. I need my family now more then ever and many of them are just not willing to accept my white flag. I have been honest with them since I was really sick, I am very humbled by the whole thing and I saw the errors in my ways. I can't apologize anymore then I already have. I can't change the past. I am desperately trying to make amends to everyone but it falls on deaf ears, so I thought that if I could, would, and did stay sober then my actions would speak louder then word of apology and it hasn't. I stay sober now for myself and for noone else. Again, if you are not an addict then you have no idea the emotional pain I have to live with every single day of my life for having been afflicted with such a horrific disease, one of which I hadn't known until I got home with my mom and she told me that most of the men in my family (other then my father) on both sides of the family were all alcoholics, so it does run in the family. And npw I am watching my mother begin to turn into an alcoholic and to watch that is the hardest thing ever since I know what it's like I have been there. I will say it again, contrary to what some may thing, addiction IS a disease. It's been proven by science that there are genes that predispose one to be an addict, of what drug, I guess in some way that may be the only choice in the addiction process that an addict may have some control over, but either way it's a disease and I don't know many if any family's that would throw another family member which some other disease has ravaged them. Like my earlier example, and I don't want to hear that they can't be compared because they sure as hell can, If I had MS, Hepatitis, Cancer or what ever, the family would come together to try to help the person all that they could to insure that they are as comfortable as they can be and would be there for them if they needed to talk all to make their last days of their life to be the best they can be, however call the disease addiction, and it's a whole different reaction. It's a reaction of disgust, anger, isolation, ect ect ect... This is the part of life I don't want to continue, I don't want to get my transplant if I have to live the rest of my life trying to be apart of my family who want no part of me, I don't want to have to sit here and explain this to people who are so ignorant when it comes to their thoughts and feelings about addicts, especially addicts who have done everything they can to straighten their lives out and try and make a difference and have remained sober through everything I am going through. Who the hell wants to live a life like that alone, in constant physical and emotional severe pain. Why do I want to live like that? And I am sorry Missy if I am sounding a little rude or aggravated with the statements you made, but the things you said make me think that you do not suffer from addiction and you like many other nieve people think that addicts are not worth the time to work with and that we owe some big debt to the world because we have the disease of addiction. It just makes me madder then hell when people think I do not realize that addiction affects everyone and not just the addict. It makes me boil with anger when people make statements like

Like it or not, your illness (your alcoholism) has hurt them as well. They don't have a physical ailment, but for all practical purposes, your parents have lost the child they once knew. You have created a great deal of havoc in their lives. They have a great deal of anger towards you. I'll ask you, is any of it justified? I don't see any acknowledgment of that in your post--just anger directed towards your family.

You have made some grave assumptions because I did not tell my entire life story and you have never read any of my earlier posts... Like it or not?? Like it or not, I KNOW FULL WELL my disease has hurt them and I never made any statements to the contrary, nor did I make any statements that would make anyone assume that I am the only victim here so to speak...My parents have lost the child they once knew, but I am also 37 years old and I havent been the child they once new for years, people change as they grow older, but as for my personality and how I treat them?? That has NOT changed, I never did anything to spite them or hurt them other then hurt myself to which I am desperately trying to make amends to them for that hurt, but at the same time, I am hurt by watching my mother follow in my footsteps and it hurts a whole lot to watch that and I blame myself for it...Oh and they do have physical ailments, but I am not sure where you were going there.... Again, I know that I along with me disease has caused great havoc in their lives, what do you think I am trying to correct with them, why do you think I am trying to make amends with them??? All you see is anger from me to my family?? Have you really even taken the time to read my initial post?? I was explaining how I am trying desperately to make amends to them, my anger is in their continued negative responses to me for doing everything I can and know how to do to make things better for the future and turn that havoc around. Since I have been living with my parents I am doing everything I can to make things up to them, by using all my wellfare money to help pay their bills since I am living in their house, there by for going some Dr's that I need to see but have no money because I am trying to lessen the burden on them, I can go on and on, but I am sorry you really struck a nerve with me because of your assumptions of things you knew nothing about, and continued to write things that suggested that I am some nieve fool for being an addict and expecting the world around me to hand me roses, but you are very sadly mistaken. I don't know if I should say anything more as ATM already said alot of it for me, and I don't want to sit and argue with you, as it makes me feel like I'm arguing with my family. I have nothing to justify here. The purpose of my post was to discus my feelings as to not wanting to get my transplant because I don't want to continue living a life surrounded my misconceptions such as the ones you stated, watching my mother turn into an addict like me, try to make amends to my family to show my regrets and try to make things right for the future, show with action of being sober for over 500 days which is something everyone (self included) wanted me to do and with my actions and some support from my friends and not my family to stay sober for that long and want to continue to stay sober, because that was more painful to me then anything else, but my sobriety seems to only have helped my be happier and my friend be happier but has done nothing to gain the respect back from my family, and continue to be outcast from my family and get no support from them. That is what the point of this post was. Not to be knocked down by someone else. I certainly didn't write this to be taken to task over these things.

ATM Thank you for your posts as you pretty much hit the nail on the head with alot of what you said, but for now, I am going to let thi ride before I say something that will get me in trouble as I have a tendency to do that in times like this, so I'll just shut up and listen for a while, and Missy no need to take my comments personally, as I would have responded the same way to anyone who came across as you did. I just wish you would have fully understood the situation and understand the disease of addiction a little better before you commented.

However my point still stands, why would I want to continue to live longer just to like in misery with nowhere else to go to get away from it all...

 

[Missykins]

First, I don't think that you're being rude. Second, I am a recovering addict so you have not said a single thing here that I have not heard or thought
before. Why else would I come to this thread?

So you've established that improving your relationship with your family is not an option. Why is it not possible for you to emancipate yourself from
them? Why is suicide your only option (vs. forming positive relationships with others, living independently, etc)? Because I agree with you, your current
situation is untenable, for all parties involved, including your cat. And you still haven't answered my question: if you're that bent on ending your life,
then why not just start drinking again?

 

[painenduser]

Good, well not good that you are a recovering addict yourself, well I mean good, I'm glad that if you are an addict then you should understand a little better and good that you are recovering and not still in its clutches, wow that was hard to figure out where the good were to go with out messing it up. Anywho There are plenty of people who are not addicts that come here, some just come due to emotional issues or other such things... Not every Bluelighter is an addict...

Rather then saying that improving the relationship is not an option, as there are always options, it's more of a case where I don't know what they want from me to improve the situation, and with my mother, we actually have a somewhat decent relationship, the problem with her is that I can not deal with her idiosyncrasies (needed spell checker for that one) of constant yelling at everyone, her constand miserableness and watching her turn into an alcohilic her self and when she drinks she turns into a complete emotionally manic, belligerent individual who noone can talk to. When I drank I was always the same person as I am not as I drank alone never in a crowd. I was not a social drinker, I drank alone and stewed on how unhappy I was and how depressed I was, and then at some point the drinks would make everything seem to go away, it was my security blanket so to speak, not like my mother who turns down right evil in her words and actions and then doesnt remember it the net day, watching her slowly killing herself is killing me... As for emancipation, I do not see how that could come into place as I am 37 years old, I own a house (well its in forclosure because I am disabled and cant work anymore, my understanding was that emancipation was for teenagers who want out of their parent guardianship. So I can't see how that would be fitting here, plus, I have no money which means I have no where to go as explained in my first message. I was asked to move in here by my parents after I did survive when everyone was told I wouldn't because I was too sick still to live by myself in my house and it was inforclosure anyway... So I have no where to go other then here, and for that I am thankful they gave me a place to stay, I was in such bad shape and so damn yellow because my liver and kidney's had completely shut down. So where was I togo. But there are other reasons that I cant leave and that is because I am afraid to live alone again because that is when I drank, ALWAYS alone... and I didnt want to risk as the next drink could probably kill me...Suicide is not the only option, but its the only one that solves everyones problems right now, while some call it the cowards way out, well it very well might be, but I am so miserable and I get so down sometimes that I have no interest in waking up anymore sometimes.... I have plenty of positive friendly relationships with many friends, but I cant move in with any of them, 1 because they have no room, 2 some of my freinds party too much for me. I look for the day I can be free, but I know me and being alone is just a relapse waiting to happen. Ok to answer your big question, if I am bent on ending my life why not just start drinking again. Pride. I made myself and my mother a promise, and one thing I dont do is break a promise. My word i my word. That promise will not be broken, not by mel. Look, I came this far not drinking, and the last thing I want to do is deal with drinking again. Its not even an option. I also never said that suicide is what Im going to do, I never said or put a date on it or anything. I am actually to afraid to "kill" myself, so the easiest for me would to just die naturally, not to mention the chances of me getting a transplant as are slim anyway. look the bottom line of this thread are to discuss my situation and what I can do. I am not hell bent on doing myself in, the idea of this thread was for me to air something out that have been brewing in my head and this is the one idea that comes up over and over too me. Again, I have never said I am going to do it. I just needed a place to talk aout how Im feeling where life life is headed and how lonely and hopeless I feel, again, you are making assumptions because Not one did I say I WANT to commit suicide, I said I had been thinking about it, heres how and heres why. I am quite sure you can understand this, but these feelings are really and needed to be let out of the bo so I could get feed back good and bad. I have no where else to vent it and there are always great people here who do not judge and really listen and offer suggestions. Thats all, nothing more nothing less.

 

[Allein]

@misykins....What do you actually mean in practical terms by "Why is it not possible for you to emancipate yourself from them?" the word Emancipate could be construed in many ways. What actual situation do you see as being am improved possibility?

I don't think Pain is in anyway talking about committing a single act that would lead to his death, just giving up his struggle to stay alive, more like self euthanasia.

 

[panic in paradise]

i myself statistically, and by the word of medical professionals, have my fate as according to their speculation, of the most likely cause of my natural expiration in mind.

but mine is much different then your situation painenduser. im going against loosely established stats, and not wanting to risk any more sickness from the companies i pay to help me...


all of our situations though, everyones come down to the same thing i feel, and this is what you can forgive and forget for, to the extent that, while in recollect there is the memory, but the association is one where there is a contentedness. any situation we are presented with, is a chance to either become attached to the present, to step back with the past, or to look forward to the future with - sounds to me like you and they too have a few things in the past, which are making your present that much more difficult, and the future that much more un-clear.

it seems fairly natural, to react to a situation like yours, where your future totally changes in what seems like an instant, to not put much faith into hope for the future, period. but thats not so, why risk the chance of so much disappointment again, because i doubt you would do anything much different in your past, besides the negative things that have gotten you in this place you are presently. you can maybe begin to mend your current situation, health and all for you and your family, by accepting the unwillingness they have to understand your pain, because of their personal association with its origin, your self neglect.

so maybe you see the way i am drawing these distinctions, from what i can understand of your situation from here, and how much your past has effected the present for all, including your health and how your pleas are felt so ignored.


in part, the poor choices you made in the past have had a large effect on you and your families current situation...imagine how much of an effect beneficial choices can start having today, for all of your tomorrow.

 

[Allein]

^^^^

Beautiful words, it took me a couple of read`throughs to see where you wrer comming from but none the less much wisdom is in that post. :D

 

[painenduser]

Panic in paradiise, I could not have said it more eloquently myself. You words are dead on. /so the question I hae for you, is, how/what do I do to move on? Just be accepting of the fact that things are what they are and try not to let it get the best for me? I think ATM said it for me in a better way, I really don't want to commit suicide but perhaps self euthanasia was the better choice of words. And perhaps my reasons for wanting this may be for a reason somewhat, different from what I was saying? I am not sure, but you all have made me do alot of thinking lately and maybe I just need to forget these people in my life and continue to work on myself and the good that I have done. Maybe I am more "feeling sorry for myself" I dont need the people in my life that are not going to help me. I have proven that I can do it on my own, with out them. I have plenty of friends although granted they are mostly online, and I know I will never find love again, but hey thas why god introduced us men to Rosey Palm lmao!

Yeah I mean I dont want to die, but I don't want to live around all of this negativity and toxicity that oozes out of ever crack of the foundation of where I live, it would turn any addict to relapse, so if would not be myself committing the act but rather it's like self euthanasia buy not getting the transplant and letting myself just simply die via natural progress ion of my liver disease . I dont want to have to have these feelings at all, but I suppose I have to realize that I can not change anything in the way my family is treating me and that it is what it is. I don't know, I haven'y even said whether or nor I am going to do this it's just something that has been swirling in my head and I wanted and felt the need to share my feelings about it all here.

 

[panic in paradise]

You dont want to die because of the personal reasons you have, which are here to help you move on.


Over coming this massive struggle in new ways which you now must accept, will bring far greater joy, thats inevitable.





_____________

&
It does mean a lot to me that I was able to make some sense to you,
hopefully expressing what you have has been helpful.
Maybe, keep being daring and sharing,
accepting and caring.
lol

 

[painenduser]

Quite poetic It'd given me a different out look on life and the things that are occurring in it. The one thing that I can not over come though is the resentments of which have grown stronger since I have done everything asked of me to remain sober and keep my promises, but yet they have done nothing to show that they give a damn that I have done said things. I suppose I just need to say "F" them and live my life for me, and only for me, and not worry about meeting anyone's expectations but my own. Of course it will be difficult and I will struggle as I will want the satisfaction that my family is proud of what I have been able to do and over come, after all it's a natural feeling to want the love and respect from ones own family. I guess it's time for me to find a new family :D

 

[bliz62]

Pain, I just wanted to respond that I'm sorry your family is treating you that way. As the child of an addict who became an addict....man, I feel your pain. I definitely agree that you need to find a new family. Some of the best family I have isn't blood. Are there any other groups near your for recovering addicts, not just the AA/NA ones? I know it sounds redundant, but the internet can be a wonderful tool to meet like minded people; you could find some very good friends, companions, and/or allies through a group that had recovering addicts. I know I've found some good people that way...

Second, with your pain so severe, is moving out an option? It seems like you are in too much pain to be on your own or work, if that's not correct then maybe your state has govt assistance for that sort of thing...just grasping here, trying to find a good way to make you feel better about your situation.
I hope you can see through the replies here that you are valued HERE, if not at your current residence. Hopefully you can keep working towards being happy.

 

[painenduser]

Thanks Bliz, and yes you have hit on a couple points I'd like to comment upon, but first I would like to just say one general thing and I am not by any means making excuses for my family, but one must often look at the full truth with I tend to not due at times there by causing myself more pain. The thing is I can't really blame all of my family for how they are reacting. Some of the members of my family, absolutely are just evil and I will never give them any reason even for their existence however, my sister, in my best guestimation is the way she is because she is scared. She is afraid to lose her brother the way she lost our father. My father passed away at 33 years old from a brain aneurysm which burst before they could even attempt the surgery which alone may have killed him due to where it was in the middle of the brain so her situation is that she is the way she is for self preservation so I can't say that it's all her fault. Although she IS seeing a LCSW which is great, she is the only one other then my mother who has sought help. My mother comes from a very abusive family and she too has many mental issues but even with all her past issues she does always put me first, she just doesn't always come across that way. She wants me living here because she knows I can not live alone and she updated her will so that if anything happens to her, I will always have a place here to live even if I can not afford it, no one in my family can through me out. So even with her downfall to becoming an alcoholic herself and her verbal abuse of me at times, she does in the long run care about me and she has told me many times that I am her favorite child and the one that she tried so desperately to have, and I don't know how fair to my sister that is or if she even knows that but deep down when my mother is not in her mania she does treat me and she does listen to what I have to say and you can tell that the love is there, she just shows it in the wrong ways at times. Now none of this helps my current situation. But now I would like to comment on a few things you brought up because you are very correct and you have made me feel better and I thank you very much for it..

I definitely agree that you need to find a new family. Some of the best family I have isn't blood. Are there any other groups near your for recovering addicts, not just the AA/NA ones? I know it sounds redundant, but the internet can be a wonderful tool to meet like minded people; you could find some very good friends, companions, and/or allies through a group that had recovering addicts. I know I've found some good people that way...

You are correct some of the best family is not blood relation however, I have no found any groups near me that are not AA/NA. There are plenty of those around (AA/NA) but as I mentioned I refuse to go to them due to my past history of repeated failure with AA/NA and right now, regardless of how I expire, it will not be from relapsing. My life as an addict was more miserable then it is now and has ever been so my alcoholism days are over. What you are saying is not redundant so don't worry about that, I understood what you were saying. I have found some wonderful people online that are very like minded for example the people here at Blue. With the exception of a few people here that I have had some crossings with, for the most part I have met some really wonderful people here that I can truly call my friends. There are some of the people here that I now speak to outside of these forums that I have met here who have helped me get through alot, and of whom I am hoping to be able to repay the kindness they have shown me. People that I can not call my friends.

Second, with your pain so severe, is moving out an option? It seems like you are in too much pain to be on your own or work, if that's not correct then maybe your state has govt assistance for that sort of thing...just grasping here, trying to find a good way to make you feel better about your situation.

Sadly, my physical pain and my fear of relapsing means that I have to live with someone, I can not live on my own. I do own my own house but it is currently under foreclosure and I am currently trying to file for bankruptcy but I haven't the money to do so, and I thought that there was legal aid for that but as it turns out the legal aid is just working with a paralegal who will help you file on your own and that scares me.

I haven't any family members other then where I am at now that have the room and or the means to take me in, and the others like my aunt just want nothing to do with me at all.

I looked into state or some kind of gov't housing and because I am a single male with no children, the only thing I qualify for is a homeless shelter. I can not live in a homeless shelter. I would rather live here with my parents then a shelter. Although living here with my parents is extremely toxic for me, I do know deep down in my mother and step dads hearts they do want the best for me, but when they can barely take care of themselves it's very hard for them to offer me the care I need and that turns into the toxicity you read in my original post. I mean I know they don't wish the anguish they are putting me through, I can't imagine any mother who would intentionally do that to their child although I know some do, it's in the news all the time, but I know my mother loves me and doesn't want things to be the way they are, but her depression has turned her against herself and in her trying to make things the best they can for me, she in fact is causing herself to lose control and that is where it's turning horrific for all. It's sad because I know deep down that I (my disease) has caused this and I feel more guilt then anger towards my mother. I know my mother very well, and she does love me but her attempts to help me have multiplied the problems as she doesn't do anything to help herself really and it's making this worse for all. As much as it seems like I am bashing my mother I am really not, my guilt factor is so high it is causing me not to want to live through this anymore. But I digress, there is nothing in this state for anyone in my situation I have looked into it. And I have nowhere I can go.

I hope you can see through the replies here that you are valued HERE, if not at your current residence. Hopefully you can keep working towards being happy.

I can see that I am valued here by some and it is a wonderful feeling when some of the voids in my heart and my mind are filled with the feelings that people do care about me even though I don't know you guys personally, but to have people like yourself and ATM stick up for me and say the wonderful things as you do it does give me some hope that there is reason for me to stay around in this life longer and perhaps the reason I have over come alot of what I have is because I haven't yet fulfilled my duties in this life. I believe that there is a reason for everything and that everyone has a reason they are in this life, and perhaps I have still yet to fulfill my reasoning's for being here.

I have to thank you all for saying such nice things about someone that you all don't know personally. Any you were dead on when you said

the internet can be a wonderful tool to meet like minded people; you could find some very good friends, companions, and/or allies

This is very very true. I am a member of a gaming squad and I have been a member since 2008 and these guys have become like my second family and mean the world to me. In fact when I first became ill and was dying 2.5 years ago, some of the guys and gals from the squad called me every other day while in the hospital to see how I was doing and sent me all kinds of get well cards ect and some of these guys lived across the pond in England and Holland. When I came out of the hospital and over the last 2 years the guys have all put some money together and donated to me the last couple games that we as a squad were playing so I could keep on gaming with them. Just last week an ex member of the squad who I have stayed friends with has just done the same thing for me with the newest game we are playing because he knows I am still on welfare and can not afford it and he is no longer even on the squad with us, but this kind of kindness is just not usually seen anymore. To have people that I have never met face to face and only know from the internet and to treat me like family has meant the world to me, and the more I think of it the more I realize that if anything, I owe it to all of you who have taken me in a family / friend to continue my life for as long as I can. I am beginning to think that giving up on life would be a selfish thing to do, and even if I don't want to retain this life for me, I should do it for those who care about me. It's starting to make a bit more sense now.

Thank you to all that have responded so positively to me. It has really made a difference in me. I don't know how to thank you all for the inspiration to keep on, but to say thank you, and I guess the best way to thank you is to just do it and do what I can to keep what I have, and to make sure I talk to people when I have these thoughts and make sure I stay grounded.

All my best! Thanks!

Pain