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Recovery If you think staying clean and sorber is easy, go get some!!

I'm glad to hear you are making a change and have the will to do so.

Opiates are a depressant, meaning they will depress your heart rate and breathing patterns. I am not a doctor, but this maybe why you are feeling it hard to breath and coughing more as you are no longer seeing the effects of opiates on your breathing pattern.

Have you openly discussed your addiction problems with your doctor? He may have some insight on what can help.

I wish you luck and hope you stay off opiates.
 
Sunrise-

If you're a loser then Im a loser. And Im not a loser. I sure have done my fair share of dumb things but I have the heart of a champion and so do you!!

If you asked my daughter about me- she'd smile-and go on to tell you animated, funny stories about me. On a more serious note, she'd tell you of really difficult, sad times we've gone through. But, she wouldn't say I was a loser. She'd say the opposite.

This is a process- if it takes me 2 mos to get back to where I want to go- Im fine w that. Im trying to figure out how to get there right now. Im looking into different routes that may help.

The most important thing is you don't want to stay where you are. It took a long time for me to even care or want to change. So that's huge that you're heart is now there.

Im reading alot about Kratom as a comfort med -and I plan to ask my friends here on BL that have had experience w it.

Today is a new day-give your kids a hug and a kiss. And put one foot in front of the other. We wil figure this out. I would give you a huge hug. Much love and positive vibes to you Sunrise.
 
And put one foot in front of the other. We will figure this out. I would give you a huge hug. Much love and positive vibes to you Sunrise.[/QUOTE]

Back from the death, or almost. Ive been quiet cause I feel ashamed. Its tough as if Ill never be free. I am so ashamed of what Ive done...but I have to tell. I was so into stopping for good. I tried so hard...And then Ive done the worst of all...20 years ago I was a junky. I used to shoot c and h and sometimes speedball. Oufff. Just writing this down its making me so nervous. I was always alone in this. Never had friends doing drugs, or that kind of drugs. Anyhow. A couple of days ago I tried IV...I knew better then to go back down that road...I don't know what to do. Where to start...Im helpless. Coming back over here everyday its whats making me feel less alone. I thank you all, ven if I don't know you guys at all. I thank you so very much. 10yearsgone! Big hug. P0kemama, loads of good toughts and vibes. TPD, put a smile on my face?! Sixxam, reading your story is helping me going by each days. Simco, thanks so much for asking how Im doing. VE, I know that you know the feeling, thanks for your words. Beeing sober its fucking hard...and I made something that I tought I would never ever do again. Is there a way back? I do no know...
 
Hi, Sunrise. I'm so glad you wrote about what's going on. I know it's hard to do, but I think the honesty will help you in the long run.

FWIW, we've all been there. I don't know anyone recovering from heroin addiction who hasn't relapsed as they've tried to step out from the shadow of the drugs. The last time I relapsed, I felt so alone. It was tough digging out from that one. But I did it. Will it happen to me again? Impossible to say. I'll try to follow your example and speak up if it does.

Also, your habit sounds similar to mine...I almost never used with other people. I told myself I'd never inject drugs. But then I did exactly that. Mostly heroin, but also coke and speedballs. Lots of us here have similar experiences. You're among friends here! You're NOT alone.

In terms of getting out, it sounds like you've been shooting for just a few days. Have you been using again longer than that? I ask because a relapse of only several days should at least make the physical part of stopping less painful than a longer run would. But in any case, if stopping altogether seems impossible, maybe you could try at least to quit the needles? Injecting will increase your tolerance and your dependency more quickly than other methods.

Or are you hoping to put the whole thing behind you ASAP?
 
Sunriseoversea said:
Back from the death, or almost. Ive been quiet cause I feel ashamed. Its tough as if Ill never be free. I am so ashamed of what Ive done...but I have to tell. I was so into stopping for good. I tried so hard...And then Ive done the worst of all...20 years ago I was a junky. I used to shoot c and h and sometimes speedball. Oufff. Just writing this down its making me so nervous. I was always alone in this. Never had friends doing drugs, or that kind of drugs. Anyhow. A couple of days ago I tried IV...I knew better then to go back down that road...I don't know what to do. Where to start...Im helpless. Coming back over here everyday its whats making me feel less alone. I thank you all, ven if I don't know you guys at all. I thank you so very much. 10yearsgone! Big hug. P0kemama, loads of good toughts and vibes. TPD, put a smile on my face?! Sixxam, reading your story is helping me going by each days. Simco, thanks so much for asking how Im doing. VE, I know that you know the feeling, thanks for your words. Beeing sober its fucking hard...and I made something that I tought I would never ever do again. Is there a way back? I do no know...
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I am sorry you have been suffering so. I want to explicitly state that although I know the feelings of shame and self hatred you express so clearly, you in fact have nothing to be ashamed of. You used, and you feel you let yourself down doing so. This is significant for you, and I'm not about to tell you to try and deny this fact. That said, in the bigger picture, you experience using, your experience of this shame and guilt and sense of losing sight of your goals, you can make this experience into WHATEVER you want it to be.

Try and not be so hard on yourself. You haven't failed, you've just gained some more field experience ;) You have nothing to be ashamed about of feel guilty for - you may feel you let yourself down, but his is just a bump in the road. One way or another, you will create your own relationship to the experience: it can become a little crack in the pavement you are able to gracefully move past, a deep pothole where you sprain your ankle or a bottomless pit that trapped you in darkness for a long time depending on how you work with it. You have total agency in this situation, you are capable of making it anything you need it to become. It's just a matter of time.

One thing I will say is about shame: one of my teachers like to describe shame as the most useless emotion - a surefire way to accomplish nothing. Try to work on being kinder to yourself. Surrounding yourself with loving people and things that make it easier to feel love. Work on becoming more patient, because it is just a matter of time till you feel better (and then it will be just a matter of time until another difficult experience; for now work on laying the seeds and cultivate a kinder attitude towards yourself, one you are feeling better in time you can start preparing for any difficult days to come).

Don't get ahead of yourself for now. This isn't an all or nothing adventure. Work on engaging in healthier, more ethical/non-harming behavior. That will go a long way to giving you more space to experience positive emotions, cultivate joy and a sense of belonging. It's so much easier to be happier when we don't feel bad about the little things we sometimes fall into the habit of doing sometimes, like engaging in practices of unwise consumption disrespects out mind-bodies or how being unwise with our speech causing harm others and ourselves (engaging in angry speech, deceiving others or beating ourselves over our mistakes). There is so much less stress and more room for positive, less isolated and more connected, loving states.

Don't rush yourself, but takes steps to start taking more skillful care of your mind and body today (remember: the little things).
 
toothpastedog said:
One thing I will say is about shame: one of my teachers like to describe shame as the most useless emotion - a surefire way to accomplish nothing. Try to work on being kinder to yourself. Surrounding yourself with loving people and things that make it easier to feel love. Work on becoming more patient, because it is just a matter of time till you feel better (and then it will be just a matter of time until another difficult experience; for now work on laying the seeds and cultivate a kinder attitude towards yourself, one you are feeling better in time you can start preparing for any difficult days to come).

Don't get ahead of yourself for now. This isn't an all or nothing adventure.

Don't rush yourself, but takes steps to start taking more skillful care of your mind and body today (remember: the little things).
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TPD's whole post is fantastic but I wanted to also address that old human bugaboo: shame. One surefire way to retrain your mind not to buy into this destructiveness is to pretend you are a friend, or better yet, a parent standing off to the side watching your kid struggle with something very difficult. Would you ever call your kid a loser or a failure? Would your first impulse be to completely give up on your kid? Quite the opposite you would probably want to bolster your child's self-confidence and offer encouragement and support in the form of faith (in his/her abilities and grit). You would probably try to point out a valuable lesson that could not have been learned without the "failure"--thus transforming the whole concept from one of despair and fatalism to one of opportunity. So if you can change just your language to reflect the disappointment you feel (authentic and useful) rather than the judgment that follows ("I'm a loser and failure") you are actually on the path to a healthier relationship with yourself--and that goes way beyond addiction/drug dependence.<3
 
Praying like crazy for you. (First EVER post on BL) &#55357;&#56842; God bless you and keep you. May you find joy for the life of recovery.
 
Sunrise where are you?? I sure could use talking to you.

I'm starting day 8 of not using dope. Omg this week sucked lol. I was losing it. Im taking it one day at a time. Im having strong cravings. For a hot second I considered calling my supplier.

Im going through a horrible time and have been-which contributed to. my month long heroin binge. My daughter-my precious daughter-is shooting meth. She is tight in the grip of it. I buckled under the stress. I am having trouble coping. I feel like getting a bundle and checking out.

Im also under pressure of starting a business- working details out w investors that are putting lots of money into it. Im scared Im going to fail. And working w lawyers-having all the contracts drawn up. I am so scared Sunrise.

But- Im going to feel the fear and do it anyway. Who knows? Maybe if I allow myself to succeed- I will.

Im thinking of you and hopping you'll check in <3
 
10YearsGone said:
Sunrise where are you?? I sure could use talking to you.

I'm starting day 8 of not using dope. Omg this week sucked lol. I was losing it. Im taking it one day at a time. Im having strong cravings. For a hot second I considered calling my supplier.

Im going through a horrible time and have been-which contributed to. my month long heroin binge. My daughter-my precious daughter-is shooting meth. She is tight in the grip of it. I buckled under the stress. I am having trouble coping. I feel like getting a bundle and checking out.

Im also under pressure of starting a business- working details out w investors that are putting lots of money into it. Im scared Im going to fail. And working w lawyers-having all the contracts drawn up. I am so scared Sunrise.

But- Im going to feel the fear and do it anyway. Who knows? Maybe if I allow myself to succeed- I will.

Im thinking of you and hopping you'll check in

Hi again...don't know waht happened but my message didnt work...Im here 10years...I tend to withdraw a lot when Im not good with myself. Im really sorry to know about your daughter, can't beggin to imagine how you feel...well maybe a bit cause Im also a mom. How are you? Whats up with you and you decision of getting clean? Me? well Im in a 36 hours CT, again..and I'm lossing it big time. Sending good toughts your way 10years!
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simco said:
Hey, Martin. Thanks for speaking so honestly. I think I can relate. I'm in my mid-40s and have been hanging around NA for about two years (obviously nowhere near as long as you, but I'm not exactly a newcomer either.) Assuming I don't fuck things up, I'll have 90 days abstinent from heroin this week--by far the longest I've strung together for many years. But I do seem to be on a merry-go-round of cleaning up for a few weeks and then relapsing. Meanwhile, all kinds of folks in my meetings just rack up time. It does make me feel like a fuckup.

But that's not true. I do believe the NA cliche that there's no shame in relapsing; we just gotta dust ourselves off afterward and keep coming back.

<3
Sim
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I know it sounds kinda cliche, just keep trying. The worst thing to do is just say 'fuck it' after a relapse. Sometimes a relapse was what I needed to shock me out of my apathy and double down on my program. Just my experience strength and hope. Good luck OP, keep us updated on how you're doing
 
Hey, FWIW, I'm at about 5 1/2 months clean now. Weird to see my own post from 90 days abstinent. So yes, relapses happen. But if you keep trying, things will probably get better. Or, maybe it's the opposite that's true: if we trying, we are very unlikely to get better :\
 
simco said:
Hey, FWIW, I'm at about 5 1/2 months clean now. Weird to see my own post from 90 days abstinent. So yes, relapses happen. But if you keep trying, things will probably get better. Or, maybe it's the opposite that's true: if we trying, we are very unlikely to get better :\
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5.5 months is awesome!
 
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