Recovery If you think staying clean and sorber is easy, go get some!!

[martinbr]

I have going to meetings since I was a kid. Started at 26 years old thru a 90 day program. Got some clean and sober time, 4 1/2 years and relapsed on drugs. And the journey goes on. I have had four major relapses. All have been started by the gateway of drugs. One led to drinking which lead me to drinking in which really did a number on me. I have yet to get five years together. I go to meetings on a regular basis, bot NA and AA, and now I am getting older at 65 yrs old. It's really kind of embarrassing to tell you the truth. I have seen people that have stuck and stayed and reap the benefits of staying clean. I am 90 days off Suboxone this time and feel really lousy. I feel like the the walking dead! I am overweight and working on that in the gym. I just have to keep on trucking and keep on the narrow for awhile. I know I will feel better eventually, but still not getting any sleep. My doctor has me on prednisone and some steroid inhalers for my Asthma or COPD. Now, I feel like I am on speed! I don't know which one I have, but since I stopped using opiads, I have developed the worse cough of my life. I feel like I have a 900 pound elephant on my chest. Just a really dry low in the chest cough. Went thru the same thing 10 yrs ago when I went thru a 28 day program.

So here I am again. I know without a doubt that I cannot tolerate any mind altering drugs in any form. Told my doctor that I DO NOT want anything that effects my brain anymore. I know the thing that would stop this cough in it's tracks is, cough syrup and codeine. But I won't go there. I have come this far and I don't want to start all over again. The funny thing is being addicted to opiads for the past 20+ yrs, it suppressed a under lying condition of pulmonary Disease. I am hoping this is going to subside in time. I hope.....martinbr

 

[simco]

Hey, Martin. Thanks for speaking so honestly. I think I can relate. I'm in my mid-40s and have been hanging around NA for about two years (obviously nowhere near as long as you, but I'm not exactly a newcomer either.) Assuming I don't fuck things up, I'll have 90 days abstinent from heroin this week--by far the longest I've strung together for many years. But I do seem to be on a merry-go-round of cleaning up for a few weeks and then relapsing. Meanwhile, all kinds of folks in my meetings just rack up time. It does make me feel like a fuckup.

But that's not true. I do believe the NA cliche that there's no shame in relapsing; we just gotta dust ourselves off afterward and keep coming back.


Sim

 

[Sixxam]

Hey Martin,

Man, good on you for fighting the good fight! This crap ain't easy. And you're never too old/young to retain control of your life.

I'm on my fourth real attempt to quit using opiotes. I hope it's my last. Today is day 18/19 for me. Wow..... 18 days ago I spent $200 a day, every single day on dope.

Here's to better days, brother.

Cheers

Sixx

 

[martinbr]

Hey Martin,

Man, good on you for fighting the good fight! This crap ain't easy. And you're never too old/young to retain control of your life.

I'm on my fourth real attempt to quit using opiotes. I hope it's my last. Today is day 18/19 for me. Wow..... 18 days ago I spent $200 a day, every single day on dope.

Here's to better days, brother.

Cheers

Sixx

Good for you. I know it's frustrating. But without a doubt I know there cannot be any reservations at in the first step. I also know that i have to be a advocate now with whatever doctors prescribe for me. I have health problems so I have to take certain medicines. But I have to go online and find out exactly this drug is going to do to me before I put it in my mouth. Good luck to you. It does work. I have just have had a lot of stumbling blocks. martinbr

 

[martinbr]

Hey Martin,

Man, good on you for fighting the good fight! This crap ain't easy. And you're never too old/young to retain control of your life.

I'm on my fourth real attempt to quit using opiotes. I hope it's my last. Today is day 18/19 for me. Wow..... 18 days ago I spent $200 a day, every single day on dope.

Here's to better days, brother.

Cheers

Sixx

Yeah, it gets expensive. The last herion run I went on I sold my drums that I had for forty years and most of the stuff in my house because I was getting evicted for not paying rent. Every time I would get the rent, I would justify it some how and would go for dope. I literally had a fire sale. Very Sad. Good luck to you Sixx....

 

[Stargazer]

Martin- you are awesome. I had about a year and a half clean from heroin- I started doing some a couple times a month-then this past month (like duh its a real shocker) I went apeshit and went on a hard 3wk run. Its been 4 days and the cravings are so bad that I break down crying- and I don't cry often. Ive had an opiate habit for about 14-15 years. Not all heroin- I have chronic pain. I admire you-this stuff isnt easy by any stretch of the imagination.

 

[Sunriseoversea]

10yearsgoneby, we are at the same spot day, day 4...I feel like im dying and just want to killl myself. Just jump from an oxy habit of 250mgs/day and sometimes more. We have to keep on going. Do you use any comfort meds at all? I just want a pill, feel like asking my husband for the pills I gave him on sunday. Can't bare the physical pain anymore...To know your at day 4 helps me a lot too. Keep up the good work girl!!

And Martin, youve got this man, you know yourself good now, well its seems like it. Going to the gym and taking care of you is essential! Im pround of you! Keep safe!

 

[simco]

Martin- you are awesome. I had about a year and a half clean from heroin- I started doing some a couple times a month-then this past month (like duh its a real shocker) I went apeshit and went on a hard 3wk run. Its been 4 days and the cravings are so bad that I break down crying- and I don't cry often. Ive had an opiate habit for about 14-15 years. Not all heroin- I have chronic pain. I admire you-this stuff isnt easy by any stretch of the imagination.

Yeah, 10Years...the cravings are brutal. I battle them every day. But I do find that talking/writing about them helps. I hope it helps for you too!

 

[Stargazer]

Sunrise- I feel like shit. Im covered in sweat, nose running- cravings through the roof -all of it. Im taking some tramadol-Lyrica helps me alot but Im unable to get it right now. I have gabapentin but I take it everyday- so I don't feel ant noticeable relief from it. Uuugghh. Im glad I can help you in some way. It will pass...it will.

Thanks Sim. Hope you're doing well at work and all-around.

 

[Sunriseoversea]

Sunrise- I feel like shit. Im covered in sweat, nose running- cravings through the roof -all of it. Im taking some tramadol-Lyrica helps me alot but Im unable to get it right now. I have gabapentin but I take it everyday- so I don't feel ant noticeable relief from it. Uuugghh. Im glad I can help you in some way. It will pass...it will.

Thanks Sim. Hope you're doing well at work and all-around.

10years, dont you have clonodine? It was a god send for me.no runy nose no sweating. If you can, use it. Im back a -0. I gave in...so fucking stupid...

 

[simco]

@10Years...thanks, I've been doing OK. Thinking good thoughts for you!

 

[Stargazer]

I don't have classes clonidine. Im in a really shit mood. Gave in and did a bag yesterday. On the bright side- I lost my connection. He went away for awhile. Since I am making no progress by trying to get inpatient by phone. Im just going ti walk into one tomorrow. I am really struggling. Thanks for all the support everyone.

 

[cj]

I don't have classes clonidine. Im in a really shit mood. Gave in and did a bag yesterday. On the bright side- I lost my connection. He went away for awhile. Since I am making no progress by trying to get inpatient by phone. Im just going ti walk into one tomorrow. I am really struggling. Thanks for all the support everyone.

That's not a bad idea. It sucks how hard it is to get treatment when you don't have a couple grand in cash to throw at them. Its all bout money like everything else in America.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey CJ!! I feel like I know you from following your benzo w/d thread. My heart was hurting for you- I didn't comment because Ive been feeling like a fraud and deeply ashamed - due to the fact I started fucking around w dope again. Then lost my ever-loving mind this past month. I tried to cop today- but as I said my connection is gone. I had a sub strip lying around from awhile ago and took it, as well as some 10mg valium.

Something you mentioned in your thread is how brutal gabapentin withdrawal is Yesssss!!! It seems alot of ppl don't understand that. Lyrica withdrawal is also B-R-U-T-A-L- being it is the sister of gabapentin. I describe it as concentrated neurontin. (Did you know that Lyrica is the name of the inventor's daughter? Fun fact lol).

I have been through w/d from almost every drug. For me, Lyrica and Neurontin are the worst...yes worse than w/d from a bundle and a half a day dope habit w/d. It mimics opiate w/d i.e. Cold sweats...hot and cold flashes, restlessness, restless legs, insomnia, vomiting...anxiety. Now this is where, for me, it makes it the worst. The anxiety is through the ceiling without even one second of relief.

When you described how you felt in your bed....I knew exactly what you were feeling. No amount of reasoning, logic, etc helps. Not even benzos touch it. It truly feels like you're losing your mind...for good.

Sorry I got off topic- yesterday about 20mins after I did that bag-I received a call from my counselor at my rehab I went to. God bless this woman- she snuck hair color into rehab for me when I was there, and cutting shears so I could cut a patients hair ( Im a stylist)- anyway she wanted to know how I was and if I was able to find help w funding. I told her I used....and no noone helped....and told me to call back if I was still alive in 6mos. Good times. Not one of the most encouraging Ive had to date.

She said "you're just going to have to walk in one of these places. She said we're packed right now, but we have some discharges on Saturday and Sunday-DO NOT REPEAT this to anyone." Which I wouldn't in a million years. It wont be hard to convince these ppl I have a problem - my urine and tracks will do the talking.

I personally need to go inpatient. I need a refresher course on how to live without heroin being my main goal in life. Despite my relapse- this is progress. Going inpatient??!! For help??? I wouldn't even have considered it 2yrs ago. I am disappointed and disillusioned. Though Neurontin helps tremendously for my anxiety and panic attacks-which, asidebfrom chronic pain,

 

[Stargazer]

(Ooops hit send by accident) Page 2

is largely why I abused my meds and moved on to IV heroin- obviously theres more to my addiction than I realized. Now, its time to get a good and effective support system in place. And to actively work on recovery- its a verb not just some adjective. Im discouraged because I was so happy this time last year. I guess, as a friend told me that had 5yrs sober regarding sobriety "It gets real good, then it gets real" Im all about real-so maybe I'll be ok. I love the hellf out of all of you BL'rs-for your candor, courage and compassion. Your posts bring me comfort and give me hope. Thankyou

 

[cj]

This is a popular time to go to rehab new years resolutions and all that jazz so I don't doubt they are packed. I hope your able to find the help you need. If you can't get into rehab right now I recommend getting a sub script as a stop gap measure to keep you off the dope while you wait for a bed. I'm a heroin addict myself so I know that just quitting while you wait for a bed is laughable

 

[Jabberwocky]

cj is spot on as per his modus operandi 10Years, have you considered something like maintenance? You'd make an ideal candidate, though a period of inpatient prior to getting on BMT or MMT makes the medication all the more effective (it sounds like a 6-36 month long methadone outpatient program as opposed to a buprenorphien program would be more suited to your needs in recovery and life though).

[mention]Sunriseoversea[/mention] please try and hold your head up! You haven't failed, you've just slipped a bit. It isn't like you're starting from square one. You had a few days and then you lapsed, but what you learned during even just those few days doesn't just magically disappear because of the lapse. Keep going! You got this

 

[simco]

Hey CJ!! I feel like I know you from following your benzo w/d thread. My heart was hurting for you- I didn't comment because Ive been feeling like a fraud and deeply ashamed - due to the fact I started fucking around w dope again. Then lost my ever-loving mind this past month.
...

Darlin', you're no fraud! You are down there in the shit and fighting hard. That's all we can do, and you're killing it.

Sim

 

[cj]

Hey CJ!! I feel like I know you from following your benzo w/d thread. My heart was hurting for you- I didn't comment because Ive been feeling like a fraud and deeply ashamed - due to the fact I started fucking around w dope again. Then lost my ever-loving mind this past month. I tried to cop today- but as I said my connection is gone. I had a sub strip lying around from awhile ago and took it, as well as some 10mg valium.

Something you mentioned in your thread is how brutal gabapentin withdrawal is Yesssss!!! It seems alot of ppl don't understand that. Lyrica withdrawal is also B-R-U-T-A-L- being it is the sister of gabapentin. I describe it as concentrated neurontin. (Did you know that Lyrica is the name of the inventor's daughter? Fun fact lol).

I have been through w/d from almost every drug. For me, Lyrica and Neurontin are the worst...yes worse than w/d from a bundle and a half a day dope habit w/d. It mimics opiate w/d i.e. Cold sweats...hot and cold flashes, restlessness, restless legs, insomnia, vomiting...anxiety. Now this is where, for me, it makes it the worst. The anxiety is through the ceiling without even one second of relief.

When you described how you felt in your bed....I knew exactly what you were feeling. No amount of reasoning, logic, etc helps. Not even benzos touch it. It truly feels like you're losing your mind...for good.

Sorry I got off topic- yesterday about 20mins after I did that bag-I received a call from my counselor at my rehab I went to. God bless this woman- she snuck hair color into rehab for me when I was there, and cutting shears so I could cut a patients hair ( Im a stylist)- anyway she wanted to know how I was and if I was able to find help w funding. I told her I used....and no noone helped....and told me to call back if I was still alive in 6mos. Good times. Not one of the most encouraging Ive had to date.

She said "you're just going to have to walk in one of these places. She said we're packed right now, but we have some discharges on Saturday and Sunday-DO NOT REPEAT this to anyone." Which I wouldn't in a million years. It wont be hard to convince these ppl I have a problem - my urine and tracks will do the talking.

I personally need to go inpatient. I need a refresher course on how to live without heroin being my main goal in life. Despite my relapse- this is progress. Going inpatient??!! For help??? I wouldn't even have considered it 2yrs ago. I am disappointed and disillusioned. Though Neurontin helps tremendously for my anxiety and panic attacks-which, asidebfrom chronic pain,

I feel your pain. You are trying to kick a lot of dependencies at once. I would usually caution against this but if your out of options then your out of options. I am not sure I would want to be involved with a counselor who told me to call back if I am not dead in 6 months. That's a clear sign of an overwhelming caseload and burnout. I know most people say any rehab is better than none but I am not so sure. You want to find a place with the smallest caseload to counselor ratio possible. Fuck the frills you don't need horseback riding or a ropes course ask about the therapy how much 1 to 1 is offered a week how big are the group sessions.
As a secondary track I would be looking for a IOP and a sub doctor and psychiatrist to taper or stabilize your meds. Getting ripped off all those meds then sent packing in 30 days is a recipe for failure.

And you damn sure aint no fraud. We are all in this shit together as far as I am concerned.

 

[Sunriseoversea]

10years, Im sending you good toughts and love. Youre not a fraud, youre not broken. We are all in this, we are going to make it. Second CT for me in less then a week, Im holding on, Its a miracle. This time I cant fake a big cold. I have to be productive and motherly...wich is fucking hard. How are you?