ChemicalBeauty
Bluelighter
A Modest Proposal
Economists, politicians and my mom all agree there’s no way our country’s economy can sustain the level of growth it’s enjoyed in recent years. Eventually, and probably soon, the bubble will burst and we will plunge into a recession the likes of which we haven’t seen since the early 1980’s. (Remember parachute pants? It wasn’t pretty.) Luckily, I have a solution to our woes. It’s been staring us all in the face. It’s time to get rid of some dead weight and make a little cash in the meantime. That’s right, it’s time to sell Oregon.
I know what you’re thinking. "Sell Oregon?! There can’t possibly be a downside." Well, you, my naïve friend, are absolutely right. Seriously, don't you have a hard time remembering Oregon is there between California and Washington? So do I. The truth is it just gets in the way. Here are some more reasons it sucks:
1. Is it "Or-e-GON" or "OR-e-gon"? How do you pronounce the bloody place? I spent half my life stressing the first syllable and then found out I was wrong. I felt like a damn idiot. Sell it. That’s right, Oregon, you fucked with me, and now I’m fucking you. How’s it feel?
2. Brenda KirPatrick. I met her on a field trip to Idaho with my baseball team in high School. She was on a team from Oregon. We hit it off and spent the next couple days in constant contact (I touched her boobies) then she dumped me. Guess what -- it’s payback time, Missy. I’m selling your damn state. Say goodbye to your family, your friends and your old house. They belong to China now.
Damn right!
3. The Beaver State. Well, there’s a nickname that inspires pride and patriotism. Seriously, "The Beaver State"? That’s what they decided to go with? Was "Twat Town" taken? Forget the money, we should sell it just to retain a little dignity. This sounds like a nickname given to us by our enemies. Good grief.
4. Quick, what’s the capital of Oregon. Portland, right? Wrong! It’s Salem. How dare they trick us like that? Those deceptive bastards. You and I both know it should be Portland, but they just like fucking with us. Well, I’ve got good news – there’s a Portland in Maine and a Salem in Massachusetts. So, we won’t miss them after we sell their ass to the highest bidder. To hell with you, Oregon. Get your Salem-loving ass out of my country.
5. Their State Bird. Can you believe how stupid their state bird is? I’m not sure what it is, actually, but I’m sure it’s stupid. Sell them! SELL them!
6. Timber. It’s their biggest natural resource and their chief industry. Wow, they have trees. Hmm, let’s think of what other states have trees... Oh yeah, all of them. My point? Oregon is redundant. Redundant. It means extra.
Fifty-four forty or who the fuck cares?
Economists, politicians and my mom all agree there’s no way our country’s economy can sustain the level of growth it’s enjoyed in recent years. Eventually, and probably soon, the bubble will burst and we will plunge into a recession the likes of which we haven’t seen since the early 1980’s. (Remember parachute pants? It wasn’t pretty.) Luckily, I have a solution to our woes. It’s been staring us all in the face. It’s time to get rid of some dead weight and make a little cash in the meantime. That’s right, it’s time to sell Oregon.
I know what you’re thinking. "Sell Oregon?! There can’t possibly be a downside." Well, you, my naïve friend, are absolutely right. Seriously, don't you have a hard time remembering Oregon is there between California and Washington? So do I. The truth is it just gets in the way. Here are some more reasons it sucks:
1. Is it "Or-e-GON" or "OR-e-gon"? How do you pronounce the bloody place? I spent half my life stressing the first syllable and then found out I was wrong. I felt like a damn idiot. Sell it. That’s right, Oregon, you fucked with me, and now I’m fucking you. How’s it feel?
2. Brenda KirPatrick. I met her on a field trip to Idaho with my baseball team in high School. She was on a team from Oregon. We hit it off and spent the next couple days in constant contact (I touched her boobies) then she dumped me. Guess what -- it’s payback time, Missy. I’m selling your damn state. Say goodbye to your family, your friends and your old house. They belong to China now.
Damn right!
3. The Beaver State. Well, there’s a nickname that inspires pride and patriotism. Seriously, "The Beaver State"? That’s what they decided to go with? Was "Twat Town" taken? Forget the money, we should sell it just to retain a little dignity. This sounds like a nickname given to us by our enemies. Good grief.
4. Quick, what’s the capital of Oregon. Portland, right? Wrong! It’s Salem. How dare they trick us like that? Those deceptive bastards. You and I both know it should be Portland, but they just like fucking with us. Well, I’ve got good news – there’s a Portland in Maine and a Salem in Massachusetts. So, we won’t miss them after we sell their ass to the highest bidder. To hell with you, Oregon. Get your Salem-loving ass out of my country.
5. Their State Bird. Can you believe how stupid their state bird is? I’m not sure what it is, actually, but I’m sure it’s stupid. Sell them! SELL them!
6. Timber. It’s their biggest natural resource and their chief industry. Wow, they have trees. Hmm, let’s think of what other states have trees... Oh yeah, all of them. My point? Oregon is redundant. Redundant. It means extra.
Fifty-four forty or who the fuck cares?
