If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

[n3ophy7e]

^^ B&O it really sounds like you need to seek some professional support to help you get through this dark patch. Have you spoken to a therapist or even just your doctor about what you're going through?? There are a lot of options out there for people who are in your position, you do not have to suffer

 

[adam7050]

at what point does it become overall too painfull for everyone?

"suicide isn't painless, when you leave everyone in pain.."

please find help, don't give up. my heart was taken by someone who commit suicide. very traumatic, i'll never be the same, not even close. the guilt is overwhelming and not a day goes by where i don't think of him. i have very intense realistic dreams where he's alive again and i saved him and then i wake up and think it's real for a split second and then my heart is ripped out of my chest again. i'm so screwed up in the head from it, i can't even explain it..... but think of the person you love most, that person is most likely going to be fucked up for the rest of their life because of you, if you kill yourself... i hate to put it that way but the only reason i didn't end my own life is because i know how bad it hurts to lose someone to suicide and id never wish that pain on my worst enemy....

you can do it. the first thing to do is pick yourself off the floor and start over, you have your whole life ahead of you, learn from your mistakes, it's okay.

There's never been one time where i've had a bad thought that wasnt followed by the "what would this do to my parents?"

Devestate them of course.
What's worse, them waiting on the big phone call, or when is enough is enough. How much longer can they live like this, nothing is getting any better. How much longer are we gonna do this?

 

[jackie jones]

Indeed. My main reason for not offing myself is because of the subsequent effects pertaining to my parents.

Welcome to Bluelight, Adam.

 

[n3ophy7e]

There's never been one time where i've had a bad thought that wasnt followed by the "what would this do to my parents?"

Devestate them of course.

So so true man. Suicide ruins the lives of all the people left behind, it's not worth it

 

[skillz~4~thrillz]

B&O, when life gets that tough,you just slow things down.Take deep calming breaths and remember you are n the right place.You have friends here,some that will happen quickly,others may take a little while.but "Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion"...Tool ~Adam Jones, Maynard James Keenan

sometimes you just have to take it one minute at a time and go from there.I have been where you are,but joy is not a oneway street.death is.in life you can always change your mind,your life-anything.It's yours and there are endless possibilities...if you hold on.I promise.
PM me anytime you need to talk.even better find a reputable shrink.I've had one for 10 years and I still can't do w/o her.It is an act of strength....and courage.

much peace and love....skillz

 

[Captain.Heroin]

If I had heroin by my side, I've never shot up before, but id do it right now. If I had a gun right now id probably just make it easier for me and everyone around me.

Do drugs instead of taking your own life. Please.

We would hate to see you become addicted to drugs, but we'd hate even more not to see you around here again.

You can always quit drugs, but you cannot be resurrected from the dead.

Please PM me if you need someone to talk to.

Hi BearLeeLive, welcome to The Dark Side
I am so glad to hear you're still with us, and thank you to C.H that his words were able to help you through the dark times.

You're welcome BearLeeLive and n3o!

As I see it, life is full of good and bad things. Without equally horrific, terrifying, bad things in life, how would you know how good you have it when you are experiencing the good times?

I have often wondered why I have had to live such a miserable life, and I don't feel too miserable anymore. Even though my life is still full of struggles, and problems, I move forward in life knowing one day I will be able to take a deep breath and feel a lot better than I do now.

I'm in tears... I'm living for nothing but a fucking drug. Scoring meth is the only purpose to my life. What kind of life is that? I wish I never touched this shit cos now I'm trapped. I've tried quitting, and it made life horrible... I couldn't feel happy, I couldn't enjoy things, and I didn't have the motivation to do anything. I've gone back to using daily so I can live a normal life, but now my guy says he won't have any more ready till Thursday. So I'm gonna be bedridden and depressed till then. My life is fucked. Totally fucked. I feel like a slave with no hope of freedom.

Sweet P - I am so sorry you feel this way. That's essentially where using heroin brought me to in life, and that's exactly why I quit.

I endured many months of PAWS (or what one would call "PAWS", whether it was actually PAWS or not) and Suboxone has only helped me to a certain degree. I still experience the "Why should I get out of bed today?" - there are still days I don't get up at all (other than to use the bathroom), and I still get depressed at times.

We're all in this together, and we're all here to help each other out. You have definitely contributed to the community in a unique, positive way, and a lot of people's lives wouldn't be the same without you.

Please hang in there and take care!

 

[BananasAndOranges]

im trying to quit and just get rid of everyone I know of right now. I could really piss my 2 main sources off and im tempted to do it and regret it later but its gone on for way too long now.

I already tapered my benzo use. it wasnt hard just a little uncomfortable.

 

[BananasAndOranges]

B&O, when life gets that tough,you just slow things down.Take deep calming breaths and remember you are n the right place.You have friends here,some that will happen quickly,others may take a little while.but "Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion"...Tool ~Adam Jones, Maynard James Keenan

sometimes you just have to take it one minute at a time and go from there.I have been where you are,but joy is not a oneway street.death is.in life you can always change your mind,your life-anything.It's yours and there are endless possibilities...if you hold on.I promise.
PM me anytime you need to talk.even better find a reputable shrink.I've had one for 10 years and I still can't do w/o her.It is an act of strength....and courage.

much peace and love....skillz

I see one right now. He doesnt like me and thinks im just a junkie. I told him what I feel that he feels about me. He didnt say shit. Im seeing someone that works with a rehab in a month. I hope he listens to what I say and doesnt interupt me everytime I talk and ask me if I used a drug I havent used for 3 months. Dood sent me to a "substance abuse counsoler"....that guy lied, he told me what anxiety was, he could tell I was mad, and I let him know he wasnt going to help me by talking, and the only thing that would help me at this point is rehab....

 

[Vacuumhed]

Another advice is to wash your face with cold cold water and slap yourself, not like a bitch, 10 times, then go brrr. That helps.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I hope he listens to what I say and doesnt interupt me everytime I talk

Sounds like my last psychiatrist. Total wanker and NOT helpful at all.

Good luck with the rehab counsellor!!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

im trying to quit and just get rid of everyone I know of right now. I could really piss my 2 main sources off and im tempted to do it and regret it later but its gone on for way too long now.

I already tapered my benzo use. it wasnt hard just a little uncomfortable.

I'm happy to hear you tapered your benzo use! That's a great first step.

I wouldn't piss off your sources, I don't think that's a productive first step. Are these people you can cut yourself off from by deleting a phone number out of your phone? Or would you have to literally move away from them?

Good luck Bananas and Oranges!

 

[BearLeeLive]

smart move

im trying to quit and just get rid of everyone I know of right now. I could really piss my 2 main sources off and im tempted to do it and regret it later but its gone on for way too long now.

I already tapered my benzo use. it wasnt hard just a little uncomfortable.

thats the best 1st sleep burn all you #s except those that dont use(hard dope)
keep your chin up i was welcoming death on march 19 and now im ontop of the world
u can pm me any time i WILL pm u back asap%)

 

[BananasAndOranges]

thats the best 1st sleep burn all you #s except those that dont use(hard dope)
keep your chin up i was welcoming death on march 19 and now im ontop of the world
u can pm me any time i WILL pm u back asap%)

im hurting so bad right now. I thought i could just stop after my binge and now im feeling super fucking sick. All my friends even the real ones besides maybe 2 do harder shit.ugh this is horrific.

 

[BananasAndOranges]

I'm happy to hear you tapered your benzo use! That's a great first step.

I wouldn't piss off your sources, I don't think that's a productive first step. Are these people you can cut yourself off from by deleting a phone number out of your phone? Or would you have to literally move away from them?

Good luck Bananas and Oranges!

I have to move away. Im trying to do this in under a month. Deleting numbers doesnt work. I tried that one.First time got fucked up quick. I wont blame it all one one person. I blame myself. I got fiendy and had a back up number thing. The Second time, I told 4 people whom I though were friends hey this is my new shit, please dont give it out because if I get a call or whatever I may fuck up. Number got given to someone, then someone else, so on, so on, and back to square one. Im thinking isolation may be good for awhile, but I cant do this here. I've done this most my life now and I think this plays a role in what im doing. Im very uncomfortable here. Im really ready for school.

I fucked the benzo taper up last night....... : /

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hang in there B&O, it is hard but I know you will get through this

 

[BananasAndOranges]

I hope so. Im praying right now I didnt fuck up. I dont know what the fuck just went up me nose! frealz. Im so over this life style but I keep getting turned back onto it.

 

[Vacuumhed]

Eugh, sorry for my previous post. I didn't notice this was a serious thread.

HOpe you feel better soon man. Not to be emo or anything but I don't think it's as bad as you think, because I'm some looser sitting here all alone all day waiting for drugs to arrive. Not to socialize, not to have fun. Just to escape. Only shit I got to look forward on, which bitch slaps me later on and notice what I've done to my family, money and life.

I can still turn back, but fuck knows when I get the will to. No friends, no intrests. Just drugs used horribly wrong, and when none available I drown myself in alcohol to lay on my bed and sleep. Meep. ;/ When high I either make music or... lay in bed. hahaha :D

Look like you got friends at least. NO issues with communicating? Just see the better sides of life and blur the rest. Don't isolate yourself like me, that just makes everything appear so darker.

 

[BananasAndOranges]

Eugh, sorry for my previous post. I didn't notice this was a serious thread.

HOpe you feel better soon man. Not to be emo or anything but I don't think it's as bad as you think, because I'm some looser sitting here all alone all day waiting for drugs to arrive. Not to socialize, not to have fun. Just to escape. Only shit I got to look forward on, which bitch slaps me later on and notice what I've done to my family, money and life.

I can still turn back, but fuck knows when I get the will to. No friends, no intrests. Just drugs used horribly wrong, and when none available I drown myself in alcohol to lay on my bed and sleep. Meep. ;/ When high I either make music or... lay in bed. hahaha :D

Look like you got friends at least. NO issues with communicating? Just see the better sides of life and blur the rest. Don't isolate yourself like me, that just makes everything appear so darker.

Thats my day. I isolated myself so bad that I havent hung out with anyone in so long it would make me incredibly uncomfortable to hang out with somebody and just say watch a movie. Im outta here.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I have to move away. Im trying to do this in under a month. Deleting numbers doesnt work. I tried that one.First time got fucked up quick. I wont blame it all one one person. I blame myself. I got fiendy and had a back up number thing. The Second time, I told 4 people whom I though were friends hey this is my new shit, please dont give it out because if I get a call or whatever I may fuck up. Number got given to someone, then someone else, so on, so on, and back to square one. Im thinking isolation may be good for awhile, but I cant do this here. I've done this most my life now and I think this plays a role in what im doing. Im very uncomfortable here. Im really ready for school.

I fucked the benzo taper up last night....... : /

It's OK Bananas and Oranges.

When I first got on Suboxone I relapsed here and there for months until I finally gave up heroin for good.

There's no need to blame yourself. Think positive, and remember you're a strong person for wanting to quit in the first place.

I still blame myself for so many things it's ridiculous, and I wish I could just stop getting down on myself.

My attempts at school haven't gone well, and the last good school semester I had, was when I was using. I recently discovered I have ADHD, and more problems that I will need medication, and probably therapy, to help at least do better in school.

I had to cut myself away from everyone, and I effectively have no friends now. I don't think I will make any new friends for such a long time. I often wonder if I even want friends. One person, for the first time in months, was going to hang out with me yesterday, that definitely never happened - and is my fault.

Focus on yourself first and don't feel bad for anything. I know that isn't compatible with what withdrawal feels like. Just realize that what you're doing, no matter how sad, painful, lonely, or depressing it may be, is for the better. And one day you will be in a better place and a better mindset because of it.

I could really use help with following my own advice here, but overall, I have figured out this is the way to do it.

I hope you're doing better B&O,
CH

Thats my day. I isolated myself so bad that I havent hung out with anyone in so long it would make me incredibly uncomfortable to hang out with somebody and just say watch a movie. Im outta here.

B&O,

I'm the same way. I feel extremely uncomfortable hanging out with people, but don't worry about that!

I would be in a much worse place if I didn't get clean for my own life, my fiancee would have left me, I wouldn't have the same support I do now, and I likely wouldn't still be around here.

Don't let the negative feelings/thoughts take over your recovery! I think you're doing a great job by realizing you need to quit. Don't let go of that!

Try to imagine life a month or two later from now, without drugs. Surely the withdrawal will have past, and you can continue with your regular life. Please don't get dragged down into the mental quicksand of withdrawal. The more you think about it and struggle with it the worse it will be.

Focus away from the negativity, the withdrawal, and how you feel now. It will change.

 

[edgewise1]

I've been reading this thread for the past several hours and don't really know how to respond, yet I want so badly to say something that will make all the pain, loneliness, and heartache go away. I just want you to know that I am thinking of each and everyone of you who are going through this at the moment.

I've also been there, and one day was actually riding around and calling some people to borrow a gun as I had made up my mind to do this. Only problem was that I could not find or contact any of 5 or 6 people I was looking for. After that I realized that maybe fate was the reason? My depression came about from the drugs I took and how they affected my family. I am older than most of you posting here, just turned 54 in March, so I ended up losing my wife of 25 years because of the drugs,and went into debt $40,000 buying drugs over the internet, for which I am still paying for even today. I also have a 24 year old son who's respect I also lost. I remember it like it was yesterday. I cried constantly and comteplated suicide from July of 2005 to February of 2008. Work was utter hell as I did not want to be around anyone, but everyday I faced 30 middle school students, and everyday thought about saying fuck it and quit, just walk out, get in my car, get on the hwy, and crash my car into a bridge abbutment, even had the one picked out I was going to use. But everytime I thought to take action and finally do it, I would think of my son and the total devastation it would cause him, and I could not do it.

It has been over 2 years now and I finally snapped out of the depression/funk I was in and set about repairing the relationship with my son. Today we are closer than ever.

I wasn't going to post this at first as it sounds corny and probaly is not helpful at the present time. Then I thought it couldn't really hurt anything, and it would hopefully demonstrate that things can get better if you hang in there. Also that the things affecting you, and causing you to consider suicide are no respecter of age, since I thought these feelings were not what someone my age should have, that I should be more mature about it. Well fuck that! When I finally accepted myself for who I was and accepted the feelings, I was able to go on and get to where I am now.


Again my heart really goes out to you folks and if ANYONE wishes to pm me just to talk, I will gladly listen.