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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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I've taken like more benzos than I can count and am drinking shot after shot.

Why can't I just hurry up and die?

People keep ditching me and letting me down. Shows how much they care. I'm a worthless piece of shit.
 
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dont do it mang. Seriously, call a fucking ambulance and youll live. Whai die, if nothign else, you cant do shit if youre dead.
 
I'm ok... I just passed out for a few hours and woke up feeling dizzy and hungover.

Got too much of a benzo tolerance. Next time I'll try OD'ing on smack instead.
 
Sweet P, you know that your mood goes in cycles, so you know for a fact that you will feel better soon. I know it's hard to remember that when you feel like shit but please just hang in there and don't take any more drugs or alcohol for today. Take care please?? <3
 
^ Thing is, my mood doesn't really go in cycles. It's much more unpredictable than that.

Suicide is my automatic response to severe stress... and I've been going through a lot of stress lately.
 
^^ You need to try and practise some other, more effective methods for dealing with stress then, because suicide really doesn't actually solve any problems hun. You can get through the stressful times without having to think about suicide <3
 
^ Yeah, I've been considering going back to DBT therapy for my BPD. Trouble is, I need to be clean for the therapy to be most effective. And I won't be able to attend appointments or do the work unless I use (too fatigued and unmotivated without meth). So it's a catch-22, really.
 
Sweet P said:
^ Thing is, my mood doesn't really go in cycles. It's much more unpredictable than that.

Suicide is my automatic response to severe stress... and I've been going through a lot of stress lately.
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To be honest, im really sure what to suggest to you, love, but you need some type of help other than what you are getting now. Everytime I see a post of yours, you are feeling terrible or depressed or having problems with drugs, and it is very, very concerning. I know a lot of depressed people, but I really do fear for you... please just figure something out. Stop trying to do this by yourself. I'm worried, because next time you guzzle down liquior with benzos, you might not be so lucky... :(

On the real, there has to be something out there, whether it's a medication, a religion, a hobby, a person, SOMETHING to get you to a stable place. Find it. Please.

It's like that saying, "If you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done". Whatever means you are using to attempt to cope with depression obviously isn't working, and it might be time for something drastic. I know you've been admitted to a mental hospital before... is it a possibility to go back? I'm not saying that is necessarily the best thing, I don't know YOU like you know yourself, but just do SOMETHING, please <3
 
^ Yeah, you're right. I do need help, but I struggle to build a trusting relationship with therapists in which I can open up and talk about my problems. And yeah... most of my posts lately have been negative. Either depressed, angry, or high. I had been considering taking a break from Bluelight for that very reason, but then I'd have even less people to talk to. I've got no friends in real life. None. Just superficial relationships with drug buddies and dealers.

I've fucked up my brain with all the meth I've abused, and now I can't naturally feel happy. It's a horrible existence, not being able to enjoy life or being motivated to do anything. So I usually just lie around at home doing shit all. I'm constantly thinking about suicide... trying to figure out the best way to do it. I've decided to relapse on methamphetamine to get rid of this continual feeling of emptiness and anhedonia. The drug has already taken a horrible toll on my health, and if it kills me, the New Zealand health system is to blame. All I needed was a lousy prescription for dexies from a doctor, but all of them just said "no". So yeah, now I'm being forced to smoke poison again.
 
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thanks for posting that link, spork. it does have some good stuff!

THIS Web site also has some nice articles and essays on CBT type stuff and it is geared toward addicts. There are some nice little reframes on there, one of which was my facebook status for awhile:

If you accept yourself wholly and unconditionally, none of your life will be wasted.
Click to expand...
 
Great link, spork. Thanks!

If you accept yourself wholly and unconditionally, none of your life will be wasted.
Click to expand...

Sadly, I've never been able to do this.
 
How do you convince yourself that getting better is worth it?

I have a super busy life with college and work 24 hrs a week, as well as many film and radio projects from my class. My eyes always bloodshot from little sleep, and my depression keeps getting worse.

All my life I have felt alone and hollow. I don't care about important things and losing interest in staying in school.

We are all busy but the part that sucks is i have ADHD, GAD, Depression and according to my councelor i hate myself. I'd agree. I have so much to work on with so little time and i am overwhelmed. It never stops I just can't get used to this. I have friends, but i feel so distant from them all.
 
kc - I am so stealing that for my FB status! <3 (And I'll send you my page if you send me yours!)

I've not been feeling suicidal at all, but quitting tramadol (~3 weeks clean or so, was using it as an antidepressant) and life stress have increased my level of depression. Sometimes I read the OP of this thread even when I'm not doing anything self-destructive (drinking usually) as a reminder that I still don't know the question so therefore suicide is not a viable answer.

There's a saying out there that "fortune favors the bold". While I don't wish to get into a debate on whether it's better or not to end it if the shit really hits the fan (it isn't), it's a lot harder to keep on living and thriving through obstacles than it is to give up.

Don't give up. Even if you don't see any light right now, you might. I spent last week freezing my ass off and tomorrow it's supposed to be 70F - the days are getting longer here where I live now and I'm mandating that I spend a little time catching some sunshine where and when I can. If something so small can lift my mood out of the apathetic, lonely place where it was a few days ago, then surely we can all keep going. <3

P - How long have you been on the buproprion? It doesn't take as long as SSRIs to kick in, IME, but nothing I know of out there (antidepressant wise) lifted my mood as quickly and dramatically. It can have a side effect of increased impulsivity, and remember that if you drink, you REALLY need to watch it with this one. 1 beer can feel like 3 and as any of the TDS drinkers can attest to, that can be problematic on its own.

Remember, everyone, that somebody out there loves you and that there's nothing weak-minded about recognizing that you need help. Living may be harder than dying (who said that?) but if you die, you'll never know whether or not you can eventually choose to be happy.

See Eckhart Tolle's work (which I and others have mentioned in several threads) for some further perspective.
 
Mariposa said:
P - How long have you been on the buproprion? It doesn't take as long as SSRIs to kick in, IME, but nothing I know of out there (antidepressant wise) lifted my mood as quickly and dramatically. It can have a side effect of increased impulsivity, and remember that if you drink, you REALLY need to watch it with this one. 1 beer can feel like 3 and as any of the TDS drinkers can attest to, that can be problematic on its own.
Click to expand...

I've been on 150mg's of bupropion for 2 weeks... maybe more? I know it's working cos my cravings for meth haven't been as strong, and I've managed to quit smoking ciggies (they taste disgusting now). My mood isn't particularly low... I've just been feeling constantly apathetic and anhedonic. A total feeling of emptiness. I've been told that's probably neurological damage due to the meth. But ironically, the only way I can lift that apathy and anhedonia is by using more meth. :\
 
I'm kind of glad the Angus L Macdonald bridge in Halifax had barriers, it saved my life, I'll post pics of myself there.

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I'm broke, I'm very lonely, I used to many opiates in a row and I'm dopesick, it's 5:30 AM and I'm just bawling my eyes out into my pillow.
I wish I had a cat or even a stuffed animal.
5 days ago someone jumped in Saint John from the reversing falls bridge, I was there today and it is so sad.
That poor soul jumped.. while traffic just drove on by =(
 
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