Pillthrill
Bluelighter
DW- medication- Lamictal - or Lamotrigine (gen.) 100mg
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This
- Thread starter chicpoena
- Start date
- Status
Ds
Bluelight Crew
So i o.d. Yesterday on h. They releasd me 2 my mom. Who doesnt kno anythng bout me. I got a 25 sak of h gona go do it again
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
There is nothing we can do to stop you. You really need to reconsider your use sometimes. I know it is a constant battle.
Last edited:
Ds
Bluelight Crew
I kno pillthrill, I just hate my life. It's like my family stopd loving me when I OD'd. I'm fucking high as a kite right now on the H, but I know tommrow morning I wont be high anymore, and I gotta face my family.
I do feel better right now. No urges to kill myself tonight.
Hope you get feeling better pt ^
drew
I do feel better right now. No urges to kill myself tonight.
Hope you get feeling better pt ^
drew
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
D's think like you are listening to a dear friend making arguments about life being unlivable. You'd have some good arguments wouldn't you. Depression is usually tied in with black and white thinking. Life isn't tolerable or intolerable, worthwhile or unworthwhile; it is thousands of positions in between in the course of a day and the course of a life. Often depressed people predict the rest of their life based on how things have been going emotionally for less than a month. Just as the good times don't stay good forever, the bad don't stay bad either.
Again, since you have been feeling like harming yourself quite a bit lately, please have a plan of getting professional help before you would act on bad feelings. Feelings are transitory.
Again, since you have been feeling like harming yourself quite a bit lately, please have a plan of getting professional help before you would act on bad feelings. Feelings are transitory.
Sweet P
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2009
- Messages
- 5,243
Just checking in. My mood has been all over the place, and I've still been getting a few suicidal thoughts, so I've haven't been posting as much on the forums. I've had my anti-depressants increased which seems to be helping a bit. I'm not feeling as bad as I was a couple of weeks ago, at least.
I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and all the other psychiatrists/psychologists I've seen since then have agreed with it, so I don't think there's any doubt. I'm definitely not a fan of the label (IMO it's one of the worst labels someone can have!), but I seem to have all the symptoms listed in the DSM-IV. I think that's where it says you have to be 18+ for the diagnosis. I wasn't into any hard drugs when I got diagnosed, but I was using weed and ecstasy, so I guess I wasn't totally clean. But I think my docs were aware of this, and it didn't seem to make any difference to the diagnosis.
Sorry if it seems like I've been ignoring your replies in this thread - I actually only just saw them! Thanks for the support. At the moment I'm kinda struggling to talk to people, but I might send you a PM sometime when I'm feeling more comfortable. Feel free to contact me if you need to. I know how hellish BPD can be... Sometimes it feels like the world is testing us, to see how much pain we can take.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and all the other psychiatrists/psychologists I've seen since then have agreed with it, so I don't think there's any doubt. I'm definitely not a fan of the label (IMO it's one of the worst labels someone can have!), but I seem to have all the symptoms listed in the DSM-IV. I think that's where it says you have to be 18+ for the diagnosis. I wasn't into any hard drugs when I got diagnosed, but I was using weed and ecstasy, so I guess I wasn't totally clean. But I think my docs were aware of this, and it didn't seem to make any difference to the diagnosis.
Sorry if it seems like I've been ignoring your replies in this thread - I actually only just saw them! Thanks for the support. At the moment I'm kinda struggling to talk to people, but I might send you a PM sometime when I'm feeling more comfortable. Feel free to contact me if you need to. I know how hellish BPD can be... Sometimes it feels like the world is testing us, to see how much pain we can take.
ocean
Bluelight Crew
Honey, I am no stranger to the mental health system........
I know these things can cost money.......
But there are low income therapists,community clinics,state funded mental health clinics......each state, county and even town is different- but it can be found.
Maybe you should look into something like this in order to get out of these circles you are running in.
There are many options out there for you PT, you just have to be willing to change and get the help you really need.......
I hope things look up for you soon.
PT there has to be some way you can get some help. I live in canada so i don't know much about the american health care system except we can see a psychiatrist for free here (after months and months of waiting of course because the mental health care system is the most underfunded part of the health care system 
) where as it's alot harder to find a affordable one in the US unfortunatlty. But like ocean said there has to be some way for you to get the help you need.
Keep taking your meds like you supposed to because that will certainly help. I don't have BPD but i have bipolar disorder and once i hit the right meds and actually took them everyday things got way easier. Learning to be med compliant made my life alot better and helped me out of the suicidal mess i was in.
I really wish the best for you and i hope things start to get better for you soon.
) where as it's alot harder to find a affordable one in the US unfortunatlty. But like ocean said there has to be some way for you to get the help you need.Keep taking your meds like you supposed to because that will certainly help. I don't have BPD but i have bipolar disorder and once i hit the right meds and actually took them everyday things got way easier. Learning to be med compliant made my life alot better and helped me out of the suicidal mess i was in.
I really wish the best for you and i hope things start to get better for you soon.
drug_wench
Bluelight Crew
my posts may b long but if u have the 'tl;dr' mentality u wont get help im offering
sweet P - it is very overdiagnosed in NZ so im not surprised evry psych u see is happy to go without questionning this (including while ur using - and trust me, weed and E use can bring out those kind of symptoms in some ppl too believe it or not so dont write urself off yet!)
like i say, i displayed evry symptom of BPD for at least a yr.....until i was told i didnt hav it by the real professionals, funnily enough
its ur choice whether or not u want to go on just believing them, but i wudnt let them place a label on u until uve seen the experts - Segar House is the place (if ur psych believes u hav it, u can b referred there....not just for a confirmed diagnosis....for treatment!!!)
and pleeeease remember the warning i gave u via TXT hun
if u want more info on Segar House id b keen for u to TXT me
thats where i went
u cud end up getting the help u need - just remember DSM-IV says theres no treatment for BPD too......well it turned round my old mate Jacquis life going to Segar House so obviously the DSM-IV doesnt always get evrything right
but its up to u wat u want to let psychs label u with and wat u believe u r
u certainly dont come across to me as attention-seeking (one of the main symptoms) for a start
PT - lamictal? for.......bipolar? u hav bipolar too? that wud explain a lot of things.......tho dont they usually offer u an antipsychotic to take as well? oh well hope all is well, and thanks for listening to wat i had to say, that means a lot to me actually
D's - listen mate, u need to get rid of that heroin, hard as it is (believe me i know its hard but reread wat i posted just for u!)
do u hav any mates who really care about u? go stay with one of them - they will make u get rid of the H
they will also make sure ur ok
remember uve always got the support of us here - ring that hotline before doing something stupid
and it was stupid (u rnt stupid - but wat u did was)......cos there ARE ppl out there who luv u whether u think there r or not (evryone has someone who luvs them) and there r other things u can do other than killing urself, like ringing the hotline u rang before
maybe ur parents do luv u ur just too down to see it - maybe they just dont show it in the way that u need them to show it
why dont u ask ur mum if she loves u and tell her wat u need from her in order to b convinced - tell her why u ODd
cant u take urself to an ER and say u want to kill urself?
if u were to go on antidepressants for awhile (not SSRI/SNRIs - its better to go on something like wellbutrin.....SSRI-type drugs can actually cause the suicidal ideations to worsen) u might feel a bit better
im on amytriptyline, and it worked for me for awhile......doesnt seem to work anymore (the trouble with tricyclics), but i cant go on wellbutrin cos of my seizures
again im going to ask wat r u doing to help urself?
wat can i say about myself?
i dont want to go into details about the reasons i havnt bn online for the last 2 days but depression really is getting the better of me
tbh i did pretty much the same thing as u did, D's, just with a diffrent drug (or mix of drugs), and i recognise it was a stupid thing to do now so i hope u recognise the same
i guess thats why i keep saying u guys who can b referred to psych wards via the ER r lucky
that wasnt wat i got
i got shoved in respite care
i missed out on saying goodbye to my dog at the vets cos i was on 24 hr suicide watch at a respite place after (please only read if u can handle it)
they said they didnt think i needed the psych ward as it was only 'circumstantial depression' that respite wud b fine and id b on 24hr suicide watch there until they felt i was ready to leave
i tried to convince them i was ready to leave yesterday cos of Ozzy....i knew he was being put down yesterday
well they wudnt let me cos i was so tearful - sheesh wudnt they b if their dog was going to b put down?
i just wanted to b there to hold his paw....fuck i wanted to take one last pic of him as an adult dog before he was taken from me....hav Mum take a pic of me cuddling him
i was discharged late this afternoon....still on heavy sedatives (i requested no benzos as im trying to get off valium so they gave me low-dose phenobarbitone.....yea i was pretty hysterical......i spent most of my time at respite sleeping)
tomorrow we go to the SPCA to choose a 'replacement' for Ozzy - it seems so wrong.....evrything seems so wrong.....but i can only make it right from here i guess
see D's, we all make big mistakes - but that is wat it was in both our cases...a big fucking mistake
theres no easy way out
were not like dogs that get to b put out of their misery - and thats cos were meant to b strong enough to face the pain in our life
ur family havnt stopped loving u just cos u ODd - they r just worried
fuck, my dad doesnt even want to know me! he wont talk to me, wont look at me - oh and i grew up being abused by him, physically and super-emotionally (to the point where ive lost any iota of self-esteem i once had)
life is full of shit
but i can guarantee that ur family dont stop loving u cos they see a family member in strife - sometimes they just dont know wat to do cos they feel like ur not trying to get help and they back away for fear of losing u (maybe even subconsciously getting ready for wen u do the dirty deed....and it is a dirty deed cos no matter wat itll leave them grieving - sometimes i wonder if thats why my dad gave up on me, cos hes a total coward and hes scared im going to die so he just wont face me)
prove them wrong - look suicide in the eye, and spit in it
Enki and i hav both suggested professional help - there r plenty of suggestions circling here for evryone
if u come here, its only to get advice on where to go from here, u realise
if u wont listen to said suggestions, theres actually no point in posting tbh (not to b harsh but its true - as ocean said to someone earlier, we r not professionals.....u need to go to the professionals who can help u in a way that we cant before its too fucking late)
this isnt a blog - its a place to enquire where to get help
and i hope u go and get it
and if anyone knows where i can go in NZ....fuck, ID like to know
BTW - DOES ANYONE EVER READ THE OP OF THIS THREAD? COS IF U HAVNT I SUGGEST U DO NOW!
sweet P - it is very overdiagnosed in NZ so im not surprised evry psych u see is happy to go without questionning this (including while ur using - and trust me, weed and E use can bring out those kind of symptoms in some ppl too believe it or not so dont write urself off yet!)
like i say, i displayed evry symptom of BPD for at least a yr.....until i was told i didnt hav it by the real professionals, funnily enough
its ur choice whether or not u want to go on just believing them, but i wudnt let them place a label on u until uve seen the experts - Segar House is the place (if ur psych believes u hav it, u can b referred there....not just for a confirmed diagnosis....for treatment!!!)
and pleeeease remember the warning i gave u via TXT hun
if u want more info on Segar House id b keen for u to TXT me
thats where i went
u cud end up getting the help u need - just remember DSM-IV says theres no treatment for BPD too......well it turned round my old mate Jacquis life going to Segar House so obviously the DSM-IV doesnt always get evrything right
but its up to u wat u want to let psychs label u with and wat u believe u r
u certainly dont come across to me as attention-seeking (one of the main symptoms) for a start
PT - lamictal? for.......bipolar? u hav bipolar too? that wud explain a lot of things.......tho dont they usually offer u an antipsychotic to take as well? oh well hope all is well, and thanks for listening to wat i had to say, that means a lot to me actually
D's - listen mate, u need to get rid of that heroin, hard as it is (believe me i know its hard but reread wat i posted just for u!)
do u hav any mates who really care about u? go stay with one of them - they will make u get rid of the H
they will also make sure ur ok
remember uve always got the support of us here - ring that hotline before doing something stupid
and it was stupid (u rnt stupid - but wat u did was)......cos there ARE ppl out there who luv u whether u think there r or not (evryone has someone who luvs them) and there r other things u can do other than killing urself, like ringing the hotline u rang before
maybe ur parents do luv u ur just too down to see it - maybe they just dont show it in the way that u need them to show it
why dont u ask ur mum if she loves u and tell her wat u need from her in order to b convinced - tell her why u ODd
cant u take urself to an ER and say u want to kill urself?
if u were to go on antidepressants for awhile (not SSRI/SNRIs - its better to go on something like wellbutrin.....SSRI-type drugs can actually cause the suicidal ideations to worsen) u might feel a bit better
im on amytriptyline, and it worked for me for awhile......doesnt seem to work anymore (the trouble with tricyclics), but i cant go on wellbutrin cos of my seizures
again im going to ask wat r u doing to help urself?
wat can i say about myself?
i dont want to go into details about the reasons i havnt bn online for the last 2 days but depression really is getting the better of me
tbh i did pretty much the same thing as u did, D's, just with a diffrent drug (or mix of drugs), and i recognise it was a stupid thing to do now so i hope u recognise the same
i guess thats why i keep saying u guys who can b referred to psych wards via the ER r lucky
that wasnt wat i got
i got shoved in respite care
i missed out on saying goodbye to my dog at the vets cos i was on 24 hr suicide watch at a respite place after (please only read if u can handle it)
NSFW:
they said they didnt think i needed the psych ward as it was only 'circumstantial depression' that respite wud b fine and id b on 24hr suicide watch there until they felt i was ready to leave
i tried to convince them i was ready to leave yesterday cos of Ozzy....i knew he was being put down yesterday
well they wudnt let me cos i was so tearful - sheesh wudnt they b if their dog was going to b put down?
i just wanted to b there to hold his paw....fuck i wanted to take one last pic of him as an adult dog before he was taken from me....hav Mum take a pic of me cuddling him
i was discharged late this afternoon....still on heavy sedatives (i requested no benzos as im trying to get off valium so they gave me low-dose phenobarbitone.....yea i was pretty hysterical......i spent most of my time at respite sleeping)
tomorrow we go to the SPCA to choose a 'replacement' for Ozzy - it seems so wrong.....evrything seems so wrong.....but i can only make it right from here i guess
see D's, we all make big mistakes - but that is wat it was in both our cases...a big fucking mistake
theres no easy way out
were not like dogs that get to b put out of their misery - and thats cos were meant to b strong enough to face the pain in our life
ur family havnt stopped loving u just cos u ODd - they r just worried
fuck, my dad doesnt even want to know me! he wont talk to me, wont look at me - oh and i grew up being abused by him, physically and super-emotionally (to the point where ive lost any iota of self-esteem i once had)
life is full of shit
but i can guarantee that ur family dont stop loving u cos they see a family member in strife - sometimes they just dont know wat to do cos they feel like ur not trying to get help and they back away for fear of losing u (maybe even subconsciously getting ready for wen u do the dirty deed....and it is a dirty deed cos no matter wat itll leave them grieving - sometimes i wonder if thats why my dad gave up on me, cos hes a total coward and hes scared im going to die so he just wont face me)
prove them wrong - look suicide in the eye, and spit in it
Enki and i hav both suggested professional help - there r plenty of suggestions circling here for evryone
if u come here, its only to get advice on where to go from here, u realise
if u wont listen to said suggestions, theres actually no point in posting tbh (not to b harsh but its true - as ocean said to someone earlier, we r not professionals.....u need to go to the professionals who can help u in a way that we cant before its too fucking late)
this isnt a blog - its a place to enquire where to get help
and i hope u go and get it
and if anyone knows where i can go in NZ....fuck, ID like to know
BTW - DOES ANYONE EVER READ THE OP OF THIS THREAD? COS IF U HAVNT I SUGGEST U DO NOW!
Last edited:
wingnutlives
Bluelighter
I feel really suicidal, to the point where I should probably call a hotline. It's circumstantial... but also not. I'm too tired to explain why. I just feel like all I do is fuck things up and I should be removed from the planet.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Wingnut, I think you are in a mode of black and white thinking, at least regarding your place in the world. Don't let a few setbacks make it seem "like all I do is fuck things up" There are many special competencies and skills that you have that you haven't even discovered yet. I've been in that place where I kept repeating every thing that hadn't gone well to myself over and over. It is perspective distorting. Show yourself some kindness and forbearance regarding things that have not been working out. Calling a hotline is a good idea.
Wingnut i havent talked to ya much these days but one thing i know is that yer not a fuckup. I have been in that place though where all you can think about is how much you fucked everything up and that your nothing but a goddamn fuckup and always will be a goddamn useless fuckup.
It's a rather distorted view of things and i always found it hard to get out of by myself. Usually it took someone telling me that i wasent a fuckup and to get a more realistic view of things that isint tainted by your depressed outlook on everything at the moment.
Give yourself a break cause your miles away from being a fuckup from what i know of you. If you need to call a hotline do it cause id really hate to see anything happen to you. Much less for ya to be removed from the planet
.
I hope you feel better soon. Hugs
.
It's a rather distorted view of things and i always found it hard to get out of by myself. Usually it took someone telling me that i wasent a fuckup and to get a more realistic view of things that isint tainted by your depressed outlook on everything at the moment.
Give yourself a break cause your miles away from being a fuckup from what i know of you. If you need to call a hotline do it cause id really hate to see anything happen to you. Much less for ya to be removed from the planet
.I hope you feel better soon. Hugs
.
Selfmeditaker
Bluelighter
hey wingnut, man if you geel that you may need a hotline, THEN CALL ONE, call one my friend! or talk to one of us on here pm or aim or whatever. I have been feeling the exact same way that your feeling for the past 2 day days. Every single thing I've done the past 2 days I've totally fucked up and i mean irreversible fucking up. Story of my life. I let everyone I know down and most of all I let myself down. All I can do and all that keeps my suicidal thoughts at bay is the thought of what my checking out would wreck upon my family and others that love me. They would have to live the rest of their lives with the pain that I would have caused them by killing myself. So even though my pain would be gone, I would still be inflicting an everlasting pain and suffering upon those left behind so in the end, did I really stop the pain....
I hope your doing better friend and I hope you get through this spell!!!
wingnutlives
Bluelighter
Thank you
I feel a little better now
I'm taking some 5htp to restore serotonin
Part of the suicidal feelings was from taking too much E this past weekend....
The other part was people spreading rumors about me that make me look like a horrible person, and I'm not, but I can't disprove it because I did fuck up a little
I feel really low about myself but I'm trying not to
General anxiety/depression....
I don't think I need to call a hotline tonight but I'll find a number just in case
I feel a little better now
I'm taking some 5htp to restore serotonin
Part of the suicidal feelings was from taking too much E this past weekend....
The other part was people spreading rumors about me that make me look like a horrible person, and I'm not, but I can't disprove it because I did fuck up a little
I feel really low about myself but I'm trying not to
General anxiety/depression....
I don't think I need to call a hotline tonight but I'll find a number just in case
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
wingnutlives be grateful that you didn't express self doubt in front of Ocean irl. Were she to catch you talking bad about yourself, she might restrain you and tickle you until you lost control of all your bodily functions. She is just that kind of gal, if I were you I'd be very careful. Ocean's den isn't that far from you. I'm being sort of playful here. You are a very esteemed member of TDS. You are very sensitive to others assessment of your worth. This is good and bad. I can tell you that your social worth in TDS is very high, and I think it very likely you underestimate your social worth in many situations.
Social worth in certain given contexts does not carry over to other contexts. I'm 42 and out of shape, my worth in a fashion show would be very low, actually ridiculous, but that is not relevant to my worth speaking at a neighborhood association meeting or contributing to a Bluelight FAQ. My point in bringing this up is that some sorts of shortcomings should be compartmentalized. You had some setbacks in some social contexts. If they are compartmentalized they don't effect your view of competence and self worth totally, and I think being a divided self can be a very good thing when it provides for some damage control that every personality requires from time to time in modern life
I'm being sort of playful here. You are a very esteemed member of TDS. You are very sensitive to others assessment of your worth. This is good and bad. I can tell you that your social worth in TDS is very high, and I think it very likely you underestimate your social worth in many situations.Social worth in certain given contexts does not carry over to other contexts. I'm 42 and out of shape, my worth in a fashion show would be very low, actually ridiculous, but that is not relevant to my worth speaking at a neighborhood association meeting or contributing to a Bluelight FAQ. My point in bringing this up is that some sorts of shortcomings should be compartmentalized. You had some setbacks in some social contexts. If they are compartmentalized they don't effect your view of competence and self worth totally, and I think being a divided self can be a very good thing when it provides for some damage control that every personality requires from time to time in modern life
Ds
Bluelight Crew
thanks dw. Atleast I'm not on my own when it comes to the quick and easy way out.
The drugs really fuck me up, I stay off of them for awhile, and the second I go back, I think I can pick up where I left off. Nope, I O.D. Ofcourse I feel great when I take that shot. I've Overdosed 6 times in my life, all from injecting opiates, and once from mixing xanax, and methadone(I died, and the paramedics had to use the paddles on me four times before I came to.) I still fuck up!
As much as I fucking hate to OD, I hate it even worse when I ''come to'' and have to deal with everything, but times-ten.
I'm glad theres people like you people who understand somewhat of what it's like to be ''diffrent''.
I'm not thinking crazy anymore(knocks on wood). I am noticeing that i'm becomeing more quieter around people. I don't know if that's good or bad, but i'm doing it.
Ugh, its another one of those fucking miserble nights. Like parents still wont talk to me. Even when I ask them to, or send them a text msg. I realllly do not feel like wanting to end my life here, not now, no way!!! I don't no what to do!!!!!!
When ever I tell my parents my feelings, they ignore me!!! It's almost like I'm bruce williams on the 6th sence! Well god damnit i'm going to start slaming doors, and I mean it!! All this feeling of being alone has got to stop!! I am better than this!!!! Fuck you mom and dad!! I fucking love you! But god damn if your not going to listen to me and my feelings, I'm moving the fuck away,
(sorry needed to vent there)
I'm going out drinking again, hopefully my parents will relise that there Johnnie Walker blue label bottle has disaperd. Atleast I can enjoy this fucking full moon outside.
The drugs really fuck me up, I stay off of them for awhile, and the second I go back, I think I can pick up where I left off. Nope, I O.D. Ofcourse I feel great when I take that shot. I've Overdosed 6 times in my life, all from injecting opiates, and once from mixing xanax, and methadone(I died, and the paramedics had to use the paddles on me four times before I came to.) I still fuck up!
As much as I fucking hate to OD, I hate it even worse when I ''come to'' and have to deal with everything, but times-ten.
I'm glad theres people like you people who understand somewhat of what it's like to be ''diffrent''.
I'm not thinking crazy anymore(knocks on wood). I am noticeing that i'm becomeing more quieter around people. I don't know if that's good or bad, but i'm doing it.
Ugh, its another one of those fucking miserble nights. Like parents still wont talk to me. Even when I ask them to, or send them a text msg. I realllly do not feel like wanting to end my life here, not now, no way!!! I don't no what to do!!!!!!
When ever I tell my parents my feelings, they ignore me!!! It's almost like I'm bruce williams on the 6th sence! Well god damnit i'm going to start slaming doors, and I mean it!! All this feeling of being alone has got to stop!! I am better than this!!!! Fuck you mom and dad!! I fucking love you! But god damn if your not going to listen to me and my feelings, I'm moving the fuck away,
(sorry needed to vent there)
I'm going out drinking again, hopefully my parents will relise that there Johnnie Walker blue label bottle has disaperd. Atleast I can enjoy this fucking full moon outside.
drug_wench
Bluelight Crew
D's - i DO understand mate
fuck do i understand
ive ODd heaps in the past but that was always by mistake, due to being a polydrug abuser (in particular pure methamphetamine/opiates and id do a lot of mixing uppers/downers and slamming too much of both at once) - that was the first time i ever did it on purpose
deep down u dont want to commit suicide, as much as i dont, or u wudnt b posting in TDS where its all about not just support but solutions
ud b putting this in ur blog, and deep down u know that - so u do want help
uve even tried to get help in the past
and it worked
so why not try again before u OD again?
not all parents 'get it right' or r 'gd parents' - some parents shudnt b parents if u ask me
but ur right, fuck them if they wont even listen to u wen u tell them ur feeling suicidal (i am assuming u hav tried taking one of them by the hand, looking them in the eye and saying 'plz.....i need help and i WANT help......ur my parent.....ive been hurting myself because i dont believe u really love me - prove me wrong and help me!')
wat u seem to b doing is looking for attention from them (leaving out empty alcohol bottles, taking ur fathers 350z and doing burnouts, etc) - if urs r like my dad u wont get attention from them
therefore plz do urself a favour and move away from the pain they cause u - dont let their misunderstanding put u in a coffin
im glad to know someone read my post, even tho its long
mods r just members with a job basically (to keep the forum safe basically, for the rest of u) - we come to TDS for help/support/solutions, same as u, so wen i feel like another member identifies with me, even if they havnt given me a solution it cheers me up somewhat to know someone cares enough to read wat i posted - the NSFW wasnt important but the rest was
so im going to reask u, since uve bn kind enough to reply to me, wat r u doing to help urself? (to stop urself from committing suicide)
also hav u read the OP?
and wingnut, i know wat it feels like to feel socially unimportant - as ive said i hardly see any of my friends
theyre more mature than ur friends sound - and so r u, from wat ive read of ur posts
maybe u shud move on from that group of 'friends' - rumours r for high school, ur a fair bit older than that rnt u? more importantly, rnt THEY?
if u ever hav the time, read my first long post on this page and ull see ur certainly by no means alone in circumstantial depression
wat sucks about circumstantial depression is that no one (psychs i mean, here at least) takes it seriously
why not? doesnt it feel just as bad as clinical depression?
i know for me its like the darkest hole ive ever bn in, circumstantial or not
its like im jumping up trying to reach solid ground but im too deep and its an odd feeling
wat am i going to do about it? well ive discussed my various strategies, but wat happens wen even they fail to work? wen i cant even get out of bed im so depressed.....
im too depressed to kill myself - doesnt mean the thoughts rnt there
wat r other ppls strategies? id b interested to know
thats wat this forum is about.....problem-solving - we share our experiences too, and we say how awful we feel for that person/give our condolences that theyre going thru hard times, but theres an important part of TDS that often members think is to b left up to the mods
thats why i said we r just members too - we need the same amount of support as were going thru our own shit (again....read my posts....im not living a particularly happy life to say the least)
and we cant b the only ones to come up with solutions....even in difficult threads like this!
also, theres got to b a point wen we come up with our own solutions if we rnt listening to wat other members/mods suggest
and there r numerous suggestions in the OP
id like to ask how many of u HAV actually read it?
fuck do i understand
ive ODd heaps in the past but that was always by mistake, due to being a polydrug abuser (in particular pure methamphetamine/opiates and id do a lot of mixing uppers/downers and slamming too much of both at once) - that was the first time i ever did it on purpose
deep down u dont want to commit suicide, as much as i dont, or u wudnt b posting in TDS where its all about not just support but solutions
ud b putting this in ur blog, and deep down u know that - so u do want help
uve even tried to get help in the past
and it worked
so why not try again before u OD again?
not all parents 'get it right' or r 'gd parents' - some parents shudnt b parents if u ask me
but ur right, fuck them if they wont even listen to u wen u tell them ur feeling suicidal (i am assuming u hav tried taking one of them by the hand, looking them in the eye and saying 'plz.....i need help and i WANT help......ur my parent.....ive been hurting myself because i dont believe u really love me - prove me wrong and help me!')
wat u seem to b doing is looking for attention from them (leaving out empty alcohol bottles, taking ur fathers 350z and doing burnouts, etc) - if urs r like my dad u wont get attention from them
therefore plz do urself a favour and move away from the pain they cause u - dont let their misunderstanding put u in a coffin
im glad to know someone read my post, even tho its long
mods r just members with a job basically (to keep the forum safe basically, for the rest of u) - we come to TDS for help/support/solutions, same as u, so wen i feel like another member identifies with me, even if they havnt given me a solution it cheers me up somewhat to know someone cares enough to read wat i posted - the NSFW wasnt important but the rest was
so im going to reask u, since uve bn kind enough to reply to me, wat r u doing to help urself? (to stop urself from committing suicide)
also hav u read the OP?
and wingnut, i know wat it feels like to feel socially unimportant - as ive said i hardly see any of my friends
theyre more mature than ur friends sound - and so r u, from wat ive read of ur posts
maybe u shud move on from that group of 'friends' - rumours r for high school, ur a fair bit older than that rnt u? more importantly, rnt THEY?
if u ever hav the time, read my first long post on this page and ull see ur certainly by no means alone in circumstantial depression
wat sucks about circumstantial depression is that no one (psychs i mean, here at least) takes it seriously
why not? doesnt it feel just as bad as clinical depression?
i know for me its like the darkest hole ive ever bn in, circumstantial or not
its like im jumping up trying to reach solid ground but im too deep and its an odd feeling
wat am i going to do about it? well ive discussed my various strategies, but wat happens wen even they fail to work? wen i cant even get out of bed im so depressed.....
im too depressed to kill myself - doesnt mean the thoughts rnt there
wat r other ppls strategies? id b interested to know
thats wat this forum is about.....problem-solving - we share our experiences too, and we say how awful we feel for that person/give our condolences that theyre going thru hard times, but theres an important part of TDS that often members think is to b left up to the mods
thats why i said we r just members too - we need the same amount of support as were going thru our own shit (again....read my posts....im not living a particularly happy life to say the least)
and we cant b the only ones to come up with solutions....even in difficult threads like this!
also, theres got to b a point wen we come up with our own solutions if we rnt listening to wat other members/mods suggest
and there r numerous suggestions in the OP
id like to ask how many of u HAV actually read it?
Ds
Bluelight Crew
I know what you mean dw, it's just my entire life i've spent it trying to make people happy. Ever since I was a little boy, I still got picked on a lot at school. I diddn't let that hold me back, I still wanted to make "you" happy, and if it ment picking on me, your welcome to it. I feel as all of that mentallaty has ran out. Sure I want to make you happy, but how can I make you happy if you don't know I even exsist. Atleast when I was being bullied in school people noticed me.
I don't want anymore than you do, hell if I had $1,000,000 i'd end up giving it all away. I get more from giving then recieveing,(if that makes sence.)
I just wish at times that my family will tell me that i've done good in my life.
I'm the kind of guy that if I see a little kid's icecreme fall on the ground, i'd go buy them another one. I volunteer at the humane society, church, salvation army, schools, pools, and summer camps. I do it not to give back, but to take in. Helping people and animals makes people and animals happy.
My self-esteem has always been my biggest problem.
A lot of my feelings are traced back to my older brother, he's handicapped(one of the main reasons why I got picked on a lot at school.) As a kid I see my older brother laugh, and cry. I wonder to my self how can somebody that's mentally handicapped feel emotions. Like my brother, he's blind, and yet he laughs and cries. I told my parents (when I was 13) that I would start taking care of him,(they were to involved into their work to do anything)before they had my brother put in a hospital somewhere. I did it, all thru school. I would get him up, change him, bath him, put him in his wheel chair, feed him, roll him to his bus, come home from school, take my brother off the bus, out of his chair, change him, feed him dinner, bath him, and put him to sleep. I was still only 14 when I started doing this. I did this everyday for the next 7 years before I found him a verry nice nursing home.
My point is, doing this diddn't make my parents happy. They just figured that this would help me become a man. It did, don't get me wrong. Doing that also fucked with my emotions to the point when I wasn't no longer taking care of my brother I turned to drugs.
It makes me sad, err trying not to cry here. What if my older brother saw me like this, and told me what was I doing to my self.
This all goes back into the roots of my depression.
I just want to make my mom and dad happy for once.
I don't want anymore than you do, hell if I had $1,000,000 i'd end up giving it all away. I get more from giving then recieveing,(if that makes sence.)
I just wish at times that my family will tell me that i've done good in my life.
I'm the kind of guy that if I see a little kid's icecreme fall on the ground, i'd go buy them another one. I volunteer at the humane society, church, salvation army, schools, pools, and summer camps. I do it not to give back, but to take in. Helping people and animals makes people and animals happy.
My self-esteem has always been my biggest problem.
A lot of my feelings are traced back to my older brother, he's handicapped(one of the main reasons why I got picked on a lot at school.) As a kid I see my older brother laugh, and cry. I wonder to my self how can somebody that's mentally handicapped feel emotions. Like my brother, he's blind, and yet he laughs and cries. I told my parents (when I was 13) that I would start taking care of him,(they were to involved into their work to do anything)before they had my brother put in a hospital somewhere. I did it, all thru school. I would get him up, change him, bath him, put him in his wheel chair, feed him, roll him to his bus, come home from school, take my brother off the bus, out of his chair, change him, feed him dinner, bath him, and put him to sleep. I was still only 14 when I started doing this. I did this everyday for the next 7 years before I found him a verry nice nursing home.
My point is, doing this diddn't make my parents happy. They just figured that this would help me become a man. It did, don't get me wrong. Doing that also fucked with my emotions to the point when I wasn't no longer taking care of my brother I turned to drugs.
It makes me sad, err trying not to cry here. What if my older brother saw me like this, and told me what was I doing to my self.
This all goes back into the roots of my depression.
I just want to make my mom and dad happy for once.
Mariposa
Bluelight Crew
D_W, you have a good point. I wonder if a lot of people have read the original post, too! I'm quoting it here:
Original Post said:
stonedandrolling89
Bluelighter
Over the past few days, I've dazed off and began daydreaming about what would happen if I was to lose the last couple of things holding me together.
If all goes to hell in a handbasket, I'm throwing in the towel. As of this moment, I have a girl who loves me and a roof over my head, so I'm fine. But if I were to lose my girl and my home, I believe I'd just completely go off the deep end and blow my fucking brains all over the wall.
This can't be normal to be even thinking of such...
(and as far as history: plenty of attempts in the past, never succeeded though)
If all goes to hell in a handbasket, I'm throwing in the towel. As of this moment, I have a girl who loves me and a roof over my head, so I'm fine. But if I were to lose my girl and my home, I believe I'd just completely go off the deep end and blow my fucking brains all over the wall.
This can't be normal to be even thinking of such...
(and as far as history: plenty of attempts in the past, never succeeded though)
- Status