PT-
I have said before, if you feel that you are going to hurt yourself-GO TO THE ER.
totally agreed
wat happened to wat u were saying about this 'looking at urself in the mirror' and seeing wat we hav all bn trying to tell u?
if u havnt found a psychologist yet, one will come, u just hav to b patient, in the meantime, u know wat? dont u think its better to go inpatient than b dead?
esp wen maybe later ull suddenly feel better again if u just do the suggested things
instead of thinking...'oh ill take the easy way out'....think about how it may b the easy way for u but it sure isnt the easy way for the ppl who luv and care about u.....and dont say they rnt out there cos obviously Sean luvs u for a start
why is Sean acting cold and distant? maybe cos he feels like he wants to help but any time he tries to u wont take his advice? maybe hes scared of losing u?
u know wat, id b fucking grateful for having an inpatient service over here that wud take suicidal NZers in.....(well in auckland anyway - sounds like sweet P has a local hospital that will hospitalise u if u r suicidal.....but then maybe thats cos sweet P actually got as far as ODing)
i
wish i had somewhere i cud go to take me in wen i lose it due to all the circumstances atm in my life that r getting too much
isnt it awful that we hav to actually hav attempted and hav the scars (or ODs) to show it, over here, before well b hospitalised!
and dont just turn down the idea of the suicide hotline - wen ur so close to harming urself, u need to look at
all options
it worked for D's, why shudnt it work for others, including u?
and i know u dont want to go to rehab, but again, id do anything to b able to get into rehab for my meth problem
u think u can handle a meth/opiate addiction on ur own? the stats for that working r pretty unusual
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
uve bn to one rehab - u hated it (possibly largely cos u actually didnt hav a true drug problem back then or it was the 'wrong rehab' for u...im sorry but from wat ive heard of ur meth use its at least as out-of-control as mine currently - do u want to oneday end up like me???? and as far as opiates go, well if u havnt bn truly dopesick yet, u wait till u get lumbered with that....that sure is a barrel of laughs 8))
do some homework on the diffrent rehabs out there - including dual diagnosis ones (ones that take in drug addicts with mental illness too)
still ur an adult - i cant tell u to go to rehab, i can just say that from my observation u cud do with a stint in one, and thats coming from someone whos envious of the fact that rehab will take u!
sweet P - i dont want to get in some debate about this or anything, as this isnt about BPD its about suicide.....but mate, not evryone who self-harms, etc has BPD
BPD is actually pretty rare, and in NZ, IMO, its over-diagnosed
and truly, i was sent to an expert centre to b rehabilitated for it wen i was 'diagnosed' at st lukes (im not one to sit around on my ass not doing anything about a problem - if ive bn diagnosed with something i get help for it to make life easier for me/other ppl round me)
my first day i was there just to b interviewed, so they cud get some background info on me, and the interviewer joked 'u look pretty young - wat dont tell me? a kid with BPD?' (i do look young for my age....even now after yrs of P use....its not till u see the fangs that all becomes clear - or not-so-clear 8()
i said 'im 20' and that was wen she told me that i cudnt b diagnosed for BPD until i was 25, as my brain hadnt finished developing and doesnt do so until 25
id b curious to know who diagnosed u at
18 - was it, by any chance, ur district mental health services? cos if so, id get a second opinion (if u can afford it) once ur 25, from a decent place like procare etc
also, were u completely clean wen u were diagnosed?
ive bn on/off suicidal lately due to dropping my diazepam dose to 28mg and the constant circumstantial depression i live with
on top of the diazepam (plus problems with P, which i can only rely on drug counselling for as rehab want me to b off diazepam/methadone before i go....i wish i cud go as i want off P desperately and i know it adds to depression but after 10yrs on/off the stuff it is almost impossible in my situation not to use P wen im really down about things) well...:
- i had the gang-rape last yr im still trying to get over (i feel like a filthy whore wen i think about it enough....which i try not to)
- i broke up with my fiance, largely cos he turned out to not b the man i thought i was planning to marry
- my horse died and now its looking like my dogs going to hav to b put down too as hes always bn nervous-aggressive from the time he was thrown rocks at by kids as a puppy....now hes a large dog who has bitten 3 ppl, and the vet is advising us to hav him 'put to sleep' (i luv it how they put it like that....not exactly like the poor guys sleeping)....there will never b another Bolly (the horse) and certainly no other Ozzy (the dog)
- because of my on-going illness due to the diazepam reduction/methadone stabilisation (which will never fully happen until im fully off diazepam) i can no longer ride, which means my riding horses rnt getting ridden....and the one thats got a grand prix show-jumping career ahead of him, well im going to hav to lease him out....someone else may achieve my olympic dream on Maverick, and i know thats better than him being bored in the paddock (he keeps injuring himself galloping round the hill country and catching himself on wire fences as he jumps into other paddocks) but the idea kills me....i trained Maverick....for me, and were a team.....in fact no one else has ever bn able to get out of him wat i hav, i guess cos arabians r traditionally one-person horses
- my dad has written me a letter saying he never wants to see me again cos im so skinny and unhealthy-looking and hes ashamed of me (strangely he has a gf with anorexia so i think it was just an excuse)
- again cos of how sick i am i barely get to see any of my friends......last time i saw anyone it was my friends Ange (and hubby), Millie (and disgusting bf), Tereza, Steve, Scott and Katie.....plus i think my ex was there (Paul, my fiance) cos we were still together then....well i
think (like......ages ago, i cudnt tell u the date) and it was at Bollys funeral.....i hadnt even started to come off diazepam then, so yea im pretty lonely.....i go on BL, i talk to friends on the phone....its not the same and it never will b
- one of my closest friends (well more like only friends who hasnt completely deserted me and stopped ringing me) is probly (well super-possibly) going to end up in the slammer for at least 6 months......her court case is tomorrow, and yes i am going to that, sick as i am, but watching her being dragged off just cos shes hooked on the same drug i am sure wont b easy, esp as shes the kind of chick who cudnt handle jail
yea thats kinda a lot for anyone to bear with even without diazepam (and half the time methadone) wds to contend with
i agree that evrything like guns, knives, ropes and chemicals need to b kept from suicidal ppl
but thats only going to work to a degree
theres no one in this house except Mum and i and she works the usual 8hr day
since my last suicide attempt my poor mother has actually had to find ppl to 'babysit' me during the day - its degrading as im 25, but like i say, we dont hav the luxury of inpatient facilities here (luckily we belong to a church so we hav a lot of older christian friends who will gladly do so as all i do is lie in bed until my methadone kicks in, then i get up and help out with housework in any way i can)
if i was left to my own devices (which i am occasionally wen things seem to b going well) we often hav up to 3 bottles worth of methadone takeaways (and im currently stabilising on 157.5mg, wen ur stabilising 'done has a drowsier effect on u), a bottle of 500 2mg and a smaller bottle of like 30 5mg diazepam pills and a well-stocked liquor cabinet
i also usually hav a couple of grams of P on me 'just in case' (they feel like a 'security blanket')
yea Mum cud lock the liquor cabinet and leave out just enough valium/methadone for me to take for the day
if i was so desperate i cud just go out and score something else....or smash the fucking liquor cabinet
that or go on some mad P binge, hav a heart attack/stroke/take-ur-pick and die
ive given my beloved rifles over to my mum for her to give back wen im genuinely out hunting at the lodge (wont b doing much of that while im this sick), i dont possess a knife (i used to hav a switchblade but that was removed by the cops during a raid) and i wudnt even know how to make a noose and dont want to know
this is taking an awful toll on Mum - ive never seen her cry so much in my life, but im doing all i can to get help....
wat really stops me from going ahead and doing it (cos of course i cud if i really wanted to) is that i am, by nature an unselfish person
and i believe that if i committed suicide it wud b a selfish thing to do
i wud b hurting Mum, my bro (whether he acts like it or not deep down of course he loves me), the few friends i still hear from (Ange, Millie, Katie, Tereza, Jo and Marie) and probly even those that 'seem' to hav no time for me
id hurt my wider family (on Mums side) and whanau (on Dad's side)
and as a christian, yes i do believe that killing oneself is 'committing murder'
i believe the hard times r sent to try us, and if we make it thru them we come out the other side a better person - more empathetic (im certainly now way more empathetic towards those with depression), less judgmental, more wise and mature with a diffrent perspective on the world
yea the road i hav to walk is a long one to me.....but compared to wat others go thru perhaps its a grain of sand
consider this beautiful song written by (yes)
Iron Maiden
really take in the words (i might hav got some in the second verse wrong but if so then consider wat
my version is trying to say
)
SEA OF MADNESS
Out in the streets, somebody's crying
Out in the night, the fires burn
Maybe tonight, somebody's crying
Reached the point of no return
Ohhhhh my eyes they see but I can't believe
Ohhhhh my heart is heavy as I turn my back and leave
Like the eagle and the dove
Fly so high on wings above
When all you see can only bring you sadness
Like a river we will flow
On towards the sea we'll go
When all you do can only bring you sadness
Out on the sea of madness!
Somewhere I hear a voice that's calling
Out in the dark there burns a dream
You got to hope when you are falling
To find the world that you have seen
Ohhhhh my eyes they see but I can't believe
Ohhhhh my heart is heavy as I turn my back and leave
Like the eagle and the dove
Fly so high on wings above
When all you see can only bring you sadness
Like a river we will flow
On towards the sea we'll go
When all you do can only bring you sadness
Out on the sea of madness.....
It's madness
The sun don't shine
On the sea of madness
There aint no wind to fill your sails
Madness
When all you see can only bring you sadness
On towards the sea we go!
Out in the night somebody's crying
Out in the night the fires burn
Maybe tonight somebody's crying
They've reached the point of nooo return
Ohhhhh my eyes they see but I can't believe
Ohhhhh my heart is heavy as I turn my back and leave
Like the eagle and the dove
Fly so high on wings above
When all you see can only bring you sadness
Like a river we will flow
On towards the sea we'll go
When all you do can only bring you sadness
Out on the sea of madness....
Of madness....
Of madness....
Of madness....
Of madness....
_________________________________________________________
really read those words
it is, guys....its MADNESS
we dont hav to b like this
instead of flowing along that river towards the sea of madness, which only brings us sadness......why not follow the eagle and dove, and fly so high on wings above?
just a final thought - evry time i listen to that song i really think about wat i can possibly do to change my view on things
ridiculous that it takes a song to do that, but watever works for u
Good for you.
. Ive loaded them in the gun many times when ive felt suicidal and ive come very close to pulling the trigger and saying fuck it. Alcohol often makes suicidal feelings much worse and withdrawal sickness makes just about anyone feel abit suicidal let alone anyone like myself who has a mental illness like bipolar.
