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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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I'm very sorry for your loss, Selfmeditaker. Such a big part of your life gone in such an unnecessary way is very tragic... I hope you can learn to see how he made his own choices in life, and it is not your fault that he decided to take his own life. If you took yours, someone else would feel just as guilty and bad that they didn't 'see it' in you before you did it.
That's what keeps me going most of the time... I know people would feel guilty, and betrayed, and sad if I killed myself. Maybe not a whole bunch of people, but enough to keep me here.

Take care.
 
^ thank you so much for your kind words. I know there wasnt a thing I or anybody else could of done to stop him. Nobody could of forseen it. Wish there was a crystal ball or something:\ I dont know you but from the bottom of my heart I would care if you checked out before your time. Take care and I'll "see" u around;)
 
I've been getting suicidal thoughts. I'm not feeling particularly depressed at the moment... I guess I've just taken a general disliking to life. Can't really be bothered with it any more. I don't see the point in continuing to struggle when things are unlikely to improve and I've got nothing to look forward to. The idea of shooting some air into my veins seems quite appealing to me at the moment, though I'm probably not going to act upon it. Too unmotivated to even kill myself. :\
 
Well I just feel kinda shitty tonight. I just woke up, at 8:30pm, so that doesn't help. It's just supposed to be such a family fucking holiday right now, and my family is very screwy and we haven't celebrated any holidays at all for a few years. I have some suicidal idealization, I'm not going to do anything... also been clean completely for a few days... so I think I might be feeling the effects of some slight benzo withdrawal, for example the reason I woke up so late was because I didn't sleep for two days before that. I don't know.
 
Crack Diesel said:
u guys ever heard the expression, "its not that i want to die, i just dont want to live"
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Yes. I feel this way. I don't want to die, but I don't want to continue living under these circumstances much of the time.

However, my desire to not die supersedes my disliking for life. So, I struggle onward. I recommend others do the same. Maybe thigns will turn around at some point in the near future. However, there is little future to being 6 feet under in a wooden box, with your friends and family grieving overtheir loss.
 
Fjones said:
However, there is little future to being 6 feet under in a wooden box, with your friends and family grieving overtheir loss.
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well said

there r two main reasons i dont kill myself no matter how bad things get:
1) im a christian - i believe that murder, including of myself, is basically a sin (of course i also believe sins r forgiven and this is not a statement im making to get into some stupid religious debate)
2) probly more importantly tbh.....evry time i come close to killing myself (except the times ive tried to kill myself while having a psychotic breakdown or under the influence of drugs) i picture my mum, who has given up so much for me over the last 5-odd yrs wen my drug habits really got out-of-control and has basically bn the only reason i didnt die, weeping over my coffin, and my dad attending my funeral just to say 'i told u so' (he didnt believe id make it to 25, my current age)

however i do relate to not wanting to die but not wanting to live - i feel this way often
usually wen im desperate with depression and i almost feel devoid of emotion after a meth binge
that or wen i lower my benzo dose
or need to put up my methadone
thats wat i mean by evrything to do with depressive feelings that im affected by r caused solely by drug use

also, crack diesel, wen u say 'instead of killing myself i just do drugs'.....unfortunately if u r to face the music there, thats another way of saying basically 'i am killing myself (albeit slowly - some drugs will kill u faster than others but theyll all get u in the end)'
i realise i do drugs too, but im weaning myself off valium currently, then after 6 months longer of being on methadone after im fully off valium (as the fact is i cant actually stabilise on the stuff while im coming off a benzo that masks opiate wds) i plan to tackle weaning off methadone.....then wen im fully off methadone, 3 months later (ie. no longer suffering from physical opioid wds, no matter how mild) im going into rehab to finally face methamphetamine full-on
basically wat im trying to say is i dont want drugs to b the death of me, so im putting up with possibly up to 5yrs+ of getting off them slowly and painfully, sacrificing a lot of the gd things in my life (i cant do most of the outdoor fast-paced hobbies i hav like show-jumping and hunting while in benzo or opioid wd) but its worth it cos maybe deep down i really do want to live
i just dont feel like it 100% of the time atm

lasthurrah, if ur coming of benzos (and if u were on a high dose i dont recommend CT - even a low dose CT can b reallllly nasty for some ppl.....i can barely take dropping 1mg/month/valium!) i can tell u one of the worst psychological symptoms of benzo wd is suicidal ideations
hence why im frequently posting in this thread not just to give others advice but to vent, myself, lately
i suggest u come off benzos under a doctors supervision only or any number of things cud go wrong, physically or mentally
benzo wds make me go really doo-lally - ive ended up in the police cells with the mental health crisis team abating me and a nurse giving me a fat shot of antipsychotics after a psychotic breakdown where i tried to kill myself just recently thanks to a drop in my valium that i did a little too fast (psychologically im not a benzo addict - i hate the things - my stupid psychiatrist led me to believe, naively that if i stuck to 2mg rivotril id never hav to come off it....obviously hed never studied the rebound effects of benzos but anyway....)

take care of urselves evryone
one thing i try to tell myself even wen im realllly down, is that theres always got to b someone whos got it worse off than me....and if theyre hanging in there and not committing suicide then why shud i?
 
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hey DW,

I take 1mg of klonopin a day at night (usually), for 2-3 weeks at a time when I'm having really anxious periods. So I'm just off it right now. To avoid the rebound addiction as you call it. Not going to lie, I also abuse it once in a while (take 2-4 mg), maybe once a week. Usually it's no big deal, it's just something is weird this time and it kind of is reminding me of when I was detoxing off of 0.5mg/day kpin about a year ago in PTSD treatment - I was up for 4 days! Because of 0.5mg of klonopin a day. Never would have thought, I was on it for 3 years but that's such a tiny dose. So anyway, I'm okay thanks for asking :)
 
It's not that I'm afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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Another Woody Allen quip on death 'It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.' Of modern 'comics' he might be the one that does the death topic the most consistently over the years.
 
lasthurrah19 said:
hey DW,

I take 1mg of klonopin a day at night (usually), for 2-3 weeks at a time when I'm having really anxious periods. So I'm just off it right now. To avoid the rebound addiction as you call it. Not going to lie, I also abuse it once in a while (take 2-4 mg), maybe once a week. Usually it's no big deal, it's just something is weird this time and it kind of is reminding me of when I was detoxing off of 0.5mg/day kpin about a year ago in PTSD treatment - I was up for 4 days! Because of 0.5mg of klonopin a day. Never would have thought, I was on it for 3 years but that's such a tiny dose. So anyway, I'm okay thanks for asking :)
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for 2-3 weeks u shud b fine
its wen it gets longer than a month that things get problematic

as for abusing the klonopins - all i can say is as long as ur careful and dont do so enough to become physically addicted, who am i to judge? i cant imagine wanting to abuse benzos but diffrent strokes for diffrent folks
the main thing is that we u go on the benders of taking higher doses that u dont end up (afterwards) feeling really depressed
even being on benzos can cause depression in some ppl - hence the name 'depressant'

klonopin is the same thing as rivotril, which is wat i was on (clonazepam)
its one of the strongest benzos (as strong as xanax, just lasts longer and comes on slower)
0.5mg=10mg diazepam
thats not a tiny dose

i hav seizures dropping 1mg diazepam (now im an epileptic but i also get other horrible symptoms....the worst probably being the intense muscle spasms which cause my already painful muscles - i have fibromyalgia - to get so sore ive bn put on codeine/DHC that im allowed to take for the week it takes me to stabilise)
maybe im just sensitive to benzos but fuck i cant imagine the agony of dropping 10mg
and i really wud b suicidal

just something to watch out for
 
Honestly I don't even get 'high' or anything when I take extras. I have a lot of anxiety and even when I take the couple extra I don't get loopy or anything, just feel more 'normal'. I haven't talked to my doc about upping the dose because I don't want to start upping and upping it, I'm not sure he would be keen on it either. But my anxiety is usually through the roof, especially the last month or so... but I'm doing trauma work so it's kinda something I was expecting and need to deal with without a lot of benzos.
I'm sorry it's so hard for you with your weaning - sounds like you're very sensitive to it, but with a seizure disorder that makes a lot of sense. I'm glad you're being careful and taking it slowly and as comfortably as possible.
 
lasthurrah19 said:
Honestly I don't even get 'high' or anything when I take extras. I have a lot of anxiety and even when I take the couple extra I don't get loopy or anything, just feel more 'normal'. I haven't talked to my doc about upping the dose because I don't want to start upping and upping it, I'm not sure he would be keen on it either. But my anxiety is usually through the roof, especially the last month or so... but I'm doing trauma work so it's kinda something I was expecting and need to deal with without a lot of benzos.
I'm sorry it's so hard for you with your weaning - sounds like you're very sensitive to it, but with a seizure disorder that makes a lot of sense. I'm glad you're being careful and taking it slowly and as comfortably as possible.
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I can relate to what you're going through in some ways. I was first prescribed Kolonopin 0.50mg 3x a day as needed for extreme panic attacks/night-terrors/ as well as I have RLS(restless leg syndrome) about 6 years ago due to a suicide of a sibling that shattered my world beyond repair. With the K-pin I also took Zoloft and tried Remeron. About 2 years ago I was bumped up to 1mg of K-pin 3x a day, it was my doctor's idea because I was going through yet another extremely painful/depressing/stressful time of my life. I would become so stressed and panicky that my hands would shake for hours at a time and be constantly sweating like a horse that just ran a 100 miles non-stop. With time and with a lot of therapy I began to get a little better and soon I was at the point that I only need 1-1.5mg of the pins a day. 1mg always at night and the 0.50mg during the day. Well after noticing that I had a whole bunch of k-pins building up I would take more than RX'd once, maybe two times a week, never more. It the usual dose would range between 5-8mg. It like you said didn't get me "high" but made me feel much more relaxed and gave me a feeling like I was some what normal. I think that there isn't any harm in doing that every so often. Self-medicating the that way you feel helps you the most is totally o.k! Im big on Self-medicating, hence the screen name;) This doesn't mean Im saying its o.k to go back to an addiction or a DOC that makes you "think" that your happier but really is just making things worse. Theres a huge difference but I've been rambling enough so I'll stop!!

With the posts I've read about the horrible things you have gone through just know that you are making progress! A lot of people would have given up by now, and that my friend is the best progress you can make, not throwing in the towel. Keep your chin up and your eyes open;)
 
What is the point really? I have proven time and time again that I am totally worthless, no use to anyone anymore. Why live if there is no point to it?
 
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