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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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I felt suicidal last night because i was in so much pain. Even the morphine wasent cutting it. Not at normal doses anyway so i took abunch with dimenhydrinate and clonazepam and nodded the fuck out.

This morning was the same deal. Woke up in agony. Ive had my share of hard times and ive litterally felt like i was in hell. But i don't think i could ever kill myself now.

For everyone else feeling like canceling the gig hang in there. Things will get better.
 
sorry to anyone feeling suicidal - i am getting more and more familiar with this feeling
happens evry time i get towards the last week or so before i do my next diazepam drop (im dropping 1mg/month) due to rebound wds
then wen i drop it gets even worse until i put up my methadone and stabilise on the new level of diazepam :(
benzo wds r easier for some than others - theyve bn hell for me

anyway, to answer a couple of u - d_p, it does suck that we hav to rely on other ppl but ur not alone in this
im 25 and because i dont hav a car, plus im currently having seizures fairly often, i hav to get a ride to pick up my doses - i cud walk up on a gd day but since i started withdrawing from my valium my fibromyalgia has bn aggravated and my muscles r so painful wen i first get up cos its winter here so COLD im just not up to walking anywhere
also i feel embarrassed by this but i hav to hav someone watching me most days as my seizures r so out of control, as is my asthma, neither hav bn so bad before - i spend little time at home and a lot of time at friends houses being watched
hows that for loss of freedom?
it adds to my depression
get back to me on wat uve managed to figure out with the methadone by PM <3

spork - i think u need to find a diffrent therapist
wen ur therapist doesnt take a patient being reported as suicidal its time to sack them - theyre not doing their job
ur mental health services sound about as gd as ours
im curious - it says u live in 'WI'.....is this wisconsin? (im not in the US as u see)
in the US cant u go into the ER wen ur suicidal? (u cant do that here - the police/mental health crisis team deal with suicidal patients and not well)
maybe if ur feeling like that again u shud go to the ER - i hate hospitals so id understand if ur the same but if it saves ur life uve got to do wat uve got to do
theres bn times ive wished desperately the ER (ED we call it) wud take suicidal patients!
also theres only so many times u can take naps by knocking urself out with clonazepam.......after all, IME this is one of the most addictive drugs out there, and is the reason, ironically enough, that im going thru seizures and suicidal ideation sometimes lately!

mia, hun, wats up? PM me if u like <3
 
Outofclosetlurker - hey - i can see why ur hurting....totally understand, hun
BUT i want u to try and look at it from another perspective (sometimes thats all we hav to do to lift our spirits ebough to.....not stop us feeling bad.....but at least stop us feeling dangerously bad

u didnt lose ur job cos of anything u were doing wrong
u r not an incompetent, lazy or bad worker
they had to let some ppl go - unfortunately one of them was u!

at mums work, since its a govt dept (since a new govt has come into parliament theres a new policy to hav less free govt services available) a lot of ppl there hav bn laid off
we were praying mum wudnt b
she wasnt but a luvly lady whos her friend was and shes new to auckland, still paying off her new mortgage, a solo mother, supporting HER elderly mother and her 2 teenagers, plus her 2 grandchildren (her third child is a junkie whos left school and left her with these young kids while he lives at the gang HQ of the gang he belongs to)

its bn a disaster but this woman is a faithful christian and she keeps being cheerful - she even looks after me some days wen i cant find anywhere else to go, and i help her with the little boys and pay her to watch me and keep me safe
she focusses on wat she has rather than wat she hasnt got
she knows shes living on the bones of her ass but she just puts her trust that God will provide her with watever she and her family needs - and he hasnt made her go hungry yet.....also ppl from our church give her as much as they can to help out
she gets food parcels from the salvation army (i believe they exist worldwide and im sure they hav food parcels/soup kitchens where u r if u get desperate)

i dont know if ur a christian or hav any other faith/higher power but this majorly helps how ur outlook on life is so ive found (i know cos im not ashamed to say im a christian too - im not going to go round preaching as this isnt the place to do it, but its bn partly wats kept me from topping myself......christians believe murders a sin, including self-murder....doesnt mean some of us dont do it, were only human, but having a faith gives me more hope and comfort)

even if u dont hav a faith just remember to look at the bright things in ur life - im sure ull never lose evrything
do u hav benefits where u r?
if so, apply for one quickly, get help from someone compiling a professional CV (if u think u can do a gd job of this urself then do so urself) and start job-hunting instead of letting urself wallow in ur misery

if u want help with the CV and in ur country u dont hav a govt agency that helps ppl make CVs, well thats wat my mums company does!
u know my email, as we used to b e-pals and u helped me thru a hard time.....my turn to return the favour!

send me all ur qualities in a list and list ur qualifications as well, then all the jobs uve done as well as ppl who wud recommend u to others if they were rung (forgotten the name.....referees or something, some 'r' word.....8)) plus their numbers (just locally - were not going to ring them!), making sure uve checked with them that theyll happily recommend u to other potential employers
my mum will make u a professional CV and ill email it back (dont forget to add ur full name/addy/DOB/email/ph at home and cell ph - dont worry u know im trustworthy) free of charge

b prepared for plenty of potential employers to turn u down (dont know wat the job markets like where u r but its shit over here atm.....lots of ppl getting laid off due to this govt dept thing) but remember its nothing personal
persevere and u will get a job

meanwhile to keep ur spirits up take walks in beautiful places with ur dog (u hav a dog eh?)
do favours for others like volunteering for something like riding for the disabled (i know u like animals) - helping others always lifts ur spirits
see friends u like seeing and do things that dont cost money like picnics etc
draw/paint/write/anything artistic - expressing urself helps u let go of ur feelings
think of a list of things u like about urself (this is hard at first) then say them in front of a mirror (self-affirmations....do this evry day, esp wen u r feeling low

others with other recommendations, feel free to add on.... ;)

wen u look at things with a glass half-full instead of a glass half-empty, or even just tilt the object u r looking at called life, another perspective can fall into place - i hope ive planted some of that perspective in u

u can hold it together hun - uve bn thru worse and come out the other end....u r a survivor OK!
 
Outofclosetlurker said:
I hurt, I'm depressed. Lost my job today due to layoffs at work. No money coming in...feeling desperate. I'm not sure I can hold it together this time...
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You can hold it together man. It sucks know that every cunt is being layed off because of this stupid recession but hang in there man.

If you ever wanna talk hit me up via PM.

Hang in there man.
 
thanks so much guys. I'm feeling better today I think. I still have a few more weeks to work and they're going to help us (they hired an outside company) to help us get prepared for looking for work. Thank so much DW for the offer thru your mum, I may take you up on that, although I think they may help us with that at work while we're till there.

I will take my dog for walks (more regularly now). She loves "exploring" new places and new "smells" lol. Right now I'm trying to work as many hours as I can, while I can. I can get benefits after work is finished and the more hours you've worked the higher your benefits will be. It's only going to work out to 55 percent of my wages, not much at all, but it's something.

Thanks again for the support.
 
theres the 'glass half-full' attitude already hun <3
give ur dog a hug for me - animals raise endorphins - those in close contact with them live longer lives, thats why ppl take their cats and dogs round to nursing homes!
much luck <3
 
^^I dont know whether I wasnt looking hard enough or what but I hadnt seen you around DW and I was actually really worried a lot.

Ya know how your mind somtimes plays tricks on yourself and you always think of the worst...well yeah I had it all played out in my head that while I was i rehab and therefor not able to go on here that maybe you relapsed and something happned to you DW, you dont know how happy I am to see your here and posting :) hope your doing well hey, hi btw ;)

Ill write you a pm when im a bit more sober.
 
Just wanted to check in and say I'm feeling much better. I think I can handle the emmotional highs and lows, but being so broke as I was a few days ago I can't. It scares the shit out of me and I feel hopeless.

I think I have enough to cover my bills, but I doubt anything to save. Oh well, still better than I was a few days ago I guess.
 
drug_wench said:
theres the 'glass half-full' attitude already hun <3
give ur dog a hug for me - animals raise endorphins - those in close contact with them live longer lives, thats why ppl take their cats and dogs round to nursing homes!
much luck <3
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Thanks DW. You're the best!! <3 Feeling not too bad today, probably cause it's my day off. Work has been so depressing with everyone so upset and worried. We're all in the same boat so we all know what we're all going through mentally but it's just a really depressing, sad place to be. At least they'll be providing those workshops to help us get ready for job hunting so that's good. The economy is really bad here too so that doesn't help for anyone out of work. Going to take the dog for a nice walk in a few minutes. It does lift my spirits, she enjoys it so much. She always finds something "interesting" to check out!!! 8o
 
no ketaman - ur mind hasnt bn playing tricks on u
i had to take a mental health break from modding for a month or so but im back, maybe not entirely recuperated but if i waited for that to happen id b waiting yrs and i cant b without my beloved friends on TDS so i waited to get past the worst of the storm and am back
excellent to hear u took the plunge and went to rehab - send me that PM still, catch me up on the goss and how ur stay went!

mia - emotional highs and lows, as ull know, r a big part of the shit both u and i hav bn playing with for yrs
of course bills dont help but sometimes the other stuff (unless uve slowed down/quit?) can take things and spin them out of perspective if u know wat i mean
ur feeling better now but b prepared for the next time it hits again and just do wat i always do - just try and remember that its chemicals playing with my head and in a few days time i cud b feeling totally diffrently
if wat im hinting about u r in no way involved with im assuming, therefore making an ass out of u and me so sorry if ive done so, otherwise they call it the 'bender' or being 'spun' for a reason

outofcloset - glad to hear ur a little chirpier too
it comes with time off
i needed time off being a mod as i was under pressure and getting burnt out
maybe ur feeling the same
savour those days u can relax and b with ur 4-legged best friend
if u r jobless for awhile i assume u hav some money saved - my suggestion is live as economically as poss (were pretty dirt poor and saving to get me into an expensive rehab so we r blessed that we own a hunting lodge off the ranges down the centre of the north island, where my cousin lives currently and sends us plenty of the venison/pork he shoots, plus the farm mutton/lamb, venison and the odd beef animal - we dont hav many cattle and we breed a special breed, standing a stud bull and evrything, and the others r sold as youngsters for showing or used for the western horses my cousin breeds to practise cutting/drafting/rodeo sports with....wish i cud remember wat the breeds called, theyre gorgeous cattles, creamy colour and gigantic [name starts with an 's' or a 'ch'] plus we eat a lot of vegetarian meals.......kidney beans in stews, etc, lots of spinach and watercress for iron.....bah u get it!)
meanwhile, relax and enjoy doing as many inexpensive things as poss - enjoy the outdoors as u can in the northern hemisphere atm ;)
 
I havnt felt suicidal since i took myself off my perscription meds, but when i was depressed id drive to the woods and spend some time away from everything and everyone. make a shelter, fish for food, set traps for game, etc. always took my mind off what was bothering me because i was too busy to have time to think about anything but staying fed and warm, and no people around to bother or criticize me. dono if the woods is your thing but it always helped me. currently jobless with Very little saved and my car just broke down 180 000 KM before it should have, not quite depressed yet but if anything more goes wrong im in trouble.
 
well mark b, make sure u keep ur eye out on the signs u know meaning ur heading toward a bout of depression, then maybe try a short-term med for depression (im not a fan of SSRI/SNRIs personally - id say try wellbutrin first, and if that makes u too jittery, try tricyclics....ive had success from nortriptyline)
if u can get away with going unmedicated and 'run to the hills' (aka. go camp out in the woods) by all means, this is healthier!

i, too, am a fan of going and living in the wild wen i can, to relax my mental health
because of my health problems and being dependent on medication for these, plus the current situation - being on MMT and a valium reduction program - im limited from actually camping in the 'woods' (or 'forest' as we call it over here)
however, the hunting lodge i was talking about just happens to b on a 17 acre block bordering on the Kaimanawa Ranges (like theres gates into the bush from the property where my cousin and i hav whacked down trails for the horses to make it easier to gallop once the dogs sniff out game)

so wat we do is sleep in the house and i take my valium periodically during the night, get up early to drive into the closest city (Taupo) to drink my methadone then drive back, hav a quick shower and some homemade toast with manuka honey (again made by us - the manuka is all thru the bush) - then we spend the day hunting and gathering and return back wen it gets dark, wash the horses down and turn them out, prepare the meat weve shot (giving all the guts etc to the dogs - and if we get a stag thats always a bonus as deer velvet is excellent for methamphetamine withdrawal.....so i keep a load of it with me)
then we cook up a fresh leg of venison/rabbit stew/watever meat weve collected, and add plenty of wild watercress

wen i go down to the lodge i never want to come back cos i forget about depression and drug addiction - i dont touch meth (i dont hav time!) which is my biggest set-off for a bout of depression as ive used the stuff on-off for 10yrs now and my brains just burnt out from it

trouble with meth (and again im talking methamphetamine not methadone tho im on that too - thats scripted tho) is that wen ur fighting depression already for other reasons, meth is just going to make u feel worse
i feel great right now, rambling on, high on meth, but hey wait till i crash
im already needing to up my methadone, and im on my last week before i drop my valium by 1mg again (i tend to go into benzo rebound wd by this stage) so im uncomfortable because of that
the odds that im going to b depressed again - and possibly hav suicidal ideations again - wen i come down from the crystal, is fairly likely
so i put it off (coming down i mean)
and the longer i leave it the worse the comedown is
vicious vicious circle :\

im not a naturally depressed person - naturally anxious yes - but all this fucking with drugs has changed me a fair bit....
 
EastOfEden, do you have a favorite food or a favorite kind of weather? Is their any movies you have been waiting for to be released? Are there any subjects you have always wanted to learn about? When one feels especially bad sometimes it helps to take pleasure in small things. Depression can tend to make bad things seem worse and really good things seem insignificant. I'm hoping you will feel better soon. You might check out the depression mega-thread and see if any of the many resources there seem workable.
 
EastOfEden said:
i want to live but i have nothing to live for
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I have nothing to live for, but if I do live there's a possibility in the future I'll have something to live for...just a thought.

Feel free to post more about how you are feeling, or if you're not feeling when you think you should be - whatever you want, stay connected with us, you know. We are each human beings, just like you, behind a computer... I know that's very obvious, but I'm another human being like you who cares, I think I forget sometimes I'm talking to another living breathing human when I post on message boards - so anyway, I have you in my thoughts, please post some more.
 
lasthurrah19 said:
I have nothing to live for, but if I do live there's a possibility in the future I'll have something to live for...just a thought.

Feel free to post more about how you are feeling, or if you're not feeling when you think you should be - whatever you want, stay connected with us, you know. We are each human beings, just like you, behind a computer... I know that's very obvious, but I'm another human being like you who cares, I think I forget sometimes I'm talking to another living breathing human when I post on message boards - so anyway, I have you in my thoughts, please post some more.
Click to expand...

I love your opening sentence. It is very inspiring and is something that I will keep in mind. I have only thought about suicide a couple of times and that was right after my brother took his life. Even thoough it happened in what seems like a lifetime ago(a few years) I still think about it and him every day and still blame myself for not seeing it. We were best friends, i mean like we were intertwined. We had that identical twin type connection. Thanks for the positive post LastHurrah, your a peach:)
 
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