If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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i really want to die...
i'm HIGHLY addicted to heroin with an INSANE tolerance
my wd is indescribable
there are no places around me i can go to get help. they all require insurance. or are out of my county.
im just very lost.
back in november i recevied a 40,000 dollar settlement for a car accident i was in and its all gone to dope IN TWO MONTHS I SPENT 40GRAND ON FUCKING DOPE!!!!!!
i'm such a fucking dumbass loser peice of shit..
you have a chance man. two months is not long in terms of brain-upping-tolerance. if you spent 40 grand on dope over 3 years, you'd be quite fucked. but shorter term tolerance is much easier to shed. it shouldn't be TOO hard to get back to the tolerance you had 2 months ago

if you get another 40k settlement, use it to move to a place with a methadone clinic :)
 
^i agree
evryone has a chance

i owed 30K in smack just last yr - i found a way to pay it off (actually a dear rich friend sold her horse for me - and i am forever in her debt......u may not hav a friend like that but there will b a way)
u need to get to a drug counsellor and get some advice

and if uve bn long-term on junk or r a frequent relapser i cudnt recommend methadone more - its saved me for now (i dont plan to stay on it forever)
u want info on methadone, feel free to PM me

watever ur situation it isnt worth offing urself
ive had one too many thoughts of suicide recently - i even ended up being raced off in a police car and talked to by district mental health services for trying to slash my wrists recently
i was psychotic
now im on meds and theyre working
im depressed but not suicidal (im coming off benzos)

just think - if u kill urself u will never know the great times ahead that r in store for u
'There's a time for everyone if they only learn, that the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn' - Elton John, 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight'

plz always contact one of us mods if ur feeling suicidal - thats wat were here for
we dont want to lose u
 
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I constantly feel like suicide is basically my 'backup' plan if my life gets bad enough that I need to end it. But then again I'm usually so depressed all the time that I feel like I don't want to live anymore, so suicide is something I think about very often.

Yes I'm being medicated, but not well enough (it's always been tough for me to find the right medications), and yes I'm seeing a psychiatrist (actually 2 of them right now since I get suboxone from one and I'm seeing a new one soon), and I just started seeing a therapist although I just missed my last appointment so I don't know what's going to happen with that.

I really wish suicide was not on my mind so much, it holds me down a lot and makes me wonder what it would be like to just not be alive any longer. Hopefully one day I'll be free of this feeling and be happy not only with myself, but with what I surround myself with and where I am in life.

-dp
 
d_p, u hav bipolar right?
heres a bit of interesting info for u to think about

i was on suboxone maintenance wen i first left detox
i hav ADHD and i hav had several bouts of depression throughout my life
while i was on the suboxone i was feeling really unstable - i wud dose on it and straight after the dose id feel fine (i got up to the max dose - 32mg) then by the next morning id b depressed and just want to lie in bed all day
i didnt understand it
i thought the subs just werent holding me cos of the amount of china and other opioids id bn taking
yet there were ppl i saw on BL leading normal lives whod used higher amounts than me so it cudnt b that
i didnt understand it

then i went to my psychiatrist
wen i told him i was on bupenorphine he said that bupe had bn found to b unsuitable for some ppl with histories of depression/bipolar/ADHD/anything else to do with dopamine or serotonin imbalance
he told me to get off the stuff and switch to methadone

id always bn anti-methadone
why? fuck knows....id used it recreationally and over here we have to pick up our subs daily too, i think it was more the 'stigma' around being 'on the done'

now im so glad i walked into that methadone clinic, swallowed the disgusting stuff and sat being watched in the waiting room (i didnt even have to wait till the suboxone was out of my system for some reason that ill never fathom but maybe someone with a more advanced knowledge of meds will know this)
i went home and started to become the 'normal me' again
the only diffrence was that instead of sitting for wat seemed like hrs evry day in the back room of a pharmacy, waiting while 4 giant pills dissolved in my mouth i just had to go into the clinic each morning, swallow wat started out a little pottleful but alas has become more like a 3/4 cupful of bitter liquid (i wont stabilise on my methadone properly until ive fully come off valium) then head off and go about the rest of my day

if anything methadone makes me feel a bit more upbeat during the first 4hrs after ive dosed - then i feel briefly drowsy, nod off for like 10-20min at the most and go back to normal

maybe ur one of those ppl suboxone really fucks up....who knows
is there any way ud b ready to come off it at any stage or consider methadone (which is not the evil drug ppl like to make it out to b)?
 
d_p, u hav bipolar right?

I do have bipolar yes.

maybe ur one of those ppl suboxone really fucks up....who knows is there any way ud b ready to come off it at any stage or consider methadone (which is not the evil drug ppl like to make it out to b)?

I'd be willing to go on methadone right away, I've been told suboxone could be making me more depressed since I'm bipolar for a little while now, but I never really put much thought into it. Not to mention I don't have a license right now and wont for a while so going to a clinic every day to get my medication would be kind of hard. Is there anyway I'd be able to get a 2 week or 1 month script at a time?

-dp
 
Not to mention I don't have a license right now and wont for a while so going to a clinic every day to get my medication would be kind of hard. Is there anyway I'd be able to get a 2 week or 1 month script at a time?

-dp

hmmm, ud hav to talk to a methadone doctor about this
i dont know how it works in diffrent countries but the funny thing is theyre more lenient with methadone than with suboxone over here!

ive only bn on methadone since april (or maybe march....basically 3-4 months) yet im already allowed to get it at the pharmacy up the rd (and im even allowed takeaways twice a week)
they wud hav let me get my 'done from the pharmacy up the rd from the beginning apparently (well after id had my initial dose so they cud watch and check i wasnt reacting badly to it) - i just preferred to dose at the clinic cos a group of us wud go out to a cafe after wed dosed.....miss those guys!

the main thing is that i still check in evry now and then with my case manager and they fax thru to the pharmacy up the rd wen they want me to hav a doctors visit at the clinic
also if i want to put up my dose i hav to go thru the clinic but that shudnt b a problem for u - most ppl find a stable dose pretty fast, its just cos im coming off the benzos and constantly need to put my dose up

ud b most likely starting out on 20-40mg then slowly finding ur way up, going up 5mg evry 5 days until ur comfortable then u can b transferred from the clinic to watever pharmacy that doles out methadone is closest to u
sadly this does mean that for at least a short while until uve stabilised ud have to dose at a clinic.....however thats only if things work the same way over there as they work here

theres always point in asking a doctor who deals in methadone and explaining ur circumstances
they want to help u, after all, to stay off junk and lead a normal life - the point of methadone (and suboxone, but it doesnt sound like thats working for u....)
hope u can sort something out :)
 
^^Thanks for the information drug_wench. I am going to talk to my doctor about switching, I found out that there's a clinic right across the street from my dad's business he owns, which is good because then I'd have a ride every day to pick up my medication from either of my parents (it's sad though I can't do it myself, at my age I shouldn't need to rely on them :(). I'll let ya know how things work out and hopefully I can figure this out asap and get the help I need.

-dp
 
I'm starting to wonder if there is anything to look forward to anymore. It seems between the 2 of us, I share my bf burden as well. There is no way we can get out from the things we are under, or make any advancement. We both just sit, spinning our wheels, waiting for the shit to TRULY hit the fan. Why? Why bother putting yourself through that. I'm going no where fast...
 
You could take control of it by instead of waiting for it to fall apart, taking the measures you would take as if it has fallen apart, before it actually does...
Not that I have ever done that, just saying. hope things get better for you soon. I'm with you in the depression.
 
Like I said, I've racked my brain. There is no getting out from under it all. I'm just fucked. God, if it all comes crashing down...why put myself through another hell?
 
There are very few situations in which you actually have no choice. Not to say you are not in one of those situations, I don't know what your situation is.
 
I'm just not taking the time to explain ALL of them. Mine and his. This isn't a blog and I don't think I could face trying to write it all out and face even more how hopeless this situation is.
 
Ugh, I called the suicide prevention line and they just told me to call my therapist so I did that and she's not in today but they'd give her a message to call me. Still waiting for the call... I'm scaring myself more and more. :(
 
^Did you see your therapist last week?
Did she take you off of your meds?
Do you have a family member you can talk to........now, while you are waiting for the call?
Better yet, a family member to be with you in person? A friend you trust?
What about calling the hotline back and telling them you called your therapist and you are waiting for a call back but want to talk in the mean time??
You are a wonderful person.......please, don't do anything to hurt yourself. <3
 
Yeah, I see her again next week too. I don't see my psychiatrist for a few more weeks though to change meds or whatever.

My family knows that I'm being treated for depression/anxiety but I don't think they really care to know the extent of it and even telling them that I was having these issues took a TON of courage for me to do. I'm not very close to them at all.

I don't have any friends or family in the area. :\

I did think about calling the hotline back, but I don't have call waiting on my landline phone in case my therapist does call me back and I can't really use my cellphone because it doesn't work very well in my apartment.

I'm thinking about just taking enough clonazepam to make myself fall asleep and hope that I'll feel better after a nap.
 
OK I'm feeling a little bit better now, thanks ocean. <3

My therapist never called me back, which I'm kind of upset about but whatever I guess. :\
 
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