FentVaper-nomore?
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2015
- Messages
- 1
First post - First Rant/attempt at Journaling...
Seeking advice.
I just wish I could meet myself. I want to talk to me, ask advice of myself and allow myself to help me do what is told of me. I feel like nobody knows me better. There's just not anyone else who really understands or is in my exact situation.
There's no one else that thinks the way I do. There's no one that I would trust more. Nobody else would truly want to help me more. Nobody else would dedicate the time needed, at least not without compensation of some sort and/or leaving their life behind.
I wish I could rid of my addiction. I wish I could just smash it into a trillion pieces and just leave it behind. I wish it wasn't stronger than I was. I wish I never got it. I wish it never existed.
I need help. I want to do the right thing, but I still want to use too. I am scared to totally close the door. I am scared if I close one door, I may open another. I am ashamed of my using and of myself. I am ashamed that I can't get myself motivated enough to act and do the things I need to do to get my business back in order.
I am ashamed that I have lots of ideas and suggestions from others that I know will help a great deal in getting over the hard times when coming off an addiction and staying sober. I am ashamed of my addiction and for not being able to beat it. I ashamed to be me. It's been a long time since I've been ashamed to be me. I've been ashamed at things I've done or didn't do or said or didn't say but never totally with myself since maybe 16 to 18 years ago. Even then I didn't have very good reasons to feel that way. Now, I'm not so convinced.
Staying totally sober, not just from my DOC is so much scarier than everything combined. I don't know what to do when I'm overwhelmed. I just cave and want to hide physically and emotionally. I am terrible at getting the courage or the strength to do things I don't want to do or that I know will be hard or uncomfortable or that will make me anxious or afraid.
I have so much to lose by using/ continuing to use and so much to gain by not, but just knowing that alone isn't even enough. After hearing that it's like from the outside it would appear as though I don't care, or I'm not ready, etc. But I AM ready! I just don't know how to do it. IP Treatment and getting away from the drugs for three+ weeks helped A TON, the Vivitrol shot helps a ton with Alcohol and getting high off of opiates but it doesn't stop me from constantly wanting to do them, even knowing they won't do anything to do me, it also hasn't stopped me from trying to get high or drunk while on the shot.
The IP stay, ongoing therapy, addiction counseling & treatment plus the Vivitrol shot combined, along with participating in some sober activities, getting some exercise, doing some group therapy, on top of the support i get from my GF who was in recovery with me and went for 15 years of Alcoholism and has stayed clean... All of that just hasn't alone been able to do for me what I want or rather NEED...
That's why I want to meet me. He must know what I need. In fact I could list all of the things I might need but, that wouldn't mean me & my addiction would actually do/try them, which is why I need help from me too. The other me would help me through my days and get me where I need to be and keep me thinking about what it is I need to be thinking about and avoiding what I need to be avoiding.
I don't think meeting me and having another me around 24/7 is really an option. That's what really got me down. Now what? I have an idea I really think would work but it's simply not possible. Nope. Can't do it, sorry pal.
So what do I do now? How am I supposed to beat my constant will to want to want to feel good. Drugs make me feel good, or they at least make me think they do, which sometimes is enough.
But now, how am I supposed to beat something that doesn't even get me high or make me feel good? Something that I have no physical addiction to at this point, something that doesn't even work anymore. What must be SO Powerful that I even still get the urge to use it and break the law, seek it out, hide it from others, use it 20 times a day, and experience the shame all just to smell it, taste it and go through the ritual of getting high knowing I don't and won't get high off it. What kind of person does that??
What kind of addiction is so strong that it doesn't even NEED what it's being told to ask for by my Brain, for its opiate receptors to be stimulated with it's best pal. To allow for the dopamine to be released and for a user to feel high the receptors must be given their opiate or opiod. What kind of addiction once controled by receptors and their marriage with opiates manifests into a just as powerful physiological addiction to the drugs and the process of using.
My new battle with the physiological addiction i am fighting with The addiction I have to wanting to feel good and experience pleasure, but in the most effortless and instant way possible.
My battle with not being able to curb my urges to use a drug I know won't do anything for me, not even any of the side effects will be there...my battle with being scared and anxious about the future and how to even really think about living one day at a time when there are so many things that must be prepared for ahead of time and so much that must be done from the past to even begin to get caught up.
How do I get up and do anything I don't want to do, or even want to do sometimes, knowing I won't be able to alter my mood or get to artificially feel good at all before during or after. Nothing else can reward me more. Nothing else makes me want to get up and try to live a normal drug free life.
I feel like I need something external that I can do/take to instantly alter my mood and energy level or focus or desire at all times or I don't feel safe or comfortable. I need to be able to make difficult situations easier. I need to be able to take a break from my anxiety. I need to feel nothing but good for a few minutes. That's what I feel like I need but I don't want that either. What I want is to NOT need to feel that way. That's what I don't know how to do, not without meeting myself. Not without a life coach that there's 24/7 who completely understand me.
Am I unique? I think I am. But am I? Do other addicts feel this way? Do other addicts know what it's like to be able to buy and hold on to as much of your DOC of possible and have it not effect you financially. Do others know what it's like not to steal to support their habit. Do other addicts know what it's like to use the most powerful opiate there is at least 80 times a day for 4 years. Do other addicts understand how different vaporizing a drug is compared to other methods? A drug with a short powerful high similar only to the first 30 seconds of one of the best shots of your life. Do other addicts understand how much more addicting and powerful this drug is when vaporized? I don't think there's many that really do.
Am I unique that while I still ultimately want to do my drug of choice even knowing it doesn't get me high, I still want to and sometimes do use it but even then I'm not satisfied...I want to also find something else I can take that will give me the euphoria I am seeking. I have my ritual addiction covered and fed, but now I must find the way to actual alter my mood. I seek out and get fixated on finding something else to substitute the getting instsntly high portion of my addiction. How do I overcome this desire? How do I beat it as effortlessly as possible? If time and practice and simply not using anything is the simple answer, well how do I get through the time it will take? One day at time? That sounds like I need a lot of willingness to do difficult things without my ability to instantly alter my mood artificially and that just puts me back in the hole I barely crawled out of to write this journal entry.
If I can't talk to and meet myself maybe I need to talk to someone that does understand absolutely everything I mentioned about my thoughts and fentanyl addiction above. If this someone exists, do share.
I am lost. I am scared. I am unmotivated and I am hopeless. Help me, myself, or someone JUST like me, in all aspects please if u exist.
Other addicts similar stories and methods they used to succeed just have not yet struck a chord with me and given me any sort of 'AhhHaaa" moment. None have yet to give me what I am really looking for...perhaps it doesn't exist.
Seeking advice.
I just wish I could meet myself. I want to talk to me, ask advice of myself and allow myself to help me do what is told of me. I feel like nobody knows me better. There's just not anyone else who really understands or is in my exact situation.
There's no one else that thinks the way I do. There's no one that I would trust more. Nobody else would truly want to help me more. Nobody else would dedicate the time needed, at least not without compensation of some sort and/or leaving their life behind.
I wish I could rid of my addiction. I wish I could just smash it into a trillion pieces and just leave it behind. I wish it wasn't stronger than I was. I wish I never got it. I wish it never existed.
I need help. I want to do the right thing, but I still want to use too. I am scared to totally close the door. I am scared if I close one door, I may open another. I am ashamed of my using and of myself. I am ashamed that I can't get myself motivated enough to act and do the things I need to do to get my business back in order.
I am ashamed that I have lots of ideas and suggestions from others that I know will help a great deal in getting over the hard times when coming off an addiction and staying sober. I am ashamed of my addiction and for not being able to beat it. I ashamed to be me. It's been a long time since I've been ashamed to be me. I've been ashamed at things I've done or didn't do or said or didn't say but never totally with myself since maybe 16 to 18 years ago. Even then I didn't have very good reasons to feel that way. Now, I'm not so convinced.
Staying totally sober, not just from my DOC is so much scarier than everything combined. I don't know what to do when I'm overwhelmed. I just cave and want to hide physically and emotionally. I am terrible at getting the courage or the strength to do things I don't want to do or that I know will be hard or uncomfortable or that will make me anxious or afraid.
I have so much to lose by using/ continuing to use and so much to gain by not, but just knowing that alone isn't even enough. After hearing that it's like from the outside it would appear as though I don't care, or I'm not ready, etc. But I AM ready! I just don't know how to do it. IP Treatment and getting away from the drugs for three+ weeks helped A TON, the Vivitrol shot helps a ton with Alcohol and getting high off of opiates but it doesn't stop me from constantly wanting to do them, even knowing they won't do anything to do me, it also hasn't stopped me from trying to get high or drunk while on the shot.
The IP stay, ongoing therapy, addiction counseling & treatment plus the Vivitrol shot combined, along with participating in some sober activities, getting some exercise, doing some group therapy, on top of the support i get from my GF who was in recovery with me and went for 15 years of Alcoholism and has stayed clean... All of that just hasn't alone been able to do for me what I want or rather NEED...
That's why I want to meet me. He must know what I need. In fact I could list all of the things I might need but, that wouldn't mean me & my addiction would actually do/try them, which is why I need help from me too. The other me would help me through my days and get me where I need to be and keep me thinking about what it is I need to be thinking about and avoiding what I need to be avoiding.
I don't think meeting me and having another me around 24/7 is really an option. That's what really got me down. Now what? I have an idea I really think would work but it's simply not possible. Nope. Can't do it, sorry pal.
So what do I do now? How am I supposed to beat my constant will to want to want to feel good. Drugs make me feel good, or they at least make me think they do, which sometimes is enough.
But now, how am I supposed to beat something that doesn't even get me high or make me feel good? Something that I have no physical addiction to at this point, something that doesn't even work anymore. What must be SO Powerful that I even still get the urge to use it and break the law, seek it out, hide it from others, use it 20 times a day, and experience the shame all just to smell it, taste it and go through the ritual of getting high knowing I don't and won't get high off it. What kind of person does that??
What kind of addiction is so strong that it doesn't even NEED what it's being told to ask for by my Brain, for its opiate receptors to be stimulated with it's best pal. To allow for the dopamine to be released and for a user to feel high the receptors must be given their opiate or opiod. What kind of addiction once controled by receptors and their marriage with opiates manifests into a just as powerful physiological addiction to the drugs and the process of using.
My new battle with the physiological addiction i am fighting with The addiction I have to wanting to feel good and experience pleasure, but in the most effortless and instant way possible.
My battle with not being able to curb my urges to use a drug I know won't do anything for me, not even any of the side effects will be there...my battle with being scared and anxious about the future and how to even really think about living one day at a time when there are so many things that must be prepared for ahead of time and so much that must be done from the past to even begin to get caught up.
How do I get up and do anything I don't want to do, or even want to do sometimes, knowing I won't be able to alter my mood or get to artificially feel good at all before during or after. Nothing else can reward me more. Nothing else makes me want to get up and try to live a normal drug free life.
I feel like I need something external that I can do/take to instantly alter my mood and energy level or focus or desire at all times or I don't feel safe or comfortable. I need to be able to make difficult situations easier. I need to be able to take a break from my anxiety. I need to feel nothing but good for a few minutes. That's what I feel like I need but I don't want that either. What I want is to NOT need to feel that way. That's what I don't know how to do, not without meeting myself. Not without a life coach that there's 24/7 who completely understand me.
Am I unique? I think I am. But am I? Do other addicts feel this way? Do other addicts know what it's like to be able to buy and hold on to as much of your DOC of possible and have it not effect you financially. Do others know what it's like not to steal to support their habit. Do other addicts know what it's like to use the most powerful opiate there is at least 80 times a day for 4 years. Do other addicts understand how different vaporizing a drug is compared to other methods? A drug with a short powerful high similar only to the first 30 seconds of one of the best shots of your life. Do other addicts understand how much more addicting and powerful this drug is when vaporized? I don't think there's many that really do.
Am I unique that while I still ultimately want to do my drug of choice even knowing it doesn't get me high, I still want to and sometimes do use it but even then I'm not satisfied...I want to also find something else I can take that will give me the euphoria I am seeking. I have my ritual addiction covered and fed, but now I must find the way to actual alter my mood. I seek out and get fixated on finding something else to substitute the getting instsntly high portion of my addiction. How do I overcome this desire? How do I beat it as effortlessly as possible? If time and practice and simply not using anything is the simple answer, well how do I get through the time it will take? One day at time? That sounds like I need a lot of willingness to do difficult things without my ability to instantly alter my mood artificially and that just puts me back in the hole I barely crawled out of to write this journal entry.
If I can't talk to and meet myself maybe I need to talk to someone that does understand absolutely everything I mentioned about my thoughts and fentanyl addiction above. If this someone exists, do share.
I am lost. I am scared. I am unmotivated and I am hopeless. Help me, myself, or someone JUST like me, in all aspects please if u exist.
Other addicts similar stories and methods they used to succeed just have not yet struck a chord with me and given me any sort of 'AhhHaaa" moment. None have yet to give me what I am really looking for...perhaps it doesn't exist.
