Its ridiculous how fast a dependence on these drugs has built for me. I've used a short-acting benzo (Alprazolam) six times in the past three weeks at a low dose (.25-.5mg) and I'm already getting twitches, mental cravings, insomnia, and general over-stimulation. I had a six month spout several years ago where I drank every day, though not drunk a lot, then drank too much about a year ago for nine months (but at most four days a week and always waited until night). I also used to rail pretty much all of my Ambien prescriptions I got a couple years ago, though haven't for well over a year.
I might end up getting addicted because I'm going through a pretty rough time which has been going on for about a year. My friends don't really know me, I can't seem to get along with people; I've tried Lithium and Depakote which numb me and make me suicidal, Risperdal which numbs me in a different way and takes away much pleasure though makes me somewhat more agreeable, many SSRIs which slap a feel-good label on me for a few months, Ritalin the demon (fascism here I come) and Bupropion (which helps a lot lot lot lot lot lot in making me mature, collected, just, likable, and dynamic--as in is perfect but for that it also seems to make me stupid, interestingly).
Valerian works in place of benzodiazepines but has some other weird activity (serotonergic, I think) which makes me kind of loopy, I have to swallow A LOT of it to work well, and it would be more expensive; the same goes for Kava. Both I think set off my mania, though Kava more so.
I was on Holy Basil for a couple months and that helped. I'd drink loads of it every night. I might try it again.
Each time after I take something GABAergic I do get some withdrawal symptoms: maybe a couple twitches, a nasty feeling like something spidery is climbing over me whilst I sleep, extreme fatigue in the daytime, anxiety in the daytime, excessive sweating on the brow and hands, a foul mood, music playing non-stop in my head, itching, and strange and gruesome metaphorical epiphanies like the Ipod I hold in my hand while going on a walk is actually my heart. I managed to stay away from everything GABAergic for a month and a half. I believe my GABA receptors are damaged. Still I kind of wonder whether I should just not give a fuck; I don't mean it destructively though; I could just live routinely taking a GABAergic. Maybe my GABA receptors are just over-sensitive.
I remember experiencing some pretty bad anxiety after taking only about 6mg Clonazepam several years ago (though this was after the first drinking spout).
Recently I've tried taking Fish Oil 9200mg per day (along with green tea and coffee); its helped immensely with my weird atypical depression/anxiety/delusional behavior; it probably targets my symptoms more directly than a benzodiazepine. I've heard of people taking over ten grams per day for neurological disorders. Maybe I should increase the dosage.
The nueroleptic I'm on can cause brain damage just as a benzodiazepine can. Furthermore, taking the Benzodiazepine is probably more satisfying.
But if the benzo will lose effectiveness eventually what the fuck. As a counter to that, maybe its the push I need to get past this rough spot.
Sometimes I think that the whole problem was me taking psychiatric medication (in particular Bupropion) in the first place. Now I'm stuck with this chronic problem which is posing me some serious fucking danger. I don't go in public. I spend basically days of time in my room. I think everyone is fighting against me. I see these animistic games that humans play (called romance) and it sickens the fuck out of me; yet I don't conform so my primitive nature embarrasses me in front off everyone else due to bare excitement.
Basically I want to get through this semester but even being around people ravages my mind to no end. I'm caught in a void, which is to say my fucking head. Should I not go to school? If I do, would you begrudge me the benzodiazepine? Even .5mg Risperdal a day makes me way noticeably less intelligent, so no more than .25mg of that for me. The Benzodiazepine does make me less intelligent, but not so much by my guess. And eventually (no more than a year on the nueroleptic, please) I plan to get off that stuff so I don't incur brain damage; the same might not go for the benzodiazepine.
But I need to make a decision in the next couple days whether to go to school this semester or not. Transferring to this university is my hope and greatest dream right now (its been for years); if I wait a semester I'll have less of a chance of getting in. If I fuck up my mind by going I may never get out of this; if I don't go I may sink deeper and become a degenerate; and then there's of course the drug issue.
This issue is a game played by me against me, enabled by isolation but also as an accommodation for such. Its probably a way to keep me from real Insanity.
I am not like a typical benzodiazepine user. I love speech-making (though I do freak out while making a speech when in any GABAergic withdrawal--which I stated happens basically after any dose of a GABAergic), I am a leader, I stay chill in official situations (but informally I actually sometimes become very very domineering and twitchy when excited and don't notice I'm turning people off, which is related to anxiety), and I generally have great acting skills. My ability to delve into my subconscious as well as extensive informal knowledge of the human's psychological underpinnings makes (in addition to my anger and distress) makes it very easy for me to manipulate someone else's psyche, though I know its wrong. Its my only recourse of action for the world putting me in this shit-position.
I know I'm no better than anyone else; I seek no inherent superiority (don't get me started on "smart" or "intelligent"); and for my beliefs I've been reduced to this, so now I am a fighter against the human race. I don't consider myself human.
I don't think I'm actually psychotic though I do spend a lot of time posing hypotheses and counter-hypotheses in my head, so as to almost entertain different personalities.
I've spent the summer pretty much in my house, and can't get past the idea that someone has to pay.
Again, this has been going on for about a year and it needs to end. I essentially view human intimacy as one megalomaniacal power game, and am despicably self-absorbed.
Does anyone have supplement/herbal suggestions?
Clarifications? I will not judge judgmental responses; I have a clear explanation for any perceived inconsistency in my writing.
I might end up getting addicted because I'm going through a pretty rough time which has been going on for about a year. My friends don't really know me, I can't seem to get along with people; I've tried Lithium and Depakote which numb me and make me suicidal, Risperdal which numbs me in a different way and takes away much pleasure though makes me somewhat more agreeable, many SSRIs which slap a feel-good label on me for a few months, Ritalin the demon (fascism here I come) and Bupropion (which helps a lot lot lot lot lot lot in making me mature, collected, just, likable, and dynamic--as in is perfect but for that it also seems to make me stupid, interestingly).
Valerian works in place of benzodiazepines but has some other weird activity (serotonergic, I think) which makes me kind of loopy, I have to swallow A LOT of it to work well, and it would be more expensive; the same goes for Kava. Both I think set off my mania, though Kava more so.
I was on Holy Basil for a couple months and that helped. I'd drink loads of it every night. I might try it again.
Each time after I take something GABAergic I do get some withdrawal symptoms: maybe a couple twitches, a nasty feeling like something spidery is climbing over me whilst I sleep, extreme fatigue in the daytime, anxiety in the daytime, excessive sweating on the brow and hands, a foul mood, music playing non-stop in my head, itching, and strange and gruesome metaphorical epiphanies like the Ipod I hold in my hand while going on a walk is actually my heart. I managed to stay away from everything GABAergic for a month and a half. I believe my GABA receptors are damaged. Still I kind of wonder whether I should just not give a fuck; I don't mean it destructively though; I could just live routinely taking a GABAergic. Maybe my GABA receptors are just over-sensitive.
I remember experiencing some pretty bad anxiety after taking only about 6mg Clonazepam several years ago (though this was after the first drinking spout).
Recently I've tried taking Fish Oil 9200mg per day (along with green tea and coffee); its helped immensely with my weird atypical depression/anxiety/delusional behavior; it probably targets my symptoms more directly than a benzodiazepine. I've heard of people taking over ten grams per day for neurological disorders. Maybe I should increase the dosage.
The nueroleptic I'm on can cause brain damage just as a benzodiazepine can. Furthermore, taking the Benzodiazepine is probably more satisfying.
But if the benzo will lose effectiveness eventually what the fuck. As a counter to that, maybe its the push I need to get past this rough spot.
Sometimes I think that the whole problem was me taking psychiatric medication (in particular Bupropion) in the first place. Now I'm stuck with this chronic problem which is posing me some serious fucking danger. I don't go in public. I spend basically days of time in my room. I think everyone is fighting against me. I see these animistic games that humans play (called romance) and it sickens the fuck out of me; yet I don't conform so my primitive nature embarrasses me in front off everyone else due to bare excitement.
Basically I want to get through this semester but even being around people ravages my mind to no end. I'm caught in a void, which is to say my fucking head. Should I not go to school? If I do, would you begrudge me the benzodiazepine? Even .5mg Risperdal a day makes me way noticeably less intelligent, so no more than .25mg of that for me. The Benzodiazepine does make me less intelligent, but not so much by my guess. And eventually (no more than a year on the nueroleptic, please) I plan to get off that stuff so I don't incur brain damage; the same might not go for the benzodiazepine.
But I need to make a decision in the next couple days whether to go to school this semester or not. Transferring to this university is my hope and greatest dream right now (its been for years); if I wait a semester I'll have less of a chance of getting in. If I fuck up my mind by going I may never get out of this; if I don't go I may sink deeper and become a degenerate; and then there's of course the drug issue.
This issue is a game played by me against me, enabled by isolation but also as an accommodation for such. Its probably a way to keep me from real Insanity.
I am not like a typical benzodiazepine user. I love speech-making (though I do freak out while making a speech when in any GABAergic withdrawal--which I stated happens basically after any dose of a GABAergic), I am a leader, I stay chill in official situations (but informally I actually sometimes become very very domineering and twitchy when excited and don't notice I'm turning people off, which is related to anxiety), and I generally have great acting skills. My ability to delve into my subconscious as well as extensive informal knowledge of the human's psychological underpinnings makes (in addition to my anger and distress) makes it very easy for me to manipulate someone else's psyche, though I know its wrong. Its my only recourse of action for the world putting me in this shit-position.
I know I'm no better than anyone else; I seek no inherent superiority (don't get me started on "smart" or "intelligent"); and for my beliefs I've been reduced to this, so now I am a fighter against the human race. I don't consider myself human.
I don't think I'm actually psychotic though I do spend a lot of time posing hypotheses and counter-hypotheses in my head, so as to almost entertain different personalities.
I've spent the summer pretty much in my house, and can't get past the idea that someone has to pay.
Again, this has been going on for about a year and it needs to end. I essentially view human intimacy as one megalomaniacal power game, and am despicably self-absorbed.
Does anyone have supplement/herbal suggestions?
Clarifications? I will not judge judgmental responses; I have a clear explanation for any perceived inconsistency in my writing.
