johnrottingliver
Greenlighter
Ok so iv using opiates for a while now. And due to not being able to reliably find tar, i been smoking feddy. Now heres the deal. My family has a history of very bad veinous return. Now couple that with about 10 years of shooting heroin and speed. When i go to get blood drawn or need an iv at the hospital, they have to poke and prod for close to an hour before they find a good vein if they dont have a highly skilled tech. I stopped IV drug use around 3 or 4 years ago after i started smoking fedy. Now when i started smoking fedy i started having problems with my right foot. I was always in pain, couldnt walk without a limp, would get gnarly cramps, would wake up to my calf feeling like my veins were on fire and id be acreaming in pain until it subsided. I cant recall how long it would take but it was very very intense. My right foot also had an open wound that just came out of nowhere on the left side just below my ankle bone. It evenrually kept fetting bigger and would get infected and then another wound opened up on the other aide of my right foot and got pretty bad. I didnt hurt it or injure it in anyway. Wasnt picking at them or anything. I was going to a methodone clinic everyday at the time too. I eventually went thru the withdrawls from feddy and still continued going to the methodone clinic everyday. My wounds healed up complrtely after i quit smoking feddy after just like a few weeks. The strange thing about this now that after i quit smoking feddy the wound would now bleed instead of just ooze out corosive yellow liquid. But then every 2 or three weeks i would wake up to intense stomach pains that would make me throw up becuz the pain was so bad. Not from nausea but from the pain. My espphogus also was very sensitive when this stomach pain happens and just swallowing my saliva would sometimes make me throw up. Nothing would make me feel better besides drawing a super hot bath and just laying there for hours. Sometimes it would go away right away. Other times it would linger for a day or two. I cant eat drink or hold anything down . I cant sleep or even sit still. The stomach pain would just come right back after ten or 15 minutes of getting out of the bath. It made it impossible to hold down a job and i was essentially useless, i couldnt commit to a schedule of any kind my life was completely unmanageable (i was sober at this point) . I was so unreliable that non of my friends talk to me anymore my life was essentially over. I couldnt work, i couldnt do anything. I couldnt even fo to the hospital while it was happening . Ifs just too fucking painful and id be screaming but they would just tell me to be quiet i cant scream like that. Ok u tell someone who has there hand cut off to stop screaming. It feels like my stomach or watever organ is by my belly button is literally on fire . I could not help it and i have a very high tolerance for pain. So hospitals couldnt do shit for me. The only thing that keeps me from having those intense stomach pains is opiates. So i eventually got fucking sick of being completely useless, my self esteem was non existent i was hoping to die everynight i fell asleep. So i picked up . And i picked up again and again and the cycle continues still. But now my right foot is going thru the exact same shit. Its really badly infected right now but i already know if i quit smoking my stomach pains are gunna come back and ill be roght back wishing i was dead. I basically concluded that my right foot is slowly dying, as no blood is going to it, at least very little if any. Becuz the wound is just oozing out the corosive yellow liquid just like last time. I dont want to lose my foot. But i also dont want to be completely useless and want to die. I am stuck in a big catch 22 and there doesnt seem to be a way out of this. Unless i can get a doctor to prescribe me clean opiates without other bullshit mixed in. That is pretty much not gunna happen this day in age as doctors are afraid to lose their licenses when prescribing opiates. I dont have an underlying cause on paper. Any time i explain this stuff to a doctor they think i am doctor shopping trying to get drugs for recreation. I can hold a job while smoking feddy without any issues. Nobody even suspects that im doing anything. I just got let go feom my job becuz they ran a background chrck on me and i have a fedy possesion on there just before it became a felony in california. There was no other reason dor them to let me go. I had just gotten a raise, i was a temp thru a stsffing agrncy and the director of the company told me he was gunna hire me fulltime along with the raise. Then all of a sudden i get a call after work that they let me go. No explaination nothing. But i am certain it was becuz of that. Anyways i am here trying to find a way to make these wounds go away without stopping feddy. If anyone on this planet knew of a way, i would be able to find them in these forums. I cant go on like this. But i also dont want to stop becuz of my damn stomach. I dont know what to do. I have prayed over this shit and i am certain god doesnt give a shit. His plan for my life fucking sux watever the fuck it is. So im just pleading if anyone knows of a way that i can get blood to my foot im all ears. Anytime i talk to an er doc they say stop smoking. We dont want u to od blahblah typical fucking stupidity. Even if i wanted to i cant seem to smoke enough to od. I always nod hard and wake up later. No matter if i dab or watever. I just want to be able to have a life where im not scraping by on disability and actually be able to enjoy things and go on vacation. Support my damn self cuz i cant seem to do it when i get sober. Whenevr i get sober my life gets worse. I know its the opposite of what every one tells us in recovery but it is true. I dont like doing thinfs over and over again expecting things to change. So i dunno hopefully somebody here can help. I dont know what to do anymore im desperate.
