ArmyDansGirl
Bluelighter
your picture fell on the floor today off my dresser which is packed high with things I have yet to unpack. it was laying on the floor and I looked at it for a minute. it makes me sick to see you smile. did you know that?
i remember when that picture was taken. it was mothers day3 years ago. you are holding our son and smiling. i wrote the word "bitch" on your forhead on that picture some time ago can't remember when. i look at that picture and i feel like you ruined me for the rest of my life I will have bitterness towards you.
do you remember when we were 15 and my dad bought me a car and we cut school everyday for a week? that was the first time you kissed me in the high school cafeteria during detention. i wrote a note to my friend that I wished you wouldn't put your arm around me at school because I didn't really like you. now I wonder why I changed my mind.
the first time we went out at night your mom called my house for two hours straight wondering where you were because you missed your curfew. you told me you didn't have a curfew and I dropped you off a block away from your house. the next day I didn't answer your calls.
i remember my last day at that school you screaming at my from across the gym that you knew i'd be back and to miss you. i wondered what the hell was wrong with you. unitl i actually left and i knew exactly what you meant.
i remember hearing when i was a senior in a new high school that you were back in jail. locked up in juvenile hall in virginia. far away. i liked that. because for some reason although i had not spoken toyou in almost a year you were still close to me. i remember getting that letter in the mail that you were coming home on a weekend pass and to meet you. I was an hour late but I did and I regret that. you were standing in the rain and I drove by you three times before i finally stopped. you got in the car and it took me almost four years to get you out.
i was 19 when i got pregnant with your child. you were in jail again, coming home on weekends you were 17 and still in juvenile . you were home that weekend that I found out. we were sitting in front of th etattoo parlor and you were smoking and you were looking at me with that blank stare that i never could figure out. you told me that you didn't think you were good enough for me. i told you i was pregnant. you told me to prove it and I went home.
its funny how my whole future was reduced to peeing on a stick. but it was and i did and i almost threw up when i found out but i didnt. i waited until the state released you to tell you. you told me to come over and i did and you weren't there. two hours later you showed up drunk and I handed you the stick put my hands on my hips and watched as you looked it mumbled something and pased out. i drove away.
you went to the first ultrasound appointment with me because no one else would because everyone was so pissed. they could see the writing on the wall and so could I but i wrote it off. you kept the picture they gave us and you got a job.
my due date came and went and i was tired of working so much and tired of coming home to a dirty house and watching you play Playstation. you weren't working anymore and that made me mad. funny how i never found the nerve to say anythign about that. my water broke and you went back to sleep. two hours later you got up and took me to the hospital and our son was born. that was the last time I saw th real you, with tears running down your face as you cut my son from me. you named him then you went to go get high and in that time i replaced you with something more important than the memory of who you used to be to me.
our son was in surgery for six hours and you couldnt get a ride to the hospital. you finally made it. i couldn't even look at you. you gave him a kiss and two weeks later you were served with child support papers.
the next time isaw you was in court where you told the judge the baby wasn't yours and i remember thinking i wish that he wasn't but i knew that he was. six weeks later you got the paper that proved that he was and you went back to jail.
fast forward four years later and you are still in jail here and there. and i am looking at the picture on my floor. funny how so much time can go by but seeing your face takes me right back to long ago. funny how sometimes the best thing to happen to you is to not get your happily ever after but to get hell and survive it. I guess that is why i kept your picture. so that I could remind myself that i survived you. and to remind myself that even though you are still around, you are stuck in the yesterday and I'm in the now without you. And I am happier that way and better off.
i wonder if you know that. i wonder if you know what day it is and i wonder if you think about the things you have done. you sent a birthday card to our son in august two years ago. his birthday is in february. I guess time stands still for you. Funny how i should have left you in the rain so long ago but I didn't. I guess I am a better person for that.
i hate you.
i remember when that picture was taken. it was mothers day3 years ago. you are holding our son and smiling. i wrote the word "bitch" on your forhead on that picture some time ago can't remember when. i look at that picture and i feel like you ruined me for the rest of my life I will have bitterness towards you.
do you remember when we were 15 and my dad bought me a car and we cut school everyday for a week? that was the first time you kissed me in the high school cafeteria during detention. i wrote a note to my friend that I wished you wouldn't put your arm around me at school because I didn't really like you. now I wonder why I changed my mind.
the first time we went out at night your mom called my house for two hours straight wondering where you were because you missed your curfew. you told me you didn't have a curfew and I dropped you off a block away from your house. the next day I didn't answer your calls.
i remember my last day at that school you screaming at my from across the gym that you knew i'd be back and to miss you. i wondered what the hell was wrong with you. unitl i actually left and i knew exactly what you meant.
i remember hearing when i was a senior in a new high school that you were back in jail. locked up in juvenile hall in virginia. far away. i liked that. because for some reason although i had not spoken toyou in almost a year you were still close to me. i remember getting that letter in the mail that you were coming home on a weekend pass and to meet you. I was an hour late but I did and I regret that. you were standing in the rain and I drove by you three times before i finally stopped. you got in the car and it took me almost four years to get you out.
i was 19 when i got pregnant with your child. you were in jail again, coming home on weekends you were 17 and still in juvenile . you were home that weekend that I found out. we were sitting in front of th etattoo parlor and you were smoking and you were looking at me with that blank stare that i never could figure out. you told me that you didn't think you were good enough for me. i told you i was pregnant. you told me to prove it and I went home.
its funny how my whole future was reduced to peeing on a stick. but it was and i did and i almost threw up when i found out but i didnt. i waited until the state released you to tell you. you told me to come over and i did and you weren't there. two hours later you showed up drunk and I handed you the stick put my hands on my hips and watched as you looked it mumbled something and pased out. i drove away.
you went to the first ultrasound appointment with me because no one else would because everyone was so pissed. they could see the writing on the wall and so could I but i wrote it off. you kept the picture they gave us and you got a job.
my due date came and went and i was tired of working so much and tired of coming home to a dirty house and watching you play Playstation. you weren't working anymore and that made me mad. funny how i never found the nerve to say anythign about that. my water broke and you went back to sleep. two hours later you got up and took me to the hospital and our son was born. that was the last time I saw th real you, with tears running down your face as you cut my son from me. you named him then you went to go get high and in that time i replaced you with something more important than the memory of who you used to be to me.
our son was in surgery for six hours and you couldnt get a ride to the hospital. you finally made it. i couldn't even look at you. you gave him a kiss and two weeks later you were served with child support papers.
the next time isaw you was in court where you told the judge the baby wasn't yours and i remember thinking i wish that he wasn't but i knew that he was. six weeks later you got the paper that proved that he was and you went back to jail.
fast forward four years later and you are still in jail here and there. and i am looking at the picture on my floor. funny how so much time can go by but seeing your face takes me right back to long ago. funny how sometimes the best thing to happen to you is to not get your happily ever after but to get hell and survive it. I guess that is why i kept your picture. so that I could remind myself that i survived you. and to remind myself that even though you are still around, you are stuck in the yesterday and I'm in the now without you. And I am happier that way and better off.
i wonder if you know that. i wonder if you know what day it is and i wonder if you think about the things you have done. you sent a birthday card to our son in august two years ago. his birthday is in february. I guess time stands still for you. Funny how i should have left you in the rain so long ago but I didn't. I guess I am a better person for that.
i hate you.
