I don't do this to hurt her. I don't use drugs to escape from her. She's the only good thing in my life. I love her so much. I wish my love for her could overcome this beast of a monkey I have on my back but it can't. The love comes from a very pure, light place. The monkey... well, the monkey doesn't give a fuck. The monkey wants what it wants and he wants it NOW. I'm trying my best to shut the fucking monkey up but it's not working... it's not working at all. The monkey doesn't want to listen to logic or reason or love. It just want drugs. It doesn't matter what kind, really... Although the monkey has its preferences. This fucking monkey is heavy. It has a vise-like grip on my throat. It's in there with my brain. It fights for survival. I give in. I wouldn't wish this addiction on her, but if she could only see what I struggle with on a daily basis -- sometimes even hour to hour... It fucking sucks. I don't want to take money from them. I don't want to sell my shit. I don't want to be homeless. I don't want to drop out of school. I don't want to be unemployed. I don't want my family to starve. I just don't know what to do anymore. My fucking face hurts. My nostril is burning and my eye is tearing. I'm awake at 6:30am only because I haven't slept yet. I think I did a little over half a gram of cocaine and 40mg of oxycodone up my nose, along with 50mg of oxycodone I ate earlier and 2mg of Xanaax and 4mg of Klonopin. I want to smoke a little but I don't know if the paranoia will build up and send me over the edge... I am so thirsty but I am afraid to leave this room... Jesus... And I did it all to myself. What's wrong with me? Lots and lots of things. My friend had a miscarriage. 
I am so bummed out for her. She really wanted the baby too. She didn't deserve that to happen to her. I know I didn't deserve all of the things that happened to me but they did happen and I don't know how to deal with them... My fucking nose is leaking... God, what do I do? What do I do? The only answer, says the monkey, is more coke. That's always the answer, isn't it??? Fuck you, monkey, I don't want to listen to you. You give me enough trouble...
I am so bummed out for her. She really wanted the baby too. She didn't deserve that to happen to her. I know I didn't deserve all of the things that happened to me but they did happen and I don't know how to deal with them... My fucking nose is leaking... God, what do I do? What do I do? The only answer, says the monkey, is more coke. That's always the answer, isn't it??? Fuck you, monkey, I don't want to listen to you. You give me enough trouble...
