What the hell good is an upgrade if you don't have all the same features the older version had? The idea is to add to, not take away from! But hell, the rest of the world never really did see my point of view, but whatever. I always say, if it's not broken, don't fix it! I'm frustrated because I am a writer and I was in the middle of getting all my old writing off the server and my now I can't until BL makes it available.
It feels good not having to work Thursday afternoon in addition to my Thurs graveyard shift again this week. I was grateful as hell for the extra shift there for a while to be sure. Still, this chronic fatigue really sucks ass. Mom asked me if I wanted to take up yoga class, and I can't. Working 4 nights and 1 day, plus 2 or 3 NA meetings a week right now is all I can do. I flaked out on the Monday night meeting again. I go to bed at about 1pm after work Mondays and am too tired to get up at 6pm to go to the meeting at 7pm. I sat down and had a long talk with Mom yesterday. Tomorrow after I get off work, I'm going shopping for veggies, salad, fruits, and lean cuisine dinners, plus some nutritious candy bars for snacks. I've gotten rid of the junk food.
I was a crystal meth and painkiller addict for 25 years and gained 100 fucking lbs once I got clean a little over 2 years ago. Although I lost about 30 lbs, I'm still like 70 lbs overweight.
It's my sincere hope that after about 6 or 8 weeks, the life style change in diet will cure the fatigue and correct the borderline, if not already diabetic disorder. I'd asked the Doc if it turns out that I am diabetic do I have to take shots or pills? She said no, so that means that healthy food will be my medicine. At this point, although I HATE the extra weight I've been carrying around, it's not even about the vanity anymore. At least, vanity is number 2, not number 1. I simply want my energy back! I've had enough. Fuckin junk food isn't worth it. For reasons I don't really understand, everytime in the past my thinking insisted that I was doomed to repeat bad eating habits and overeat, getting fat again.
Still, this time, I've done alot of prayers and meditation, living in the solution means doing it out of self love, instead of self hate and fear like I did in the past. I'm not getting on the scale every week so I don't obsess on what I weigh, but change to sensible eating habits. One thing I feel God has done for me so far is take away the cravings for the wrong food and to want to overeat, which is a trip. So, tomorrow once I have the fridge and cabinets stored with only healthy food, that will clinch the deal. My hope is to control the diabetes, get my energy back, and finally lose all this fucking extra weight. It's a burden carrying it around. It will be nice too, to get my beauty back because I haven't lost my looks other than this damn weight.
The main thing is I want peace of mind, which I always have so long as I'm living in the solution. I have to make copies of all my bills and fill out all these forms for the student loan people too. I have to get going on asking work for a copy of my resume too, I've been dragging my heels about asking. The plan is to have a revised copy and look around for other work online. I'll put my resume on Monster and a few other job sites, plus send out copies and a cover letter to some major hospitals and universites close to home. I don't know how well the hunt will go, but I've always found it's much easier to look for work when I'm in no real hurry to find a job. I've asked God repeatedly to relieve me of my 2 most destructive defects, procrastination and laziness.
Part of the laziness will subside once I get some physical energy back, but also sometimes I procrastinate is out of fear. Other times I just plan don't want to do shit. I've suffered from that problem my entire life, and as bad as it is now, I've accomplished more shit in the past couple of years than I have in my entire life. I spoke to my sponsor briefly tonight. I told her I'm having a bit of trouble writing letters of amends to Tony the pony (birth father) and his sister Diane, my biological aunt. My sponsor reminded me part of the purpose of writing these letters is to forgive them, even if they choose not to forgive me, and believe me they won't. It's all good, although I find it amuzing at times the family acts like Tony walks on fucking water even though he's done nothing but make his living by not working and using women, or robbing armoured trucks, lol.
I feel very lucky to have been spared being raised around those people, but there is a definite fuck up gene carried by the Tarantinos and I inherited it, but the difference is that I'm doing my best most of the time to clean up my act. Laziness runs on the Baker side too, though, lol. I love Mom to bits. She's always been funny, artistic, exceptionally intelligent, but most of all, people smart. She's also always been a knock out looks wise, even when she got fat. She's still young and beautiful looking. She's carried around this sure confidence in herself all her life which is why she's been so successful, that and her people smarts.
I got an email from Dave today. He says he's going in for his quaduple bypass surgery. He's paranoid that maybe he won't make it because he has too many things wrong with him. Truthfully, I think he has about a 50-50 chance of making it. He's probably at least 130 lbs overweight, he's diabetic, quit taking his insulin for lack of money again, (sigh) there are multiple clots around his pancreas which the blood thinners apparently aren't helping, his arteries are about 95% blocked, fuck. He kind of sent this sad letter:
Hi all,
It looks like the date for my surgery is Jan 12th @ 7:30 am (ST. Jude Hospital - Fullerton, Ca).
It is my understanding that after the operation I will be unavailable for visitors for 2 days (except for immediate family) so instead of coming down to the hospital, we figured the best way for finding out my status is to pass along a few contact numbers:
Also...if there are any updates...Robin will be sending out an email updating everyone at the same time.
See you on the other side,
David
I felt sad reading this and responded with:
Hey what's up, just got your email. I hope all goes well for you ok. You'll be in my prayers. I don't get to talk to you that much and sorry you couldn't make the meeting in December, we missed you. Maybe I'll drop by early Sunday afternoon after my meeting, the day before your surgery ok. I honestly hope that you find the peace of mind that I finally found a couple years ago. Take care and God bless. Sigh....
Love,Tanya
P. S. I'm sure everything will go well, but for whatever reason I don't see you again after the 12th, thankyou for 30 years of friendship, and when both our lives are finished I'll see you on the other side.
I had to say goodbye in case he doesn't make it
. My depression has lifted a little bit. I'm sure the change of diet will help if for no other reason than having more energy.
It feels good not having to work Thursday afternoon in addition to my Thurs graveyard shift again this week. I was grateful as hell for the extra shift there for a while to be sure. Still, this chronic fatigue really sucks ass. Mom asked me if I wanted to take up yoga class, and I can't. Working 4 nights and 1 day, plus 2 or 3 NA meetings a week right now is all I can do. I flaked out on the Monday night meeting again. I go to bed at about 1pm after work Mondays and am too tired to get up at 6pm to go to the meeting at 7pm. I sat down and had a long talk with Mom yesterday. Tomorrow after I get off work, I'm going shopping for veggies, salad, fruits, and lean cuisine dinners, plus some nutritious candy bars for snacks. I've gotten rid of the junk food.
I was a crystal meth and painkiller addict for 25 years and gained 100 fucking lbs once I got clean a little over 2 years ago. Although I lost about 30 lbs, I'm still like 70 lbs overweight.
It's my sincere hope that after about 6 or 8 weeks, the life style change in diet will cure the fatigue and correct the borderline, if not already diabetic disorder. I'd asked the Doc if it turns out that I am diabetic do I have to take shots or pills? She said no, so that means that healthy food will be my medicine. At this point, although I HATE the extra weight I've been carrying around, it's not even about the vanity anymore. At least, vanity is number 2, not number 1. I simply want my energy back! I've had enough. Fuckin junk food isn't worth it. For reasons I don't really understand, everytime in the past my thinking insisted that I was doomed to repeat bad eating habits and overeat, getting fat again.
Still, this time, I've done alot of prayers and meditation, living in the solution means doing it out of self love, instead of self hate and fear like I did in the past. I'm not getting on the scale every week so I don't obsess on what I weigh, but change to sensible eating habits. One thing I feel God has done for me so far is take away the cravings for the wrong food and to want to overeat, which is a trip. So, tomorrow once I have the fridge and cabinets stored with only healthy food, that will clinch the deal. My hope is to control the diabetes, get my energy back, and finally lose all this fucking extra weight. It's a burden carrying it around. It will be nice too, to get my beauty back because I haven't lost my looks other than this damn weight.
The main thing is I want peace of mind, which I always have so long as I'm living in the solution. I have to make copies of all my bills and fill out all these forms for the student loan people too. I have to get going on asking work for a copy of my resume too, I've been dragging my heels about asking. The plan is to have a revised copy and look around for other work online. I'll put my resume on Monster and a few other job sites, plus send out copies and a cover letter to some major hospitals and universites close to home. I don't know how well the hunt will go, but I've always found it's much easier to look for work when I'm in no real hurry to find a job. I've asked God repeatedly to relieve me of my 2 most destructive defects, procrastination and laziness.
Part of the laziness will subside once I get some physical energy back, but also sometimes I procrastinate is out of fear. Other times I just plan don't want to do shit. I've suffered from that problem my entire life, and as bad as it is now, I've accomplished more shit in the past couple of years than I have in my entire life. I spoke to my sponsor briefly tonight. I told her I'm having a bit of trouble writing letters of amends to Tony the pony (birth father) and his sister Diane, my biological aunt. My sponsor reminded me part of the purpose of writing these letters is to forgive them, even if they choose not to forgive me, and believe me they won't. It's all good, although I find it amuzing at times the family acts like Tony walks on fucking water even though he's done nothing but make his living by not working and using women, or robbing armoured trucks, lol.
I feel very lucky to have been spared being raised around those people, but there is a definite fuck up gene carried by the Tarantinos and I inherited it, but the difference is that I'm doing my best most of the time to clean up my act. Laziness runs on the Baker side too, though, lol. I love Mom to bits. She's always been funny, artistic, exceptionally intelligent, but most of all, people smart. She's also always been a knock out looks wise, even when she got fat. She's still young and beautiful looking. She's carried around this sure confidence in herself all her life which is why she's been so successful, that and her people smarts.
I got an email from Dave today. He says he's going in for his quaduple bypass surgery. He's paranoid that maybe he won't make it because he has too many things wrong with him. Truthfully, I think he has about a 50-50 chance of making it. He's probably at least 130 lbs overweight, he's diabetic, quit taking his insulin for lack of money again, (sigh) there are multiple clots around his pancreas which the blood thinners apparently aren't helping, his arteries are about 95% blocked, fuck. He kind of sent this sad letter:
Hi all,
It looks like the date for my surgery is Jan 12th @ 7:30 am (ST. Jude Hospital - Fullerton, Ca).
It is my understanding that after the operation I will be unavailable for visitors for 2 days (except for immediate family) so instead of coming down to the hospital, we figured the best way for finding out my status is to pass along a few contact numbers:
Also...if there are any updates...Robin will be sending out an email updating everyone at the same time.
See you on the other side,
David
I felt sad reading this and responded with:
Hey what's up, just got your email. I hope all goes well for you ok. You'll be in my prayers. I don't get to talk to you that much and sorry you couldn't make the meeting in December, we missed you. Maybe I'll drop by early Sunday afternoon after my meeting, the day before your surgery ok. I honestly hope that you find the peace of mind that I finally found a couple years ago. Take care and God bless. Sigh....
Love,Tanya
P. S. I'm sure everything will go well, but for whatever reason I don't see you again after the 12th, thankyou for 30 years of friendship, and when both our lives are finished I'll see you on the other side.
I had to say goodbye in case he doesn't make it
. My depression has lifted a little bit. I'm sure the change of diet will help if for no other reason than having more energy.