I enjoy these nights I have to myself.
It's freezing cold outside and the single bar halogen heaters I have in the flat don't really keep the place warm... unless I shut both doors in the living room... but that just makes me feel hemmed in. I'm wearing a hoodie over my dress and a pair of fingerless gloves keep my hands from getting cold.
I chase the coldness and the stress away with a bottle of wine and a packet of super slim cigarettes. I indulge myself in whatever music I want to hear at that moment. Could be Erasure, could be Morrissey, could be the Eagles... just whatever expresses what's inside my heart at that time.
I don't have much to show for 30 years on this earth when it comes to physical items. But I'm surviving and that's enough.
I guess these nights are like a "date night" with myself. I'm starting to come around after what feels like a forever of coasting by on the surface and I'm not afraid to dive into myself anymore. I'm not ashamed of myself anymore and it's been a long time coming.
It's the little things. Listening to my body. I can't eat potatoes, and dairy products make me bloat. So I stop eating them instead of giving into momentary cravings. Maybe I should apply that theory to the rest of my life. Just because I crave something doesn't mean I have to have it, if it's not good for me.
Sometimes I crave drugs badly. But I get through it, and only indulge in rare moments when it's safe and sensible to do so.
There's been a few things and people that I've craved really strongly for lately and I'm trying to break myself of the habit by reminding myself that a momentary fix is not going to heal me. I need real, strong, unbreakable truths in my life. I've spent so long in my own world, knowingly oblivious to reality. That scares me because I have made things so hard for myself. I crowned myself the queen of irrelevance.
Life is a strange thing, and it's hard, and I didn't realise that the struggle to figure out what the fuck I'm doing would be an ongoing thing... but I'm doing what I can. I can do better, I'm certainly not doing my best. I need to put my all into it instead of being scared to try because I'm afraid of being hurt. I got far too hurt far too early right and I've let the damage eat right through my defences until they are all rusty and broken. I don't want that. I don't want to constantly question myself or stay up too late worrying about what people think of me or wondering why I'm still alone. I want to surround myself with love from my family, my friends and maybe one day from a guy. I limit myself. I let my friends and my family closer than anyone else... I just can't seem to let any potential suitors past my armour. I have used the excuse of a relationship that ended years ago dictate this, I let it consume me and alienate me and I can't do that anymore. It became an excuse for not trying and I delayed the grieving process for years because it was easier for me to believe that that was it for me and that nothing else would do, or would happen for me. I can't say I wouldn't go back to him if it happened... but then again maybe I just haven't found the right person to move on with like he has.
I think I'm too complex for any guy to deal with though. That makes me sad.
It's freezing cold outside and the single bar halogen heaters I have in the flat don't really keep the place warm... unless I shut both doors in the living room... but that just makes me feel hemmed in. I'm wearing a hoodie over my dress and a pair of fingerless gloves keep my hands from getting cold.
I chase the coldness and the stress away with a bottle of wine and a packet of super slim cigarettes. I indulge myself in whatever music I want to hear at that moment. Could be Erasure, could be Morrissey, could be the Eagles... just whatever expresses what's inside my heart at that time.
I don't have much to show for 30 years on this earth when it comes to physical items. But I'm surviving and that's enough.
I guess these nights are like a "date night" with myself. I'm starting to come around after what feels like a forever of coasting by on the surface and I'm not afraid to dive into myself anymore. I'm not ashamed of myself anymore and it's been a long time coming.
It's the little things. Listening to my body. I can't eat potatoes, and dairy products make me bloat. So I stop eating them instead of giving into momentary cravings. Maybe I should apply that theory to the rest of my life. Just because I crave something doesn't mean I have to have it, if it's not good for me.
Sometimes I crave drugs badly. But I get through it, and only indulge in rare moments when it's safe and sensible to do so.
There's been a few things and people that I've craved really strongly for lately and I'm trying to break myself of the habit by reminding myself that a momentary fix is not going to heal me. I need real, strong, unbreakable truths in my life. I've spent so long in my own world, knowingly oblivious to reality. That scares me because I have made things so hard for myself. I crowned myself the queen of irrelevance.
Life is a strange thing, and it's hard, and I didn't realise that the struggle to figure out what the fuck I'm doing would be an ongoing thing... but I'm doing what I can. I can do better, I'm certainly not doing my best. I need to put my all into it instead of being scared to try because I'm afraid of being hurt. I got far too hurt far too early right and I've let the damage eat right through my defences until they are all rusty and broken. I don't want that. I don't want to constantly question myself or stay up too late worrying about what people think of me or wondering why I'm still alone. I want to surround myself with love from my family, my friends and maybe one day from a guy. I limit myself. I let my friends and my family closer than anyone else... I just can't seem to let any potential suitors past my armour. I have used the excuse of a relationship that ended years ago dictate this, I let it consume me and alienate me and I can't do that anymore. It became an excuse for not trying and I delayed the grieving process for years because it was easier for me to believe that that was it for me and that nothing else would do, or would happen for me. I can't say I wouldn't go back to him if it happened... but then again maybe I just haven't found the right person to move on with like he has.
I think I'm too complex for any guy to deal with though. That makes me sad.