i was raped an i have issues having sex.

[blondeone22]

So I'm 22 & I've been with my bfn for the past 3 years he's a lot.older then me an I lost my virginity to him when I was 18 he was 45 . My problem is we have always had issues having sex I get really scared an I shake my legs especially . I was raped when I was 9 years old an again when I was 14 . I love my bf so much an I'm not scared of him at all. I went to the gynecologist n she said everything was fine. I'm wet an horny all the time I just get so nervous an then sometimes I get so nervous I can't cum. I feel like such a loser that I can't have wild n crazy sex with him that I have 3 sums with him so he doesn't leave me . It's really hard too too watch another women doing for him what I cant. I can't talk to anyone in my family an I don't have any friends really I feel like a pathetic ugly loser . I just don't know what to do please help

 

[FrogWarrior]

Thats pretty harsh. Since you posted this on bluelight, I'm guessing you'll be open to these kinds of suggestions. MDMA therapy. If that doesn't do it, then ibogaine will, no doubt in my mind. Ibogaine is a massive leap of faith to take, but sounds like you're ready for that. I know I am. I have different issues, I used drugs to remedy depression that was probably caused by some harsh things I couldn't deal with and my brain suppressed as a defense mechanism, and got myself into a right mess. I'm at the edge of death right now, and now I feel great about life. Nothing to lose, everything to gain. I'll either solve these problems or die trying. Either way, its all good. I don't think MDMA therapy will work on me cuz I can't even remember my psychological problems, the memories are blocked but I think they're manifesting physiologically. You remember what happened to you though so it should work real well on you. Theres also hypnotherapy. If you can be hypnotised easily, then happy days, you have a new powerful tool to control your own neurochemistry and physiology. The solution might be right under your nose, you just need to look. Thats one lesson salvia taught me. May great things come your way.

 

[Xorkoth]

MDMA therapy might be effective, I wouldn't jump to ibogaine, that's probably not the thing for this. But honestly, first you should try regular therapy. Have you gone to a therapist about this? IMO using drugs for therapy should be done only after exhausting other options.

 

[zzz101]

edit--sorry i hear your story. give it more time, time can heal almost anything. you might wake up tomorrow and change.

Should I use ibogaine if i want to quit drugs for a while?

I know it is very powerful substance. does something to ease opiate withdrawls and addiction to them.

But would the experiance help if i use a range of drugs. i don't have a problem or any addiction except weed. so i'm on the fense about it but my brain could use some free time.

i just want to have a break so tolerence can go down to a normal level. even if it takes a year

 

[Xorkoth]

Ibogaine is great for addiction and changing your behavioral patterns to live a healthier life. The after-state is beautiful, euphoric, and long-lasting (weeks/months) and makes it much easier to be happy and live well. It seems to help opiate addiction far more than anything else. I still have poly-drug addictive tendencies that rear themselves sometimes but I am much better with it, and I haven't even craved an opiate a little bit ever since (over 4 months), and I took it during withdrawal from a 10-year habit. It's a miracle for me for that reason, I never even experienced PAWS, it just knocked the opiate dependence out of me. But it didn't fix all my problems. It did give me a huge boost towards living my life better though. I started working out and got in shape, and I eat well now too.

Overall it gave me more willpower, or helped me find my own willpower more accurately. It cleared out a lot of cobwebs but you still need to work to keep them clear.

 

[zzz101]

well done, the years go too fast when you waste them high on opiates. yeah i hear its a crazy trip and to do it in withdrawl is the nuts.

I'm actually having these thoughts on MXE, not for long, just a minute. because it is clear, i know, then i go on to trip.

i will do it but it may take months before i try to have a break, but eventually I will.

 

[herbavore]

OP, the effects of rape can go on for years, especially when the rape occurred as a child. Sex involves vulnerability and trust at a very deep level and it makes perfect sense that you could have problems being that vulnerable. I hope your partner understands this. Have you tried talking to him about it? Have you gone to therapy or do you plan to?

I agree that mdma therapy might be very helpful but only in the setting of an experienced therapist's care. Just experimenting on your own could lead to even deeper problems. Since mdma therapy is not legal it is not available to most people. Hopefully in the near future this won't be the case. For now I think your best bet is talking to a therapist experienced with survivors of childhood abuse. We assume that we should be able to rationally think our way through this kind of thing but the truth is that the damage done was so much deeper than conscious thought. You can heal but you will need to work at it with a qualified guide (therapist).

Also remember that it is very tempting when you have deep pain like this to try to medicate it away. Masking or numbing the pain is a temporary fix that comes with a very high price tag. Don't fall into that trap.

Much love and hope for things to unfold gently.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey blondone and welcome to BL.

It seems like your having a stress or fear reaction due to the traumatic events of your past, which im very sorry you had to experience. As others have suggested MDMA therapy has shown great promise for treating symptoms like this, but I would also agree with herby that it needs to be accompanied by a therapist who is experienced and can skillfully direct positive ends. I would look into this, but its still very new line of therapy and may be difficult to find.

Have you tried a traditional therapist? If not I would explore this avenue. If you do I would certainly do my research and find a good one as they are not all created equal.

I would consider looking for a therapist that specializes in helping people heal from traumatic childhood sexual abuse.

I think you will have to find away associate at a very deep and profound level that sex can be a wonderful and loving act as opposed to the very negative acts that were forced on you. Those were not and need not be associated with sex. That experience was not sex so its not associated with sex with your partner, even though your mind is correlating them. Have you been able to forgive the person or people that did that to you. Forgiveness is not for them, its for us and lets us free from the grip of awful things and the people who did them to us. What happened to you bears no reflection on you. The only person its a reflection on is the person who did it and you carry no aspect of it. Please consider forgiving the person or people who did this in order to try and heal yourself and cast off any power they still hold over you. A good way to try and accomplish this may be seeing a therapist and I agree you may want to look into MDMA therapy as it holds great promise for this.

I hope you can find the relief your looking for and deserve.

 

[Smoky]

Having a safe place or holding environment with a therapist you can trust (which of course takes time), to process the trauma directly related to the incidents is very important. EMDR might be helpful in addition to what some of the others have mentioned, especially with pain and abandonment, which often happens when one is raped as there can sometimes be a feeling something has been taken from them.

I was raped but not as a child… I had quite severe post traumatic trust issues moving forward from that time. I can't imagine what you have been through. I am very sorry, as what you experienced might be a form of loss. There is something called 'rape trauma syndrome' - especially since it happened more than once. You also might benefit (not that you haven't already), from rape victim support groups, or a transpersonal type of therapist or an mft.

Is he aware you are having threesomes with him so he doesn't leave you?

Thank you for sharing something that might be quite difficult to communicate about…..

 

[mostly-human]

No one is going to touch this:

I feel like such a loser that I can't have wild n crazy sex with him that I have 3 sums with him so he doesn't leave me . It's really hard too too watch another women doing for him what I cant.

???

Why is your boyfriend allowing you to experience this terrible jealousy / feeling? Have you communicated all of this to him? Does he understand that he's having threesomes because you feel like a loser and that you're not actually comfortable with them? If he does understand this, is he ok with this? Does that seem like a reasonable thing to him?

It's different if you've been lying to him about them and the reasons for having them. But if that is the case, then I suggest your first step towards a healthy sex life is by having honest communication with your boyfriend. If you're not honest and open with your partner, you will never have a healthy relationship.

 

[FrogWarrior]

edit--sorry i hear your story. give it more time, time can heal almost anything. you might wake up tomorrow and change.

Should I use ibogaine if i want to quit drugs for a while?

I know it is very powerful substance. does something to ease opiate withdrawls and addiction to them.

But would the experiance help if i use a range of drugs. i don't have a problem or any addiction except weed. so i'm on the fense about it but my brain could use some free time.

i just want to have a break so tolerence can go down to a normal level. even if it takes a year

I don't know but I'm gonna find out. I've used almost every class of drug known to man, I've pretty much been high on something or other for 6 years straight. Weed has little or no withdrawaal symptoms so my guess is it'll wipe out the psychologica dependence. I was on it for 6 years straight before I got into the polydrugging habit, getting off weed is a joke. Watch out if you put tobacco in the joints though, I never smoked cigarettes and didn't realise that I was craving the nicotine not the weed.

 

[FrogWarrior]

Ibogaine is great for addiction and changing your behavioral patterns to live a healthier life. The after-state is beautiful, euphoric, and long-lasting (weeks/months) and makes it much easier to be happy and live well. It seems to help opiate addiction far more than anything else. I still have poly-drug addictive tendencies that rear themselves sometimes but I am much better with it, and I haven't even craved an opiate a little bit ever since (over 4 months), and I took it during withdrawal from a 10-year habit. It's a miracle for me for that reason, I never even experienced PAWS, it just knocked the opiate dependence out of me. But it didn't fix all my problems. It did give me a huge boost towards living my life better though. I started working out and got in shape, and I eat well now too.

Overall it gave me more willpower, or helped me find my own willpower more accurately. It cleared out a lot of cobwebs but you still need to work to keep them clear.

Fuckin inspirational, I must say. Nice one.

 

[Zerrr]

OP, the effects of rape can go on for years, especially when the rape occurred as a child. Sex involves vulnerability and trust at a very deep level and it makes perfect sense that you could have problems being that vulnerable. I hope your partner understands this. Have you tried talking to him about it? Have you gone to therapy or do you plan to?

I agree that mdma therapy might be very helpful but only in the setting of an experienced therapist's care. Just experimenting on your own could lead to even deeper problems. Since mdma therapy is not legal it is not available to most people. Hopefully in the near future this won't be the case. For now I think your best bet is talking to a therapist experienced with survivors of childhood abuse. We assume that we should be able to rationally think our way through this kind of thing but the truth is that the damage done was so much deeper than conscious thought. You can heal but you will need to work at it with a qualified guide (therapist).

Also remember that it is very tempting when you have deep pain like this to try to medicate it away. Masking or numbing the pain is a temporary fix that comes with a very high price tag. Don't fall into that trap.

Much love and hope for things to unfold gently.

Hey blondone and welcome to BL.

It seems like your having a stress or fear reaction due to the traumatic events of your past, which im very sorry you had to experience. As others have suggested MDMA therapy has shown great promise for treating symptoms like this, but I would also agree with herby that it needs to be accompanied by a therapist who is experienced and can skillfully direct positive ends. I would look into this, but its still very new line of therapy and may be difficult to find.

Have you tried a traditional therapist? If not I would explore this avenue. If you do I would certainly do my research and find a good one as they are not all created equal.

I would consider looking for a therapist that specializes in helping people heal from traumatic childhood sexual abuse.

I think you will have to find away associate at a very deep and profound level that sex can be a wonderful and loving act as opposed to the very negative acts that were forced on you. Those were not and need not be associated with sex. That experience was not sex so its not associated with sex with your partner, even though your mind is correlating them. Have you been able to forgive the person or people that did that to you. Forgiveness is not for them, its for us and lets us free from the grip of awful things and the people who did them to us. What happened to you bears no reflection on you. The only person its a reflection on is the person who did it and you carry no aspect of it. Please consider forgiving the person or people who did this in order to try and heal yourself and cast off any power they still hold over you. A good way to try and accomplish this may be seeing a therapist and I agree you may want to look into MDMA therapy as it holds great promise for this.

I hope you can find the relief you're looking for and deserve.

I think the suggestions above are reasonable.

I would try therapy before considering mdma. Chances are you will not have access to real mdma anyway.

More importantly, its not a drug you want to take without a lot of preparation, research, or at a time where you could be considered 'emotionally fragile'.

take care

 

[dishearten]

So I'm 22 & I've been with my bfn for the past 3 years he's a lot.older then me an I lost my virginity to him when I was 18 he was 45 . My problem is we have always had issues having sex I get really scared an I shake my legs especially . I was raped when I was 9 years old an again when I was 14 . I love my bf so much an I'm not scared of him at all. I went to the gynecologist n she said everything was fine. I'm wet an horny all the time I just get so nervous an then sometimes I get so nervous I can't cum. I feel like such a loser that I can't have wild n crazy sex with him that I have 3 sums with him so he doesn't leave me . It's really hard too too watch another women doing for him what I cant. I can't talk to anyone in my family an I don't have any friends really I feel like a pathetic ugly loser . I just don't know what to do please help

I'm so sorry dear about your childhood horror..
This is absolutely PTSD and/or Rape Trauma Syndrome..
I have the very same, been raped and molested both times almost at the same ages too..
Have you tried any therapy yet? I've been in therapy for this and numerous other reasons we can talk about if you'd like.
But honestly dear, you're not a pathetic ugly loser. This is what your rapist wanted to permanently make you feel like, but it was HIM.. not YOU.
I really hope your boyfriend is supportive with this, what you need is support..
Coming to bL was a great idea, we all are here to care and help you.
If you cannot find support there, be strong like you have been and stay with us so we can be there for you.
You can get past this, I'm 25-- but unfortunately I was raped again, wound up pregnant, and lost my baby just last summer.. So it has been quite a set back for me.
You are in good hands, no matter how fragile you feel.

Much Love,
dishearten

 

[blondeone22]

Thank you so much helps to know other people have been through this as well . Would love to chat

 

[Bebenear]

Does he know why you agree to threesomes?

 

[Bebenear]

Don't take any drug or ppsychedelics. You're already fragile, and you don't want to be stuck in a bad trip down memory lane.


Does your bf know how you feel? Seek therapy and support groups. Don't continue doing things for the bf (like threesomes) just to keep him. That will eventually catch up to you and make you feel more worthless. And you might end up with resentment.

 

[Bebenear]

No one is going to touch this:

I feel like such a loser that I can't have wild n crazy sex with him that I have 3 sums with him so he doesn't leave me . It's really hard too too watch another women doing for him what I cant.

???

Why is your boyfriend allowing you to experience this terrible jealousy / feeling? Have you communicated all of this to him? Does he understand that he's having threesomes because you feel like a loser and that you're not actually comfortable with them? If he does understand this, is he ok with this? Does that seem like a reasonable thing to him?

It's different if you've been lying to him about them and the reasons for having them. But if that is the case, then I suggest your first step towards a healthy sex life is by having honest communication with your boyfriend. If you're not honest and open with your partner, you will never have a healthy relationship.

Mostly human, I'm glad I continued to read posts after I replied and came upon your response. I was thinking the same thing. I feel terrible to think that someone is doing this. It's one thing if everyone is into it because they like to get freaky deaky like that, but she is obviously is doing it out of fear. She deserves to be happy. This is why I asked if he knew. It reminded me of something Jane fonda said about having threesomes and feeling like shit for it, but she continued to please her man.


I feel terrible for her. She deserves to heal and feel better. Not to continue the cycle of being equating sex with power and loss.