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I want to cut out this bullshit before I go too far.

R

RivieraLife

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 20, 2015
Messages
47
I wasn't sure if I was posting this in the right place, if it's in the wrong place please could one of the mods move it.

I realise this topic has been covered over and over but I had to come clean (no pun intended) somewhere or it was just gonna drive me crazy. I've been a long time lurker on this site and I wanted to tell my story and just get some support from other people who understand. I don't know what advice I hope to get, I don't really know what I want out of posting this, I just can't talk to anyone around me about it. The last thing I want is for anyone close to me to know any of this. I'm not ready for that. I apologise for the length of this post, and my inappropriate overuse of brackets and hyphens, I can't help it, it's the way I write. :P

I just hope that nobody misunderstands me and thinks I'm trying to make myself sound like a special little snowflake, or like I think I'm better than anyone else - quite the opposite. Right now, I feel like dirt. Anyway, on with the show. I'll give a little bit of background, then further down (if you don't wanna read it all that's fine, it's probably gonna sound like a load of self-obsessed bullshit anyway) I'll explain what's happening now (see TL;DR).

I suffered from childhood depression, which was made worse by a sexual assault when I was a kid. That depression has never gone away. I find it hard to enjoy things, hard to function.. yknow. All those things that come with depression. My journey with addictions started with self harm, before the assault - I've only just got this under control. Ish. It still happens when I get really bad.

I hated school, it was boring to me and I got bullied a lot because I was different. I have always been very anxious, and defensive. I don't like large groups of people, so it wasn't a good environment for me. I couldn't behave myself, I was cocky, kept getting into fights, thrown out of classes, threatened with expulsion, etc. but I still did well. I've had a late diagnosis of ADHD, which I'm prescribed XR Methylphenidate for - I have no desire to do it recreationally, it just helps me actually get shit done.

I started drinking heavily when I was very young, on a weekly basis at first, of course that gradually escalated to a few more times a week. Nowadays, I probably drink 3-4 times a week. I try to keep it to just a few drinks. I don't like who I am when I get really drunk - I lose my temper, smash shit up, start fights, cry, and generally just make a fool of myself. If people invite me out, I completely lose control and I behave in this way. I'm always ashamed of myself afterwards.

I have been on antidepressants for my whole adult life. The first drug I discovered (besides pot) was Ketamine. I do not like myself, and I do not like being around myself (if that makes sense) so I used it to escape, until I fucked my nose and my bladder of course. It was only when it disappeared that I got off it, I cannot take credit for quitting it because I still crave it to this day - if it was in front of me I'd do it without a second thought.

When it disappeared I became a daily pot smoker instead, until I couldn't handle it any more. I didn't choose to quit it, it made me quit. I was taking hallucinogens and MDMA sometimes, fucking around with some weak pain pills at this point, but they weren't so much on my agenda.

A short while after I went a little beyond fucking around with them. I started taking codeine, or dihydrocodeine daily, and getting whatever other stronger opiates/opioids I could get my filthy mitts on at the time (Fentanyl, Bupe, Morphine, etc. but at this point not the big H). Then I started to try and control my anxiety (and also make my opis go further) with various benzos (valium, etizolam, pyrazolam, xanax...)

TL;DR start here
My biggest fuckup was when I tried Heroin. Things were really shit at the time, I figured I was gonna kill myself shortly after anyway, so I did it. The number of Erowid reports I read, the number of BL threads I read, the sheer amount of advice I ingested over the years that told me this was a terrible idea just didn't get into my thick skull. Or rather, I ignored it. I thought I was smart. I guess everyone thinks they can outsmart it. I kind of always had a weird obsession with the idea of it before I ever touched it. I always told myself I never would, and in a moment of weakness I did anyway. I've regretted it ever since.

As of this date, I have still only tried it that one time. But I keep thinking about it. I'd be so pissed with myself if I did it again, but I keep nearly buying it. I keep going to look for oxy, then considering #4 instead. I've been controlling my anxiety with benzos still, and controlling my urges to buy other opiates/oids with Kratom (so far so good but the temptation is getting pretty overwhelming).

So there are a number of things I need help with, really, if anyone has any advice.

1. How do I forget Ketamine? I loved it, but I hate it. I want it. But I don't. When I do it I fucking hate myself. How can I ever have that level of self control that I can just not do it? It's not even realistic to get it at the moment, I just don't want to even think about it any more.

2. How can I control my drinking? I want to be able to go out and just have a drink. Not get completely wasted and make a dick of myself.

3. How can I curb those cravings for stronger opiates/oids? I'd be perfectly happy to maintain on Kratom if it weren't for the fact that I still want the strong stuff. I definitely do not want to buy any more H. I know it sounds ridiculous to be craving it after trying it once, but it's this psychological addiction to strong euphoria and bliss and not giving a fuck that I just can't shake. I wouldn't exactly blow my brains out if I bought an oxy once in a while, but I'd never forgive myself if I bought H again - and yet, whenever I go hunting for oxy, that thought crops up "hey, I could just get H instead, it's a lot cheaper..." I really don't wanna open that can of worms any further than I already have. Kratom is already causing me some problems because there's still that temptation to do it when I need to get shit done.

4. What can I do about my benzo problem? I take them both for recreation and to function - the feeling of having no anxiety is recreational to me. My doctor won't prescribe them, even though they don't know about my past problems with addiction. I don't take them every day, just when things get pretty bad. But I don't want to rely on them forever. I've tapered in the past but always just gone back to them because I can't handle being anxious.

5. How do you deal with a snorting obsession? Even with things that do work snorted, but are less effective, I always do anyway. My nose is pretty fucked nowadays, I can feel a dent working its way through, and I really don't wanna end up with a big ass hole there.

There have been periods of time over the past few years where I have managed to stay clean, but it's only ever for so long. I just really need some support and understanding - I feel pretty alone right now, trying to deal with this on my own. :(

Anything anyone can offer is appreciated. Thank you for reading.
 
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It sounds to me like #'s 1-5 all have the same root cause. You are disconnected from yourself and life without escape or chemical alteration seems unlivable. People often feel ashamed of doing what they do with drugs but in the beginning it often feels like the only way to survive. You were traumatized by sexual abuse as a kid. That is no small thing to heal from--it takes intention, patience and the support of skilled people that can help you deal with the feelings as they come up. One of the hallmarks of early abuse is a child's capacity to bury it so deep or to divide the self so completely that trying to deal with things as an adult is compounded by how hard it is even to get to the trauma.

Do you have any access to counseling? The drug issues are real and I don't mean to discount them, it just really seems like you went for things to dull a terrifying unnameable pain and now you have that pain plus the dependence and compulsion issues on top of it. Is there anyone in your family that you can talk to honestly and openly?
 
Thank you for responding, I really appreciate it. It took a long time for me to gather the strength to talk about these things to anybody, it means a lot to me that someone, a complete stranger, cares enough to respond to me.

The problem with talking to my family, is I couldn't hurt them like that, by either talking about the abuse or my problems with drugs (all of them are 100% against drugs, in their minds, all drug users are scum). I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've been so ashamed for so long, and blamed myself for so long, that I can't bear to bring any of it up. There's so much going on in all of their lives, in addition to mental health issues running in my family, I don't want to burden them with my pain on top of it all. I've hurt them enough already, with my volatile behaviour, I would just be too ashamed, and scared, to even get the words out of my mouth.

I also fear that if I did, they'd want me to report the abuse, and I don't think I'd be strong enough to go through that, what with the risk of being labeled a liar, or for it simply being dismissed because of lack of evidence because it was such a long time ago. It took me a very long time to realise that it wasn't actually my fault, it was his - I was the child, I didn't know what was happening, that it wasn't what was supposed to be happening. Sometimes I do still blame myself for it. For not being wiser, for not knowing I was putting myself in a dangerous situation. Then again, how was I to know?

As far as counseling goes - I've had therapy in the past, and I see a psychiatrist, but I've never been able to be strong enough to actually bring up the issue. Because of my... somewhat defiant nature (on the outside, on the inside I'm quite the softie) I've never really seen eye-to-eye with therapists, I've found it difficult to find one I get along with and trust enough. The shame thing also comes in to play here too. I think the reason I've never had much success with therapy is because I never tell the whole story. Because I'm ashamed of the things that have happened to me, and the things that I do to try and deal with those events, I never actually tell anyone (this doesn't just apply to therapists, this is friends and family included) what's going on. I just bury it all. I never wanted to dig up the memories of that day in case I opened a box that couldn't be closed. I have an irrational fear of appearing weak, instilled into me by a family member, which doesn't help. I suppose that explains why I only felt comfortable opening up online, where I can hide behind an alias.

Thinking about what you've said, considering in my situation speaking to my family isn't really an option, what would probably be a good idea is to try and get more therapy. Perhaps from a therapist who specialises in sexual assault, this time actually being honest about what happened, and how I've been "coping". Keeping all of this inside... it really feels like it's burning a hole in me, deep deep down. I hadn't really thought about the fact that my troubles with addiction probably stemmed from my desire to bury all the hurt in my life, and that those troubles weren't going to go away until I dealt with the underlying problem. Though it probably seems glaringly obvious... I suppose sometimes you really do just need someone to point things out to you.

Thank you for your compassion. As I said, it means a lot to me. It helped to just get some of this off my chest, and it's been useful to get someone else's perspective on this. I will go back to therapy again and see what they can do for me. Because really, no drug is ever going to make me forget. What will actually help is trying to heal. Thank you. x
 
what do you do in your spare time other than drugs? find some things that you like to do that motivate you to get up in the morning and do them. it helps if these are things that drugs get in the way of, that way you will be less inclined to get high while doing them. for me these things are working out and playing music. I suck at both of those when im high so that motivates me to at least wait until after I've done those things to use. you just have to get into a routine that makes you happy, drugs are boring anyways, there's much better ways you can be spending your time. I know its obviously easier said than done, but you just have to find other things to occupy your time with. it gets easier every day.

also go easier on yourself. you said you'd never be able to forgive yourself if you ended up buying h again. think about what that means. if you happen to find yourself in a moment of weakness and break this promise to yourself are you giving yourself a ticket to say 'fuck it, it doesn't matter anymore, might as well keep using?' addictions can cause us to come up with all sorts of mental tricks and excuses to go off the deep end, even if deep down that's not what we really want. you gotta catch yourself before you give yourself an excuse to start using all the time.
 
Cheers for replying bud. Like I said I appreciate any support and advice :)

Again you have some good ideas, I've been thinking about getting back in to weight training, which would no doubt do wonders for my mental and physical health. My only hobby currently is gaming whigh is of course easily done high :( if I were to work out, that would probably satisfy my need to occupy my mind and body.

Besides gaming I have my education to complete - but lately I have been really fucking up because I've been feeling so awful - I let myself get out of My routine.

You've hit the nail On the head - I need to go easier on myself.. When I fuck up, I feel guilty, and it snowballs.

Fuck it, I WILL salvage this day. I'm gonna go work out, occupy myself, try and get shit done.

Thanks guys. It may only feel like you've done a small thing by replying to me, but it really does mean a lot. I will keep you posted on how I'm doing, if you don't mind that is.

Much love,
RL
 
Hi Rivieralife,

I commend you for being strong enough to talk about your problems and wanting to do something about them.

I think the problems you're having with drug addiction, alcoholism, fighting, and self-mutilation are self-destructive acts from unresolved issues in your past which have been aggravated when you were raped. I think you did not have a very good home environment. You probably felt nobody understood you.

Victims of heinous acts do blame themselves for letting the crime be committed on themselves. But now you've realized that it wasn't your fault. You were only a child. The adult should have known better but there we go. We know that's not exactly true.

I agree with Chronic Asshole: keep busy. Work out, do team sports, have a goal for your future so you'll have something to focus on.

Depression is not easy. You just can't snap out of it. I know because I was diagnosed with a mild chronic one and was prescribed Sertraline (Serenata). You have feelings of worthlessness, suicidal thoughts, second guessing yourself, can't concentrate.

You say you've never been able to tell your psychiatrist about the real issues. Try writing it down before going to visit or show him/her what you typed on this forum.

Forgive the people who did you wrong. It doesn't mean letting them off the hook but it's about leaving the excess baggage behind for your own peace of mind. Understand that they weren't perfect and did not know any better. You are better than them.

And, yes, forgive yourself. You had no control over what happened to you in the past but now you are here, you want to be better, you are trying. I admire you for that.
 
Your taking Ritalin,Benzo'z and Alcohol. Of course your going to eventually spiral out and feel crazy. Your poly-addicted to taking medicinal doses of 3-4 drugs daily with a subconcious desire to take a STRONG dissociative like Ketamine To escape life. I have seen Ketamine destroy one of my ex-girlfriends life. Even after 5 years of being 'K-free' She still yearns Ketamine


My bad for Necro-post
 
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