murphythecat
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2011
- Messages
- 812
I would like to get back to psy again after a long long time
hi, Im new to this forum and Im not the best in english. Also this story is really long! You probably can skip half of it and go staright to my conclusion part and now...
Introduction:
Im 24 years old and im saying it because it will be important.
I have had in my life many phases of drug-use.
Started at 16 with weed until forced therapy which led my to stop until my early 18 years old.
Okay, thats where my psychedelic journey started. I must say that I have always been a heavy drug-user meaning that when love a drug I freakin adore it. Im the type of person that really is easily addicted to things I love. Anyways thats not super important.
Great times:
At the time I was doing quite often ecstacy and speed and also cocaine quite often but majorty I was a weed smoker; never been addict to anything else apart maybe shrooms but since you cant do them everyday I cant say that I was addicted.. At 18 years old, I tried for the first time magic mushrooms. That was the beginning. Saying that I loved it is mildly said. When I took my first shroom trips, my life had changed for good; I started understood about the mind, how we are all bullshitting ourselves with the lives we live ect. I really loved it. but most importantly I loved how conscious it made me. Im really bad at explaining all the wonderful things I experienced tripping because well Im french so this is not my first language. I felt home in my head and in my mind it just felt right and home and I used to share with everyone around me how amazing I thought psychedelics was for a mind. how open minded it made me ect ect.
I can really say that magic mushrooms allowed me at a early age to discover my consciousness. I used to (and still do but to another degree) realized how everyone is fake, how ridiculous the society we live in, how I was leading a stupid and ridiculous life, how fucked we are; I remember my first trip during the breakdown I kept on repeating:" this is all bullshit" and "we are all condemned" "we didnt ask for life" "we are stuck here" while starring at a park. I really felt how close minded I was (even thought i didnt really compared to anyone else) and how revelatory the shrooms was to my mind ect. I know its a common reaction but really when your not prepare to have those sort of revelation its really amazing and shocking and wonderful and you feel that your the only one in the world knowing that secret ect
After my first shroom trip, I started doing it more and more regularly. Within a month or 2 I was doing shrooms every 3 days when I could or at least every week; thats how I loved it and it shows again how easy I fall in habits I love. I have had the best experiences of my life on shrooms. I really had a blast every time not a blat that was everytime the most important and significant moment of my life!, discovering more and more of the beauties of psychedelics. I was doing it with friends but also more and more alone because alone I was able to just lay down with psychedelic trance at the time and just trip out with closed-eyes pattern and quite amazing hallucinations without being bothered and concentrate on the actual feeling. During around a whole year, not less, I must have tripped at least, at the very least once every week if not twice. During this period, I understood by myself how to get the most of a mushroom trip for me at least. I have had discovered that I needed to be sober (no weed before) before the trip, with a quite empty stomach, no sugar when ingesting the mushrooms, wait until the effect comes then smoke weed then one shot of vodka to get all the hallucination wall- i used to call- up, listen to shpongle, ect, ect all this to get most out of my trips.
I remember how I LOVED so much to hallucinate, laying down on my bed with a huge smile alone on my bed just feeling the energy flowing thru my body. man I was really into it you know as mush as I could. I used to love everything about it and the more I hallucinated the more I enjoyed it. However I was carefully dosing my shrooms with a scale. I started with .7 gram for my first trip then passed to 1 gram then 1.5 ect. I had found that 2.5g was just perfect for me and really fucked way enough my brain.
That was the time before forums were really there on the net (not true shrooms.org was there) well at least I didn't go to forum at all so had to find those obvious tricks all by myself and among my friends, I was clearly the one enjoying it so much to really want to investigate about the shrooms.
First of all, during the first 2 years, I kept the same dealer which didn't change the shrooms. it was always the same spores so always the same feeling and boy they were good. Such BEAUTIFUL hallucinations, waves of stargesness passing thrue everything, complete sense of euphoria and complete mind fuck but with no "too much" feeling. always just so amazing and perfect!
NIGHTMARES BEGINS
Okay, my first bad trip occured around my 19th birthday when I went at the old port of montreal (my city) and took 3.5 grams around 5 in the evening with an empty stomach.
I was planning each time my trips but it was the first time I was trying 3.5 grams and also was the first time I did not eat at all during the whole day just to give myself the best trip possible. I wont go into details here. I started hallucinating pretty badly, too much, I remember that I felt as if I was being attacked like spikes hitting all threw my body, on the beginning you know when it really kicks in, I started walking and the sound just shut down for two second then come back as if I had turned down the volume knob. I then started paranoig about me dying and stuff like that. I even got audition hallucination; I was hearing voices during the peak of the trip!
Since its been almost 4 years even 5 years its hard to be exact from then on.
After my first bad trip, I almost literally stopped completely taking shrooms. Bear in mind I used to take shrooms every 3 days almost! and paff right away I tried a couple other time and had to stop. For 3 month I didn't take anything; I also moved out of my college residence ect so had a lot going on so quitting for a while wasn't a bad idea but somehow I knew that my psychedelic journey was sort in a jeopardy.
BETWEEN MY FIRST BAD TRIP AND MY SECOND
I did my first bad trip around october. In december I was moving out in my first appartement with 2 of my friends. the first day we did shrooms. everything went okay but really the euphoric was replaced by a need to control my fears and my mind. I didn't have enough fun; nothing like I used to and that made me so mad and really sad knowing how amazing I used to find the shrooms but made me also scared about them . Okay, from December until probably April I didnt do any psychedelic since my dealer had stopped dealing. I hope you all understand that Im talking about 4 years ago! During that period we were smoking weed every day and all day. we were the three waking up around the same time smoking workign the evening coming back smoking ect...
OKAY its now too long! I know and Im sorry. Around april I found another dealer that had mushrooms . the shrooms were different and mush stronger to me. the effects were too strong I was feeling attacked the hallucination were not beautiful at al nor inside my head when I closed my eyesl,. We did three trips with those really not fun shrooms. We were all experienced shroomers and we had all done a lot in the past together so it wasnt just me.
SECOND BAD TRIP
I did a second bad trip with pcp and ecstacy mixed together like a dumb ass. My hand were bigger litterally and my muscle all pumped up because of I dont know what! I could have died I think. I freaked out so bad when I realized how fucked I was we went to the enarest hospital by walk and we got in saying to the guards and emergency guys that our hands were bigger lol and that we had took strong stuff chimic anyways thats not important. I really thought I was about to die and it really could have been dangerous. I felt as if I lost something in that trip; i dont think that anymore but at that time I felt so lost for almost a month after.
I started being a paranoiac person. I was actually more paranoia about the idea of being paranoia then really being paranoia if that make sense! I thought I had no control over my mind, and that in any time I could go schizophreniac and stuff like that.
Since my second trip, for at least a whole month, even weed was making me feel bad and thats not me you know. all I know is that something completely changed inside of me. this bad trip gave me the real fear of dying. the second bad trip really made me realize that: you will die one day!!!!!!! and for at least a whole year even smoking weed was sort of hard but I kept on smoking because well I liked weed anyways.
CONCLUSION of my past
Since then, every time I did any psychedelic I have been scared, not the whole time, but really most of the times so I cant enjoy it anymore. I still smoke weed pretty regularly, Im in college I have the same girlfriend since 6 years you know I have a normal life. I have passed threw a 6 month of complete insecurity about my life after my second bad trip and the fact that I willl die one day. I learned a lot this past three years and I can really say that my paranoiac phase now and since a year gone for good. Just to give you a example; even two years ago when I smoked a joint I had a phase in my "trip" where I started concentrating on being sure that I don't cuff myself while drinking water because I was somehow afraid to not drink the water does not properly go to my stomach but in my lungs! CRAZY thinking! I was able to not let myself go nuts about and control my thought and go on but still just the fact to have this in mind really is not great. still weed is one of my love and I still loved it anyways.
I have tried two years ago 2 trips of mescaline well torchus peruvianus with not a bad trip but really the need to control my fears and stuff like that.
NOW
Im not paranoiac anymore at all. I have learned to forget about myself and stop thinking about the things that makes my scared. I have realized that I was more scare then actually hurt. I realized that my paranoia was only there because I was expecting it and was almost as if my paranoia was a way to escape my psychedelic trip because Im scared of dying! Not dying during my trip but just the fact that theres no way to escape dying makes me freak out!
I need to say that I learn a lot about my self since a year; buddhism, meditations, ect.
Last year exactly, me and one of my friend did a mild dosage (but men I think im really sensible to psy) haywain baby wood rose trip. That was actually the first time since probably my first bad trip that I got back the same starter feeling of euphoria. That not well said. I can say that the trip was the first time that I went back into the world of psychedelic. It was the first time I really felt the same good feeling I used to feel without my problems. It was the first time I got pretty huge hallucinations and accepting them and quite liking them but most likely my mind was rediscovering the psyworld for a lack of better term. I felt back home again, just like I used to.
However, while I really appreciated and accepted the first 5 hours because well it took me three hours to even feel something! When I really got big hallucination my mind freak out!
Its hard to explain but I feel so much vulnerable, I feel so much as if we live in a big illusion that I cant accept it and try to hold on to my life because I doont want to fully realize what I am! WHAT ARE WE!! Im scared that I might realize something we dont know! ISNT THAT FUCKIN CRAZY. I remember that on hawain babywood rose I was chilling on my balconee with classical music in the background and i just closed my eyes and the patterns were not patterns anymore but more of a sort a multicolor things moving around; the sound shut down again like a volume knob being turned down- and I felt this thing inside of me , this realisation deep inside of me; there nothing without me! All my life, everything that important to me is not! The whole universe dont really exsist, it only exist within me! Even though my girlfriend lives, she doesnt if Im not here to realize meaning that well she doesnt really exist. Im almost scared to make a parallel between the lucid dreams where you realize that well the character in your dreams are actually one conscious and they are you; well im scared that we are all the same thing, exactly the same soul, just separated during the bing bang or whatever.
need to say that Im fuckin scared about that and that during my trip this became so evident that I couldnt enjoy it; i need to share that to my mate and tell him for hours that god damn you are just a extension of me! And its true but its fuckin scary isnt it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But you know once you feel it you sort of always know it.
Since that trip, last summer, I didnt do any psychedelic. I still smoke weed 3-4 times a week (Im trying to control my self) but yeah I didnt do any psy.
What can I do to surpass this fear! AND WHY did YOU HAD TO READ ALL THIS!!! Im sorry about my long story I thought it could be helpful but IM afraid it wasnt lol!
I would love to have the same euphoric feeling I used to love so much. Even though I know that life doesnt really means anything. That no inspiration really means anything. that I will die one day and that I will loose everything I love and know, when Im stone this shit makes me freak out! Sober, I know all those stuff, I know, but whenever Im stone Im more febrile about dying. Even on weed I need to not think to deeply about life and just concentrate on music because otherwire I really get sad about dying!!!!!!
What can I do?
hi, Im new to this forum and Im not the best in english. Also this story is really long! You probably can skip half of it and go staright to my conclusion part and now...
Introduction:
Im 24 years old and im saying it because it will be important.
I have had in my life many phases of drug-use.
Started at 16 with weed until forced therapy which led my to stop until my early 18 years old.
Okay, thats where my psychedelic journey started. I must say that I have always been a heavy drug-user meaning that when love a drug I freakin adore it. Im the type of person that really is easily addicted to things I love. Anyways thats not super important.
Great times:
At the time I was doing quite often ecstacy and speed and also cocaine quite often but majorty I was a weed smoker; never been addict to anything else apart maybe shrooms but since you cant do them everyday I cant say that I was addicted.. At 18 years old, I tried for the first time magic mushrooms. That was the beginning. Saying that I loved it is mildly said. When I took my first shroom trips, my life had changed for good; I started understood about the mind, how we are all bullshitting ourselves with the lives we live ect. I really loved it. but most importantly I loved how conscious it made me. Im really bad at explaining all the wonderful things I experienced tripping because well Im french so this is not my first language. I felt home in my head and in my mind it just felt right and home and I used to share with everyone around me how amazing I thought psychedelics was for a mind. how open minded it made me ect ect.
I can really say that magic mushrooms allowed me at a early age to discover my consciousness. I used to (and still do but to another degree) realized how everyone is fake, how ridiculous the society we live in, how I was leading a stupid and ridiculous life, how fucked we are; I remember my first trip during the breakdown I kept on repeating:" this is all bullshit" and "we are all condemned" "we didnt ask for life" "we are stuck here" while starring at a park. I really felt how close minded I was (even thought i didnt really compared to anyone else) and how revelatory the shrooms was to my mind ect. I know its a common reaction but really when your not prepare to have those sort of revelation its really amazing and shocking and wonderful and you feel that your the only one in the world knowing that secret ect
After my first shroom trip, I started doing it more and more regularly. Within a month or 2 I was doing shrooms every 3 days when I could or at least every week; thats how I loved it and it shows again how easy I fall in habits I love. I have had the best experiences of my life on shrooms. I really had a blast every time not a blat that was everytime the most important and significant moment of my life!, discovering more and more of the beauties of psychedelics. I was doing it with friends but also more and more alone because alone I was able to just lay down with psychedelic trance at the time and just trip out with closed-eyes pattern and quite amazing hallucinations without being bothered and concentrate on the actual feeling. During around a whole year, not less, I must have tripped at least, at the very least once every week if not twice. During this period, I understood by myself how to get the most of a mushroom trip for me at least. I have had discovered that I needed to be sober (no weed before) before the trip, with a quite empty stomach, no sugar when ingesting the mushrooms, wait until the effect comes then smoke weed then one shot of vodka to get all the hallucination wall- i used to call- up, listen to shpongle, ect, ect all this to get most out of my trips.
I remember how I LOVED so much to hallucinate, laying down on my bed with a huge smile alone on my bed just feeling the energy flowing thru my body. man I was really into it you know as mush as I could. I used to love everything about it and the more I hallucinated the more I enjoyed it. However I was carefully dosing my shrooms with a scale. I started with .7 gram for my first trip then passed to 1 gram then 1.5 ect. I had found that 2.5g was just perfect for me and really fucked way enough my brain.
That was the time before forums were really there on the net (not true shrooms.org was there) well at least I didn't go to forum at all so had to find those obvious tricks all by myself and among my friends, I was clearly the one enjoying it so much to really want to investigate about the shrooms.
First of all, during the first 2 years, I kept the same dealer which didn't change the shrooms. it was always the same spores so always the same feeling and boy they were good. Such BEAUTIFUL hallucinations, waves of stargesness passing thrue everything, complete sense of euphoria and complete mind fuck but with no "too much" feeling. always just so amazing and perfect!
NIGHTMARES BEGINS
Okay, my first bad trip occured around my 19th birthday when I went at the old port of montreal (my city) and took 3.5 grams around 5 in the evening with an empty stomach.
I was planning each time my trips but it was the first time I was trying 3.5 grams and also was the first time I did not eat at all during the whole day just to give myself the best trip possible. I wont go into details here. I started hallucinating pretty badly, too much, I remember that I felt as if I was being attacked like spikes hitting all threw my body, on the beginning you know when it really kicks in, I started walking and the sound just shut down for two second then come back as if I had turned down the volume knob. I then started paranoig about me dying and stuff like that. I even got audition hallucination; I was hearing voices during the peak of the trip!
Since its been almost 4 years even 5 years its hard to be exact from then on.
After my first bad trip, I almost literally stopped completely taking shrooms. Bear in mind I used to take shrooms every 3 days almost! and paff right away I tried a couple other time and had to stop. For 3 month I didn't take anything; I also moved out of my college residence ect so had a lot going on so quitting for a while wasn't a bad idea but somehow I knew that my psychedelic journey was sort in a jeopardy.
BETWEEN MY FIRST BAD TRIP AND MY SECOND
I did my first bad trip around october. In december I was moving out in my first appartement with 2 of my friends. the first day we did shrooms. everything went okay but really the euphoric was replaced by a need to control my fears and my mind. I didn't have enough fun; nothing like I used to and that made me so mad and really sad knowing how amazing I used to find the shrooms but made me also scared about them . Okay, from December until probably April I didnt do any psychedelic since my dealer had stopped dealing. I hope you all understand that Im talking about 4 years ago! During that period we were smoking weed every day and all day. we were the three waking up around the same time smoking workign the evening coming back smoking ect...
OKAY its now too long! I know and Im sorry. Around april I found another dealer that had mushrooms . the shrooms were different and mush stronger to me. the effects were too strong I was feeling attacked the hallucination were not beautiful at al nor inside my head when I closed my eyesl,. We did three trips with those really not fun shrooms. We were all experienced shroomers and we had all done a lot in the past together so it wasnt just me.
SECOND BAD TRIP
I did a second bad trip with pcp and ecstacy mixed together like a dumb ass. My hand were bigger litterally and my muscle all pumped up because of I dont know what! I could have died I think. I freaked out so bad when I realized how fucked I was we went to the enarest hospital by walk and we got in saying to the guards and emergency guys that our hands were bigger lol and that we had took strong stuff chimic anyways thats not important. I really thought I was about to die and it really could have been dangerous. I felt as if I lost something in that trip; i dont think that anymore but at that time I felt so lost for almost a month after.
I started being a paranoiac person. I was actually more paranoia about the idea of being paranoia then really being paranoia if that make sense! I thought I had no control over my mind, and that in any time I could go schizophreniac and stuff like that.
Since my second trip, for at least a whole month, even weed was making me feel bad and thats not me you know. all I know is that something completely changed inside of me. this bad trip gave me the real fear of dying. the second bad trip really made me realize that: you will die one day!!!!!!! and for at least a whole year even smoking weed was sort of hard but I kept on smoking because well I liked weed anyways.
CONCLUSION of my past
Since then, every time I did any psychedelic I have been scared, not the whole time, but really most of the times so I cant enjoy it anymore. I still smoke weed pretty regularly, Im in college I have the same girlfriend since 6 years you know I have a normal life. I have passed threw a 6 month of complete insecurity about my life after my second bad trip and the fact that I willl die one day. I learned a lot this past three years and I can really say that my paranoiac phase now and since a year gone for good. Just to give you a example; even two years ago when I smoked a joint I had a phase in my "trip" where I started concentrating on being sure that I don't cuff myself while drinking water because I was somehow afraid to not drink the water does not properly go to my stomach but in my lungs! CRAZY thinking! I was able to not let myself go nuts about and control my thought and go on but still just the fact to have this in mind really is not great. still weed is one of my love and I still loved it anyways.
I have tried two years ago 2 trips of mescaline well torchus peruvianus with not a bad trip but really the need to control my fears and stuff like that.
NOW
Im not paranoiac anymore at all. I have learned to forget about myself and stop thinking about the things that makes my scared. I have realized that I was more scare then actually hurt. I realized that my paranoia was only there because I was expecting it and was almost as if my paranoia was a way to escape my psychedelic trip because Im scared of dying! Not dying during my trip but just the fact that theres no way to escape dying makes me freak out!
I need to say that I learn a lot about my self since a year; buddhism, meditations, ect.
Last year exactly, me and one of my friend did a mild dosage (but men I think im really sensible to psy) haywain baby wood rose trip. That was actually the first time since probably my first bad trip that I got back the same starter feeling of euphoria. That not well said. I can say that the trip was the first time that I went back into the world of psychedelic. It was the first time I really felt the same good feeling I used to feel without my problems. It was the first time I got pretty huge hallucinations and accepting them and quite liking them but most likely my mind was rediscovering the psyworld for a lack of better term. I felt back home again, just like I used to.
However, while I really appreciated and accepted the first 5 hours because well it took me three hours to even feel something! When I really got big hallucination my mind freak out!
Its hard to explain but I feel so much vulnerable, I feel so much as if we live in a big illusion that I cant accept it and try to hold on to my life because I doont want to fully realize what I am! WHAT ARE WE!! Im scared that I might realize something we dont know! ISNT THAT FUCKIN CRAZY. I remember that on hawain babywood rose I was chilling on my balconee with classical music in the background and i just closed my eyes and the patterns were not patterns anymore but more of a sort a multicolor things moving around; the sound shut down again like a volume knob being turned down- and I felt this thing inside of me , this realisation deep inside of me; there nothing without me! All my life, everything that important to me is not! The whole universe dont really exsist, it only exist within me! Even though my girlfriend lives, she doesnt if Im not here to realize meaning that well she doesnt really exist. Im almost scared to make a parallel between the lucid dreams where you realize that well the character in your dreams are actually one conscious and they are you; well im scared that we are all the same thing, exactly the same soul, just separated during the bing bang or whatever.
need to say that Im fuckin scared about that and that during my trip this became so evident that I couldnt enjoy it; i need to share that to my mate and tell him for hours that god damn you are just a extension of me! And its true but its fuckin scary isnt it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But you know once you feel it you sort of always know it.
Since that trip, last summer, I didnt do any psychedelic. I still smoke weed 3-4 times a week (Im trying to control my self) but yeah I didnt do any psy.
What can I do to surpass this fear! AND WHY did YOU HAD TO READ ALL THIS!!! Im sorry about my long story I thought it could be helpful but IM afraid it wasnt lol!
I would love to have the same euphoric feeling I used to love so much. Even though I know that life doesnt really means anything. That no inspiration really means anything. that I will die one day and that I will loose everything I love and know, when Im stone this shit makes me freak out! Sober, I know all those stuff, I know, but whenever Im stone Im more febrile about dying. Even on weed I need to not think to deeply about life and just concentrate on music because otherwire I really get sad about dying!!!!!!
What can I do?
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