xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,009
WARNING: Might have slightly triggering content. Also, sorry this is so TLDR. If anyone reads it, thank you so much. I'm desperate for advice right now, I guess. Anyway... on to the bullshit...
My relationship with my mother is extremely toxic. I am constantly walking on eggshells around her. I am not allowed to express any opinions she disagrees with, and if I am feeling angry, sad, upset, or discouraged... basically any emotion she considers "stressful" to her, really... I am punished for expressing it.
Here is something that happened just now, that is a perfect example of what I deal with almost every day. It happens at least a few times a week at the very least. Just now, my mother was talking about removing my dog's voice box. I am a huge animal lover, and this is something I am strongly against - always have been - it truly disgusts me when pet owners do this. I've always felt that way. When she said she was thinking of doing that, I made the mistake of expressing my opinion on the matter... but I mean, he's MY dog, isn't he? So why shouldn't I be allowed to express my opinion? And all I said was, "Well I know his bark is really loud and high pitched and it annoys me too a lot of the time, but don't you think it's a little extreme to remove his ability to bark? I mean, you wouldn't do that to a human... you would think it's cruel... because that's how dogs communicate, it just doesn't seem right to take that away from anyone including animals." My dad was standing right there and he agreed with me. Neither of us were saying it in a rude way at all. But she immediately started SCREAMING at us (mostly me though of course) about how it was affecting her hearing. Saying things like, "Oh, so it's okay that it's hurting my hearing? If it's affecting my hearing, is it cruel then?" I told her that yes I do still think it's cruel, but that she should do what she has to do. I told her that it's just as messed up that it's hurting her hearing. And then she started screaming at me about how I am being selfish, and that it's NOT cruel because it's hurting her hearing, and how dare I stand there and tell her that the way it's affecting her doesn't matter. Except... that's not what I or my dad were saying. At all. We were simply expressing our opinion on the matter, which has absolutely nothing to do with my mom... it's just the way we feel about a certain controversial subject. I tried so many times to make it perfectly clear that the way I feel about it has NOTHING to do with my mom's hearing, and that if she feels like she needs to do that then she should do it, but I still disagree with it. My opinion on the matter is completely independent of everything else. She has the nerve to tell me I'm selfish, but she expects me to completely change a solid stance I have ALWAYS had on a subject just because it affects her hearing... what? How am I the selfish one here? I never once told her NOT to do it. I kept trying to tell her that I wasn't implying what she said I was implying, not at all. I never even told her it wasn't fair of her to tell me I'm not allowed to have a certain opinion, and that I had better change it to fit her needs. That's like her telling me I'd better go down to the DMV and change my political party to Democrat, because she voted for Obama, and as long as I'm living in her house I'd better vote for Obama as well. But she wouldn't listen though. She finally stormed off while (still screaming) saying, "Fine! I'll just commit suicide one day since no one understands that it hurts my hearing!" I'm not kidding. Those were her exact words.
I have a lot of resentment towards my mother because of this. She does these kinds of things to me ALL the time. It's her way or the highway. I can't do or say ANYTHING she disagrees with, or express any emotion... not the slightest tear or the slightest raising of my voice. If something I say or do is going to stress her out, I'd just better not do it or there will be hell to pay. It didn't used to be this bad, but it's gotten to the point where I don't even KNOW when I'm saying or doing something wrong anymore. I mean, it's to the point where I just avoid talking to her now, because I never know if I'm going to say the wrong thing or have the wrong tone of voice. Literally anything can set her off.
Another thing... two months ago, I tried to quit heroin at home. I was doing fine, I was getting through it, but it was tough. At a particularly low point, I said, "I wish I was dead." A normal emotion to feel when one is quitting heroin cold turkey. That doesn't mean I was going to kill myself, it was just how I was feeling at the time. But guess what? For that comment alone, I ended up spending the night in the Psych ER. My mom told me, "I can't handle this anymore, this is too stressful for me. You can't say things like that." I told her that didn't mean I was going to kill myself, but it didn't matter. Her solution to her stress that day was to simply eliminate the source of stress (me) by calling the cops, telling them that I was a heroin addict and that I was threatening to kill myself (a lie), and having them cart me off to the Psych ER. It was one of the most traumatic experiences I have EVER been through, the way the cops were treating me when they came, and being in that horrible, God-forsaken place all night while I was kicking heroin. I feel sick just thinking about it. Especially because it was my own MOTHER who caused it. And of course I relapsed the second I got home. I just didn't give a fuck anymore. I resent her for that too. My mom has been the reason, either directly or indirectly, for me relapsing every single time. Every relapse I've had, it's been because my mom has done something to me that was just so fucked up I couldn't even fathom it, let alone handle it without some kind of buffer.
Although I will say one thing... when I finally got back home from the Psych ER, I had a newfound understanding of the fact that I had better play by my mom's rules. The problem is that her rules seem to constantly be changing and I don't always know what they are. Which means I always end up doing or saying the wrong thing more often than not.
Speaking of that, I can't help but think about the fact that the last time I said anything remotely close to threatening suicide (that I wished I was dead), I ended up in the back of a cop car, being transported to that horrible, fucked up place. And I had a damn good reason for feeling that way, because it's a normal way to feel when one is kicking heroin cold turkey. But it's okay for my mom to directly threaten to kill herself, and she suffers NO consequences for it? She didn't even have a good reason to threaten to kill herself! Her only reason was the fact that I had an opinion that differed from hers! How does that warrant suicide more than cold turkey heroin withdrawals do?! "Oh poor me... my daughter disagrees with me... I'm going to kill myself because of it." And yet when I say it, fucked up things happen to me!
I can't help it. I resent my mom so much. I resent her for the fact that she's a hypocrite (not only with that whole suicide thing, but in many other ways as well.) I resent her for the fact that she makes me suppress my feelings and opinions. I resent the fact that she makes me feel like a piece of shit, by telling me that I'm selfish/ungrateful/a bitch anytime I DO express the way I feel, if it's something negative or something she doesn't agree with. I resent her for all the times she has called the cops on me, which has been a lot. I resent her for being the reason for all my relapses. I resent her SO much for sending me off to the Psych ER with the cops while I was going through heroin withdrawal, because I was ALMOST there... but getting sent there just sent me ten steps back... I would have made it had she not done that!! I fucking HATE her for that, I really do. I resent her for many things, but I'm not going to get into all of them here. Those are the main ones.
It kills me because I'm stuck here. I am just not financially capable of moving out and getting away from this mental torture chamber. Everyday that I'm here, I feel like I'm suffocating. The sad truth is, I don't trust my mom anymore. There are times when she freaks out so badly that I really get scared that she's going to snap completely and just kill me and get it over with. She says a lot that her life would be better without me here. Maybe I'm being paranoid and irrational by being scared she'll do that to me sometimes, but it just is what it is... I didn't always feel that way... but it's fucked up, because that's what our relationship has come to. My mom is so emotionally and mentally abusive, and I am forced to just put up with it, and then expected to not FEEL anything about it. A lot of the times, my emotions are so fucked up that I don't even KNOW what I'm feeling. It's like... my mom has trained me to shut down my emotions, so I'm shutting down and yet feeling a ridiculous amount of pain at the same time. It's SO confusing. I don't know how to explain the feeling, really. What I REALLY need is to move out, get away from my mom... but that's an impossibility for me right now. I'll be outta here the second I can manage it, but it's just not going to happen anytime soon.
Even more fucked up is that I almost had a way out. On November 18th. I was supposed to move out with my boyfriend, but we broke up. He didn't even give me a reason. It's not like I did anything to him. He just stopped talking to me one day a week and a half ago... and I haven't heard from him since. That really hurts too.
I guess I'm just really hurt about a lot of things right now. My boyfriend (ex... whatever). My mom especially. On top of that, I had $800 stolen from my bank account recently, and I am overdrafted that whole amount, and my bank won't help me. I don't have ANY real friends. They only want me around when I have something they want, and they NEVER have my back when something bad happens to me, even though I ALWAYS have theirs. My life just sucks. Everything lately is just pain. And numbness. And pain and numbness at the same time. So I take heroin because I don't know how else to deal with it. It truly does keep me sane, and that scares me. I want so badly to be done with this drug forever... but I need it... in more ways than one.
I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just really desperate for advice or some sort of encouragement. I don't want to hurt myself or anything. I'm just scared. I don't want to have to take drugs just to deal with life, and I'm afraid I won't be able to get off of it again. Rehab isn't an option, my parents made it clear they won't pay for it again. My mom knows I relapsed... for some reason I was honest with her when she asked me... but she didn't say anything more about it. She didn't really seem to care much at all. Which is nice, I guess, to not have to stress out about what she thinks of me relapsing. At least she's not mad at me and screaming her head off and calling me every horrible name in the book. But she's not supporting me anymore when it comes to that either. And my insurance doesn't cover rehab. I would go into a county-funded rehab, but they all require you to be clean and be able to pass a drug test, and we all know that's MUCH easier said than done when it comes to heroin. Getting through the withdrawals is what's stopping me from just getting on a county waiting list. I just... fuck. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel better and I want to have a NORMAL, DRUG-FREE life. And a normal relationship with my mom, and with friends. Everything is so hard right now, I don't know what to do.
Advice?
EDIT: I just reread this and it sounds like I'm just throwing myself one huge pity party. Lame. That wasn't my intention. Forgive me if it seems that way. I really was only just trying to explain the situation I'm in, and where my head is at right now, and trying to get some advice about it. I didn't mean to sound so lame lol.
My relationship with my mother is extremely toxic. I am constantly walking on eggshells around her. I am not allowed to express any opinions she disagrees with, and if I am feeling angry, sad, upset, or discouraged... basically any emotion she considers "stressful" to her, really... I am punished for expressing it.
Here is something that happened just now, that is a perfect example of what I deal with almost every day. It happens at least a few times a week at the very least. Just now, my mother was talking about removing my dog's voice box. I am a huge animal lover, and this is something I am strongly against - always have been - it truly disgusts me when pet owners do this. I've always felt that way. When she said she was thinking of doing that, I made the mistake of expressing my opinion on the matter... but I mean, he's MY dog, isn't he? So why shouldn't I be allowed to express my opinion? And all I said was, "Well I know his bark is really loud and high pitched and it annoys me too a lot of the time, but don't you think it's a little extreme to remove his ability to bark? I mean, you wouldn't do that to a human... you would think it's cruel... because that's how dogs communicate, it just doesn't seem right to take that away from anyone including animals." My dad was standing right there and he agreed with me. Neither of us were saying it in a rude way at all. But she immediately started SCREAMING at us (mostly me though of course) about how it was affecting her hearing. Saying things like, "Oh, so it's okay that it's hurting my hearing? If it's affecting my hearing, is it cruel then?" I told her that yes I do still think it's cruel, but that she should do what she has to do. I told her that it's just as messed up that it's hurting her hearing. And then she started screaming at me about how I am being selfish, and that it's NOT cruel because it's hurting her hearing, and how dare I stand there and tell her that the way it's affecting her doesn't matter. Except... that's not what I or my dad were saying. At all. We were simply expressing our opinion on the matter, which has absolutely nothing to do with my mom... it's just the way we feel about a certain controversial subject. I tried so many times to make it perfectly clear that the way I feel about it has NOTHING to do with my mom's hearing, and that if she feels like she needs to do that then she should do it, but I still disagree with it. My opinion on the matter is completely independent of everything else. She has the nerve to tell me I'm selfish, but she expects me to completely change a solid stance I have ALWAYS had on a subject just because it affects her hearing... what? How am I the selfish one here? I never once told her NOT to do it. I kept trying to tell her that I wasn't implying what she said I was implying, not at all. I never even told her it wasn't fair of her to tell me I'm not allowed to have a certain opinion, and that I had better change it to fit her needs. That's like her telling me I'd better go down to the DMV and change my political party to Democrat, because she voted for Obama, and as long as I'm living in her house I'd better vote for Obama as well. But she wouldn't listen though. She finally stormed off while (still screaming) saying, "Fine! I'll just commit suicide one day since no one understands that it hurts my hearing!" I'm not kidding. Those were her exact words.
I have a lot of resentment towards my mother because of this. She does these kinds of things to me ALL the time. It's her way or the highway. I can't do or say ANYTHING she disagrees with, or express any emotion... not the slightest tear or the slightest raising of my voice. If something I say or do is going to stress her out, I'd just better not do it or there will be hell to pay. It didn't used to be this bad, but it's gotten to the point where I don't even KNOW when I'm saying or doing something wrong anymore. I mean, it's to the point where I just avoid talking to her now, because I never know if I'm going to say the wrong thing or have the wrong tone of voice. Literally anything can set her off.
Another thing... two months ago, I tried to quit heroin at home. I was doing fine, I was getting through it, but it was tough. At a particularly low point, I said, "I wish I was dead." A normal emotion to feel when one is quitting heroin cold turkey. That doesn't mean I was going to kill myself, it was just how I was feeling at the time. But guess what? For that comment alone, I ended up spending the night in the Psych ER. My mom told me, "I can't handle this anymore, this is too stressful for me. You can't say things like that." I told her that didn't mean I was going to kill myself, but it didn't matter. Her solution to her stress that day was to simply eliminate the source of stress (me) by calling the cops, telling them that I was a heroin addict and that I was threatening to kill myself (a lie), and having them cart me off to the Psych ER. It was one of the most traumatic experiences I have EVER been through, the way the cops were treating me when they came, and being in that horrible, God-forsaken place all night while I was kicking heroin. I feel sick just thinking about it. Especially because it was my own MOTHER who caused it. And of course I relapsed the second I got home. I just didn't give a fuck anymore. I resent her for that too. My mom has been the reason, either directly or indirectly, for me relapsing every single time. Every relapse I've had, it's been because my mom has done something to me that was just so fucked up I couldn't even fathom it, let alone handle it without some kind of buffer.
Although I will say one thing... when I finally got back home from the Psych ER, I had a newfound understanding of the fact that I had better play by my mom's rules. The problem is that her rules seem to constantly be changing and I don't always know what they are. Which means I always end up doing or saying the wrong thing more often than not.
Speaking of that, I can't help but think about the fact that the last time I said anything remotely close to threatening suicide (that I wished I was dead), I ended up in the back of a cop car, being transported to that horrible, fucked up place. And I had a damn good reason for feeling that way, because it's a normal way to feel when one is kicking heroin cold turkey. But it's okay for my mom to directly threaten to kill herself, and she suffers NO consequences for it? She didn't even have a good reason to threaten to kill herself! Her only reason was the fact that I had an opinion that differed from hers! How does that warrant suicide more than cold turkey heroin withdrawals do?! "Oh poor me... my daughter disagrees with me... I'm going to kill myself because of it." And yet when I say it, fucked up things happen to me!
I can't help it. I resent my mom so much. I resent her for the fact that she's a hypocrite (not only with that whole suicide thing, but in many other ways as well.) I resent her for the fact that she makes me suppress my feelings and opinions. I resent the fact that she makes me feel like a piece of shit, by telling me that I'm selfish/ungrateful/a bitch anytime I DO express the way I feel, if it's something negative or something she doesn't agree with. I resent her for all the times she has called the cops on me, which has been a lot. I resent her for being the reason for all my relapses. I resent her SO much for sending me off to the Psych ER with the cops while I was going through heroin withdrawal, because I was ALMOST there... but getting sent there just sent me ten steps back... I would have made it had she not done that!! I fucking HATE her for that, I really do. I resent her for many things, but I'm not going to get into all of them here. Those are the main ones.
It kills me because I'm stuck here. I am just not financially capable of moving out and getting away from this mental torture chamber. Everyday that I'm here, I feel like I'm suffocating. The sad truth is, I don't trust my mom anymore. There are times when she freaks out so badly that I really get scared that she's going to snap completely and just kill me and get it over with. She says a lot that her life would be better without me here. Maybe I'm being paranoid and irrational by being scared she'll do that to me sometimes, but it just is what it is... I didn't always feel that way... but it's fucked up, because that's what our relationship has come to. My mom is so emotionally and mentally abusive, and I am forced to just put up with it, and then expected to not FEEL anything about it. A lot of the times, my emotions are so fucked up that I don't even KNOW what I'm feeling. It's like... my mom has trained me to shut down my emotions, so I'm shutting down and yet feeling a ridiculous amount of pain at the same time. It's SO confusing. I don't know how to explain the feeling, really. What I REALLY need is to move out, get away from my mom... but that's an impossibility for me right now. I'll be outta here the second I can manage it, but it's just not going to happen anytime soon.
Even more fucked up is that I almost had a way out. On November 18th. I was supposed to move out with my boyfriend, but we broke up. He didn't even give me a reason. It's not like I did anything to him. He just stopped talking to me one day a week and a half ago... and I haven't heard from him since. That really hurts too.
I guess I'm just really hurt about a lot of things right now. My boyfriend (ex... whatever). My mom especially. On top of that, I had $800 stolen from my bank account recently, and I am overdrafted that whole amount, and my bank won't help me. I don't have ANY real friends. They only want me around when I have something they want, and they NEVER have my back when something bad happens to me, even though I ALWAYS have theirs. My life just sucks. Everything lately is just pain. And numbness. And pain and numbness at the same time. So I take heroin because I don't know how else to deal with it. It truly does keep me sane, and that scares me. I want so badly to be done with this drug forever... but I need it... in more ways than one.
I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just really desperate for advice or some sort of encouragement. I don't want to hurt myself or anything. I'm just scared. I don't want to have to take drugs just to deal with life, and I'm afraid I won't be able to get off of it again. Rehab isn't an option, my parents made it clear they won't pay for it again. My mom knows I relapsed... for some reason I was honest with her when she asked me... but she didn't say anything more about it. She didn't really seem to care much at all. Which is nice, I guess, to not have to stress out about what she thinks of me relapsing. At least she's not mad at me and screaming her head off and calling me every horrible name in the book. But she's not supporting me anymore when it comes to that either. And my insurance doesn't cover rehab. I would go into a county-funded rehab, but they all require you to be clean and be able to pass a drug test, and we all know that's MUCH easier said than done when it comes to heroin. Getting through the withdrawals is what's stopping me from just getting on a county waiting list. I just... fuck. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel better and I want to have a NORMAL, DRUG-FREE life. And a normal relationship with my mom, and with friends. Everything is so hard right now, I don't know what to do.
Advice?
EDIT: I just reread this and it sounds like I'm just throwing myself one huge pity party. Lame. That wasn't my intention. Forgive me if it seems that way. I really was only just trying to explain the situation I'm in, and where my head is at right now, and trying to get some advice about it. I didn't mean to sound so lame lol.
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