I thought I had the anxiety & depression under control but I don't...

[derkaderka]

I want to keep this short so I'll just say ever since I was a kid I have had anxiety and depression...

Within the past 3 years some bad stuff happened and that was the peak of my depression, i felt like shit all day every day and wanted to die. For a while it felt like it went away, but whenever something happens that effects me.... i can't handle it.. publicly I might be okay, but when i'm alone I just cry and realize I haven't changed.

I feel like my downs are SO much worse then my ups I just don't feel like I'm actually having any ups.... I think it's more like I feel really bad or I feel "okay".


I just want to wake up tomorrow with confidence and be happy, but I can't leave the door without worrying and I can't handle arguments... so many things I can't handle, i feel like a child with my emotions... I've been losing the battle... I keep trying to change and it's not working. Nothing WILL work because I have zero self esteem, when something bad happens(like a bad argument with someone) I literally start thinking I'm a waste of space and should die and then start crying..... but I don't even cry... I just start tearing and then just tell myself I'm a pussy for crying and it stops...

To make things worse I'm alone almost all the time and don't have many friends that I can hang out or talk with (most of them are busy/ don't live close)... and I really need some friends right now.
I wish the perfect friend would just walk up to me but things don't work like that.... I really don't make choices in my life... i'm just kind of mindless-ly depressed. I have attempted suicide in the past, maybe this is playing a part in this... it has been a few years but I don't think I have healed.... honestly it feels like a part of my died because I just don't care anymore.

I'm just so mad at myself for being such a shitty person

 

[RobotRipping]

^self-hatred will only worsen your state of mind. I can relate, i've kind of secluded myself from everyone I know, not necessarily on purpose but i am so unstable i can't maintain friendships. Sometimes i hate myself for it or feel ashamed, disappointed or feel worthless.

you can start by not calling yourself a pussy and just let the emotions flow through you (it doesn't make you a pussy to deal with your emotions). Circumstances change, life changes and so will you.

I don't really have great advice but don't be mad at yourself and don't consider yourself to be a shitty person. Somewhere you picked up this self-hatred as a tool or as a way to cope but the first step in recovering from this will be accepting yourself and figuring out why you feel as you do. As well being self-destructive kind of goes along with these issues. I still deal with being self-destructive even though my life has improved so much over the years, i get the feeling if i'm not happy now then i'll never be happy and just want to destroy everything so it reflects how i feel. This however has not helped me at all and it's a big vicious cycle.

good luck and don't beat yourself up.

 

[effie]

^^ this is so true...


Have you tried any treatment for your anxiety and depression? Therapy such as CBT (or various other forms - different things suit different people) can work wonders, although it can be hard work and slow progress initislly - but the skills you learn really can help you to live the life you want to live. There are many other options too - counselling, psychotherapy, and of course medication - which in my opinion definitly has a place for some people, although balanced with looking at the psychological and social aspects of your situation too. There is a lot of informtation in the TDS dictectory in my sig - have a browse, and if you have any specific questions feel free to shoot me a pm

You really are not alone in feeling like this and I know how hopeless it can seem - that is the cruelty of depression, it doesn't allow us to see that there is any hope for things to improve. Please believe me though (I have been there) - they can improve and things will get better for you.

Friends ebb and flow I find - I don't have many good friends around me at the moment, for various reasons. I too would love the "perfect friend" to walk into my life but sadly things don't work that way.. what you can try, however, is to reach out to those friends you do have - you may find that you can turn casual aquaintenances into good friends, you never know. You could also try doing something like joining an evening class perhaps? You always have us, too! Lately my very best friends have been my online friends and we are here to listen to you and help support you however we can

 

[herbavore]

OP, I am in a similar place except that I do have friends. Sometimes even having wonderful friends cannot touch the deep pain in our lives. I, too have been feeling like the constant flow of tears will never stop.The way I am trying to deal with it is to look for some positive within this state, and I have found one. I have found that my pain is universal and through that I have been able to connect with other people both here on BL and IRL that understand and can feel true empathy. I hope that you will seek help in order to not turn your pain into self-loathing. Feeling the entire depth and texture of painful feelings is never weakness. Feeling stuck in those feelings is the problem that needs attention. PM me, or anyone else you have connected with here on BL, any time--reaching out is the only cure for loneliness.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I totally agree with herbavore, effie and RobotRipping. derka you are NOT a shitty person, you suffer with anxiety and depression. Either one of those conditions on their own can be crippling, so when they are combined it is really really tough to deal with. Please remember that, you're not having a hard time because you're a bad person, you're having a hard time because your brain is unwell. You are not to blame for that. BUT it can be treated, you don't have to go on feeling this way

Have you ever had any therapy in the past? I really think it will help you, and you won't know until you try it. I also think it would be good for you to get out and about every now and then, to try and meet people. I know that can be much easier said than done, especially when you're feeling depressed or anxious. But humans are social creatures, and we need friends. I know that whenever I'm feeling depressed, seeing a friend or talking to someone on the phone instantly makes me feel better. And the more you try to get out and socialise, the easier it will get. Do you perhaps have any hobbies or interests that you can use to try and meet new people?

 

[derkaderka]

Thanks for the replies

When I woke up the next morning after writing that I honestly couldn't really remember and I felt pretty good..... but it's very frustrating going from extremely sad to what I think?? is me in a decent/good mood.

The only therapy I have tried is just talking to someone(It basically went from me being pretty closed in to me SPILLING ALL MY BIGGEST SECRETS AND NEVER COMING BACK.... ugh I don't even think i want to SEE my last therapist after what I told them..It was EXTREMELY personal and I would have felt much better if I kept it in because no therapist can help me with that problem).... I really need help leaving my house more.... I just don't know where I'm at because sometimes I CAN leave the house and be fine... but im usually with friends.. I've noticed when I'm alone outside it is much harder to talk to people and I ALWAYS get kinda shakey and think people are watching me. (I know they aren't.. because I walk with my head down a lot...).

I think my relationships with people are hit or miss... I'm more quiet/shy when I first meet people, because I feel like I have to observe them and kinda think to myself if I should act like me or act fake... I think because I don't want them to not like me, and the real me is actually LOUD and talkative and sometimes annoying D:

Also....I watched some episodes of "obsessed" where some people went through CBT .... and I don't think my problems are anywhere near as bad as those people, but I could totally see myself in that position if I don't do something..... It's not like I CAN'T leave my house... I just feel really uncomfortable and I don't leave my house very often... (that sounds pretty bad when I write it out...).

BUT if I'm drunk... then I have NO problem meeting new people or doing ANYTHING.. I literally don't give a shit and I wish I could adopt that attitude a bit more. I feel like a different person.... so much more confident.... of course that isn't the way to deal with my problems... but it's weird to me how I can almost have no anxiety doing the SAME THINGS I do with anxiety when I'm either sober or by myself.

Like in my eyes going to the store with a friend? No problem. Friends distract me from my anxiety.... Go to a store by myself? Ugh.... I just feel trapped and want to get it over with as quick as possible. And when I go to a friends house... I feel shitty on the way there (me biking in public) but when I get to my friends house I feel "safe"...

Can anyone relate to anxiety that is mostly present when you are out alone?

Again... thanks for the replies :D

 

[RobotRipping]

^yes i get massive anxiety in such situations, it's like having an open nerve just being hit by everything. If it comes to me going to the grocery store by myself then i will likely starve or order all of my food. I hate going out even for a walk as i'll encounter a bunch of fuckin weirdos either talking to me about the weather or traffic or street kids asking me for money or a smoke. It's mostly that i hate awkward encounters or fear them or something. I can also relate about spilling my guts to a therapist and never wanting to go back, it was a bad experience for everyone.