I’ve never told this story out loud before. A while ago, I took a combo that almost ended me:
40mg Hydrocodone
20mg Ambien
3mg Xanax
A whole bottle of tequila
I thought I could ride it out. I’d taken stuff before and thought I knew my limits. But this time was different.
I was laying on my friend’s couch, and I remember my vision started tunneling in. Black closing in from the edges. I felt like I was sinking. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. But I was still conscious in my head. I remember thinking, “Am I dying right now?” but I physically couldn’t react.
Then I heard my friend say, “Is he okay?”
That one sentence snapped something in me. I believe it was my ego. Something deep in me refused to let my friends see me die or lose control like that. Somehow I sat up, stumbled to the bathroom, and started violently throwing up.
I remember the panic in my body. Everything was telling me I was about to die. But something overrode it. I don’t know if it was adrenaline, pride, a trauma response, or all of it. But it was real. It pulled me out.
Looking back, I know I OD’d. Not enough to go fully unconscious, but enough that I was slipping under. That combo can and does kill people. I was inches from death and totally aware of it.
I think about it a lot. The silence. The weight in my body. The way I couldn’t speak. I remember trying to text a friend to come get me even though they were two hours away. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that fear.
If you’re reading this and still messing with mixes like that, I’m not judging you. I’m just saying you might not get lucky like I did.
If you’ve had a similar experience, I’d really like to hear about it. I’ve always wondered if anyone else has ever locked in like that right at the edge.
40mg Hydrocodone
20mg Ambien
3mg Xanax
A whole bottle of tequila
I thought I could ride it out. I’d taken stuff before and thought I knew my limits. But this time was different.
I was laying on my friend’s couch, and I remember my vision started tunneling in. Black closing in from the edges. I felt like I was sinking. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. But I was still conscious in my head. I remember thinking, “Am I dying right now?” but I physically couldn’t react.
Then I heard my friend say, “Is he okay?”
That one sentence snapped something in me. I believe it was my ego. Something deep in me refused to let my friends see me die or lose control like that. Somehow I sat up, stumbled to the bathroom, and started violently throwing up.
I remember the panic in my body. Everything was telling me I was about to die. But something overrode it. I don’t know if it was adrenaline, pride, a trauma response, or all of it. But it was real. It pulled me out.
Looking back, I know I OD’d. Not enough to go fully unconscious, but enough that I was slipping under. That combo can and does kill people. I was inches from death and totally aware of it.
I think about it a lot. The silence. The weight in my body. The way I couldn’t speak. I remember trying to text a friend to come get me even though they were two hours away. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that fear.
If you’re reading this and still messing with mixes like that, I’m not judging you. I’m just saying you might not get lucky like I did.
If you’ve had a similar experience, I’d really like to hear about it. I’ve always wondered if anyone else has ever locked in like that right at the edge.
