I think there's one thing holding me back from quitting.

[Jabberwocky]

Right, well, how to start. I relapsed in September and haven't quit since. I keep making excuses for me not to quit my habit of opiates and benzos, but recently there's something that is really holding me back. I have worked out the issue that caused me to relapse in the first place (mainly through a drugged up stupor).

Whenever I seem to come off the drugs now- I suffer the most intense and horrific nightmares I've had in my life. The days I have off the drugs I dream about such horrific things, I suffer from sleep paralysis and I can't shake it. During my 6 month break I also suffered the same, but it was manageable. Now I have found a way to escape from these nightmares, I never want to stop. Of course I love the euphoria I get from opiates but its marginal compared to what it once used to be.

The one that really sticks in my head was recently, I had a vision of a naked woman come into my mothers bedroom where I used to sleep. I was in the bed, and heard my dog barking in a way which I knew something was wrong. The barking stopped slowly into a whimper, and I had no doubt someone was in the house. I realised that I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. I was stuck, paralysed in my mothers bed. Then the door opened, and in comes this naked, fowl woman, skinny to the bone, like death itself. It walked up to me, looked me over, slowly and menacingly and then it sat ontop of me. I tried my hardest to fight the thing off me but all I could do was scream. It was ultra realistic, I couldn't distinguish it from real life. The thing then started to get go down closer to my face, looking me in the eyes - all I could see was darkness and pain. The face of a mangled, bruised and underfed woman stared at me. It then moved around my body, its hips and legs around my torso as if the woman was a contortionist. I closed my eyes. And in real life too, my girlfriend woke me up and even my mother too who sleeps a few bedrooms away. I was screaming so loud in real life they thought I was having a heart attack. I was sweating, hyperventilating and shaking. So I control myself a little and think okay, it's just a dream. I try and fall asleep again but oh no that isn't happening. I get stuck in cycles of sleep paralysis that I can't stop. I can't move. I'm stuck to the bed. I hear voices, and feel this impeding fear upon me. I'm terrified, I'm paralysed. I scream and shut my eyes. Each time my girlfriend woke me up. It was about 5-6 before I said oh fuck this shit and I took a handful of Valium. Peace. Finally. On this night I was drug free. I'd taken nothing.

Since I'm scared to sleep without being under the influence. Whenever I'm not these nightmares happen and they won't go away. I had another two days ago while slightly less under benzos, but I can't remember it as vividly.

I usually take opiates simply because the withdrawals won't be as bad. I relapsed on a huge dose if benzos, but actually I've come down and don't take them as often anymore. I'm somewhat happy at that - as they depersonalise me, but still. I've run out of opiates this weekend and I resorted again to the benzos. It's just a ever going cycle that never ends.

When will the nightmares go away?

When will I be free?

A unhappy, scared and upset way to start my day again.

to continue and make matters worse, im in opiate withdrawal at the moment. i tried a cwe this evening on some tablets and that went horribly wrong so i have to wait until tuesday probably to get ahold of any opiates, if even then. maybe it's a sign. whatever it is i don't like it. god i'm pissed off today.

 

[Pagey]

That sounds absolutely terrifying synthetic. Thankfully I've never had sleep paralysis but from what I've heard, I can imagine it to be a genuinely horrific experience.
Although I don't know much about it I suppose it's probably the result of some very deep-rooted issues - since recurrent nightmares always are and sleep paralysis kind of sounds like amplified nightmares of sorts. I am vaguely scared of sleeping because it used to be every single night, I'd have to watch my mom and siblings get murdered by my father. Obviously I could kinda guess myself where this was coming from, but it's not before I started to really address it in therapy and to work on my parental issues blablabla that I managed to get those nightmares under control. Now it'll only happen maybe once a week, at most.
I'd suggest the same thing for you, really try to think about where that sleep paralysis might be coming from, and what those images especially mean to you. Maybe continue to take the drugs while you're working on it - but just remember that there's definitely a reason for this and if you can pinpoint it, it'll surely make things better

 

[Jabberwocky]

Oh I've tried to pinpoint the problems of my dreams. I've been struggling to deal with my life recently, it's been very boring, I'm meant to be studying when I just can't be bothered. I don't know if the whole dream was a reaction to me being tied down to my drug use, my girlfriend would never put up with it and she has caught me a few times with drugs but never under the influence. It's a tough battle - do the drugs or keep the best girl ever. You know, that eternal sunshine that drugs bring yet the eternal sunshine that my girlfriend COULD bring, as she's brought some extra baggage into my life with some of her friends and problems which is what caused my relapse. Of course it's not entirely my fault - I put the tablets in my mouth, I'd thought about relapsing in June and had the pills ready but still restrained myself and threw them away.

I don't know. It seems like when I stop taking drugs problems crop up, on drugs there's no problem apart from when can I get my next fix. While I'm on drugs everything is fine, or I just don't care I think. That's how I lost my friends, as I simply stopped givingn a shit about them and the drugs took them away. I preferred the drugs. And I think I prefer the drugs to my girlfriend too. I'm just so uncertain and unsure.

I think I'd prefer to be socially isolated my whole lfe with no external contacts andon drugs. But then what will I have achieved? Do I even want to achieve anything?

 

[hthr007]

I am SO sorry you're dealing with this synthetix.

Quitting drugs is hard enough by itself and now there's the added stressor of terrifying nightmares. I wish I could help you with how to stop the nightmares. Have you tried consulting with a therapist? (I'm not sure if you mentioned it in your post, I had to skip over the part where you were describing your nightmares because I was a little frightened myself from the description).

People sometimes view nightmares/sleep paralysis as "normal" and "part of life" and something that needs to be dealt with. They don't understand the depth of it and how terrifying it truly is. It's not always easily fixed by meditation/yoga/"thinking happy thoughts" and relaxing.

Have you tried lucid dreaming? What it is is being aware that youre dreaming while you are dreaming. That's something that I'm now able to do where I can sort of control the direction that my dreams are going in. Sometimes it's fun too because if you're having a pleasant dream you can make it go even better.

There are tons of books, CDs, websites etc on the topic. Here's a link that'll just explain a little what it is.

http://m.wikihow.com/Lucid-Dream

 

[Pagey]

Oh I've tried to pinpoint the problems of my dreams. I've been struggling to deal with my life recently, it's been very boring, I'm meant to be studying when I just can't be bothered. I don't know if the whole dream was a reaction to me being tied down to my drug use, my girlfriend would never put up with it and she has caught me a few times with drugs but never under the influence. It's a tough battle - do the drugs or keep the best girl ever. You know, that eternal sunshine that drugs bring yet the eternal sunshine that my girlfriend COULD bring, as she's brought some extra baggage into my life with some of her friends and problems which is what caused my relapse. Of course it's not entirely my fault - I put the tablets in my mouth, I'd thought about relapsing in June and had the pills ready but still restrained myself and threw them away.

I don't know. It seems like when I stop taking drugs problems crop up, on drugs there's no problem apart from when can I get my next fix. While I'm on drugs everything is fine, or I just don't care I think. That's how I lost my friends, as I simply stopped givingn a shit about them and the drugs took them away. I preferred the drugs. And I think I prefer the drugs to my girlfriend too. I'm just so uncertain and unsure.

I think I'd prefer to be socially isolated my whole lfe with no external contacts andon drugs. But then what will I have achieved? Do I even want to achieve anything?

Yeah I know exactly what you mean and I think a lot of us here struggle with that dilemma. It's difficult to balance strong drug use with a 'normal' life, but I guess what you have to remember is that the drugs won't last forever...eventually you'll stop feeling your DOC, and then others you use to replace it, etc., and by the time that happens you don't want to have any regrets about what could be in the rest of your life. Maybe for the moment you could try alternating between drugs a lot to avoid getting addicted to a specific one, until you get the sleep paralysis sorted.
Also, do you think maybe it's possible you're ignoring certain real/legitimate problems in your life (be it with what you're doing with it, the people you're doing it with, etc.) because you think your only issues with them stem from your drug use, when that may not necessarily be the case?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah I've talked to my therapist about it and she explains to me as the curse of addiction holding me down in my mothers house by its grips and eventually to my death. Perhaps I think that's the way to go though sometimes. Maybe I would enjoy that life more than the one I do at the moment, but then again, when I was sober it was really fantastic. Time went much slower though and I couldn't keep up either. Nothing went fast enough and I wasn't excited enough. It caught up to me when some stressors came flooding back into my life too.

It seems like only god can save me from my sins in life.

I'm thoroughly addicted to opiates. I always have been and always will be. They don't work anywhere near as well as they used to and all the euphoria I onced experienced with them is gone because I've abused them so much. But they still numb my feelings, emotions and life to a point where it's bearable. Benzos, I can come off in a few days. But the opiates, goddamn it they are the worst. You crave them, imagine you dropped some somewhere in the house and hope you'll find them but never do. They make you do stupid, stupid shit when you're withdrawing. I've spent the good part of the past 2 hours hoping ill find some I've dropped somewhere when I know they aren't there.

My problems definitely stem largely from my drug use regarding the pain I inflict on those around me. But I use them to stop the pain that others inflict onto me. I used to take pity on myself through computer games and get trapped in a little world. How easy it is to be stuck in your own world where you're the king. I was one of the best EU world of Warcraft players along with a top ranking Diablo 3 character. I was the king again. But that's long gone now. I started playing using drugs, and whenever I get online crack, I'm craving those opiates or benzos.

I wish I just had someone to let myself out on. To just talk about the most retarded, simplistic fucked up things. Someone to lean on, instead of me being leant on by the world. That's what I lost in 2011, 2010 and 2009. Since then I can't even lean on my girlfriend as I just don't know what to say to her.

I have many problems in life I haven't fully resolved. The death of two of my best friends for instance. I still believe one of them is alive out there but is just hiding. I see her sometimes, people look exactly like her. But I know it's my imagination. I just want to scream out "Rosie!" When I see these people, but I know I'd just look crazy. I don't know when I'll get over it. It's a serious case of PTSD I'm faced with, as stupid as it sounds - I haven't been to a war zone etc. but it's definitely changed my life. The way I can't trust anyone, the way I feel that if I let someone into my life they will betray me - which incidentally is why I relapsed again. I trusted too much, and there we go, I was about to lose my girlfriend who is my everything. Maybe that's another of my problems, I'm dependant on her, but the drugs let me escape from that too. Fuck it's wearing me out confessing this.

 

[Pagey]

synthetix, a lot of what you're saying really resonates with me. I really understand the need to escape into another world where you can be your own hero. Personally I do that in writing, I invent my own life as I wish it could be and it just feels so much better than reality that I figure I may as well continue to live reality through drugs (opiates and benzos, like you).

I know it isn't the same, at all, as having someone in your 'real' life to lean on, but please feel free to PM me if you would like/ need to unload, or just want to talk about what's bothering you and stuff - I'd be more than happy to try to help.

The PTSD you mentioned doesn't sound stupid at all, quite the contrary. Have you tried CBT aimed at people suffering from PTSD? I've been doing that in the past few months to deal with being raped and it's helped a lot - you learn to recognize and eliminate the negative behavioral patterns that have emerged from it.

 

[mrflowers00]

try seeing a hypnotherapist to see if you can't work this out that way

 

[Jabberwocky]

I've tried hypnotherapy. I've tried counselling, CBT, therapy, meds ou name hi. Nothing helps. It sounds pathetic but I just need someone that's not ,y girlfriend whom can call anytime I like to do anything. Movie, skydiving, chilling whatever. I've noisy like that anymore. That's all I lack. I feel like ill never find another true best friend.

Little disorientated at the moment. Stomachs burning and can't fall asleep yet I'm on a mixture of downers uppers and roundabouters. Perhaps I'll wake up in a brighter world instead of this one.

 

[herbavore]

As completely trite as this is going to sound, I am going to say it anyway: you have to be that best friend. Needing to escape and numb your emotions is just pointing up how badly you need to stop and turn around and look yourself in the face with both acceptance and compassion. No one else can ever actually do that for you with any reliability--not because wonderful, loyal friends are not there to be had but because life happens and change occurs--people move, they change, they die and go away forever. So you have to be that friend first, then the others come and go and you are always there to greet them or to mourn their loss, but you are always there. ((((()))))