I think that I'm beyond help....

[Istayhigh0126]

Idk why I come here to make this thread. It's probably because I have no real friends and my family just doesn't give a shit. I take 120mg of methadone everyday for a LONG time now. Recently I got into some trouble and may be forced to do 20 days in county jail. That's nothing, I've been to prison before for 18 months so 20 days shouldn't be too bad. When I went to prison i was on 100mg of methadone a day and I literally had NO WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS.

I'll go ahead and get to the reason I'm writing this. With the trouble I'm in, and with everything bad that keeps happening to me I have been seriously contemplating suicide. My mind is pretty much made up. Can't stand blood so cutting wrists is out and I hear it usually doesn't work anyway. The only other method I can think of besides overdosing on methadone and Xanax is to hang myself. If I do thought I'm scared my neck won't break and I'll suffer for awhile and it could take up to 30 minutes before death sets in. I know someone or many people will say it isn't worth it or things will get better, but they wont. Not in my case. I really don't know what the question I want to ask is, I'm not looking for answers I just felt like I needed to tell someone, just to get the weight off my shoulders. I feel like if I had someone to talk to that maybe it would help but I don't have anyone.

Maybe someone here has been in this situation before and was thinking the same thing but then decided that they didn't want to die but would rather live. Well not me, I'm tired. Tired of the way my life is tired of being depressed all the time. Tired of never getting to see my son. Tired of the way my family is. I'm tired of living. If I do it then I wouldn't have to worry or stress ab all the things that go wrong and continue to go wrong. So, here I am crying while I type wanting to hang myself but too afraid to do it. I just wish I had someone who could relate or someone....well not someone to talk to but someone who is willing to listen....my heart is broken and I have nothing to live for and like I said I don't want to live anymore. Sorry for the long post, but if there is anyone out there who thinks they can help me through the bullshit I'm going through that maybe it would help. Idk. Anyway I really don't know what else to say....

P.s. yes I have tried counseling and no it didn't work or even help.

 

[PotatoMan]

Homeless -----> TDS

 

[Istayhigh0126]

Where did my thread get moved to?
Nevermind I see it's in The Dark Side forums

 

[dez79]

If you have truly reached the bottom theres only one way and that's up , sometimes u have to go threw hell to get to heaven . please don't your young u can change, tell docs how u feel maybe u need some antidepressant or anxiety treatment , crying is healthy let it go

 

[Listening]

If the 20 days isn't such a big deal for you, then why is it triggering this now? Maybe try to get through those 20 days (which will be tough, but obviously doable for you) and then re-assess.

Maybe you're right: that the rest of your life is going to be pretty shitty most of the time. Life seems to be like that for some people. Nevertheless, maybe throughout the shittyness, there's the odd good thing here and there (seeing your son, etc) that at least gives reason to bear through it. Most of the bits may be garbage, but just a few jewels may make it all finally worthwhile.

Anyway, you said you just wanted someone to listen. I think you came to the right place. Keep talking please.

 

[cannabis cowboy]

Hold on man, what kind of suffering is really in store? You can make it brother.

 

[cannabis cowboy]

Besides, like Dez79 said. You're young, someone out there cares man. How about this cannabis cowboy on bluelight cares if you die. That's at least one person. If you off yourself, the coroner doesn't clean the mess, you're landlord, or family have to clean up. Don't put them through that.

 

[Mudguppy]

Besides, like Dez79 said. You're young, someone out there cares man. How about this cannabis cowboy on bluelight cares if you die. That's at least one person. If you off yourself, the coroner doesn't clean the mess, you're landlord, or family have to clean up. Don't put them through that.

Brand new guy here....But like cc, I also care. Been doing drugs to some degree or other for almost 30 years, and can't even remember how many times I've felt like you are. But in the end, I just couldn't do that to my family and (very few) close friends. But damn the day I outlive them all, then it's ON! (shitty attempt at humor, but I try....)
Anyway, there's 2 of us just right here that care. Keep on talking brother. Or feel free to PM me if you'd like.

Mudguppy

 

[herbavore]

Best thing you can do is to forgive yourself for everything in the past (that includes the past second) and begin to encourage rather than discourage your own unique spirit. Who knows what led you to addiction? It was something, that's for sure. Everyone has a story and yours is as worthy as anyone's. Please do not give up on yourself and your ability to turn life around on your own terms. You don't have to live up to anyone's ideals or prescriptions for a successful existence. A successful existence is simply one where you make the world a little kinder, for others and for yourself. Everything else IMO, exists on the outside of that one truth. So, do that while you are in jail and once you get out. The punishing world of the War on Drugs is designed to make you feel like a personal failure. That's a crock of bullshit. Don't internalize it. Stay strong.