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I think my housemate is a chronic masturbator...

^ You've misread what I wrote. My girl and I were not having sex loudly at all... though even if we were I'm not sure if that gives him license to jerk off over the sounds.

again, to put this in context, I actually don't know this guy well at all... I've known him for a few weeks. He's some guy subletting a room in my house that I've been living in for years. Nothing like this has ever happened with any of my previous flatmates, they've all been pretty chill. I'd love to be his buddy, but it's all gotten off to a bad start seeing as I find myself doing his dishes, scrubbing his shit smears out of the toilet bowl and sweeping his pube trimmings off the bathroom floor on a regular basis. The wanking sounds wouldn't bother me so much if a) I could sleep at night, (we're talking like consecutive cock flailing sessions with full blown screaming at 1am, 3:30am, then 7am) and b) I didn't have to use the same semen encrusted shower as him. I'm sure he's got a good heart or whatnot but I'm really not in a place to be his pal under the circumstances. The guy needs proper psychiatric help. If that makes me a dick in your mind, so be it. Even if I thought he might be cool to play his creepy wanking noises back to him as some sort of 'buddy' joke, I don't think I'll be putting my tape recorder on his bed, seeing as it appears to be heavily soiled and has no sheets.

Previous posters are right. I know I need to ask him to leave. I'm just gonna have to grow some balls and do it, and hope he doesn't have a knife collection or a shit-smearing tendency or something.
 
My condolences for the sticky situation you haave found yourself in man, but i just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting all this, and i gotta thank old wailing wanker for inspiring you. I have been laughing my ass off for a full hour reading this.

If it was me i would probably just laugh about it all the time and not give a shit except for if i Had to use that bathroom there was no option of avoiding it. (i guess good rubber swimming shoes for the bathroom not used anywhere else and stored in a bag or something?). I mean who knows what kind of madness has gone down in there. Only one way to find out but you probably wouldn't want to as its most likely far worse and depraved than could even be imagined. at least you haven't started finding blood stains everywhere yet.

but seriously sounds like to you its past the point of being funny so just flat out talk to him about it and tell him your concerns and what needs to change. I mean he has to figure you all know about it if its really that fucking loud. like others have said have a house meeting so everyone can pitch in their point of view. And after the air is cleared if it doesn't change just give the boot adios bon voyage.
 
If he has a high libido, then doing it many times a day is normal.

The issue here isn't that he masturbates a lot, it's that he's doing it in inappropriate ways that affect the people he's living with. You need to let him know that you can hear him and that it bothers you. If he wants to do it, he has to respect the boundaries of others.
 
augustaB said:
You could try whacking off in revenge. You might even enjoy it.
Click to expand...
Best and most accurate response. The only way this will go wrong is if hes not bothered by your banshee jacking. I say to not only make it very awkward but highly disturbing(or maybe deeply deeply concerning...)you should wait for him to begin and try to match his wails. Like I said he'll either be terrified or the worse option he won't be bothered(if that doesn't bother him though....). Do it for an entire night and maybe by his morning session he'll be packing his bags or maybe super comically he might confront you about it, which would be hilarious either way though you'll have some sort of result which is better than you pounding your GF whilst thinking about some bro pounding it to you pounding her forever and ever........;)
 
Damn I never felt the need to scream like a banshee while pulling the pud. I think your roommate might be an innovator. Don't write him off man. He might be full of ideas crazy enough to be cool. Fuck this PC "don't scream while you pleasure yourself" bullshit. Do you really wanna be a bad roommate?

What are you doing that you need to concentrate so much that a little background noise is unacceptable? I think the problem's all in your head. You should just ask him if he takes care of his loads in a hygienic way. That's the big concern. I'd be weirded out to take a bath or something.
 
Kick him to the curb,
You have a life too, roommates have to respect each others boundarys.
plus it's fucking disgusting to hear a GUY jerking off.
He KNOWS what he's doing, and he's taking advantage of your laid back nature.
 
jesus fuck, you're all fucking extremists.

just let him know what the deal is, and that it's bothering you. ask him to be more discreet. i don't really see why you should kick him out. and there is no need to act disgusted by it. guys (and girls alike) masturbate, and that's a simple fact of life.

just let him know that it's getting a bit out of hand, and ask him to tone it down.
 
augustaB said:
You could try whacking off in revenge. You might even enjoy it.
Click to expand...

best idea yet, get the whole house to handle the business so often and so loudly that you get the authorieties called. shit everyone in the house will probably become so damn upbeat and happy. this is probably the beginnings of a transcendatal leap forward
 
I purpose a intervention. Make sure your all waiting in the lounge when he gets home one day, then say "sit down, we need to talk, we're all worried about you".

Other ideas could include buying him a gag to gag his mouth with, or everyone in the house ear muffs to block the banshee moans.

Unless you were to invade his privacy to see if he has any pictures of you in your sleep, or recorded you and your girl friend doing it, maybe he has some dead kittens in a plastic bag, he sounds like a total weirdo.
 
did I mention he cries sometimes afterwards? I've been unable to distinguish whether its the result of layers deeply embedded shame which will take a lifetime of therapy to correct or actual physical pain. I feel this horrible conflict of disgust, empathy, sadness, pity and outrage every time I hear it.

lately he's being trying out a new tactic of politely coughing or clearing his throat after the initial UUUUUUUUUUUGHHHH in a feeble attempt to disguise the fact that he's quite clearly almost tugged in cock off in a furious masturbatory rampage.

I've started documenting the noises on my camera phone.. I showed some friends last night and they almost pissed themselves, I don't think understood the extent of the issue before. I'll put a video online when sufficient data has been collected.
 
did I mention he cries sometimes afterwards? I've been unable to distinguish whether its the result of layers deeply embedded shame which will take a lifetime of therapy to correct or actual physical pain. I feel this horrible conflict of disgust, empathy, sadness, pity and outrage every time I hear it.
Click to expand...

Yikes!!

lately he's being trying out a new tactic of politely coughing or clearing his throat after the initial UUUUUUUUUUUGHHHH in a feeble attempt to disguise the fact that he's quite clearly almost tugged in cock off in a furious masturbatory rampage.

I've started documenting the noises on my camera phone.. I showed some friends last night and they almost pissed themselves, I don't think understood the extent of the issue before. I'll put a video online when sufficient data has been collected.
Click to expand...

LOL!
 
samsavenger said:
I've started documenting the noises on my camera phone.. I showed some friends last night and they almost pissed themselves, I don't think understood the extent of the issue before. I'll put a video online when sufficient data has been collected.
Click to expand...

I'm not sure that publicly humiliating him is the best thing to do.

Talk to him, say that sometimes he is really loud, could he please quiet down, it's distracting, etc.
 
Here's what you do:

Invite him out for drinks one night- the alcohol will lubricate (no pun intended) your inhibitions, and his, to the point where you can speak about this like grown adults. Explain to him that you understand his need to relieve himself once in a while, but that overhearing him is a bit of an odd experience to say the least.

You can bring up the whole "him listening to you bone" thing sensitively- just say that you heard him while you were having sex and it interrupted your strokes or something- jokes, as always, are welcome in situations like this where he's likely to be pretty embarassed. This way you've not only gotten rid of the awkwardness, but you've opened dialogue for any future issues that might arise so you can deal with them without excess fuss.

And then, when he least expects it, punch him right in the dick.
 
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