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I think my housemate is a chronic masturbator...

S

samsavenger

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 2, 2008
Messages
42
... and he's LOUD.

I was just woken up by extremely loud, short, incredibly disturbing moans coming from the bathroom... my bedroom is on the other side of the house and I'm not a light sleeper.

I'd shrug this off if it were the first time it's happened. It's not. It also happened earlier tonight at 1am, and last night at 5:30am... and the saturday morning at 7:30am... and the day before, and the day before that, etc... pretty much every time he takes a shower too.. and i hear it coming from his room on occasion...

I mean everyone jerks off... whatever right... sure it's a bit weird in shared spaces like the bathroom... and IT SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING BANSHEE FROM THE BOWELS OF HELL IS GIVING BIRTH TO LITTLE JERK-OFF MONSTERS ON THE FUCKING TILES... multiple times a night.

he just moved in a month ago and this isn't the only problem so far. the guy is weird. I can't ignore it any longer. how on earth does one confront someone about this? wtf do I do?
 
another disturbing thing I forgot to add...

I had my girlfriend over a few days ago and we were gettin busy... not particularly loudly but I'm sure you could hear if you tried... anyway I heard him walk past my room a couple of times... paused... 100% sure he heard us... then it's into the bathroom and the fucking wank-banshee is back again...

also, my other housemate and his girlfriend have very noisy sex which is plenty disturbing in its own right... but alas, the jerk-demon can be heard waling into the night over their grunting also.

is this normal behaviour?
 
bathrooms can really distort echoes, are you sure he isn't just singing while he cleans the tiles? You really should talk to him about this, he could just be frustrated that you aren't taking the chores seriously.
 
haha, great thread. no thats not normal... but who really is?
I'd joke around and say "hey keep it down in there you jack-a-holic"
About listening to you guys have sex...thats just fuckin weird.
 
is this behavior normal? define normal! if you stick a mouse in a cage and give it access to crack, itl do crack until it dies. your roomate or any other chronic masturbator suffer from the same condition. normal isnt the right word to use here, but "healthy" sure is, and chronic masturbation is far from healthy (for men - women do not suffer from such loss of vitality).

is it weird? how is being attracted to two people having sex "weird?" id say thats safe to call normal. however, purposely desiring no contact with you, wanting to observe you in secret, to use you for personal consumption without your consent - this is the markings of sociopathic behavior, toss the sexual nature aside. weird is still an inappropriate term as a certain percentage of any population is bound to produce a few sociopaths, with western civilization outright encouraging such behavioral archetypes. that being said, id feign nativity and keep a watchful eye while finding a replacement roomate or new home for myself. sociopaths i have known many, and good roomates they do not make.

first try the peaceful approach, and stoically inform him of your perception, and explain why it interferes with your maintenance of harmony with your home. Avoid judgment in any form. If he becomes defensive or denies it, simply inform him of your concerns with the noise level.

if over time he is entirely non compliant, if reiterate your need for certain levels of noise at certain times, and a mindfulness of shared spaces. as non compliance increases, your search for new roomates/new place to live should increase.

its quite likely that he is a bit of a lost soul, feels a bit outcast by society, and probably doesnt have the best self esteem. as someone who is at least able to acknowledge that this is undesirable behavior and should be commonly perceived as such, you do owe it to him to be a good friend and see if he has any feelings or issues he needs to discuss and overcome. You also might want to introduce him to the idea that every time he jerks off, he surrenders his masculine vitality, and that shit dont grow on trees. To drive that point home, you might want to speak to him after hes had a banshee session, its doubtful hed be very physically reactive after letting that out.
 
forgive me for sounding judgemental... it wasn't my intention to seek verification of his 'weirdness' or whatnot, but rather to seek advice on how I should address this issue thats causing me to feel alienated in my own home.

Things are incredibly awkward with this guy already. I've had to confront him over not cleaning up after himself a couple of times already which did not go down well. This in combination with his lack of regard for things I've said to him, others space, a few broken promises and general lack of decency has created a situation where I have trouble conversing with or even looking this guy in the eyes. I'm a non-confrontational person by nature and I find it difficult to have to bring up such negative things with someone who has shown me that they're not really capable of dealing with them. I'd actually like him to leave, but I don't know if I have it in me to kick him out.
 
This is by far the most hilarious thing I've read all day. Thank you so much for the laughs!

I'm sorry I can't really add anything useful at the moment, I'll come back later when I'm sobered up and not laughing my tits off.
 
holy shit he's at it again... I need to get some audio of this, I've never heard anything quite like it. deeply, deeply concerning.
 
Just kick him out. It sounds like he is creating a toxic and stressful environment in your home, which is not good at all. Give him notice that he has to be out by the end of the month because he is not behaving as a respectful housemate should. If he is not on the lease, then it seems like the odds are in your favor for you to be able to kick him out with no legal repercussions. If you don't want to do it by yourself, then gather a house meeting where all the roommates can state their complaints about him in consensus.
 
Leave a post-it note inside the bathroom on the toilet roll and on the toilet seat, as follows,

"Sup. If you're thinking about bop'in the bishop, again, keep the noise down. The sound of you pulling your pud all the time is shitting all over my mind. Not kool bro."

Obviously word it how you wish, but sometimes a note is more effective than face to face. He has to see the note and remove it to gain access to spooge rag too, so that in itself will trigger some feeling of guilt or introspection into his habits. Also take sympathy.. chronic masturbation is a symptom of very low esteem/confidence.. no man is ment to be like that. He needs pussy but obviously doesn't know how to get it :/
 
It sounds like the issue is his continued disrespect for your house rules. Have you made these rules clear to him? If you have, I think it wold be appropriae to ask him to leave. Give him a month to be out if he is not on the lease.

If he is on the lease, you are fucked. Or rather, you will have to sit down with him and talk to him about this. I would let him know that you don't really care what he does, but it is simply disrespectful to use a shared (if private) space to jerk it in, and to be so incredibly loud that you disturb everyone in the house. There is nothing wrong with rubbing one out in the shower every once in a while, but your roommates can't know, and that shit can't go on all the time.
The last thing you want to do is to make him feel bad about the jerking off itself, or he will probably become extremely defensive. Good luck bro. Maybe you can post back the dialogue of this conversation so we can all lulz about it.
 
leaving a note is lame, passive-aggressive bs.

op, i echo what muvolution wrote. this obviously bothers you - you need to find a way to talk to him about this.

alasdair
 
rm-rf said:
You also might want to introduce him to the idea that every time he jerks off, he surrenders his masculine vitality, and that shit dont grow on trees.
Click to expand...

That thread has very little in the form of solid information on the topic. Do you have any better sources for this?

I respect a lot of Taoism and the principles behind it, but remember that traditional Taoism is full of things like "retrograde ejaculation redirects sexual energy to the brain", etc. I feel that too many orgasms are certainly a drain on the body, but what evidence do you have for every orgasm having a negative impact on the body?
 
This thread is quite amusing, but I am sorry for your troubles. As for this guy's health, I doubt it is being harmed by this masturbation, even if it is above-normal in frequency. But, this is not your concern one way or another. You need to be open and honest with him about your concerns and your quality of living, which he directly affects do such close proximity. Do not make him feel bad, in fact, if you intend on kicking him out, you likely do not need to bring up the masturbating or him pausing to enjoy you and your girlfriend have sex. Just say he is overall inconsiderate. If you wish to let him have a chance, explain to him more so how he affects you with examples like the masturbation. There is always a way to bring something up subtly.
 
well whatever you do make a video montage of everytime you hear him and link it up here first. then if he doesnt understand the seriousness of the situation play it for him so he can see it from your point of view.
 
dude your being a dick..so how is you having sex really loud any different? sounds like your just angry with your life and picking on the guy. if you don't like him or what he's doing then grow the balls to talk to him man!! i agree it's a funny story, but at the same time..hahah i dont know man. but just kind of bothered me the part where u were like, "me and my girlfriend were having sex really loud" as if sex is more socially acceptable then masturbation...which i guess it is, but is no excuse to hate on him. i dunno do u see my point? he might try to bring that up too, about you having sex with your girl. just make a joke out of it, record it, and put the tape and a tape player on his bed and tell him to listen to it and just have a good laugh about it..be his buddy man, it sounds like he needs one...real talk.
 
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