I think my friend has a crush on my sweetheart, what should I do?

[Shadowsblaze]

JGJ no he had never met her until that day though he new I was in love after a year. And in the end a year later I screwed up with one kiss with her best friend. My girl was at Parsons modeling and her friend initiated the kiss. I felt guilty and told my girl and that was the end. I lived in Jersey so are relationship was hard emotionally because I always wanted to be with her. And so after getting over the breakup it was kind of a relief that daily I didn't ache for her. A note of interest, two months after breaking up I was taking a girl to the Academy of Music in the city and just having got off a bus in The Port of Authority walking down a stairway I mentioned to the girl that my ex had an Afgan Coat like the girl in front of us. She turned around and it was her, I had still been in touch trying to mend the relationship but that and the fact we got snowed in after the Yes concert and I had to stay at her uncles house with the girl, the show was over. She was my first love and still I have tried to locate her, not obsessively but the heart, who can know it.

 

[kali_love]

Hi,

I have been in this situation a few times. Sure its flattering, and of course we understand that these things happen. Im sure you also have been told its not her faullt and she cant help feeling what she feels etc etc. Perhaps she doesnt want him but rather what you have with him and the situation and kind of love yall share.

If she sees you both commited, happy, careing for one another and in love. really making it work and last, I am sure the whole thing makes her feel envious. As woman, were always looking for a good guy and its hard to find. So she sees you with a good guy whos making you happy and so naturally she wants what you have. Very normal, natural.....and if I were you it would be driving me absaloutly crazy!

Regardless of how normal it is, I would prefer none of my friends ever fancy my sig other. It feels thretening and worrysom and even though were pretty sure were commited, it brings about what if's.
Might I suggest you tell her how awesome she is, and how you think its time for her to find a nice man to treat her well and show her how great she is.. Suggest joining I dont know, plentyoffish or something.
Tell her youd love to help her write a profile becauss you easily see all her good points. Once she has her own dateing profile, and shes enjoying all the attention she could get I am sure she will be so flattered, and so busy finding her own potential mate she will forget all about yours.

Just a thought, and Im sorry your finding yourself in this situation

Kali

 

[junegreenjeans]

Thanks for sharing Kali, very kind of you. Good advice all round. I will continue being her friend, supportive and caring. She is a good person and so long as she doesn't start doing anything weird or over the top, I'll continue opening the door with open arms; alas, I am slightly weary now and my spidey sense has been renewed because as someone else mentioned, I haven't known her that long and true colours tend to start showing up about, well, now.

Hey we deal with other men looking at us too right? It's how we deal with that that matters yes? Indeed.
I trust my love and I know what we have is super strong and ultimately the only things that can mess with us, is 'us' ourselves and there's no intention to destroy what we waited so long to find so....

It would just be a shame to have to cut off ties to her. I like her, we get along. I hope your right. I hope it is as simple as an innocent admiration of what he and I have, share, what we are to each other.
But holy smokes, if she is playing at something, wow, I truly feel for her because I am mighty protective of our lives and if anyone ever tries to manipulate us for their delusional intentions, well, look out. I won't feel bad either. I believe many of us, both men and women would react if someone attempted to muck about with our heart and the one closest to it.

Hey, you have a great day dear lady, appreciate the insight. Thanking you kindly
JGJ

 

[Mysterie]

Mysterie, does that mean you'd be comfortable with the notion that your friend possibly fantasizes about your significant other? True enough, one cannot control with whom they fall in love with. Generally however, I believe in my humble pie opinion that if it's not a two way thing, it's more 'infatuation' than Love; but hey, if you don't see the big deal, well, your bigger than I am. Good on you.

i wouldnt care if they did, if my hypothetical GF ended up going out with my friend then id find someone else, i dont like notions of ownership when it comes to relationships

but its then up to them if they have an obsession with a friends SO, to see the SO them less and have less contact with that person

your probably right about it being infatuation but ive had a similar thing where i was the person infatuated with a friends gf and i think u can see in someones eyes after a while if they are infatuated with u aswell

 

[junegreenjeans]

protected, not owned

Agreed Mysterie, I too do not agree with the notion of ownership and in no way do I feel I own my love. What will be will be. It's just an odd situation is all.

hey, thanks for sharing your story and I wish you well

 

[ilikestims]

i don't see this as an issue unless you make it one

first of all, she can't "do" anything to your SO. he would have to be a willing participant.

there are always going to be women who desire your man. okay, so you're friends with one and it's activating your own insecurities. you're threatened and now you're debating cutting it off with her. but imo the mature thing to do is to assiilate these insecurities into your being and learn to live with them comfortably.

the way i see it, if this woman ever somehow "stole" your SO, you two weren't meant to be anyway. there was something in her he couldn't resist and that you couldn't provide. you can put all kinds of different faces on it, but if that is the truth, it's going to happen one way or another, this year or 10 years from now, you know what i mean?

imo i think you are doing her a great service by showing her what a (presumably) healthy relationship between two committed people looks like. that example stays in our psyches and does far more good than we can imagine. and she's in no position to threaten your relationship anyway, so relax.

 

[junegreenjeans]

Exercising compassion

Thank you so much for that. Yes, I agree, your right. Not an issue unless I make it one.. I have to say though, your compassionate approach speaks very well to me, for although I have full confidence in who and what my husband and I are to each other,( the love is strong), the 'like' is so very much there as well that ultimately, all I want is for him to be happy; and though it would indubitably crumble my foundation if I ever lost him, I like to think that after a time of mourning, I would be happy for him. I like to think I'm that big but who really knows.

Yes, insecurity does come into play no matter how strong he and I are. I am human with all my flaws and somewhat tattered ends; but I have compassion and believe in goodness.

She is beautiful person and I must not lose sight that her 'behavior' as of late could very well be stemmed from what she is witnessing in he and I's wonderful connection. I must learn to differentiate 'admiration' from 'infatuation or unjust mild obsession' and remember that she too is human and for all her strengths and wonderful attributes, she is fragile as well. Maybe our place in her life IS to show her what a good union is.
Your comments on your last paragraph summed it up well; after all, she is a friend, albeit a new one, I know she's good so yes, showing her what a healthy relationship looks like can only benefit her when she makes her future choices.
It's interesting you know; when she first came to us, he thought she liked me and became very protective. It took some time for him to relax about the idea that it was alright for me to have friends. (a result no doubt of spending 99% of our time, just the two of us) We both (he and I) just moved to this town and she is the first person I have befriended.
Now, as it stands, after the unjust threat (felt byhim at first) was picked apart and deemed 'safe' we have 'both' (he and I) become rather protective of her well being and feel almost parental when it comes to her.
I know my concerns about her stem from my own insecurity and I need to let it go. I don't care how gorgeous she is or how well off financially she may be; it's not her fault she's such a looker; she's a great gal and if he and i can help her out in the self respect department, then we will. Mote it be so.
Your advice was great, the compassionate approach spoke to me and I thank you for this.