I think MDMA made me stupid

[hazmatz]

When I was 16 I started doing ecstasy at party maybe once every month. By the time I was 17 I was taking 3 pills in one night sometimes (130 lbs) and probably twice a month. When I was 18 I quit using all drugs because I developed some severe anxiety.

I'm turning 19 Tuesday (yay) but I still live with my mom and haven't been able to get a job because I'm so anxious about it and the one interview I did get I blew it by being way too nervous - voice shaking / cracking and fidgeting. Even though I had been prepared for it, my anxiety had other plans...

I also noticed I have awful memory. Sometimes I will be thinking about something in my head and I will suddenly completely forget it. And it scares the shit out of me because I can't get the thought back. I'm really bad at explaining things too - it feels like there's a concrete barrier preventing me from properly communicating an idea / thought / story. I also am very slow at every day tasks and can never seem to figure out the most efficient way to do things.

An example: I was cleaning my bathroom mirrors the other day. I walked to the kitchen to get a square of paper towel and walked back to the bathroom and used it until it was dirty and needed a new one. So I kept waking back and forth, grabbing one square of paper towel each time. It didn't even occur to me that it would be much quicker to bring the entire paper towel roll with me to the bathroom, or at least grab more than one square.

I find this stuff happening to me very often. It makes me sad because I used to be pretty smart and work focused. Now I'm lazy, depressed and anxious and I'm not even twenty yet. I used marijuana heavily as well and a few psychedelics but I think these cognitive issues are more likely to be a result of MDMA than anything else.

I don't think there's anything I can do to reverse it. I guess just wanted to share this with someone.

 

[Maya]

Hi hazmat, i believe we have had pm exchanges before about mdma effects etc. I just want to let you know that even if I did not have the memory loss you are experiencing, i suffered other nasty effects and there were people who was in the recovery period with me who had memory problems but recovered after some time. How is your nutrition, maybe you need to take a step back and re-assess your food intake, exercise etc. Sometimes it is the smallest change that might contribute to your healing. I have read that gingko biloba is supposed to help with memory and you might want to research more into this to see if you would like to try this. It just takes soe patience and perseverance to succeed. You can also try to practice your brain function by reading and perhaps some puzzles. Goodluck and pm me if you have any questions

 

[Mephistopheles.]

Your writing in intelligible and well structured from what I can tell, so all your brain power is not lost. Of course, smoking marijuana at your age (I'm older and naturally wiser ) can't be a sensible plan if your actually concerned about your memory, which you appear to be. So you've maybe knocked off a few points of your IQ, it's not a big deal, you appear almost intelligent. The solution, if you really want one, is obviously to say no to drugs for a while. I'm high right now and I need to be saying no to drugs also, as my memory is heading downhill, so I worry about similar concerns that your have regarding your own life. 8 hours sleep, exercise, nutrition, etc., etc.. you know what to do.

 

[hazmatz]

Hi Maya

Even though my memory is bad, I do remember you thanks for the comforting words. My diet isn't the greatest. My mom eats very unhealthy despite me telling her how important her health is. She's just unhealthy in general. And since I don't have a job or money, I can't really grocery shop for myself so I eat what's available - mostly junk food.

I never thought about reading. I do love to read but haven't found the time in many years.

it's just that I would think that after being drug free for over a year, I'd be a little better by now.

 

[hazmatz]

Thank you Mephistopheles. I don't plan on touching drugs again, although I do really miss it. Especially weed. But anyway. I could probably exercise more and eat a little better. Maybe I will hit up the gym soon and make a fool of myself

 

[herbavore]

hazmatz, I find that depression itself is what is doing this to my brain.

Diet is so important. If you can do nothing else, at least make one smoothie a day that contains fresh greens.
Diet and exercise are so crucial to brain function and yet as a society we are taught to believe in drug fixes over these two basic truths.

I agree that reading is a great thing. For me it is poetry. Sometimes a poem just gets right to the core of an experience that was making me feel alone and separate. reading someone's well-crafted and pared down words reaches right through and connects me to a larger experience.

Finding a creative outlet in your life--whether it is surfing,photography music, cooking or painting eg.--can be transformational when it becomes a practice that is just for you.

 

[Trying2Iso]

too much Call of Duty made me stupid.