hi there blue,
i'm not sure if i can be of any help, but i'll share with you my experience with addiction.
i started off having dabbled once or twice with cocaine, then found an easy source, and all of a sudden, i started getting it every weekend. then before i know it, for four months, I did it everyday, constantly. had it in my pocket, would sneak into the bathroom and do bumps every hour. it's super illegal in my country so i'd crotch it when i commute to meetings. some days the stuff would be laced with some weird shit that made me shaky and sweaty.
some days i go two grams on my own in a day (which i'm sure is not that much to some coke heads) but it took a toll on my wallet, and my nose, and though I make a decent living, i'm now just scraping by. i did save a lot by not drinking liquor and not eating. people have been like... why are you so skinny now? i loved the effect it gave me with reading and concentrating. i feel like if i could control it, it could be beneficial. but... obviously i can't. i had 3 hours of sleep most days, and to remedy it, I'd take a fat line, and say tomorrow i'll get myself together.
i became solitary, and weird, and i felt like the hunchback up in the clock tower, feeling so guilty sniffing, and knowing it's terrible for you, feeling like shit, nose burning and flaking, scrambled brain and the looming guilt that i'm ruining myself. then one day, i woke up and i couldn't move my arm. it was tingly, completely paralyzed. i focused on moving my fingers, but i felt like a child trying to do telekenesis with an inanimate object. like it was a weird prosthetic foam. i poked at it and couldn't feel anything. and after an hour of panicking, and crying quite frankly, the feeling came back i was able to move it. i think that was my body giving me a little warning. i knew i had to do something. easier said than done.
Attempt 1: i tried to quit cold turkey, but i ended up buying another gram. Didn't take me long to finish. and so i called my dealer but they didn't pick up. i wanted to continue my high so i looked up my nostrils and saw white stuff. started putting water up my nose to see if i could get another bump. i remembered a box of modafinil i didn't try, and it was 10am and i hadn't slept, so i popped a 200mg moda because i thought maybe it could keep me up so i can continue on with the day because i had a deadline, but i fell asleep.
i woke up in the afternoon, kind of dizzy and disoriented, like my vision was an old vhs. but after a while, it adjusted and i felt a sort of calm due dilligence. woke up, cleaned my place, showered, became decent, felt human again. for the first time in a long time, i was able to battle that psychological conundrum... to call or not to call... and always calling... then waiting on the corner, sketched out, rehearsing the handshake... always early, dealer always late... also the other psychological conundrum of whether it's actually me feeling this way or the half-life of coke, or the combination of that with modafinil.
it has been three months now and i haven't made that call. i don't wanna preach man but ROUTINE really worked for me. i took 100mg of moda everyday for the first week because i found that first day it helped curb my craving. i took it every morning after my meditation and before my morning walk until it ran out. i only had five so it was for two weeks. and yeah moda really helped me transition, but i don't wanna condone it, just telling you my experience.
the real key is to pick a time in the morning and wake the fuck up no matter what and starting the transition this instant, make a daily schedule and tell someone that loves you that you wanna stick to said schedule. you might be sleepy and depressed for the first few days, and it really fucking sucks so bad, but it's worth it and your biological clock will balance itself out. scheduling your time, meditation, etc. it's not easy and it's really hard to get up, but i always think about that dark time. i'm glad i had that because it gave me more strength, and i'm just so much better now because i've fallen into the pits.
i still miss that feeling of powder going up my nose, and at the mention of cocaine, i perk up, like every other person who loves coke (i can see it from a mile away). now that i know i have this thing i can't control, something that will live with me for the rest of my life, i can understand it and battle it with the will, to make an effort and do the best i can in life without comparing myself with anyone. the routine and diet helps you stay regimented because your mind is fixed on keeping disciplined. it's easy to fall off the tracks again when you're living the same life you had as a drug addict. coke was a psychological dungeon for me, it isolated me, so i had to change my environment. and again i hope this isn't coming off as preachy, but this is what got me out of the well.
here's my weekday schedule i kept the first month.. obviously, goes without saying, it changes slightly day-by-day, but my must-do is waking up and having a good relationship with my morning. weekends are more freestyle but i still woke up same time because i wasn't going out and partying for that month. i do creative work, so i need a lot of time to just mess around, so i scheduled mess around time. i do have the luxury of working on my own freelance schedule and a decent gym at my condo (no commute time) so whatever works for you. and find that person that loves you to make you stick to it but you gotta be serious too. man when i sent the first email asking for help and said significant other was like yeah, yeah, yeah. now i proved it.
6:30am = wake up, meditate 20 minutes, make a protein + coffee shake with coconut milk, take a walk and listen to a podcast/clear out the cobwebs
7:30- 8:30am = work due diligence: emails, create a realistic day game plan, goals and tasks
8:30am-9am = Breakfast
9-10am = Workout + post workout snack
10am - 2pm = solid work
2-3pm = lunch
3-7pm = solid work
7-8pm = dinner (or more if going out with friends)
8-11:30 = meditation, free thinking time, reading, whatever
11:30pm = lights out
