I think it's about time I get things straight

[starryeyedsky]

I want to really focus on college and getting my adult life on track but there seems to be some major problems in the way
My inner world is fraught with unrest and discontent about myself, my decisions, what I'm doing with my life and all the natural talents, intelligence, and gifts I'm wasting. To kind of get myself out of this rut, I've been asking myself "what do I truly love to do and what really makes me happy?" and the number one thing is drugs.
I'm 19 right now and I don't have a serious addiction but I've recently put myself on the fast track to one and I'm beginning to worry that I'm going to end up throwing my entire life away.
I've always thrived on mindless habits as my primary escape/time killer
When I was 5 I got my first Playstation and game boy. I didn't have any friends and my parents work long hours one a professor and the other a business owner so I never really interacted with people much. I was academically brilliant, but I really struggled socially and was picked on a lot and was prone to have temper tantrums and emotional outburst. When I got back from school I would be wired and stressed from school and would play video games for hours to put myself at ease and take my mind off things, although when It was time for bed at 8 I would love to read and just kind of.... lay there and think about things, I had trouble sleeping so I had plenty of time to give my brain healthy stimuli as well to build my knowledge and imagination. It's kind of like I developed a mindless side to cope with stress and naturally have an intellectual side.
Time goes on, and I entered high school. I lost my interest for video games and started to explore the social world. I became friends with one girl in particular when I was 15 and she had just moved from new york, she said she used to smoke weed and drink but didn't know anyone here who had any connections. Since middle school when I first learned about drugs I had always been interested in them and their effects, I would read through my health class text book about all the different kinds of drugs and the effects they had and their descriptions seemed appealing in an odd way no matter how much we were advised against them in that class. The girl I met was the catalyst I needed to start looking around for weed, which I successfully found pretty quickly. I wouldn't really do it much because I didn't really have a consistent connection but I still did whenever I could and it became easier and easier to find it. I also started abusing caffeine from energy drinks and would have about 3 a day and smoking cigarettes whenever I could get them.
When I was 16 I told my parents I wanted to be put on Adderall, which we got appropriate doctors and testing for. I also really had this desire to try extacy and acid, I figured the best way to get my foot in the door for some higher up dealers was bring my own drugs to the table to sell, and began selling my Adderall. I was arrested for felony drug possession when I was 17... but my drug seeking wasn't stopped by that. When I was 18 I finally found acid and I loved it, I also found a very consistant weed connection and got a job. I smoked weed everyday for a year and started doing acid or mushrooms or both every three days for a few months. My girlfriend nearly died from a seizure on one trip a few weeks later a my friend lost his mind and started screaming different colors and peoples names on a trip. So for a few months I completely quit drugs, but continued to smoke cigarettes. But then... 3 or 4 months though I picked them back up and started doing xanax, vicoden, and soma. In the past month I've been doing them every night and two weeks ago I started shooting dilaudid. It's starting to get to me... whenever I get home from work now I want a shot, and I think about it during the day more than I would like and I'm becoming more absent minded in school and work.
I'm not addicted... yet... but I'm beginning to worry about the serious possibility of it. It' easy to say just stop now, but I don't really enjoy anything as much as I enjoy doing drugs and smoking my e-cig and without a serious goal in mind as to my future I have no motivation to work towards anything. I do enjoy going to school and I would really be satisfied if I did well and got good grades but without a serious pathway in mind it's kind of... a lower priority but I will not settle for a non-intellectual job. So really drugs are my joy and hobby and I'm afriad it's going to cost me everything. I need a future in mind that I can see happening that I can work towards instead of this routine of unmotivated college life. Some days, I really feel like I've got it all figured out, and I'm going to stop wasting my life, but then I convince myself that idea I had is wrong and I go back into this rut. It's like if I don't catch a break soon, I'm going to be a full time druggie, whose just given up.
Can anyone help me?

 

[webbykevin]

You have to really ask yourself "what do I really want to do ?", really think hard about it, and then when you have an answer, whatever it is, you do that, don't worry about the money, follow your passions.

 

[RobotRipping]

You can't use drugs as an escape from reality, it will always end in terrible addiction. It is a bad idea to start shooting dilaudid right now. You will be addicted and dependent within the next couple of weeks if not already. You need to set goals for yourself, find something you are truly passionate about taking in school and go for it. You can use drugs all you want but don't do it in a destructive way. If you are a real drug user you will ensure the sustainability of your drug use instead of spiraling into addiction as fast as you possibly can.

Get some therapy as well, there is something driving your destructive drug use, some inner void that you are trying to fill. Benzos and opiates are not something to fuck around with, you can easily destroy your life, relationships and family if you are not being smart about it. Sorry, this does sound preachy but if you're worried it's all going down the drain, then it probably will end up that way. You do however have the power and the chance to do something better, even if it doesn't involve quitting drugs.

 

[g0to]

Fuck the painkillers and tranquilizers. Go back to how you were, find a girl and trip with her and enjoy your life. There is so much to enjoy in life and benzo, opi, soma, doesn't make it 'better', it just numbs your feelings and you cant feel things to the fullest potential.

 

[footscrazy]

All the seemingly small, inconsequential and irrelevant decisions can really define your future. It's easy to think that a decision for one day doesn't matter, but they add up, and the habits you get into are steps leading you down a path - where that path leads depends on those choices.

I'm like you in that I find it incredibly easy to spend a day doing mindless activities - reading, surfing the net, pottering round the garden. Most of the time I don't even consciously decide not to do the important tasks of the day - I just don't even think of them until I realise I've spent another day doing nothing much at all. One thing I've learnt is that time goes by so fast - it doesn't feel long ago at all that I was 19 and had the feeling that the choices were important, sure, but not urgent. I could start working hard tomorrow, even next year, it wouldn't really matter. I felt that I'd get where I wanted to be. I thought I would achieve all the things I wanted to, as if these things just happen naturally, if that's what you want. But unless you make an active choice to make these things happen, they wont. It seems impossible to think when you're 19 that you could be in exactly the same spot you are now in 5 or 10 years time, but unless you make a different choice, in all probability you will be, and it's so easy.

Overall, my thoughts are that, often we think it's the big decisions that define our life, like getting into or choosing our uni, but in reality I think it's the small ones, the ones you wont even remember, like getting up or sleeping for another couple of hours, clicking on Bluelight and reading forums for an hour instead of studying, or choosing to have a shot after work because you've had one every day for the past two weeks, what difference will one more make? I think looking for the motivation to start working towards something is probably the wrong place to start. I think you just need to do it, because success is a series of very small and inconsequential seeming decisions.