TDS I think I'm mad but I don't know who to ask for a second opinion.

[quia.gloria]

Just kind of throwing this out there in the hope for some kind of interaction with like minded people - been kind of low lately, suicidal, nuts, etc, and thought it would be a good idea to interact with people. I wrote a massive long insightful message last night but I've got a whole diary full of those that no one will ever read

I've been very emotionally unstable lately, ranging from complete euphoria to psychosis. The drugs are probably a contributing factor but there are also some underlying issues. I've tried to talk to a psych a few times, but I do one of two things - 1: habitually lie to them in person so as to prevent being sent to the happy home, or 2: try to talk to them on the phone so as they can't find me to put me in the happy home, they inevitably ask me to meet them after they find out I'm a nut job, leading back to point 1. Anyway, point is I'm definitely not going to see a doctor.

I feel suicidal and insane a lot of the time if I don't take drugs, probably due to the fact that my life is without meaning. Suicide seems like such a good option when presented with the facts of how badly I have managed to fuck up. When I take drugs I don't feel suicidal or insane, possibly because I'm enjoying myself, but I'm sure that I probably act more insane. I just think it would probably help to talk to someone. I like the drugs, at the moment they might be the only long term friends I have access to. I haven't spoken to any real people for a while.

 

[Tommyboy]

What drugs do you take? You are saying that you don't feel good unless you take them but its also possible that they are causing the problems.

 

[T. Calderone]

Hi Gloria, When you did see a doctor did they tell you a diagnosis or just lock you up? It's not fun being sectioned, but self-medicating so as to not feel suicidal isn't helping much either. You say you don't want to see a doctor but you can't go on like this.

Acknowledging that drug use is a contributing factor is a step in the right direction. Getting professional help for your suicidal thoughts is so important. But if you don't want to do this just yet, stop using the drugs. They could well be exasperating the problem.

 

[quia.gloria]

I take a lot of psychedelics and random junk (often just to pass the time) but what seems to stick with me is coke + amphetamine. Tried out benzofurans like 6APB recently (last few months) but I think they might have somehow given me brain damage (see my other thread).

Last time I told a doc I was suicidal he said he'd lock me up, which kinda made matters worst. Last time I spoke to a doc they wanted me to come in for observation, and I'm just too paranoid to do it. This is a real problem for me, I have a hard time trusting and an even harder time making appointments with docs I can trust. I'm currently trying to track down a (specific) private practice psychologist that might be suitable, but I have very little trust in resident doctors following my own personal experiences.

The suicidal thoughts come and go and sometimes it's really intense. I can't be that suicidal because I haven't killed myself yet, but it only seems to be when I'm fucking things up even worse that I really get away from it - I guess that when I stop to think reality catches up with me.

 

[lars90]

hey gloria.
im so sorry for your state of mind and how you feel.
i wish i could understand what you're going though or even say ive been there. sadly i cant but what i can do is offer you a connectio, because i know how it is being on your own and when you tell anyone they dont understand or act like you never told them. so if you like, i added you as a friend, youan accsept me and message me. i will reply to every message.

im guessing you are doing benzofuran, mda, mdma or apb as i saw your post in the othe4 thread.

the time i was doing dxm were also times i did t feel good. like you i used it as a "friend" cause i didnt have many. the problem with that is that as you may know drugs become very dangerous if you're using them agqinst feelings and not for recreational use. you tend to get addicted much faster and go insaner. my little drug ussage and it was literally only a little dose and a few times caused me snowy vision and a bad memory i will probably keep for ever. But when my accident happend i knew it was time to quit so i never did it again and it got better.

so what im trying to say is that probably not everything is caused by drugs but the less you use the better it will get and if it takes time, which it will.

Look at going to the doc in a diffrent way.
As long as you dont harm yourself or anyone else and you can still live in a normal way there is no need to send you there.


also maybe it would be good if you could possibly post som3 of your diary here im sure allot of people have gone thoug similar and are ready to help.

 

[thedawn]

hey,I know how you feel.
I was diagnosed schizoaffective and later Bipolar.
was locked up in psych wards 1997-2000,in and out.
feeling this way,suicidal and psychotic,completely burned me out.
my heart goes out to you.nobody should have to experience pain like this.

there is a way out.there is hope.please don't give up.

it took me 8 years to find the right meds for my MI and the last few years
have been good.I did AA,therapy,bicycling,find something that works for YOU.

peace.

 

[TooOldForThis]

I don't have any great words of advice, but want you to know you are not alone. I hope you find a way to work with a therapist that you trust.

 

[xxpurplehazexx]

I've told past therapists about suicidal thoughts and they never seemed that concerned. I didn't know therapists had the right to institutionalize you! Anyway I don't have much advice other than finding a good therapist. I'm currently in a similar situation with my drug use/drinking.