TDS I think I'm having a psychotic break

[Lightning-Nl]

So, I've barely slept in the past week. Just started a new, very stressful job, my cousin is having sex with his sister, my mom is having an affair and now shadows are talking to me. Typical shadow people. The gman is here. In fact, a couple of them are. There's a shadow in front of me, smoking a cigar. I really wish he'd just go away. I really wish they'd all just go away. I'm tired of seeing shit that isn't really there and I'm starting to have auditory hallucinations. I can't be hospitalized... I NEED this job!

So badly... Why does this have to happen now? Why all of this? Why... all I want to know is why? Even if nothing gets better, at least I could live in peace knowing why. Jesus just started talking to me - the statue of him in my room. Don't know what he said because it was so faint, but I heard it.

Just looked at the gman smoking his cigar... holy shit, he just said, clear as day "You're going to regret this." Maybe the police will kill me if I get crazy. Then, at least, I wouldn't have to live like this anymore...

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I can't think of any other time in my life that I've wished I had antipsychotics. Anyways, lets see if I can terminate this before it begins. Dosed 60 milligrams of Temazepam... first, time I've ever taken more of it... I was really proud of the fact that I hadn't abused it. It was the only thing I had... Now I don't even have that.

I'll keep updating... I'm hoping I can pass out in just a moment and sleep it off. I really hope that...

 

[caseface99]

You have been tapering off of a lot of different drugs right? It could be withdrawal symptoms, especially if benzos or booze are in the mix. Plus severe sleep deprivation, I hope you're right and you can sleep it off. Otherwise you may need to see a doctor or admit yourself to a hospital for a few days. A Job isn't worth your sanity...


And wait, your cousin sleeping with his sister? Is that part also a hallucination or is that legit?

 

[BlueHues]

I've had hallucinations while quitting drugs before, seen spirits flying around the room...You need sleep! If you can't sleep, try to focus on normal activities to keep you grounded, like cleaning or organizing...You are recognizing the hallucinations, so you're not that far gone...Realize that your mind is playing tricks on you because you need rest.

 

[deltakappamu]

Try to get some sleep. Even if you can't sleep, I would at least try to lay down and rest. Your body needs to rest, and even if you aren't sleeping, your body will benefit from the resting.

I just re-read your post and I really think you need medical attention honey. I know you just started a new job, but the above post scared me to think that you are going thru this alone. You obviously need sleep, but you also need to get those other issues taken care of. When do you work next? Do you have a monday-friday job? Can you go to the ER now and explain that you do not want to be admitted due to you just starting a job, but maybe they can get you stabilized and get you a referral to someone you can see in a few days. They should be able to give you something to stabilize you and maybe a few days worth of a prescription to help you make it for the next few days. Also, you just need to ask for a doctor's note. Its obvi that you need a little help babe, and I think that you would be better off getting treated before going to work, because I can't see going to work in this condition as a good idea, especially if its a new job.

*major hugs

 

[thedawn]

you need med assistance ,this is dangerous territory.
suddenly the voices might turn on you and tell u to die or something.
I was psychotic cuz of no sleep and drugs and it ended badly.hospital.police.thorazine injected in my ass.

it's your life and sanity,man.
fuck that job for now.
it's more important that u stay alive and hopefully out of any ward.

contact some real life people at the very least.dont b alone.

if at ER,don't say "I plan to commit siucide",that will 5150 your ass.
say you have heavy "suicidal ideation"and need meds ASAP.
ask for a benzo while u wait for the psych meds.

I'm no doctor,maybe my advice isn't right,but don't suffer this way.
food,sleep and other people.
keep it simple till it;s under control again.

wish u love from california.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

And wait, your cousin sleeping with his sister? Is that part also a hallucination or is that legit?

All the info I gave was legit. All of it... Unfortunately I had to find out the truth about my cousin couple days ago and the truth about my mother... today... I still can't believe any of it. Also I've known about long before this episode of psychosis. In fact I believe that all of these factors combined, plus the fact that I took 10 milligrams of Adderall when I've slept so poorly is why this happened. I also took one cough medicine pill several hours ago that contained 20 milligrams of DXM.

That may have contributed as well. Anyways, I slept for 3 hours and that really helped. 90% of the symptoms are gone. I'm afraid I may not sleep now that the Temazepam has worn off a bit, so despite my better judgment, I took one more Temazepam.

I'm going to attempt to go back to sleep now. I already feel pretty drugged from the 60 milligrams of Temazepam. So I'll provide a further up date in the morning. Also, I asked my room mate to periodically check on me through out the night. Just to make sure my breathing is fine (because of the high dose of benzos) and I'm not going crazy or something.

 

[ad lib]

Hey

Which drugs are you currently on? What are you withdrawing from? I can't seem to find this info..

 

[herbavore]

Swampfox, I know how scary the hallicinations can be. I think one of the best books I have read about dealing with voices is from Elyn Saks a law professor that lives with schizophrenia. She talks about how she has been able to avoid many hospitalizations that were routine earlier in her life by developing personalized strategies for herself when she is feeling the beginning of a psychotic break. For her this means quiet, seclusion and a very stark and orderly room--simplifying everything. She emphasized however that for every person it is different and that she knows people that loud music works for as a way to battle their demons. The point is to understand that your mind is under stress and all those hallucinations are simply the voices of that stress. They are you talking to you.

I know that you need your job and want your job but your health, mental and physical, come first. If the job is creating more stress than you can handle you need to ask for some help to either be able to stabilize so that you can keep it or ask for help in figuring out how to let it go (financial and psychological support). Do you have a trusted advocate that you work with? (I'm thinking counselor but it could be any person that you trust to let know what is going on).

Have you ever explored anything these folks have to say? As someone that suffered hearing voices for a period of my life, I didn't hear about this until many years later but I think they are onto something useful. Basically the idea is that you can gain control by listening and analyzing what the voices mean in your life. When do they come? Why and what triggers? What do they say? What can be learned from what they say?

Bottom line: find a medical professional that you can trust and work with them. I forget which country you are from--USA?

Anyway, keep us updated and get some sleep.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey swamp I think you should get and stay off the stimulants. It seems to me that they are not good for the conditions your are prone.

 

[deltakappamu]

Swampfox.. how are you doing? I've been thinking of you.. please let us know how you are?

 

[nuttynutskin]

And wait, your cousin sleeping with his sister? Is that part also a hallucination or is that legit?

He's admitted on here in the past about making things up, and now is saying that his mom is having an affair. What do you think?

I can't be hospitalized... I NEED this job!

I know I'm wasting my breath here, but what's more important right now? Your mental health which sounds like is severely declining, or a job which you'll probably lose fairly quickly anyways if you're in this mindset and can't even function? And fuck the benzos and adderall that shit's only making your problems worse. You need an anti-psychotic and maybe a mood stabilizer. And yeah I'm not a doctor and that's just my opinion, but I think it's pretty obvious to most at least the adderall is making you worse. Whatever psychiatrist would prescribe that to someone with problems with delusions/psychosis is a fucking moron imho.

 

[Allein]

He's admitted on here in the past about making things up, and now is saying that his mom is having an affair. What do you think?

I'm not aware of any history with the OP and take people as I find them, he has clearly stated that he is suffering hallucinations and struggling with his mental health and yet you respond in such a derogatory and aggressive manner

As for the rest of your post less expletives and a large portion of humility would see it greatly improved.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I'm pretty sure now that this was just an episode of Mania brought on by stress and potentiated by stimulants. It tends to happen to me a lot. It's quite embarrassing being manic in such a public manner. A lot of that episode was me questioning my sanity. I was thinking that since everyone else seems to be sure that I'm psychotic - what if "my cousin is having sex with his sister" or "my mother is having an affair" were all actually just delusions? This gave me a panic attack and I was pretty damn sure that the thread that is attached to my sense of reality was about to be broken.

Fortunately for me, right before I was on the verge of falling into total psychosis, I reached out to my cousin and he confirmed to me that my mother is, indeed, having an affair and that I'm not crazy, that it's not all just in my head, and that he's seen it going on too and that it's not just me being paranoid.

Obviously, I'm not gonna ask him about whatever it was he was doing with his sister, but at least I know that I'm not just hearing things and making things up that don't exist. Also, the 90 milligrams of Temazepam (while helpful at the time of this episode) has ultimately just given me more problems because now when I take 30 milligrams of Temazepam (my normal dosage) it barely does anything. Couldn't sleep at all last night. So now, I'm gonna have to a short taper with Lorazepam from that Temazepam dosage.

I'm not going to take more of the Temazepam either - I believe that wouldn't a good idea. Especially since I only get 30 a month and I get 90 ativan a month. Three Ativan spread throughout the day is holding back WD's. Tomorrow I'm gonna cut my dose to .5, .5, 1 then from there .5, 1, then .5, .5, then from .5 to 0

 

[deltakappamu]

Thanks for the update.

Is there anything I can do to help? If talking things out with someone would help, I am here.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I'm not aware of any history with the OP and take people as I find them, he has clearly stated that he is suffering hallucinations and struggling with his mental health and yet you respond in such a derogatory and aggressive manner

As for the rest of your post less expletives and a large portion of humility would see it greatly improved.

I just think it's silly when the op has gotten plenty of helpful advice in multiple threads but does nothing with it. I don't see a need to sugarcoat things... And the fact is it's proven he's lied, I mean he admitted it. It just irks me to see people believing the ludicrous things he says. But whatever, I don't really have a dog in this fight. If the op wants to keep abusing his medication, not seek the right treatment and keep making posts about it I guess he can.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I just think it's silly when the op has gotten plenty of helpful advice in multiple threads but does nothing with it. I don't see a need to sugarcoat things... And the fact is it's proven he's lied, I mean he admitted it. It just irks me to see people believing the ludicrous things he says. But whatever, I don't really have a dog in this fight. If the op wants to keep abusing his medication, not seek the right treatment and keep making posts about it I guess he can.

Could you link me to where I admitted that I lied? I don't remember it to be honest. Also, it's highly likely that I've lied on here at some point. I'll admit that I've embellished things before, I'm sure everyone on here has. I've lied many times about what drugs I've taken before. It allows me to participate in more conversation than just mental health + pharmacology. Specifically, I've never tried coke, acid (or any other psychedelic), or any RC's (these are common things I claim I've taken before). Otherwise, I can't think of any other times I've lied.

I'm not sure why you think I would lie about having mental health issues. Even if those things weren't true, I really think they're happening. Even if they aren't true, since I truly believe it's happening - I'm not really lying, am I? All that means is I'm psychotic. Which really isn't a good alternative. I wish I was lying. I wish I was lying because then I could ensure my sanity. Anyways, not trying to spark a debate here - but based on what you post, I'm not sure you have much of a leg to stand on either.

Thanks for the update.

Is there anything I can do to help? If talking things out with someone would help, I am here.

Thanks deltak! < I appreciate the kind responses a lot... I'm not sure how much more help I can get through the internet to be honest :/ I guess, I just make these threads to vent my thoughts, and discuss them in a matter where I won't be personally humiliated. I could never talk about these things with someone in real life, and the anonymity of the internet is a good way for me to be able to share what's going on in my head and get input on it from another perspective.

I guess, all I ask is for your honest opinion. What do you think of me? Am I really crazy? Or is this really happening? Likewise, on your offer < If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here.

 

[trillish10]

<snip>

Also, OP, im dealing with a lot of psyche issues as well due to consistent abuse of NBOMe drugs, and my symptoms are not to the point of hallucinations, i feel your pain. Much Love and good luck with everything. As many here have said, you may come to me if you need to talk, ill be glad to provide some positive reinforcement!
Much Love!

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I don't know why, but I felt compelled to write something about my personal shadow. He's the government man.

The Gman...

He's the professional... the 'goto guy'... He's the one they hire when you know too much. He's always here. He's always watching... waiting... He's always hiding behind lies... he's just a proxy. He always watches you from where ever you won't see who he really is. He's not a benefactor, he's not an opposer. Someone else really wants you, he just works for them. He's not your friend. He's not here to help you... he's here to break you...

 

[nuttynutskin]

Could you link me to where I admitted that I lied? I don't remember it to be honest. Also, it's highly likely that I've lied on here at some point. I'll admit that I've embellished things before, I'm sure everyone on here has. I've lied many times about what drugs I've taken before. It allows me to participate in more conversation than just mental health + pharmacology. Specifically, I've never tried coke, acid (or any other psychedelic), or any RC's (these are common things I claim I've taken before). Otherwise, I can't think of any other times I've lied.

I don't really see a reason for me to dig through a bunch of threads to see exactly where you said it when you just admitted to lying about a bunch of things again. I don't lie about stuff on here as I'm sure most don't because it serves no purpose and definitely won't help people help you, or with treatment.

I'm not sure why you think I would lie about having mental health issues.

I never said you were lying about having mental issues, although I do find it strange that you can type so coherently.

Even if those things weren't true, I really think they're happening. Even if they aren't true, since I truly believe it's happening - I'm not really lying, am I? All that means is I'm psychotic. Which really isn't a good alternative. I wish I was lying. I wish I was lying because then I could ensure my sanity.

That's really neither here nor there, but when you have plenty of good advice from people trying to help but don't do anything about it and do things to worsen your mental state what good is it to keep asking for help and hope people believe your delusions? It's up to you to do something about your mental health, no one else can unless you get yourself 51/50ed.

Anyways, not trying to spark a debate here -but based on what you post, I'm not sure you have much of a leg to stand on either.

Strong projection.

The Gman...

He's the professional... the 'goto guy'... He's the one they hire when you know too much. He's always here. He's always watching... waiting... He's always hiding behind lies... he's just a proxy. He always watches you from where ever you won't see who he really is. He's not a benefactor, he's not an opposer. Someone else really wants you, he just works for them. He's not your friend. He's not here to help you... he's here to break you...

I really do find it sad that a psychiatrist would think the right course of action for a 16 year old with psychotic episodes would be to prescribe them legal speed. 8(