I think I'm going to kill myself pretty soon lol

[Kyl]

The thought of commiting suicide first entered my mind when I was 12 which is the first time I can remember feeling depression. I have suffered with clinical depression since that age and now I am 20 years old with even worse depression, insomnia, and severe anxiety. I am not currently on any meds besides taking a xanax bar whenever I'm having a panic attack. I have been on countless antidepressants that never worked. Always felt like I wasn't "myself" when I was on them.
I'm almost used to the sadness now. If I feel happy it doesn't feel right. It feels foreign and odd. I'm 140 lbs 6'0 I am a very skinny individual. I sleep from 6am-3pm most days. I try to sleep away the daytime as much as possible to avoid contact with the world. Sleep is my only escape but hard to achieve at night due to my anxiety peaking around 2am-6am. I chain smoke cigarettes. Almost 2 packs a day at this moment. I drink hard liquor every night because it helps me fall asleep.
I wouldn't say I'm an ugly person. People say I'm good looking or cute but it's kind of hard for me to get the women I want. Don't get me wrong, I've had sex, I've had girlfriends, but I never have relations with the girls that I'm interested in. Today, me and this girl I'm into were flirting and she pushed me and I stumbled (a bit drunk) and almost fell. She called me a weakling. It was at that moment any confidence I had just withered away with one sentence. I immediately ran to the bottle and bubbled it because of my shame about my poor muscle growth. I've went through anorexia at age 15 was 110 lbs at one time so my frame is very small, my muscle mass kinda ate itself. My dad died from suicide when I was 15 and that really fucked up my entire life. My mom is so poor because he left us no money that I've had to move out and in with a friend because she couldn't pay bills anymore and I was too busy being depressed to get a job. I can't even help my own mother. I've always felt useless. I don't fight anyone who disrespects me, I just let them keep messing with me and then I hate myself and start believing the things they say. Girls know I'm not strong and I'm weak. I have a cute face they say but I'm just not a man that can be there for them and feel safe.
I work at a resteraunt right now and I hate it. I see all the pretty girls and it just makes me think who really cares? And I remember no one really cares. I mean my Mom would be fucked up that I killed myself but not really anyone else would.
People would move on and their lives would go back to normal because as humans we adapt to change and in 50 years or so I'll be forgotten as if I never existed and that's not so bad.
As for religion, I was raised Christian but gave up on God because I think if he really existed God wouldn't let life be like this. Because I've realized life is just a product of energy and I am here because my Mom and Dad fucked and the sperm fertilized the egg and I grew from that. Not because God made me. My Dad's balls made me. Nothing else. I believe when we die it is nothingness. The mind is the only reason I know I'm alive and when the mind is no longer working it's just black not even black it's just nothing at all. Which is sad but what else would it be.

So yeah, at this point killing myself sounds so awesome. I wouldn't have to work anymore, experience lies, hurtful words, no more sadness, no more anxiety, no more pain, no more pills, no more waking up and thinking fuck I need money because that's what everyone tells you that you need. I hate life, mostly because it's my life and my life is nothing of importance. I'm talentless, I'm a bum, and just fucking useless.
Yeah I throw a lot of pity party's but my brain just fucking hates me. I can't ever convince myself to just be happy. I hate my brain but essentially my brain is me. So I guess I hate me.
Anyway, you can try to convince me not to or whatever considering that's what everyone does. But I'm pretty dead set that suicide is my way out. If not suicide, do I just wait around until lung cancer gets me or a car crash? Fuck that. Suicide is on my own time and I like that.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

Do you truly believe that after we die there is nothing? IF it was the case (which its not) do you choose nothingness over a life of possibilities? who cares if things don't go right... theres so many things in this life you can do.

Ill admit, I do think about ending my life a lot BUT once I die I will either be in the kingdom of God or forever without Him...

I tend to slide backwards a lot, but prayer keeps me somewhat balanced. My wish and prayer for you is that you Encounter God and come to love and accept Him in a way that will change you.

 

[Kyl]

Do you truly believe that after we die there is nothing? IF it was the case (which its not) do you choose nothingness over a life of possibilities? who cares if things don't go right... theres so many things in this life you can do.

Ill admit, I do think about ending my life a lot BUT once I die I will either be in the kingdom of God or forever without Him...

I tend to slide backwards a lot, but prayer keeps me somewhat balanced. My wish and prayer for you is that you Encounter God and come to love and accept Him in a way that will change you.

I'm very rational and logical person and quite a deep thinker. I've thought so deeply about christianity to the point where none of it made sense.

My one argument against God is how was God created? By us? Because without someone's thoughts who created the concept? Without the thought that God exists, would he actually exist?

But hey, I hope he does exist because it's a very cool thing to to heaven but it just seems to me like a fairytale told by those who fear death.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

God created the universe, every planet, including earth obviously, God created us...

You say you thought about it and none of it made sense and that you view faith as a "fairytale", you see friend its to you harboring these thoughts BUT it is the enemy (satan) who puts these thoughts in your head. He does this to bring you further away from God. Realize that all the dark thoughts you have, including wanting to kill yourself is the enemy in your mind... he wants you to fail, and keeping you far away from the Lord is a win in the devil's book.

 

[Mr Crowley]

think about your mother and what she had to go through raising you, even after her husband killed himself. and you want to pull this crap?

at least work hard for a year and get health insurance that covers suicide before you kill yourself so you can leave her some money.

fuck

if you intend to die you may as well say fuck anxiety and depression, I'm gonna have some fun before I die and fucken do it, cuz who cares what anyone thinks? you'll be dead soon enough. fucken punch every cunt who talks down to you in the face before you go, who cares if they beat you up cuz your gonna kill yourself anyway.

the only one making you feel shit is you. no ones gonna respect you if you don't respect yourself, and can you really expect them to?

the only thing that exists is your perception of reality man. you have complete control over everything. strength of mind is absolute. you don't like the way you act. change that. change everything. find the joy in suffering. there is no need to skip to the end, there plenty of shit you can do before you end it all. I'm not opposed to suicide, but going out like this is just lame man. create yourself a new reality or die for a purpose. do whatever man, like you said, who cares?

and please don't kill yourself by overdosing that just makes drugs look bad lol

also I find destroying things makes me feel better when I'm down. give it a go, you don't need possessions if your gonna kill yourself.

 

[Ligaturd]

Often times trauma, having a bad childhood and suffering from memtal illness problems can have us reaching for unhealthy coping mechanisms which actually make us worse and justify further negative self image and self destruction issues. You say you never get the girl you want, so you are just accepting what is available due to low self esteem? The way we percieve things has a massive effect on the life we live. Often times the irrational fear that you aren't good enough or are ugly or whatever can become self fulfilling prophecies, I find I paint my own negativity and own negative self image issues onto people that are talking to me and percieve them as judging me in those ways. It isn't easy to get over these things, I know that from experience and I am struggling to cope with the same issues and being productive about it now before you have spent too much time in self loathing misery is important. Neuroplasticity refers to the brains ability to change and adapt and while you are young it happens quite easily compared to if you didn't try your hardest to affect positive change within yourself until you get to the age of 30, 40, 50 years old. These thoughs and behaviors are pretty much how your brain is wired right now and drug use hinders your ability to make these changes because it is escapism, you aren't fully present and aware when you are suffering from insomnia and drinking to help yourself sleep which actually lowers sleep quality and also further compounds this problem.

Your sleep schedule, anxiety, depression issues likely didn't come from alcohol and drugs but they are definitely worsened by them. If you have a negative self image then drinking all the time definitely wont help make you feel happy. People call it liquid courage but it can also exacerbate depression quite a lot. I used to drink a lot, and massive amounts as well because it allowed me to be able to get away from my anxiety gor a bit but it also had me being a loud mouthed judgemental asshole and being under the influence of it definitely didn't help me form and nurture relationships. There is also rebound anxiety that GABAergic drugs cause when you start getting physically dependant on them, whenever you don't have them you will have increased anxiety and not understanding that the alcohol and xanax dependancy is starting to cause this can have a person freaking out thinking that drinking more is the answer but it just compounds the problem.

If you have trouble gaining and keeping muscle it is likely that you may have low testosterone and DHT levels. I started using all manner of drugs really young and many of them can have a suppression effect on testosterone production and I am just now finishing puberty at 25 years old. Low hormone levels can cause depression, anxiety and shame from having not developed masculine physical traits. Going to the gym, taking a good 6 months completely sober while utilizing some form of therapy and maybe seeing an endocrinologist would do you a lot of good. If not just to have a baseline sober period to draw an understanding from where drugs aren't a factor so you can see exactly where you are at without the influence of drugs messing with neurotransmitter levels and receptor functionality because a lot of the physical effects on those things from drugs can not only create these problems, they often make it worse.

If you are really struggling with these problems then you really have nothing to lose by addressing all of these problems and being proactive about them. If by the end of 6 months, nothing is improving then the problem lies somewhere else.

 

[Ligaturd]

I did try to kill myself at your age, I changed my mind and a week in the hospital had me reflect on my life and why I would ever kill myself. I decided that nothing is worth killing myself over. I did make the mistake of not getting professional help, I told everyone I was trying to get high which nobody with any sense of knowledge of drugs would try to do with as many t1's that I took. I couldn't admit to it until recently. After that experience I should have sought help but I didn't and my drug problems got so much worse and that prevented me from actually developing mentally and emotionally. I'm trying to quit drugs again now and learn to deal with mental health problems. More often than not people just write off people who are asking for help when they suffer from mental illness problems, I get that and understand that and I am not going to let it sway my resolve. I was suicidal recently and I begged for help and support and was just tossed aside and disregarded but it can actually be turned into a positive learning experience. I learned who exactly these people are and they weren't worth a second of my time. It hurt but I have grown from it and my resolve to change my life and get iver my anxiety and depression and forge a fulfilling life for myself is much stronger but if I was drinking or doing drugs (I am on suboxone but it does not get me high whatsoever, once someone is stable at a dose for long enough then that dose becomes baseline and it has no physiological effects that are typical to opioids. I don't get constipation, my insomnia, anxiety and depression are worse than they have ever been and people don't understand this at all but I can't own that) while that was happening then I wouldn't have had the strength not to let ot destroy me.

Hopefully you can draw some inspiration from this because I have such similar struggles and I would love it if I could impart some of the things that I have learned that have helped me recently on someone else with similar atruggles. Life does get better and there are a lot of people out there who understand what you are going through and sometimes that can be of comfort. Just don't procrastinate and be proactive, go out and find happiness and self confidence and stability because it isn't just going to happen.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

You ever try a psychedelic drug man? Like LSD or psilocybin? If not I'd highly recommend it.

I was in a similar spot at one point in my life...maybe not suicidal, but definitely severely depressed. I was broke, had dropped out of college, was on probation for drug possession, living out of state with no friends, girlfriend or job, my parents were ashamed of me (or at least that's how I felt at the time), and I had absolutely no prospects or hope for the future. I took psilocybin mushrooms during this period and it was literally one of the best decisions I've ever made. The only way I can describe it for you is that I fell in love with life, at least for a period of time.

 

[contico]

Kyl. I feel for you man, but at the same time this was very frustrating to read.

Please read my post.

I'm in no way trivialising your clinical depression but I think you coined some of the triggers for your low-self worth as a symptomatic of a pity party which show's you are aware you are in more control that you are exercising.

You are right to think about your mum too. It would break her heart to lose your over this. This is a self-esteem issue, you can fix this but the burden is on you to do so. You have to sort your life and earn it.


You are young, you have so much time to develop yourself. You already said you are "cute" or good-looking (not that this matters with woman as much as you think believe me, however if you are mentally weak, easily bothered and stuck in your own head/insecurities, you could be Brad Pitt and it would be unattractive to woman).

You have to look at each thing you listed on there and take some action to correct it. Wake up man, come on. Realise your potential.

You are 6ft right? You realise if you put some weight on you will be immediately more manly looking? The internet is a great resource, join a bodybuilding forum, tell them your goals and start weight trianing 3-4 times per week. Eat good foods, plenty protein, up your calories and in a year you could be 25-30lbs heavier with a third to half of that being muscle (you are young and new to training so you will see gains quickly). Feeling skinny and weak? - Well take this action.


Make every effort to cut down your drinking and actively seek help doing so on here. Stop the smoking (I recommend Allan Carr - 'Easy way to quit smoking') book. Amazing - after years of trying with "will power", nicotine replacement and so on, I quit overnight as millions around the world have, from 20-25 a day to zero with no nicotine replacement and feeling great for it.

Also. Look into generaly self-development. Read! READ! READ!

2 youtube figures you should check our are RSD tyler and Elliot Hulse (the first one is something of a dating coach, however his entire philosophy is on improving yourself so you are a desirable man) you will find his stuff mind-opening I promise.

Please make the effort to watch the below videos sober and move on from here. Treat and manage your clinical depression, but for your sake, stop the drinking which is clouding your judgement and the smoking which is robbing your brain of oxygen and stop the pit party surrounding the things you can actually change. Accept the things you can't change, and take action to improve the things you can. This kind of advice is all anyone here can do for you. You called it a pity party, buddy. You know yourself you can make your life better. You owe it to yourself

Also, very few people are happy all or even most the time. That[s unrealistic. You have to make sure however you don't come addicted/ or in most people's case undo the addiction to negative thought loops.

Look into mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and commitment therapy/ training) books. These helped me a lot. The thing is, your thoughts and emotions will pervade your consciousness regardless, but you can acknowledge them and then allow then to pass, not allowing yourself to become attached. Is the thought I had true? Doesn't matter. Is the thought I'm having useful to this current task I'm undertaking, what I want to achieve in my life or the person I want to be? No? Well, ill acknowledge it and let it pass as noise and unhelpful info.

The problem is, and trust me, I've been there. Self-pity and loathing can be addictive and in a way self-soothing. Feeling sorry for yourself and your situation is always a lot easier than going out and taking hard and consistent action to change things. The further you get into that cycle of thinking, the more change seems unrealistic and to far away.

Wake up, buddy. Realise what you are doing to yourself, reclaim your life and own it.


Videos and recommended reading:

The Happiness Trap (ACT Book)
The Reality Slap (ACT Book)
The confidence Gap (Act)
6 Pillars of self-esteem
The psychology of self-esteem
Ultra Mind Solution (Nutrition plays it part on mental health, depression linked to lack of Omega 3 for example,, also allergies e.g gluten, dairy sensitivity)
The Chimp Paradox
The Easy Way (Allan Carr) - either called the easy way to quit or stop smoking. Amazing book.


Videos discussed above:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGp25fn25Cs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OVZ9xk1B-o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcrhwatDkUM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTjww638BM8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgpvi83CXjY

 

[Kyl]

Hello everyone I've read all of your replies and will respond to them shortly as I am at work at the moment. So please don't take my quietness as ignoring. Reading some of these meant so much to me. Will respond soon.

 

[suzieq70s]

Hi kyl. I don't even know where to begin. My son is a lot like you. He's 22. He is overweight though not skinny. 300 lbs and 6'0" his dad committed suicide 2 years ago. He has depression anxiety low self confidence. He was also very very suicidal after his dad's death.

I remember the first time I saw him laugh after his dad's death. I had just dropped him off at his house and one of his friends happened to be there standing outside. They said something to each other and they both laughed. As I pulled out of the driveway I bawled my eyes out because it relieved something pent up inside of me. I bawled because I saw that he still had the capacity to be happy.

I'm telling you this to let you know that you are not alone. That others understand what your going through. From a mother's heart who's son was suicidal please find at least just one little thing that brings you happiness. I wish I had the miracle answer to the question "what is that one thing"

I know they may seem small and insignificant but every step in the right direction is a success

From the bottom of a mother's heart please reconsider this

 

[sliceofcake]

My child attempted suicide two years ago. Someone found out quite by accident and called the 911 which saved her life.

I still suffer from that night and she didn't lose her life.

Please don't do this to your mother. There are so many things you haven't tried. I have learned so much about suicide and its effects on those who love you, know you, work with you or even those who ran into you once or twice.

Suicide is devastating. If you care at all about your mother, please get some help. Listen to these people who have taken the time to respond. Take their words to heart. They don't even know you and they care enough to post for you.