I think I'm going mad.

[Irmarose]

I dunno basically I have been smoking skunk since the age of 12.
Others of you maybe have read my other threads about my "so-called" friends that have sexually assaulted me.
I also rarely go to school because i have been attacked on several occasions and sometimes when i try to go in i get panic attacks.
I had a slightly disturbed childhood aswell...
and recently i have been doing drugs regularly whilst recovering from an eating disorder.

I rarely sleep at night because frankly i am afraid of the dark... its really stupid i know but i find it impossible to sleep because i see things in my bedroom so normally i sit up all night on my computer or go out... sometimes i am able to sleep but only in the company of close friends or family.

I am constantly paranoid people are looking at me or talking about me and i'm either really tense or so depressed i find it impossible to move...

I don't want to tell my mum because recently shes been helping me recover from my eating disorder and its put a lot of stress on her and she thinks i'm better now.

People barley notice because i'm really quite and never tell my friends anything because they can't be trusted... i feel quite alone...

I know all of you are gunna tell me to stop taking drugs but they are my release from reality... they give me a feeling that everything is good and perfect and i actually feel connected to people on them.

 

[ColtDan]

speak to a doctor.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ If I may elaborate on that:

Imarose, it sounds like you really need to seek some professional help about the problems you're having. Have you ever spoken to a doctor about your anxiety, eating disorder, drug use, etc? If not, it sounds like the time has come for you to really get some proper help with this. You don't have to suffer this way, things can (and WILL) improve. But sometimes we need help and can't make the necessary improvements on our own.
What do you think hun?

 

[Mafioso]

if you can't trust your friends then they can't trust you. trust does not go one way, it has to go both. to be hoenst, if you have a lot of secrets kept up in your head, people are going to notice. they might not be able to tell what the secrets are about, but most people can tell that your hiding something if you are. its just body language. so if you give the vibe that you've got a lot to hide and can't be open, then people are going to come at you like you are hard to trust/untrustworthy. seriously you need someone to confide in, and if you absolutely trust none of your friends with your inner problems/secrets, go to a doctor or therapist. either buddy, your going to need some help if you want to make it through in this world. opening up to somebody isn't a bad thing. there are good people in this world who aren't just out to fuck you over.

and trust me, when you find someone that you can open up to and reveal all your darker secrets too and they aren't afraid of them, it will feel amazing and taste life freedom.

 

[ocean]

I agree with the others who have posted int his thread, that you may want to go see a Dr.-
A Dr. might be able to help you in a number of ways.......
Are you in therapy for any of your problems?
I know you said your mom knows about your eating disorder, do you see a professional for that?
Are you on any medications?
I have felt a number of the feelings you described. (The depression, the anxiety, the fear, the paranoia)
After I was sexually assaulted I felt that I could not trust anyone.
It is difficult to trust after you've been hurt in such a way- especially if you knew the person, as you seem to have mentioned.
I was raped by someone I trusted.....
Being afraid of the dark is not uncommon in your type of situation.
It is okay to try to sleep with the light on or a nightlight.....
Sleep is vital to your health, both mental and physical
You might try, slowly, as time goes on, dimming your room a little......until you are comfortable alone in the dark.
As time goes on, it becomes easier to accept the situation......
It makes you a stronger person

As far as school goes, does your mother know you haven't been going?
Could you try home school for a while? Until you get back in the awing of things?
School is so important.

No matter what, I think it is a great positive thing, that you have reached out here.
Please keep us posted

 

[Irmarose]

Thank you everyone you have been really helpful... the only problem is i tried speaking to my mum and shes kinda of pretending its not happening... i think its scaring her so much she ignores it... like every time i try to mention it to her she fazes out and pretends i'm not saying anything....

 

[Irmarose]

I agree with the others who have posted int his thread, that you may want to go see a Dr.-
A Dr. might be able to help you in a number of ways.......
Are you in therapy for any of your problems?
I know you said your mom knows about your eating disorder, do you see a professional for that?
Are you on any medications?
I have felt a number of the feelings you described. (The depression, the anxiety, the fear, the paranoia)
After I was sexually assaulted I felt that I could not trust anyone.
It is difficult to trust after you've been hurt in such a way- especially if you knew the person, as you seem to have mentioned.
I was raped by someone I trusted.....
Being afraid of the dark is not uncommon in your type of situation.
It is okay to try to sleep with the light on or a nightlight.....
Sleep is vital to your health, both mental and physical
You might try, slowly, as time goes on, dimming your room a little......until you are comfortable alone in the dark.
As time goes on, it becomes easier to accept the situation......
It makes you a stronger person

As far as school goes, does your mother know you haven't been going?
Could you try home school for a while? Until you get back in the awing of things?
School is so important.

No matter what, I think it is a great positive thing, that you have reached out here.
Please keep us posted

this is the kindest and most heart felt piece of advice i have ever recieved
thank you xx

 

[TheDeceased]

i tried speaking to my mum and shes kinda of pretending its not happening... i think its scaring her so much she ignores it... like every time i try to mention it to her she fazes out and pretends i'm not saying anything....

Often your parents aren't the best people to confide in for that reason. There are probably free support services/ counsellors/ etc that you can access in your area (I don't know where you live but there are everywhere).

I know all of you are gunna tell me to stop taking drugs but they are my release from reality... they give me a feeling that everything is good and perfect and i actually feel connected to people on them.

I know you said not to say 'stop smoking', but at least cut down a little. The feelings of paranoia and depression may be side effects of your addiction. I'm very depressed. When I'm drunk, it seems like everything is okay. I guess that's why I drink. I'm trying to quit. Today is the first sober day I've had in a long time.

Tricking yourself into thinking that everything is okay is no solution, but the fact that you've come on here and admitted that you have a problem is the first logical step.

Everything isn't perfect in the world and we should be able to connect to people while sober. I have a lot of issues I've been avoiding with alcohol. It seems easier sometimes to just drink my problems away. But they never go away unless you deal with them. They are always there when I wake up.

You aren't going mad.

You've been through a lot.

I can relate.

 

[Z Y G G Y]

If you can't sleep in the dark then leave some lights on, like a night light or a lamp. I'm 28 and still can't sleep with the lights off due to some issues that happened when I was really young. I learned to live with it, cuz it never really stopped.

 

[Tootsie]

You're not going mad, you just need to seek some professional help. When someone goes through SO many traumatic events, it tends to scar them permanently in several different ways. My case isn't as severe as yours but I definitely understand how you feel. Seriously, just talk to someone, what have you got to lose?

 

[Irmarose]

I tried lying in bed with the lights on and i ended up crying into my pillow because if i stare too long i see things. I ended up crying into my pillow... i don't know why i am so pathetic then i tried moving to the living room and after 2 hours i did get to sleep which was quite nice.

 

[Irmarose]

I haven't smoked skunk in 4 days now but unfortunatley i have been on mdma for the past 3 days and i am on sum next weird pills tonight....

 

[TheDeceased]

You're not pathetic. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're coping better than some people would. Dealing with this sort of thing is not easy.

Seriously though, lay off the pills. I don't mean become a fucking priest or anything. MDMA for four days straight isn't very healthy, especially when you're already anxious/depressed. Try and reduce your drug use a little bit and see if it helps.

It might surprise you.

or

Try anti-depressants. They worked for me.

Sorry for being a preachy fucker.

Good luck.

 

[F1n1shed]

Mdma is something you definitely don't want to be taking as you said you get panick attacks sometimes at school and such. Mdma will most probably increase anxiety levels and many other things you probably know about. As others have said try cutting down on the pot / skunk as well as that can't be helping. I know its hard I'm in the same spot, been smoking for over 5 years now and I'm only 20.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i used to get bad paranoia. i took a year long break from stimulants and it went away. i then started getting it again cos i was hammering it way too hard. took another year long break and it went away again... then i took it easy and now its ok. i know thats not what you want to hear and its possible the 2 events are unrelated...

the main reason i'm replying isn't cos of that though- its to say PLEASE GET REFERRED TO YOUR CHILD AND ADOLESCENT MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES NOW!!! the reason: i've done both child/adolescent and adult, and child/adolescent is way way way better. you get more and better treatment, and they don't wait til your nearly dead before referring you. i may just have won the postcode lottery, but your in the same city as one of the best ed hospitals in the world!! chances are you'd get actually decent help.

its clear you'll need help eventually, get it whilst its good!

also, i really recommend being entirely honest with them, but i have never been honest with mental health ppl about my substance abuse (they would stop prescribing certain drugs that i like....), so getting help doesn't mean you're entirely exposed. you expose what you want to and work on the areas you feel need most attention. i have still benefitted massively from my therapy.

 

[Lord]

I can relate to a lot of this. I've been using weed (and other drugs less frequently) for two years, and I just quit all of them. I smoked several times per day for a year. I think it's one of the stronger drugs if you get the good stuff, overall a stronger drug than alcohol, speed (except for injecting it, not sure about that), and benzos in my experience. I can't compare it to acid or shrooms, but even a psychedelic like mescaline puts a sort of shield in front of me, it makes me feel slightly safe when the psychedelic earthquake hits. Weed is different, I get a lot of anxiety considering its hallucinogenic effects.

I initially became fearful and afraid of the dark (among more severe side-effects) after a really stupid delirium trip that I had early on, but weed makes the dark strange (very sudden and split-second hallucinations of zombies and other scary creatures) as well at high doses or after very heavy use.

I had a ton of side-effects from weed and got weeks-long hangovers from it a few times before I tried anything else, and yes, I felt like I was becoming insane. I became somewhat psychopathic and psychotic (voices, demons, things twisting around, laughing at me, I literally spoke to objects and animated room-sized faces which I thought was a sort of being from the world of weed, possibly a god (which I never believed in before and still don't) who then turned into a complete demon. Sometimes I thought I was crazy, other times I thought everyone else was crazy). Some of it was specifically caused by weed and some of it was caused by other drugs, but I assure you, weed played a huge role in ruining my life. I was ready to commit suicide, or more accurately, I could hardly wait. I had a very small amount of control over my mind after a while and it was automatically filling up with NOTHING but negative thoughts, things like knives would seem "perfect" for my throat, almost brighter and clearer than everything else at times. I'd throw everything against the wall, push my mother as hard as I could from the smallest things that would normally seem perfectly acceptable rather than extremely irritating and enjoy destroying my life (and not just in the common, kinky sense).

I lost almost all interest in pretty much everything. I couldn't masturbate anymore. Music, movies and games just annoyed me to no end. I could barely eat because the food always looked so fake and my stomach would really hurt when I smoked less than usual. As for going out, that's where we might be different. I was extremely paranoid. I didn't answer the phone, didn't see any friends, didn't go out, didn't even go near windows much, felt like I was always being watched by people or objects (they had blinking faces which would pinpoint my location like a magnifying glass that focuses light on a small point) or in a grey movie.

I definitely know what you mean by being too depressed to move. My body would go limp and I'd collapse and cry in a really strange way, sometimes I'd laugh and smile because I thought I was dying and this whole joke of a universe shut down (the prison guards discovered what I knew, so they sent extremely futuristic (yet retro) robots (I saw them as executioners of the future) to "terminate me," as they called it, and I saw what I thought was the terrifying and completely real (temporary) truth behind reality, either a mental institution, a slaughterhouse, or the most depressing, frightening, grey kind of prison imaginable, or I'd be eaten by my house. It always came down to death except for when I smoked just a bit less than what would have "killed" me (possibly a psychotic episode, to which I apparently don't have a predisposition and haven't had since I reduced my consumption, which was rarely more than a gram of STRONG bud per day, sometimes it was more like 1/4 or 1/3 of a gram). Before any of the serious stuff happened, and before I did any other drugs, high doses of weed would make me hear groups of teenagers talking about me or laughing at me outside of my house, usually just behind or to the side of a window.

You asked for people not to mention it, but I think you know what I think of weed (and every other drug from alcohol to psychedelics), and not just for myself. I didn't say anything. But yes, recovery (to a certain extent) is not only possible but likely if you work at it.

My childhood was difficult as well, but it didn't involve rape.

Wow. This is a really long post, perhaps overly long, but what can I say? I'm going through withdrawal and I can't sleep or something. Yeah, that's it. Maybe I've been a bit traumatized by it or I've become an attention whore from being so lonely. Well, take care, hopefully you can relate to some of this (which tends to make me feel better even if its bad).

 

[HippieChick]

I can identify with a lot of your experiences. Rape, massive use of weed; although I didn't start using until about the time I started having sex - age 17, almost 18. Supposedly (according to my Mom - who has a master's degree in guidance and counseling) people stop developing emotionally when they start using drugs. So if you started using at 12, you are 'emotionally' a 12 year old. Get some help, I am 43 and have noticed now that I have stopped using pot I am saner; not nearly as depressed or anxious. I know it's hard to hear and gosh don't think I don't miss it at times. There was a period recently where I would lay on the couch all day long and not turn on any lights, TV, nothing. Only thing is I have 4 year old son that I have to ya know ... feed, etc. so completely shutting down was not an option. Hang in there. I'm not sure where you live but seek out someone - a professional and tell your mum to please take/let you go speak with someone not so biased. (Mom's are obviously very close and she may be taking it personally, thinking that she has failed as a mom if you are having problems)? Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing. Peace out.

 

[molly897]

be careful of what you fuck with. you have issues already that certain drugs will inflame.. i was just depressed when I started doing coke and MDMA and now i've been diagnosed with 6 different disorders. and have been on almost the same amount of medication. you will end up fighting to get back to normal. i'm not telling you what to do, just be really cautious cause your vision gets fucked up from alot of drugs, and if you already see things, your vision will get blurred and things will get much "brighter", you'll see light when it's not there, or things in the shape of light. your peripheral vision gets fucked from too much of any drug... my vision has gone down hill, to the point where I needed to get them checked. and now wear glasses sometimes (ray banz man)

you think you can't feel worse but you can. you definitely definitely can and drug abuse will do this. i've heard voices for up to a month before, and been scared to go to sleep cuz I thought I was going to be arrested every night. still have panic attacks I've never had before too many drugs to this day..

oh yeah and I stopped abusing drugs at the end of may. and I'm still fucked up. it will happen if you really let yourself sink in the temporary high, cuz each time you are making your 'normal' more shittier when you come down. let your mom know you aren't okay though, holding it inside is the worst thing. don't try to just get over it. people won't think what you're usually thinking they are. that's anxiety. your mom wants you to be happy I'm sure but she can't jhelp you if she doesn't know

 

[ocean]

irmarose-
I totally relate to the mother thing!

My mother denied my rape - When I told a Dr. ( I was underage) the Dr. called my mom in and she was actually ashamed of ME! We got in the car and she told me I asked for it, that I was not to ever speak of it again. Having your number one supporter not support you in times of need, either in your depression or in other instances can really throw you for a loop.
When I expressed at other times, depression or suicidal thoughts I was told I was dramatic or selfish for feeling the way I did.........I really do understand.

(I am going to dig up a thread we had in TDS called Pandora's Box where there were a number of sexual assault victims who gave their story. I think others would benefit from reading those stories, and sharing theirsas well.)
I'm so sorry you're going through this and know you will come out stronger in the end for it.

 

[b4rd]

speak to a doctor.

^^^