I've been using drugs for much of the past 7 years. Mostly on and off until the past 4. Tried and abused virtually every drug under the sun. Controlled my use pretty well until the past 18 months or so. Progressed from light pain pills to oxy to heroin. After a few months of daily use I realized I was quickly losing control and had to make a change before it was too late. Although I knew I needed to put an end to my drug abuse I didn't truly want to. Tried maintaining on Subs but ended up using them only when I couldn't score or had no money. Unfortunately, I discovered bath salts which allowed me to keep away from heroin but IV use of random gas station chemicals brought me to my knees very quickly and messed up my psyche faster and more profoundly than anything I had abused before. Ended up in the hospital after an extremely "real" delusion that a needle had broken off into my vein which resulted in me frantically trying to remove it..by cutting into my skin. I swear I saw the shiny, thin metallic needle stuck in my vein. After an ambulance ride and xrays and a few hours coming down I had to face the fact that it was all a delusion. Looking back on it, if I was anywhere near sane at the time I would have known a needle was not broken off since all my rigs were still intact. Just goes to show how fucked up your thinking can get on that shit. That was only five days after discovering the drug, and consequently five days of constant use, no sleep, and no food. It's now been two months since that incident. I lost both my jobs, my ability to pay my bills. I no longer can afford to have my car. I'm looking at bankruptcy. Even after the incident, I pawned some very special belongings to get more bath salts, and had a couple short relapses on heroin. I think I finally hit my first real bottom and to be honest, I'm so glad I did and that it's had a lasting effect on me and my compulsion to use.
It's now been almost a month since I've used heroin, longer for bath salts. I'm almost a week completely clean off all drugs, and entering my second rehab next week. I'm grateful to say that I have had very few urges to use this past week, and the few I've had I've been able to quickly talk myself out of. For the first time in years I feel hope for my future instead of dread. I know I've fucked up my life and it will be a while before I get my life back on track and repair the damage I've done, but I'm actually excited to rebuild and start new. I never thought the day would come that the idea of using was unattractive to me, and I certainly didn't think it would come so soon and abruptly. I've lurked on these forums for several years, and more specifically, on TDS for the past year exclusively. I have to contribute at least some of my desire to quit, and the strength to deny my cravings to the posts I have read by other addicts in this forum. I'm so glad I have a place to go and read to remind myself of what more I can lose, and more trouble I can get myself into if I don't continue to fight my addiction that wants so desperately to kill me. I'm not sure what the point of this thread is other than to remind myself of where I've been, to share a bit of my story, and to offer thanks to everyone who has been a part of this forum. I believe I am one of many who has found hope, inspiration, and strength from the contributors on TDS to ward off many, many opportunities to relapse and begin the devastating cycle of addiction over again. Thanks once again. I shudder at the thought of where I may be had I not read so many of the posts here.
It's now been almost a month since I've used heroin, longer for bath salts. I'm almost a week completely clean off all drugs, and entering my second rehab next week. I'm grateful to say that I have had very few urges to use this past week, and the few I've had I've been able to quickly talk myself out of. For the first time in years I feel hope for my future instead of dread. I know I've fucked up my life and it will be a while before I get my life back on track and repair the damage I've done, but I'm actually excited to rebuild and start new. I never thought the day would come that the idea of using was unattractive to me, and I certainly didn't think it would come so soon and abruptly. I've lurked on these forums for several years, and more specifically, on TDS for the past year exclusively. I have to contribute at least some of my desire to quit, and the strength to deny my cravings to the posts I have read by other addicts in this forum. I'm so glad I have a place to go and read to remind myself of what more I can lose, and more trouble I can get myself into if I don't continue to fight my addiction that wants so desperately to kill me. I'm not sure what the point of this thread is other than to remind myself of where I've been, to share a bit of my story, and to offer thanks to everyone who has been a part of this forum. I believe I am one of many who has found hope, inspiration, and strength from the contributors on TDS to ward off many, many opportunities to relapse and begin the devastating cycle of addiction over again. Thanks once again. I shudder at the thought of where I may be had I not read so many of the posts here.
