I think I'm broken...

[wooger]

Hi Everyone

I'm not too sure why I'm writing this to be honest.... I really don't know what to do... I have managed to ruin my life

I have managed to run up huge debts, drop out of university and probably ruin all my organs by drinking about 20 beers or more a day for at least the last 2 years, I've managed to cut down to 12 a day and I'm hoping to be off alcohol forever soon (weening myself off it has been easier than I thought it would be, now that I've put my mind to it, it's not like I have much else to think about cus I don't have a job or any friends so I don't really do anything anymore other than think about how I need to stop drinking like that).

It makes me feel so pathetic to read that back but as i'm now having big portions of the day where there is no alcohol in my system I just kinda look at hoe I've been living and just see a total loser. I really don't know whether this is going to be fixable at all and I dunno... part of me just wants to give up and disappear

sorry for my rant, I just really needed to get that off my chest.. hmmm

 

[Lolie]

Everything you've mentioned is fixable with time. Debts can be payed off slowly. Studies can be resumed. The body has amazing powers of recuperation given time.

Where you're at now doesn't define your future. Start thinking about who you'd like to be a year from now and how you can get there from here. Moving towards something - who you do want to be - usually brings better results than just moving away from something because it doesn't leave a vacuum.

 

[wooger]

I hope you're right about the fixable thing, but about knowing who I want to be.. I just don't know, I don't even really know who I am now it seems like huge parts of 'me' have been masked by alcohol for the last few years almost constantly and even before I started drinking so heavily I was using MDMA/amphetamines pretty much every weekend when I was socialising that I don't think I've ever really had a friendship or whatever without being high/drunk for most of the time I've spent with people.

I can't even hold a conversation sober really

 

[WeMustEscapeEarth]

You're mind and body will definitely recuperate if you work on it. That sucks about all the debts though. But it's still fixable. As far as knowing who you are. I'm probably right with you. I don't like it when people tell me to find me myself. You should always continue to grow. Otherwise, you're just close-minded. My therapist told me to write down what I did everyday to help with finding me. I don't know how it is different from a journal. I think the point is to be mindful and your actions, thoughts, and feelings. Then, come to a conclusion of what you like and don't. I can't say because I quickly stopped doing it.

 

[Lolie]

None of that's unusual. It takes a while to find out who you are without your drug of choice - that's one reason it's not a good idea to get into relationships during the first year after getting clean because who you are and what you want keeps changing during that time.

I did everything ass about and started eliminating all the people, places and situations which reinforced my abuse before I actually stopped using my drug of choice - in fact I didn't even intend to stop drinking, I was just trying to eliminate things which didn't enhance my life and which I felt diminished it. I just wanted my life to be less stressful and drama-free. In my case, that was the vast majority of my social circle. And once my life was no longer stress-filled and full of other people's drama, the urge to drink just wasn't there as often and now it's not there at all.

In my case, those friendships were really dependent on my continuing to abuse alcohol and they haven't survived my sobriety. When I encounter those people now, we have nothing to talk about and no activity which bonds us. There's nothing I miss about being around them and you couldn't pay me enough to have them back in my life at close range. I truly didn't realise just how much of my energy was being consumed by other people's problems and dramas until I removed myself from them. It's only now I can really see just how much effort being so dysfunctional took.

 

[wooger]

thanks for the replies they made me smile.. I think sometimes it's easy to feel like ur a massive fuck up or something but other people have been through similar things and come out the other side.. I'm guessing it's going to take a lot of hard work though....

I can totally relate to the 'nothing to talk about' thing, most of the people I know are not really my friends at all, more kind of my best friend's friends (if that makes sense ) and I was round his house the other night for the first time in forever, and sober. I had no idea what to say to them, but the thing is, I am pretty much like that with everyone when I'm sober and I have no idea about how to go abou meeting new people and interacting with them and stuff, thats something most people learn when they are like 13 or something.

I feel like a freak

ps 'It's only now I can really see just how much effort being so dysfunctional took' thats a great quote, I'm stealing it

 

[Lolie]

ps 'It's only now I can really see just how much effort being so dysfunctional took' thats a great quote, I'm stealing it

You're welcome. It's true though. When we look at changing our lives it always seems like it's going to take a monumental amount of effort but we rarely acknowledge how much effort staying dysfunctional takes.

I happened to spend a large portion of last weekend with one of my former drinking buddies and I was absolutely stunned by how much time and energy he expended on finding ways to get beer and pot - and as soon as he got it he started planning where the next lot was going to come from. It really was an all day job and one which started over again the next morning. From the time he wakes up until the time he goes to sleep, he's always strategising - it doesn't leave much energy for other things.

 

[wooger]

I sound just like your friend I know I have to stop doing this to my body or die pretty young, but another part of thinks 'well you spend your life drinking and not mixing with anyone, why does it matter if you die, you don't have a life outside getting fucked up on whatever you can get your hands on' and since that is normally alcohol right now, I don't really have a life outside drinking at all.

Sometimes.... I don't know... I think I have the 'doomed' gene or something