I think I'm becoming a full fledged alcoholic..

[Long Clips]

Hey guys. I have been a long time lurker of The Dark Side, as well as an occasional Google visitor to read trip reports on new RC's, etc.

I'm 21 years old... I've lived in four U.S states and been to rehab 3 times and jail for a collective time of about 7 months since turning 18.. all for poly-drug use which was making my life unmanageable. Never really for alcohol in particular. My 2nd time in rehab I sat in detox for a nasty heroin addiction I picked up in New York for 9 days and I was still sick as fuck for about a week of the inpatient program.. I've always been a "jack of all trades" so to speak, alcohol has always been in the picture.

Alcohol has been responsible for nearly all of my criminal offenses in one way or another, and I used to just chug liquor to get where I wanted to be, black out and do stupid shit. It was truly detrimental.


Since turning 21 almost exactly 2 months ago, shit has gone down the shitter. I started drinking again the day I turned 21 after having sworn off it after getting released from my last jail sentence (my longest yet, at 120 days). I won't lie to you and say I NEVER drank during this period but it was never much a part of my life. I was more of a Butylone/JWH fiend. My life was pretty stable during these use days, save for a few huge binges..

Well, it took less than a week for me to lose my job, and I haven't so much as looked since. I've drank to excess from the time I wake up to the time I pass out daily since then.. Franzia boxed wine, 211 40 oz's, and TAAKA vodka have been my demons.

I've just recently noticed that I wake up shaking VIOLENTLY, and i'm ice cold, and my head space is scattered as hell until I crack a beer in the morning.. Then I'm cool. I slowly drink all day, every day. I barely notice any "effects" anymore, it's just the status quo..

I don't really know how to break this cycle, guys........... I have red flags all in my medical files or whatever, I got a prescription for Tylenol 3 when I had my wisdom teeth remove.. I can't afford detox, and my family has been 100% DONE for almost a year now.

I don't wanna seize out and die, but I can't STOP anyway.. It just makes me feel so much better.. I've always been the one to say alcohol is a shitty drug, and look at me now..

 

[xxsicknessxx]

all I can say is the longer you drink the worse the WD will be the harder it will be to quit.
Example. If you think your shakes are bad now (and are afraid it might kill you) think how much worse it might be in 6 months from now.

I would go to the ER (while your in your WD with shakes) and they will prescribe you meds are keep you there and give you meds to make sure your ok. Otherwise I would go to a family doctor example your situation and they will more then likely prescribe you a benzo to help with the WD. You are right you can die from just quitting cold turkey if your bad enough the doctors understand this and they will help you At least keep a eye on you until your though it.

Quit now or forever hold your peace

 

[Long Clips]

all I can say is the longer you drink the worse the WD will be the harder it will be to quit.
Example. If you think your shakes are bad now (and are afraid it might kill you) think how much worse it might be in 6 months from now.

I would go to the ER (while your in your WD with shakes) and they will prescribe you meds are keep you there and give you meds to make sure your ok. Otherwise I would go to a family doctor example your situation and they will more then likely prescribe you a benzo to help with the WD. You are right you can die from just quitting cold turkey if your bad enough the doctors understand this and they will help you At least keep a eye on you until your though it.

Quit now or forever hold your peace

thank u, i'm drunk as shit but tomorrow I'm gonna call 911 on myself. My old forum hasn't helped for shit. I met a girl on my old forum and we fell in love, we met IRL twice for a week at a time, and she's just a troll.

 

[Fresco]

How many days/weeks do you have to drink continously before alcohol WD will (or can) kill you??

 

[Long Clips]

not sure the minimum, but I've been drinkin' daily for about 9 months day in and day out and it FEELS like alcohol W/D's could kill me. I have my habit at a very manageable ~$8 a day

Today I've drank 2 Steel Reserve 40 oz's and 1 1/2 Four Lokos (23.5 oz/12% ethanol) and I feel sober yet am very fucked up.

 

[TouchN' Stuff Blvd]

Its always possible to imagine someone worse off than yourself and feel tough because you are holding together better than someone you can find in a similar situation..
But yeah, from an outsiders point of you just reading about your situation makes me want to cry, please find medical help to detox, a human life is too precious to just waste like that.

 

[Long Clips]

I feel that. a lot of these threads on TDS have made me cry hard... i am not a fucking robot. there's always someone worse off than you. but IMO everyone on TDS is at least of above-average intelligence and we could all do something important with our lives if we got these drugs/alcohol out of our life...

 

[Fresco]

not sure the minimum, but I've been drinkin' daily for about 9 months day in and day out and it FEELS like alcohol W/D's could kill me. I have my habit at a very manageable ~$8 a day

Today I've drank 2 Steel Reserve 40 oz's and 1 1/2 Four Lokos (23.5 oz/12% ethanol) and I feel sober yet am very fucked up

Go get help. Nobody wants to see you die

 

[Long Clips]

Yes sir. On the 3rd four loko of the night. i feel sober... but I could easily pass out if I wanted to.

 

[TouchN' Stuff Blvd]

You have a very cool way of dismissing things, which im sure you are only better at IRL and you have used to allow your huge drinking problem to eat into more of your life. But I dont know what to say other than I dont think it is helping you in the long run...

 

[Long Clips]

its a blessing and a curse.. it's the same way i'm gonna be a hip hop superstar.. but yeah it's hurting the fuck out of me EVEN in the short run

thanks to everyone who commented

 

[captaincaveman]

Hey Long Clips as a recovering alcoholic I know the score (sorry for stupid listerine post mods btw). I have had two alcohol related seizures, not pleasant. The trick is if you can't go to detox is to reduce your alcohol intake slowly, say 5% a day. I couldn't do this but you might have to will power to do it. In the UK, the NHS will put you on a five day detox using librium, of course it's free over here. I might get in trouble with the mods again but have you got any access to benzos? Preferably doctor prescribed and you can do a home detox (something to do with both drugs workin on the same Gamma receptors or something).

You asked how long can you on before you could die of a alcohol seizure. I drunk a month straight for my first one, then two weeks for my second. Once you've had one, your more susceptible for another.

You've been drinking for nine months straight you can't stop. By all means try and reduce yourself but it's damn hard (5% a day). Get to ER make sure you haven't drunk for a few hours (don't wait too long as sezures can kick after nine hours all the way to 48 I think). Your doctor will give some benzos (don't know what they use in the US, hope it isn't oxazepam, that's rubbish). Tell him the length of time you've been drinking even exaggerate the amounts to make sure your admitted. Your health system is a bit harsh in my opinion but they can't dscharge you if you're in daner of havin a seizure and dying (quite likely given the amounts and time). Good luck it can be done, I did it

 

[Mariposa]

I recommend that you see a doctor and not try to manage this level of withdrawal by yourself.

I have not had a seizure from alcohol withdrawal, knock wood (I am 5 days clean now). I was shaky while I was drinking. I'm not now. I drank near-daily for a few years, before that mostly socially, and I've had a few overly dramatic situations but none that resulted in the things you describe. Because of the impact alcohol has had on your life, you must get to a point where you no longer drink. No one here is a doctor. In my experience, being honest with non-drinkers (whether or not 'alcoholics') and putting myself in their company rather than meeting my drinker friends for that one pint that never seems to stay just one, has helped a lot.

If you must detox at home, this is one way that works for many people:

http://hamsnetwork.org/taper/

It isn't too late for you to live a life of happiness and productivity. I hope you find the best way for you to recover from both alcohol w/d and the pain of your alcohol-related past.

 

[Long Clips]

woke up this morning violently shaking and baking... took a liquid shit and as i was violently shaking i swore up and down i wouldn't drink today.. i lasted a good hour before i started puking in my mouth. guess what happened? I'm drinking 40's like a dumbass again.


currently reading Mariposa's link and trying to make sense of it..

 

[ugly]

OMG. If you could have been with me bringing my mom down to my house. We drove through the night. I prefer to drive at night always and I figured she'd sleep. She's 73. She's not just an alcoholic. She is a drunk. Also she takes methadone for chronic pain and lorazapam for sleeping.

She didn't sleep. We drove 10 or 11 hours and she drank She was already drunk before we got on the road. Once when we stopped at a gas station and she said she needed to go inside, I said "Let me start the pump real quick, and I'll walk you in there." I knew she couldn't walk.

She decided to get out the car anyway and she fell flat on her back. I came running around the car to see my mom splayed completely out on the concrete staring at the sky. I thought she was dead. There were some truckers there, and they ran over and helped me get her up. She was ok, more or less. She thought she was saying words. She peed all over herself. I had to hold her up and get her into the restroom. Wash her. FORCE her to stay in the stall while I ran out and got clean clothes for her, and I got her dry and in clean clothes, and back out to the car.

I drove the next five hours in panic attack. I am just barely breathing again. She hurt her wrist but it didn't swell. She put ice on it right away. When we got to my sister's house she went straight in to bed. My sister was getting ready for church so I stayed there until they got back, in case my mom woke up. My mom could be asleep concussed right now. She could die. At my sister's house. And I would definitely feel like it was my fault.

I am supposed to spend most of this week at my sisters to keep an eye on my niece. I start my internship tomorrow. I can't not go. I'll lose my spot. There's a lot of students in my class still looking for intern spots. My sister is mad that I can't watch my niece and she's mad that I brought our mom down there drunk.

I asked my mom not to drink so many times before we left and while we were leaving and while we were driving. My sister flat HATES our mom for being a drunk.

And yet my sister has been to rehab for alcoholism herself and she will trade me whatever I need for my klonopins. (Yes. I learned that enabling my mom was to my benefit at a young age, but I didn't know that's what I was doing until Alanon many years later.)

My mom's such a mess. SUCH a fucking mess. And my sister gets upset about it which makes no sense because she's just like that.

Anyway, you are young. You might not be able to imagine alcoholism as something that lives with you for decades. 73 and a heavy drinker most of her life. You could live to be that old. And you could fall flat on your back at a dirty gas station. And then wet yourself. You could have a son or a daughter, maybe a few kids, and then a few grand kids, and every one of those lives which you took part in creating will be tortured by your alcoholism.

I love my mother. I cherish her and the time I spend with her. But she is eaten away by the drink, her body folding in on itself and her mind caving in on itself as the infrastructures of her person and her personality disintegrate.

Do whatever it takes to save yourself from alcohol. Whatever sacrifice you make, or price you pay, or pain you feel, will be and is worth it. I drove over 10 hours with a lifelong alcoholic last night, whom I love, and whom I'm watching die a long, slow, truly miserable death.

You have probably already started dying that long slow miserable death yourself. Please for fuck sake PLEASE stop drinking. You do not know, you cannot yet even guess at your young age, what damage those 40s, stupid recyclables that in and of themselves are meaningless, will do. You can hold one in your hand and it looks like it's yours. You are holding it. You bought it. But it can make you look like you are it's bitch, its fuck em time.

I'm sorry... I'm SO sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this and if you end up like my mom, someone, unknown, unplanned, uncreated as of yet, not born, not even conceived, will feel how I feel tonight. That person will think of you and wonder how to say goodbye to you, and you won't be able to care, because your emotions will be so sick with the drink.

 

[webbykevin]

It just makes me feel so much better..

Then what's the problem ?

 

[xxsicknessxx]

its just going to get worse, and worse... once your at the point where your drinking just to be able to move, and eat... when your WD are so bad you can't even shower, or feed your self because your hands are shaking so bad you can't get the food in your mouth...

It can get worse... and worse... it can get so bad that.....

Lets just say quit now... drinking is a bad way to go and it will hurt the people around you so much to watch you slowly kill your self

 

[HCandKROD]

If you do continue drinking make sure to get your B vitamins at least. You'll end up with "wet brain"

 

[Long Clips]

If you do continue drinking make sure to get your B vitamins at least. You'll end up with "wet brain"

*drunkly eats 5 multivitamins*

Then what's the problem ?

No one wants to hire someone who shows up smelling like Four Loko and my "side" income at this point in time is laughable..

OMG. If you could have been with me bringing my mom down to my house. We drove through the night. I prefer to drive at night always and I figured she'd sleep. She's 73. She's not just an alcoholic. She is a drunk. Also she takes methadone for chronic pain and lorazapam for sleeping.

She didn't sleep. We drove 10 or 11 hours and she drank She was already drunk before we got on the road. Once when we stopped at a gas station and she said she needed to go inside, I said "Let me start the pump real quick, and I'll walk you in there." I knew she couldn't walk.

She decided to get out the car anyway and she fell flat on her back. I came running around the car to see my mom splayed completely out on the concrete staring at the sky. I thought she was dead. There were some truckers there, and they ran over and helped me get her up. She was ok, more or less. She thought she was saying words. She peed all over herself. I had to hold her up and get her into the restroom. Wash her. FORCE her to stay in the stall while I ran out and got clean clothes for her, and I got her dry and in clean clothes, and back out to the car.

I drove the next five hours in panic attack. I am just barely breathing again. She hurt her wrist but it didn't swell. She put ice on it right away. When we got to my sister's house she went straight in to bed. My sister was getting ready for church so I stayed there until they got back, in case my mom woke up. My mom could be asleep concussed right now. She could die. At my sister's house. And I would definitely feel like it was my fault.

I am supposed to spend most of this week at my sisters to keep an eye on my niece. I start my internship tomorrow. I can't not go. I'll lose my spot. There's a lot of students in my class still looking for intern spots. My sister is mad that I can't watch my niece and she's mad that I brought our mom down there drunk.

I asked my mom not to drink so many times before we left and while we were leaving and while we were driving. My sister flat HATES our mom for being a drunk.

And yet my sister has been to rehab for alcoholism herself and she will trade me whatever I need for my klonopins. (Yes. I learned that enabling my mom was to my benefit at a young age, but I didn't know that's what I was doing until Alanon many years later.)

My mom's such a mess. SUCH a fucking mess. And my sister gets upset about it which makes no sense because she's just like that.

Anyway, you are young. You might not be able to imagine alcoholism as something that lives with you for decades. 73 and a heavy drinker most of her life. You could live to be that old. And you could fall flat on your back at a dirty gas station. And then wet yourself. You could have a son or a daughter, maybe a few kids, and then a few grand kids, and every one of those lives which you took part in creating will be tortured by your alcoholism.

I love my mother. I cherish her and the time I spend with her. But she is eaten away by the drink, her body folding in on itself and her mind caving in on itself as the infrastructures of her person and her personality disintegrate.

Do whatever it takes to save yourself from alcohol. Whatever sacrifice you make, or price you pay, or pain you feel, will be and is worth it. I drove over 10 hours with a lifelong alcoholic last night, whom I love, and whom I'm watching die a long, slow, truly miserable death.

You have probably already started dying that long slow miserable death yourself. Please for fuck sake PLEASE stop drinking. You do not know, you cannot yet even guess at your young age, what damage those 40s, stupid recyclables that in and of themselves are meaningless, will do. You can hold one in your hand and it looks like it's yours. You are holding it. You bought it. But it can make you look like you are it's bitch, its fuck em time.

I'm sorry... I'm SO sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this and if you end up like my mom, someone, unknown, unplanned, uncreated as of yet, not born, not even conceived, will feel how I feel tonight. That person will think of you and wonder how to say goodbye to you, and you won't be able to care, because your emotions will be so sick with the drink.

Makes me sick to think that I might live to be even half that old. I turned 21 2 months ago and I'm hopelessly addicted to this shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pe0n5mqkf6c

^shit like that doesn't help..

 

[Fresco]

^^^^ Long clips, have you looked into the "Law of Attraction"?? Its made a HUGE difference in my life ever since I started practicing and applying it.

Something inside you hurts, and you're trying to shut if off with pain killers (AKA alcohol)