I think I might be getting out of control

[Ethan729]

I'm starting to worry that I might be addicted to getting high. I've been told multiple times since about March and October/November that I am addicted, but now I'm starting to think that the people who told me that may be right.

I know I feel weird and not-good whenever I've gone a few days without being high, but generally I could still plan out when I'd get high, and only do it on those days and only what I said I'd do, and not take any stupid risks.
But now I'm kinda bouncing between trying to stop altogether, and trying to be high all the time. Except when I decide I'm gonna quit, that lasts for like two or three days at most.
It just kinda worried me a bit that I'd decided that I wouldn't get high until Wednesday or Saturday, then I decided I'd do it Wednesday, but then for no apparent reason, I got high off painkillers that were just in my house. (Then I went into a panic, trying to come up with ways I could explain why I took three doses of a painkiller in the 4 hours I was alone, when you're meant to take them once every 4-6 hours) I don't even know why I did that, or what I was thinking or anything. I just acted on the opportunity that was there, without even thinking!
So then that night I thought "I didn't intend to get high today at all. This is kinda scaring me. Right, so I won't get high tomorrow. I'll try to stop again, and maybe I'll mean it this time."
But then yesterday I went out and got more painkillers, again just taking the opportunity as it presented itself, without even thinking that much. Then I debated on whether I'd get high today or not, and I forget what conclusion I came to, but either way I did, and then I found myself wanting to take the rest of the pills today when I got home, 'cause the ones I'd taken this morning had worn off. I never, ever used to get high more than once in a day. So that kinda scares me.

And now I'm thinking, once again, that maybe I should try to stop again or something. But that's never worked before (except for between May and August. I didn't get high for any of those months). I need to stop this before like May or so, 'cause I have exams in June, and I can't really afford to be high for all of them... And I even more can't afford to be just stopping when I'm doing the exams ('cause I tend to do awfully in school whenever I haven't been high in a while).

Another thing that scares/concerns me a lot is that recently, I've been feeling really bad, awful, upset, hopeless, like I can't handle anything, like everything is bad, like I wanna die. I've felt like this before. Back from around September '09 to January '10. Then I started getting high all the time, and those feelings stopped, and I was normal and everything was brilliant. But now I'm still getting high, but those feelings are back? And those feelings are never, ever a good sign! It means I for some reason can't cope with anything/everything. It means I'll end up flipping out in some way, be that self-harming, screaming, crying, hurting others, stopping eating, trying to kill myself, etc. This has all happened quite a bit before. It all just seems kinda impossible to fix, though.
So I figure that the bad feelings might go away if I either stop getting high altogether (which sounds like a good option right now, but I doubt it will tomorrow or the next day...), or if I start doing DXM and DPH again like I used to ('cause I've only been doing codeine recently), or if I just start getting high like once or twice a day, every day. That last option isn't an option, so I have to try one of the first two.

But no matter what I do, I end up getting high. I try to ration my money out so I don't have enough to buy anything, but then I just open the hard-to-open moneybox I put it in, or find it or whatever, and then I just buy stuff. And once I have stuff, I can't exactly ration it out. Or at least, I can't anymore, apparently. Maybe I'll just end up spending all my money, and then I'll have none, so then I'll have to stop... Except that would only work if I was buying stuff like 2-4 times a week. Which, I forget if I am... Either way, my family always gives me money, and I also tend to ask for money from them if I don't have any. And I can't exactly say "Can you just stop giving me money? Even if I ask for some and give a legitimate-sounding excuse?" because that would be way too suspicious.

Anyway, so I think I may have a problem. I'm finding it hard to stop getting high, and so I don't really know what to do. That's why I'm posting here, I'm hoping someone could help me, somehow. I don't really know how, though. It's not like you can reach through the internet and magically unaddict me...

Also: About a month ago, someone on a different part of the internet said to me "Talk to a former addict and see what they think about your situation. I think it could change how you view all this." and "If you can, go to an NA meeting, talk to a recovered addict. This is how it starts, or even worse, how addiction just IS for an addict. And it does get bad, but by that point, you're too far tangled up in it to get out, and it's just too late."
I'm sure there's recovered addict-people on here, so if any of you could somehow "change my views on all this" or whatever that person meant, that would be cool...

Thanks for reading this, and thanks for any replies/opinions/advice.

 

[swilow]

To me, it sounds like you are very very close to being seriously physically addicted to codeine. Or maybe you are; if you don't take any opiates for 24 hours, how do you physically feel?

It is very hard to say no to drugs, especially opiates of any sort, but if you get to the point where you get badly sick if you don't take your drugs, recovery is a million times harder and saying no isn't even a reasonable option anymore. Once you have been addicted, it becomes very hard to enjoy anything in life; the cravings are incredibly unsettling, the dysphoria is crippling, the constant possibility that you will fall right back into addiction again plus many other negative symptoms will just make happiness something distant and illusory. Of course, EVERYONE can recover from addiction, but its very hard, and it would better to never get addicted. I was badly hooked on morphine and heroin and, whilst I am clean now, the toll that this has taken on me is, at times, insurmountable.

Its never "too late" to get out of this life, but its also never too early. You really need to have some distance between you and drugs; maybe try and use once a week only (which will be difficult and fraught with the danger of using moreso) or try and use some kind of discipline and willpower to control your habit. Ultimately, complete abstinence is safest, but structured and unchanging irregular dosing is better then full on binging.

 

[badfish45]

Willow has some good advice. I personally would stop this before it's too late, even rehab, because something this small could turn into something bigger than you could ever handle.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I'm starting to worry that I might be addicted to getting high. I've been told multiple times since about March and October/November that I am addicted, but now I'm starting to think that the people who told me that may be right.

I know I feel weird and not-good whenever I've gone a few days without being high, but generally I could still plan out when I'd get high, and only do it on those days and only what I said I'd do, and not take any stupid risks.
But now I'm kinda bouncing between trying to stop altogether, and trying to be high all the time. Except when I decide I'm gonna quit, that lasts for like two or three days at most.
It just kinda worried me a bit that I'd decided that I wouldn't get high until Wednesday or Saturday, then I decided I'd do it Wednesday, but then for no apparent reason, I got high off painkillers that were just in my house. (Then I went into a panic, trying to come up with ways I could explain why I took three doses of a painkiller in the 4 hours I was alone, when you're meant to take them once every 4-6 hours) I don't even know why I did that, or what I was thinking or anything. I just acted on the opportunity that was there, without even thinking!
So then that night I thought "I didn't intend to get high today at all. This is kinda scaring me. Right, so I won't get high tomorrow. I'll try to stop again, and maybe I'll mean it this time."
But then yesterday I went out and got more painkillers, again just taking the opportunity as it presented itself, without even thinking that much. Then I debated on whether I'd get high today or not, and I forget what conclusion I came to, but either way I did, and then I found myself wanting to take the rest of the pills today when I got home, 'cause the ones I'd taken this morning had worn off. I never, ever used to get high more than once in a day. So that kinda scares me.

And now I'm thinking, once again, that maybe I should try to stop again or something. But that's never worked before (except for between May and August. I didn't get high for any of those months). I need to stop this before like May or so, 'cause I have exams in June, and I can't really afford to be high for all of them... And I even more can't afford to be just stopping when I'm doing the exams ('cause I tend to do awfully in school whenever I haven't been high in a while).

Another thing that scares/concerns me a lot is that recently, I've been feeling really bad, awful, upset, hopeless, like I can't handle anything, like everything is bad, like I wanna die. I've felt like this before. Back from around September '09 to January '10. Then I started getting high all the time, and those feelings stopped, and I was normal and everything was brilliant. But now I'm still getting high, but those feelings are back? And those feelings are never, ever a good sign! It means I for some reason can't cope with anything/everything. It means I'll end up flipping out in some way, be that self-harming, screaming, crying, hurting others, stopping eating, trying to kill myself, etc. This has all happened quite a bit before. It all just seems kinda impossible to fix, though.
So I figure that the bad feelings might go away if I either stop getting high altogether (which sounds like a good option right now, but I doubt it will tomorrow or the next day...), or if I start doing DXM and DPH again like I used to ('cause I've only been doing codeine recently), or if I just start getting high like once or twice a day, every day. That last option isn't an option, so I have to try one of the first two.

Okay, first things first, this is really good that you're acknowledging you might have a problem and that you're wanting to do something about it now. It takes some drug users YEARS or even DECADES to reach that point, so good for you for admitting this to yourself now before things get any worse.

It sounds like you've got some underlying issues going on like depression, whether or not those issues were always there and you've been trying to escape them, or whether your drug use has caused depression to develop, I'm not sure. But it may be that the reason you still have those bad thoughts and feelings now even though you're still getting high, is because all of those underlying issues are still there even when you're high, but the codeine (or whatever else you've taken) are just masking those feelings temporarily. The more you try to ignore/squash/resist/numb your depression, the worse it's going to get. I know this from personal experience.

Ethan, have you spoken to a medical professional about this before? Have you ever seen a psychologist/counsellor for anything in the past? I really think that you should consider talking to a therapist about what you're going through, they will hopefully give you some useful tips on how you can deal with life without getting high. They will also teach you some methods of coping with your depression as well. It could be so helpful, so I really think you should consider it.

In the short-term, what kinds of things do you do, instead of getting high? Being an alcoholic I know that ANY free time I have, whether it's at home or at work or at uni etc, if I'm bored my mind automatically starts thinking about drinking and getting drunk. It's just the way addiction works. So if you're not actively filling up your spare time with other activities that don't involve getting high, and if you're just sitting around the house bored with nothing to do, it's going to be almost impossible for you to not get high! You can make it easier for yourself but planning lots of distracting activities such as exercise, going out for coffee with friends, going to see a movie, that kinda stuff that gets you out of the house and takes your mind off drugs.

Anyway, keep us updated with how you're going okay? Take care

 

[ChaosBuild3]

I wouldnt say your physically addicted at all. You are definitely very close to being mentally addicted. The only way you can stop it, lays with you. I can offer you the method I used to stop it worked for me even when I was going through WD's but first I have to ask if you are able to do any kind of physical exercise, if not, do you mind telling me what your hobbies are? I can help you create a system to use that would keep your mind off of it and help yourself gain control. Please let me know your hobbies and if you enjoy physical exercise if you would like me to share.

 

[Sappy_6794]

Yeah, i think you are on the lines of getting addicted, the fact that youre asking is the proof. Just stop doing it for a while, you need to learn how to use it in a healthy way if its something youd like to continue, but you definitly need to stop if its not. Go do stuff away from your house and keep your mind off of it, ive been there and its just a good thing to do to kick it before this addiction becomes full blown

 

[DistyBoi]

Your doing so much better than a lot of people do, as you have actually consciously noticed whats happening well before you start getting in too deep and posted here about it! A lot of other people are in a lot worse situtaions than you as they did not realize where their habits were leading them, and some still dont.

It sounds to me as if you are suffering more from a psychological addiction to alter your consciousness, which has possibly lead to a mild physical addiction (hard to tell unless you tell us dosages per day of what drugs). The reason that things are not getting better is that the reason(s) why you felt the need to excessively use the painkillers in the first place has not been solved, its just been hidden from you by the high they have given you. You might not know exactly what this is, or you might have an idea of what it is but choose to block it out of your thoughts, either way you should think about why you started using the drugs if you are not happy using them anymore and try to solve that issue.

The best thing to do is to speak to someone about this (family, a private counseller, people on this forum, a friend that will understand maybe) and explain your situation. Try to change your environment by going on holiday or staying at a different location where its hard to do drugs. If you feel withdrawls badly from the drugs when you stop then get extra help (doctor or otherwise), but from what you said I can't see you having major issues. Good luck, you'll be fine

 

[Ethan729]

Okay, first things first, this is really good that you're acknowledging you might have a problem and that you're wanting to do something about it now. It takes some drug users YEARS or even DECADES to reach that point, so good for you for admitting this to yourself now before things get any worse.

It sounds like you've got some underlying issues going on like depression, whether or not those issues were always there and you've been trying to escape them, or whether your drug use has caused depression to develop, I'm not sure. But it may be that the reason you still have those bad thoughts and feelings now even though you're still getting high, is because all of those underlying issues are still there even when you're high, but the codeine (or whatever else you've taken) are just masking those feelings temporarily. The more you try to ignore/squash/resist/numb your depression, the worse it's going to get. I know this from personal experience.

Ethan, have you spoken to a medical professional about this before? Have you ever seen a psychologist/counsellor for anything in the past? I really think that you should consider talking to a therapist about what you're going through, they will hopefully give you some useful tips on how you can deal with life without getting high. They will also teach you some methods of coping with your depression as well. It could be so helpful, so I really think you should consider it.

In the short-term, what kinds of things do you do, instead of getting high? Being an alcoholic I know that ANY free time I have, whether it's at home or at work or at uni etc, if I'm bored my mind automatically starts thinking about drinking and getting drunk. It's just the way addiction works. So if you're not actively filling up your spare time with other activities that don't involve getting high, and if you're just sitting around the house bored with nothing to do, it's going to be almost impossible for you to not get high! You can make it easier for yourself but planning lots of distracting activities such as exercise, going out for coffee with friends, going to see a movie, that kinda stuff that gets you out of the house and takes your mind off drugs.

Anyway, keep us updated with how you're going okay? Take care

I don't think I have depression, 'cause I know I thought I did before and was told repeatedly that I didn't. I go to a family therapist every two weeks, and he doesn't know about me getting high, but he knows pretty much everything else there is to know. Going there doesn't seem to really help me anyway, it just makes me feel better that day. He never usually tells me how to cope with anything, and most of what he says consists of "This will be better in a few years or so, you'll grow out of it, you just have to give it time." and stuff like that. Which is a fair point, 'cause apparently high school or whatever can be the worst time of your life. Apparently everything's meant to be better like next year, though I don't think being older is going to magically make me feel okay all the time. My therapist-person did tell me ways to calm myself down or something, though he said it'd be better if I came up with my own ways, since apparently I'd know best what works for me.

I don't really do much. I read stuff and write stuff and listen to music. I don't really have friends or anything I do. And I'm much more likely to get high if I do leave the house, anyway. For the simple reason that I can buy stuff at pharmacies, and I can only get to pharmacies if I go out. A thing I used to do for fun when I was off school for any holidays was take random buses to see where they go. I'm not sure why I find that fun, but I do. But I always used to do that high, and taking buses will usually bring me to places where there may be pharmacies. I'm really better off staying inside and doing nothing, because then nothing can upset me and I won't have to deal with anything, so I won't need to get high.
I can't just stop going to school, though, so I need to come up with some other way of making school more tolerable somehow.

I wouldnt say your physically addicted at all. You are definitely very close to being mentally addicted. The only way you can stop it, lays with you. I can offer you the method I used to stop it worked for me even when I was going through WD's but first I have to ask if you are able to do any kind of physical exercise, if not, do you mind telling me what your hobbies are? I can help you create a system to use that would keep your mind off of it and help yourself gain control. Please let me know your hobbies and if you enjoy physical exercise if you would like me to share.

That would be cool if you could tell me your method. It might help me.
I'm able to exercise, but I tend not to. I go to the gym once or twice a week, but I only go so as I have an excuse to go out, so as I can stop by a pharmacy and buy stuff... Walking would be the most exercise I do, 'cause I just walk a lot for some reason. Well, I can anyway. But I don't that often. My hobbies are reading stuff and writing stuff, basically.

If you could tell me your system, that'd be good. 'Cause I don't have a system at the moment, and my method of just telling myself to stop hasn't even remotely worked so far.

It sounds to me as if you are suffering more from a psychological addiction to alter your consciousness, which has possibly lead to a mild physical addiction (hard to tell unless you tell us dosages per day of what drugs).

I tend to get headaches and start shaking/shivering for no reason after not being high for like a day. Then I get random pain and feel tired and just like crap. It could go either way though; it could be physical withdrawals or something, or it could just all be psychosomatic.
I recently take like 75mg or so of codeine every day or two. Though yesterday I took 150mg and nothing happened, which was really weird. I used to take either 95-190mg of DXM, or 80mg of DXM with 175mg of DPH, or 180mg of DPH, about 2-7 times a week, maybe like 3 or 4 times a week on average. Then I experimented with promethazine, and that somehow made me decide to do codeine, which is what I've been doing for the past couple of weeks.

 

[Doomed2pain]

If the 150mg didn't work then it sounds like your body has developed tolerance, so physical withdrawals are very likely. When I started taking 30/500mg codeine tablets, 8 a day after my accident it really didn't take long for the physical dependence to start, and they never touched my pain either. I've since then been on fentanyl, oxycodone, morphine etc so my tolerance is quite high, and I still don't get adequate pain relief. But there isn't a psychological addiction, as I am using meds for pain, and I have never felt euphoria from them, which blows lol.

Why not try and go out to walk a lot but take no money with you so you can't go to the chemist? Take your head phones with you, your writing pad and sit somewhere nice and write? Or read. Book? I know the weather isn't really good for that now though, winter is well on the way. Are there any sports you'd like to start to keep you occupied? I was a semi pro mma fighter before my accident, and such full on sports give you a buzz like no other, and you'd make new friends. Most places wouldn't take you for mma as you're a bit young yet, but I did Thai boxing and jui jitsu for years before I started mma.

Just a thought

 

[n3ophy7e]

Why not try and go out to walk a lot but take no money with you so you can't go to the chemist? Take your head phones with you, your writing pad and sit somewhere nice and write? Or read. Book? I know the weather isn't really good for that now though, winter is well on the way. Are there any sports you'd like to start to keep you occupied? I was a semi pro mma fighter before my accident, and such full on sports give you a buzz like no other, and you'd make new friends. Most places wouldn't take you for mma as you're a bit young yet, but I did Thai boxing and jui jitsu for years before I started mma.

Great suggestions Doomed, thank you

I don't think I have depression, 'cause I know I thought I did before and was told repeatedly that I didn't. I go to a family therapist every two weeks, and he doesn't know about me getting high, but he knows pretty much everything else there is to know. Going there doesn't seem to really help me anyway, it just makes me feel better that day. He never usually tells me how to cope with anything, and most of what he says consists of "This will be better in a few years or so, you'll grow out of it, you just have to give it time." and stuff like that. Which is a fair point, 'cause apparently high school or whatever can be the worst time of your life. Apparently everything's meant to be better like next year, though I don't think being older is going to magically make me feel okay all the time. My therapist-person did tell me ways to calm myself down or something, though he said it'd be better if I came up with my own ways, since apparently I'd know best what works for me.

That's great you see a family therapist. Therapy is one of those things that only works if you make the effort to put in to practice the things your therapist teaches you. If they have given you a few methods to use to calm yourself down, have you actually tried them? If so, did they work? And for how long were you trying those methods? Things like that get better and easier with more practice, so even if they didn't really help much in the beginning, you may find that they become more effective with practice. And then, as your therapist said, over time you will come across your own methods for calming yourself down that work better for you. But yeah, you have to put in the time and effort to practicing them. It sounds like you might be expecting your therapist to just magically give you answers that work straight away, but unfortunately sometimes it's just not that easy.

I'm really better off staying inside and doing nothing, because then nothing can upset me and I won't have to deal with anything, so I won't need to get high.
I can't just stop going to school, though, so I need to come up with some other way of making school more tolerable somehow.

Staying inside and hiding away from the world and from your problems IS easier in the short-term because like you said, you don't have to deal with anything. But you realise that the more you hide away and avoid your problems, the LESS able you are to cope with them, hence the worse things will get in the long run. Like I said above, you need to put in solid effort in to learning to cope with life's hardships NOW so that it's easier when you get older and when life gets harder and more complicated.

 

[Ethan729]

That's great you see a family therapist. Therapy is one of those things that only works if you make the effort to put in to practice the things your therapist teaches you. If they have given you a few methods to use to calm yourself down, have you actually tried them? If so, did they work? And for how long were you trying those methods? Things like that get better and easier with more practice, so even if they didn't really help much in the beginning, you may find that they become more effective with practice. And then, as your therapist said, over time you will come across your own methods for calming yourself down that work better for you. But yeah, you have to put in the time and effort to practicing them. It sounds like you might be expecting your therapist to just magically give you answers that work straight away, but unfortunately sometimes it's just not that easy.

The things that work are singing in my head, counting, thinking about the stories I write, looking at bright/colourful lights, and imagining looking at bright/colourful lights. They all seem to work better than they used to, which is good.

Staying inside and hiding away from the world and from your problems IS easier in the short-term because like you said, you don't have to deal with anything. But you realise that the more you hide away and avoid your problems, the LESS able you are to cope with them, hence the worse things will get in the long run. Like I said above, you need to put in solid effort in to learning to cope with life's hardships NOW so that it's easier when you get older and when life gets harder and more complicated.

Sounds difficult and not-fun. But I couldn't cope with things last year or the year before, and apparently I can't now, so if I haven't yet learned to be okay, how/when am I meant to learn it? Two or so years is a long time. Although I suppose I didn't actually know that there was any problem until kinda recently. I'd thought I was crazy, and my mum had thought I was just badly behaved, and it all went catastrophic from there until like a year ago.
I think and feel like things seem to be getting better, but I don't think that's correct, because if everything was okay I wouldn't keep getting high every day or two or three. And I feel so messed up all the time, it's like time doesn't exist, and I keep forgetting things and not being able to think. So I wouldn't have a very good judgment of whether things were alright or not, considering all that.
Next year should be better anyway, 'cause I won't have to do as much academic/school stuff. I don't know what I will be doing, but I hear that it's meant to be fun.

 

[ChaosBuild3]

That would be cool if you could tell me your method. It might help me.
I'm able to exercise, but I tend not to. I go to the gym once or twice a week, but I only go so as I have an excuse to go out, so as I can stop by a pharmacy and buy stuff... Walking would be the most exercise I do, 'cause I just walk a lot for some reason. Well, I can anyway. But I don't that often. My hobbies are reading stuff and writing stuff, basically.

If you could tell me your system, that'd be good. 'Cause I don't have a system at the moment, and my method of just telling myself to stop hasn't even remotely worked so far.

Hey, sorry it took me so long to get a response to you. The reason i ask if you have any physical exercise preferences is because thats exactly the way I was, but its how I quit. It wasnt easy to get into at the first, but once you make a habit of it it becomes so much easier. The physical exercise aspect allows you to wear your body out, to the point where your body is exhausted. Restless Leg syndrom was a major issue with me,so I needed something to wear my legs out. I started running short distances every other day, which in turn led to everyday. IE .5-1m a run, then i would do sit ups and pushups. This has two benefits actually, it increases endorphins and wears your body out. After a while it increases your immune system as well, but thats beside my main points. The increase in endorphins helps combat the natural depression you go through when WD'ing, and the wearing out of your body helps combat the more physical systems like insomnia and restlessness. When I went through WD I lost a lot of weight until I started this, the increase in activity in turn increased my appetite. So I maintained a healthy weight, and the physical changes to my body wernt bad either . Just to point out again, the main issues that this method helps with are the mental and the physical. IE Endorphins rise due to exercise, which combats your depression (mental) The demand you put on your body through the exercise combats the physical. I didnt have the money for a gym membership at the time so this was my only way to exercise, if you do have a gym membership or have the money to spare, weight lifting will also help you increase what you can do. This really worked for me, and I think it can work for a lot of people who cant go to clinics or dont want to. Anyway its something to think about. Hope I helped ya in some way!